<!-- --><style type="text/css">@import url(https://www.blogger.com/static/v1/v-css/navbar/3334278262-classic.css); div.b-mobile {display:none;} </style> </head> <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d13240712\x26blogName\x3dMenTal+fUrbAll\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dSILVER\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d7038441246555938682', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script> Today's Honoured Guest

my peeps The Boys

RaJ
Tayster
factory_peasant
Surfer Mitch

Scared Bunny
Jake
Hof

my peeps The Girls

Sass
Steff
Crystal

Lyvvie
Cate
OEN
--spared--

Rachel
bitchy

Pajiba
Dlisted
Janet Charlton
MPH
Go Fug Yourself

the pretty pictures

Tristan Roy
Owen Billcliffe
No Traces
Sam Javanrouh

the professionals blog

Radiohead
Matthew Good
Margaret Cho
Rick Mercer
Tony Pierce
Whil Wheaton
Waiter

shameless self promotion

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Name:
Location: Ontario, Canada

blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.


Stuff and Nonsense

MY POETRY
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My influence
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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05


From the ghost land of the easy life.

31 October 2005

enchanted...you thought you saw something in my eyes :
Been practicing wearing my contact lenses. Todays pratice was wearing them all day while helping Y move all the furniture in her house and flip her mattress so that it's getting evenly used. She's a smoker so the place is full of cigarrette dust, dust dust and dog and cat dust. I'm like trying to make my eyes get used to wearing the lenses under all conditions. I figure if I can get used to it I can then start buying them instead of glasses. People are telling me to get laser eye surgery but it makes me squirm with fear and pain at the thought of having that done to my eyes and I have astigmatisms too so I've heard that doesn't help them.

If I'm going to laser anything I think it's be laser hair removal. I'm not lazy but I'd love to never have another shaving nick. I'm also considering getting the sun tattoo on my chest removed. It's dark and I'm fair so it shows through any light coloured top I wear and it's also high up on my chest, so as not to be affected by gravity. Therefore it can be seen whenever I wear anything even remotely like a slight v neck and it's just bugging me now. It's not that I regret it, it's just ruining my fashionability. I've gotten vain about my cleavage, which we don't even see before the tat. Anyways we'll see. I'd still have 4 others and I'm going to get more because I can.

So I'm off to bathe, pack up and sleep. Happy blog reading. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:20 PM

30 October 2005

Sunday's at Menatl Furball's Playlist Central Repository :
So I have new quotes in Sounbite Heaven, a few new names on the blogroll and a whack of new blinkies/buttons over there so do take a look. They link back to where I got them from.

TOP TEN at this minute:

10) stars - switchfoot
9) home - econoline crush
8) girl from mars - ash
7) i wanna be sedated- the ramones
6) here i am - lyle lovett and his large band
5) because of you - kelly clarkson
4) teary eyed - missy elliott
3) ohio - bowling for soup
2) aurora - the foo fighters
1) the great indoors - john mayer

The Great Indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

Lamplight makes the shadows play
And posters take the walls away
The T.V. is your window pane
The view won't let you down
So put your faith in a late night show
I bet you didn't even know
Depends on how far out you go
The channel numbers change

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors

Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Leave the great indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days


Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:47 PM

come, come, come into my world :
This is so Sunday fell off the planet day. What does a girl like me do when she disappears out of space and time? Well last night I started by going through all my wedding pictures and throwing most of them into the BURN IT box. Since it's Halloween there's a bunch of lame, over editied horror movies on. Last night Halloween Ressurection sent me to bed. I DID FORGET about the fall back thing. Had to do that this morning tho. It's weird gaining an hour. However I'm always better on standard time. I was born in it and I think my body remembers this.

Todays horror movies include the third airing of The Witches of Eastwick (in 12 hours on the same channel), Grease, Saturday Night Fever, The Crocodile Hunter and Casper. I'm avoiding doing things because I just want to relax. I need to laundry and just wish I had a maid or a boyfriend who really wanted to impress me and knew how to do laundry. Alas I am alone watching movies that I plan to give away or sell in the near future. I'm sure that my next living space will be far less luxurious than this current box; and, also, that I will be forced to share space with others which will limit my nesting and homemaking urges and necessitate my keeping the least amount of things with me. I used to be able to move my life in a compact car so I'm trying to get back to that level of simplicity, which is really called for currently; but annoyingly hard to do for pack rat moi.

I'm not sweating the move right now. I still have a month, even though time is flying by so fast I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't be more concerned with the total lack of hours in my day spent doing anything that's not work related. Today is not a worry day however. I'll contemplate that on the 3 hours I spend commuting from work Tuesday, after working 8.5 hours.

Yesterday I was having one of those weird days when I couldn't read for some reason. I'm near sighted, but every now and then my sinus allergies make reading anything impossible. I can't focus on words without squinting, with or without medication. I just packed in any and all ambitions for my blog and prayed today would be different. So far so good. I the hours leading up until now searching other people's blogrolls and link, for blogs I liked the design/layout/colour schemes of. It's because I signed up to have Maddie redo my blog. Gotta give her something more to go on then what's here.

What I noticed is there are a lot of blogs out there linking to other blogs I read and that have blog rolled me but I have yet to see these people comment here. Now my weekly sat update tells me most people are here for 32 seconds on average. About as long as it takes for the header to load and to scroll down the page. It's wild that so many people come by but don't really read. I have three seperate categories of blog links in my favourites, and I just added twice as many people to them today from the blogroll search. People I want to read more frome, see more of their site or just keep track of. No there are quite a few links I currently have that I will delete because the person is gone, stopped updating, or isn't really interesting anymore. I know that's life and all, that things change and interests evolve and you do loose touch with friends/acquaintances. I just need to pimp my blog more cuz I want to have me name on more blogrolls.

SHAMELESS PLUG :-
BLOGROLL MEEEEEE PLEASE
LINK TO ME
SHOW ME THE LOVE

If you already have: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

I am still toying with the idea of moving this all over to somewhere where I have total control and all this fun stuff. I do have webspace provided by my ISP but they are so no fun. I like blogger enough, I can't figure out that wordpress site I signed up for and I am a deadbeat who won't have credit again before I'm 50-ish, if I follow the advice of my trustee appointed financial advisor. If I don't I may never have credit asgain. Ah student loans and governement collection agencies - BITE ME.

If I had that digital camera, or someone would lend me one, I would be posting pics of me, the orange couch (which may not be coming with me) and general things I want to or have said I would. Like the insane sheets. Or my new BOGO shoes from Payless. They have real leather. The one pair are Airwalks with baby blue canvas and little black skulls with dark blue suede trim. I love skate shoes, nostly because I have flat, stubby and wide feet. Converse had a pair of dark blue suedes out a while back that I got for like 40 bucks on sale and wore till they fell off. Someone told me they don't make them anymore, but more importantly I haven't found any converse in this part of the universe; so when I found these I was so happy. Not white, cute, skulls, some leather/suede, fit well and are within the confines of my mini budget.

I feel like an uber freak when I'm wearing dark jeans with bright white sneakers with hot pink trim. I don't like pink. These are the shoes in question BTW and these are the bogo pair I got. Can't find a pic of the Airwalks and I spent hours last night looking for them with my best friend from college. Just trying to share the shopping experience, it's been months since I got anything new to wear. My closet is going to be a huge casusalty of the move. I'm going to have to make huge sacrifices in the amount of clothes I'm keeping with me out of hope I'll wear it some day. I know I'm going to lose more weight in the next few months, right now I'm in a holding pattern and I can live with that. Yet I really don't need to keep all this stuff I didn't wear when I could and can't wear now, just cuz I might wear it later. It's just a waste of space and someone else could be using the hell out of it.

I will be back later with the Mental playlist.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:50 PM

28 October 2005

stripping back the coats of lies of deception :
My madoration (man adoration for those of y'all who don't keep up), came to a screeching halt and today as I faced the glaring reality that I probably won't see Cutie again unless luck really shines on me. Now that we can sit where ever we like I ended up with another person I know from the old job, which so happened to be across the floor from EVERYONE else I was in training with. No Cutie sightings. SIGH.

I did however, manage to impress most of the guys I met by making eye contact. In geek land direct eye contact with a smiling face elicits smiles and general helpfulness - if they make direct eye contact in return. It's not hard to have charm with a smile and all, it's like shooting fish in a barrel here. I can't tell you how many sat up and took noticed's I got today. I started to notice because, well at the old job there was women galore and not much noticing going on. Here everyone get's the once, twice even thrice over. It's not a hostile workplace exactly, but it can make you feel kinda dirty.

I was thinking today, nothing deep like last night. Anyways I was wondering how it always turns out that I collect people that reflect how my life is right then. I was talking to this old friend last night. She was stoned as stoned can be, she generally always is outside of office hours. Her life not mine. She was asking me some pointed questions that made me wonder (I'm paranoid already about him since getting this job and all) if she was on a fishing trip for information to give my EX. I have no reason to think she'd run off and talk to him, but I have no reason to think she's being honest with me either. Time will tell on that one. It's not that I think she's a bad friend, it's just I know that people with habit's will do anthing to support them and if selling me out for a toke was an option - I can't say she wouldn't do it. I've had it happen, once bitten twice shy and so on.

I was thinking about this whole getting back to Ottawa thing, which is going well so far, amazingly hiccuplessly well BTW - if it isn't just something I have no reason to do. I can't help but wonder what my burning obsession to get back there has been. I'm not obsessive about the EX or his life now. I couldn't care less about the people I used to know or the job I used to do. I think I'm in love with Ottawa. God help me.

Stupid blogger just ate my post. I had a copule neato paragraphs here and now I have to try to recall what I wrote. I'm really pissed. Blogger is jealous of my love for Ottawa, or it doesn't want to have me reveal that I spent the day sitting beside frenemie girl. She was on all day about ther new boy frined, her old boy friend and who was cute or hot. She hasn't seen Cutie but she'd probably think he was ugly. Just like I think her picks are unfortunate and so not my type. I'm not sure if she's trying to be my wing woman or what, but she's not getting that a wing woman goes and gets the guys you want for you not the guys she wants but can't have for you. I think that's the way it goes, at least whan I'm doing it that's how it is.

I missed Cutie. I've gotten used to my daily fix of casual beauty. Yea I'm like that, all about the me :) I'm surprised how fast the days are all melting into one blur and soon I'll be sitting in a cubicle somewhere and realize it's 2006 and think - how'd this happen to me? It'll probably be about a week before my birhtday too, which will depress me because (unless my luck holdsand quadruples) I'll be buying a cake for myself and eating it alone. SO I'm going to say piece of cake now, because no matter how you slice it an entire birthday cake alone on your 35th is bad, wrong, sad and unfortunate. And I AM NONE of those things currently, and I don't wish to backslide.

This weekend will include updates to Soundbite Heaven and house cleaning junk chucking galore. If you know someone who wants a collection of red glass stemware or a Gamecube that has no power, tv connector, game pads or games - but does work has been plugged in and verified - let me know. I am a deadbeat so I can't get the means to sell any of this on Ebay. Saving you the typing that comment. I wish I had a dog today. I must have talked to a half dozen people in the last 24 hours who had a fun dog story and or anecdote to share with me or for me to overhear (aah phone work). I'm just lonely on a Friday with nothing but RERUNS to keep my company. Damn November sweeps.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:08 PM

27 October 2005

you cannot quit me so quickly there's no hope in you for me no corner you could squeeze me :
I was at Wil Wheaton's (in exile) blog a couple of days ago and I followed a link from it to an exerpt of an interview Kurt Vonnegut gave about writing. It was slightly disheartening as he was talking about how writing is becoming obsolete since other forms of expression are replacing it. I think that's true in many ways. I also am sad that it is true. AND just now my VERY expensive education came calling to make me wonder if blogging wasn't just an elitist pursuit. Since only the educated and able to afford access can participate. Yea so now my head hurts and I can't remember which way tomorrow is. Big thoughts shouldn't happen on a work day or during NON work hours - I'd like to flesh out the idea further but my brains' trying to catch a ride outta here.

To appease my brain, I'll let it think about Cutie (said in a nice predatory Spike fashion). He of the ice blues and Scott Speedman-esqueness has earned a capitalized moniker. He maybe a passing fancy but today was too much. First he couldn't sit by me because I was trying to save the seat for my gal pal. Then later on he's trying to get help and he put on quite a show getting attention. I was trying to get him help too, but he was so adorable (think fluffy puppies cute) waving his arms and smiling and all - I couldn't stop laughing. Yea I've got a hopeless case of man adoration. I'm keeping it to myself and all hands off - I don't wanna get sued for sexual harassment - we had a class and all.

I didn't get my new schedule and NO ONE is helping me figure out this new time system that keeps telling me my schedule has changed but nothing is different as far as I can see. I really wish I had help that was, I dunno - HELPFUL springs to mind. I asked a floor monitor today for a bit of help and all I got was a line by line looped exlaination of what I already knew. Either I'm A LOT hotter than I think I am or I am WAY MORE terrifying than I know I am. Either way, any guy I ask a question of looks at me like I've somehow shocked or threatened him. I'm getting the feeling they don't want to talk to me, which is probably sheer paranoia - but when they start repeating themselves hopelessly as if their record is stuck in a groove, I start to wonder WTF? I may need to be extremely made over or possibly exorcised. There are people out there that would argue for either one.

I do have to go get ready to hit the hay and all the fun starts again at 5 AM tomorrow. I'm really in love with my 3 day weekend, now if they'd just let me know how long and hard I'll have to work til my next weekend I'd be happy. Well I'm always happy really, but I'd be happier to get the Dell testing out of the way and on the calendar.

Do Keep Blogging!!!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:18 PM

26 October 2005

gonna make it allright but not right now :
Thanks to Waiter for posting this on his blog - way too funny. Go there and enjoy all the overwrought broken handedness.

Made it through another day. Had my interview with Dell. They want to see me. Of course they do - says my ego. Mostly I think it was probably a little insane to take the interview sitting in the front lobby of my current job. But hey, I am shameless and for 4-6 bucks more an hour I'll do what it takes to get into Dell. So waht if I had no idea how to get to the boot screen for XP (it's F8 says the interview guy) because I'm ancient and haven't upgraded and in my tech jobs so far have never needed to or been allowed to boot anyone from the boot menu (I truly believe in the bootdisk anyways - if you've ever had a dell you'll know the truth of this).

I got the second interview, now to make arrangements to get ther without taking a sick day (unpaid) or having to stay in Ottawa, take the bus and/or cab and generally having a nervous breakdown over mass transit (because I so do that - until I know where I AM going). It sounds like a great job. And I was weven remembering why I like tech support today, once I hit my stride like at 2pm or so - that's only like an hour and 15 minutes til go home time :) Ice blue eye guy sat right next to me and I was so smooth, I bet he has no idea I think he's hot. I couldn't have been more disinterested today, stress will do that to you.

Anyways I'm thinking things will be better when I get the flow of it again. I just realized today that I haven't been doing phone tech for as long as I was doing it for to begin with. Wow. Hard to believe that my life is flying by in shifty little job change increments. Don't even get me started on how many careers I've had or just how much I don't want call centres to be the best of the careers I ever have. Ooh I don't like this whole new world of NO job security thing.

Anyways we all need a laugh so go here (thanks Lins!!!!!!) and Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:13 PM

25 October 2005

tell me we both matter don't we :
I am officially an employee. I passed everything and am phone worthy. I did my role play in about 5 minutes and only forgot one thing. I'm glad, cuz I worried over it all day. I am so like that. I'm just settling in to watch Mark Harmon on NCIS bfore rolling off into sleepy land. My mind is already preparing me for the grueling tasks of carpooling with the stank carpool guy and getting up an hour earlier so he can be there on time. See he pissed off someone and got one of the earliest shifts we qualify for. He's been making enemies and telling me endlessly how unpleasant I am. Well people aren't unhappy to see me coming is all I have to say.

I'm actually quite tired. It's the endless rainy weather and my continually cycling allergies. It's enough to make me happy I have a three day weekend coming up. I'm not so happy at the prospect of having to pay high rent to live alone. I'm really, honestly, going to get on making plans to live at the YMCA - I'm starting to fear it's all I'll be able to ever afford. I have a lot of money fears. I think it's becoming my number one phobia, if it exists. If not invent it. Brokaphobia - the fear of living hand to mouth forever.

The jackpot for the lotto is 40 million and I don't have a ticket. I got one for the 30 and 35 million jackpots, I guess I'll have to put in tomorrow and try to get one. Shouldn't be hard to do. Wish me mega bucks :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:47 PM

24 October 2005

becasue of you i am afraid :
Carpool guy wants to kill us all!!!!!!!!!!

Ok maybe he just wants to kill me. He was beyond pissed that I passed our final training exam with a higher mark than he. He's still oscillating wildly over wether or not to share an apartment with me. I'm thinking it'd be so nice to have cheap rent, but his less than stellar disposition makes me want to beg him to crash us into the nearest transport on the highway. Oh, and then there's how he's always telling me I suck, I have a shitty attitude and just generally have little or no reason to live because I'm so unhappy. Hell I thought it was him, and I tell him so.

Yea welcome to manic depressive central, where you can live the life of the unhappy and mean vicariously through their attacks upon my happiness and menatl health. At least the hottie with ice blue eyes - that's the Scott Speedman look alike people - talked to me today. A real conversation. Turns out he has no idea what my name is but he's faultlessly polite. Beaucoup points for that.

Back to the test - I finished an hour ahead of the end. I am now and have always been a fast test taker. I do sometimes make dumb mistakes because I don't read the questions all the way through, but I do that no matter how long I take. I think it's some sort of test anxiety really. If I don't do the test fast I start to lose hope of ever fininshing it, and then there's how it's like time speeds up when I'm doing the test too. I always think I'm taking WAAAAAAAY longer than I really am. MAybe I have a rare form of test taking dysmorphic disorder? Well it's a thought.

Wentworth is back on tv tonight. Be happy you'll get to see him walk and talk. Dr. McDreamy will continue to make himself at home here until it's time for someone else to drop by. I did see a rather spectacular picture of Keanu Reeves's ass last night, but I didn't want to alienate anyone or offend to much. I should say it's allegedly his ass, since you don't see his face it could really be anyone. I still vote for Keanu when I can. Wentworth is the new hotness but Keanu is the bomb.

I swear I'm just this side of totally drooling on myself in sheer stunnedness at how lame I am. I do want to say to the world, if you see Keanu tell him to wash his hair. When you go through the trouble to put on a tux to honour Al Pacino - dude, wash yer hair. It's just sad you don't know this yet. Please stop looking to give someone an excuse for attacking you with pressed powder and cornstarch, or maybe some joy - it gets the grease out.

Ok I'm done. Love yourself. Keep blogging.

PS
Apparently I'm worth a few bucks, not as much as some but as much as I would need to disappear :)


My blog is worth $12,984.42.
How much is your blog worth?

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:00 PM

23 October 2005

we now join the Furball playlist already in progress :
So it's quiet today. I have a sinus headache. Yuck. I did get a newish stereo today. I also managed to lose 20 bucks around here somewhere. Damn continuity people in my life suck. Hopefully they will return the money like last time they stole a 5 from me, but it's just a hope that hasn't materialized yet.

The weather has been keeping itself all rainy cold and blah. In my meatheadedness today I managed to almost execute my fern. I'm hoping it will survive but it's hard to say. I unintentionally tipped the pot over and then righted ith sucking the fern into the dirt and burrying it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At the very end here you can see how I'm 2 girls in one :)

The top 10

10) the great indoors - john mayer
9) adagio - lara fabian
8) makes me wanna die - tricky
7) bodies and minds - great lake swimmers
6) shimmer - fuel
5) this corrosion - sisters of mercy
4) distant sun - crowded house
3) since you been gone - kelly clarkson
2) precious - depeche mode
1) release - the tea party

RELEASE

I want the world to wake
I want to give you peace
I want to vindicate
You need to be released

Don't want to hurt you
I need to make you see
If I desert you
Its just to make you see

That I'm a man that's weak
And I'm a man that's lost
I give it all away
To complicate the cost

Don't want to hurt you
I need to make you see
If I desert you
Its just to make you see
I'm not going to hurt you now
I need to make you see
If I desert you now
Its just to make you see

I want you to be free
I want you to be free from me




ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:45 PM

22 October 2005

your shinin' autumn ocean crashin' :
So here is the new person hanging out at my place. I couldn't decide which one Iliked better so I decided I didn't need to choose I'd put both up. the black and white is from when I first knew him. The dog adds that romantic caring aspect to the picture. Probably from a teen magazine you say. I agree. The other is more recent so you probably can recognise him. It's Dr McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy - Patrick Dempsey. Wentworth really did have to get back to Prison Break and all, besides I took the time to find the pics of someone sitting on anything so I reward you with my efforts.

I did find one with him and Katherine Heigl on a couch, but she looked deformed and it was unflattering. If I'm going to have guests I want them to be seen in the best possible light. Of course if you want to send in pics of yourself sitting, not on the 'throne' ok? - go for it. You too can be a celebrity here at the ole Furball. I have a few more cuties on the roster to come by and spend time but I can always put them off if something choice comes along :)

As most of you know I tend to reply to my comments here in the blog. I don't like getting the emails letting me know what I wrote I the comments. I'm pretty sure I know that already :) To be cool I did reply to the last 2 posts. Anyone commenting on my other posts - sorry.

Opaco what I meant for indenting is that Smile has these spaces, now to seperate the parts. Previous to that I was trying to denote the seperate parts with a 5 space indentation of the lines of the next section. So the first lines would be left aligned, then the next set of lines 5 space in, then the next left aligned, then the next 5 spaces in and so on - but I couldn't get it to work.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:57 PM

21 October 2005

it's much too late for goodbye :
Everytime I think I'm not a glutton for punshment I find a way to punish myself. Pot luck was great. I'd love to say I'm obsessing about the whole having no where to live in t minus 5 weeks, but I'm not sweating it at all. I got to look deep into the eyes of the Scott Speedman look alike and exchange smiles. I have a contagious smile and these days I'm bullet proof. Turns out I out geek the geeks at work. Go figure a girl who can't indent in HTML/CSS IS the BIGGEST NERD. Wow.

I get to feeling sometimes that I may be fooling myself, but the sunshine was there today. I was golden and basking in this feeling I can't explain. I was so Zen I trancended the endless harping of carpool guy on the ride home. I successfully tuned him out and wasn't even remotely bothered by his incessant blather about the governement, his good for nothing, useless g-f, any other oppinion he was trying to foist upon me.

Yea today was good and I had the admiration of the geeks. Queen geek and I didn't even have to ace my test to do it. Of course I don't want to be perfect anymore, I tried and I failed and I like being imperfect. I like people can't not smile at me tho my teeth are crooked and yellowed - I have a great smile. I had this song on my mind all day so I came home and played it til I couldn't enjoy it anymore. Covered In Rain - John Mayer. I was over at Lab Boy's and he was asking why people put up lists of music. I do it because I do it. I love music, some songs make up my current soundtrack, inner and outer - to such an extent that understanding my world isn't complete unless you have the songs there too. The words, the music, tha cadence and, sometimes the pieces that loop - are the binding parts of the days as they go by.

I put up a crative commons licence. Not because I think anyone is/would/will rip me off. I am, however - big on protecting my poetry. It's the one consistent thing I've had in my life. I've always written and if I try really hard I can churn out an interesting enough short story in a few weeks. I can pump out endless lines of poetry at the drop of a hat, about anything. It has never failed me. Prose often leaves me high and dry every chance it gets. I swear Prose is the prodigal son no mother ever wants to have and when it does to come to visit I don't always have the ability to spend time with it. For shame I know.

Music inspires me and lifts my spirit. Writing is more about letting things go. It's exorcising the demons by committing them to print. It's funny when people who don't know I write, tell me I look good with a pen and paper in my hand. I think it's funny that people expected me to become a great writer when I was in high school and all I was writing was essays and reports for assignments. How does that show I have any talent other than following instructions and regurgitating facts? I never could figure it out.

Music and writing go hand in hand for me. I wrote better with music. I think in a way the two free different aspects of my psyche to expression. I've often wished I was ableto read/wrire/play music or find someone who would be willing to collaborate with me on a song. I've been told I have a good voice, I have no singing aspirations but it'd be fun to write a song. It's one of those things I'm gonna do before I die. There's a list in there somewhere and eventually you'll see it. I love to share and write lists.

Your Birthdate: January 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity.
There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself.
You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator.

You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas.
Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed.
There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others.
Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.


Since I can I'll remind you that I have a guest map now so leave a blip please.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:29 PM

20 October 2005

dust from a distant sun will shower over everyone :
I added that guest map thing down there at the bottom of the right hand side under everything else. Do be a pal and let me know where you're from ok? I've got an idea about a possible new pic for the header. I think I oughta give Wentworth a break, since he's been here he hasn't been on tv. I do miss Prison Break. Damn Monday night football.

OOH good news, apparently Prison Break will be on Monday. All New!!!!!!!

Tomorrow, at the new job we're having pot luck. My brilliant idea to add to the plethora of pop, chips, pita and dips is - macaroni and cheese. Yea. I said Macaroni and cheese, complete with the crunchy topping and serving tray. I'm hoping no one will boo me. I had nothing else to come up with from my grocers' freezer section.

So today I was thrilled and chilled by encounters with the common law wife of carpool guy. He's been telling me lately how useless, stupid and bad in bed his girlfriend is and today while we're filling out the benfits information, low and behold g-f becomes common law wife. To say she was unfriendly when we met for the first time today, in the car; because she had to go somewhere else during the day and needed the car- is an understatement. Under the I'm so not impressed section, which is rapidly filling in her file - she has a thing for Prince, so I got to here Pussy Patrol and others on the drive in. Yea so, I'm not THAT big a fan of Prince. And she put on a big display of hugging, kissing and fondling carpool guy too. It got to the point where I was wondering if there was going to be full on car sex or maybe just something else that qualifies as REALLY disgusting - she was SOOO trying to make it clear he's her man.

Well she can have him. Aside from his endless pontificating and the fact he looks like my grandpa (well somebody's grandpa) I have NO INTEREST in carpool guy. My only real interest in carpool guy is that he maintains an ability to drive from point a to point b without killing us (sorry everyone else).

In the mean time, the guy with ice blue eyes is a vegetarian. I wonder why he's so proud of that then goes out and smokes cigarettes? He and the other vegetarian in class were all on about how it's so much healthier and better for you. I mean if you're that much of a health nut shouldn't the cigarette thing be an obvious habit to NOT have? Since that announcement people have been worried of what to bring to the potluck, not wanting to aliennate anyone. Then we get the Ramadan announcement - which was "...some people are celebrating Ramadan with fasting so don't force eating during the potluck, on them." I swear I won't go vigilante and force feed anyone anything :)

I went for mac and cheese because it's easy, people can have it cold or warm it up, it will travel just fine and it's not Kraft Dinner (kd). Besides the list of things people are bringing reads like a frat party line up. Pita, nachos, salsa, hummus, tabouleh, pop, chips, donuts. See mac and cheese fits right in.

There is a starer in this class. A fairly decent seeming chap who does make the effort to come by and try to impress me with his geekdom here and there. He's so odd but he's so cute too. Not a total keener but not a total freak either. There are plenty of those in the class so it's not like I'm unable to pick out the funs from the duds :) I've got to go to bed, I've been so lax at getting there lately it's not funny. I'm not laughing anyways but some people probably are laughing at me. On a total tangent I'm sad the Tea Party broke up, I'd have like to see them play again. I'm also wondering what bright bulb decided it was a good ides to do a benefits presentation and to list Short Term Disability under the YOU DON"T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT section as STD????

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:47 PM

18 October 2005

and everything in your past - you wanna let it go :
I'm a meme nut so I'm stealing from G-lo and doing the meme. I'm a thief and I do meme's.

7 Things I CAN do:
1) walk and chew gum
2) sing and dance, mimic accents
3) cook well
4) write poetry
5) remember a face
6) be polite (despite my lack of tact and bluntness)
7) be relied upon and fall down gracefully

7 things I CAN'T do
1) knit or crochet
2) speak another language (yet)
3) remember the lyrics to songs I love
4) play any instrument so that people want to listen
5) not blush when I speak in front of relative strangers
6) take criticism gracefully
7) drive standard competently

7 things that ATTRACT me to the opposite SEX
1) their eyes
2) their sense of humour
3) their smile
4) their laugh
5) that they share things (thoughts, food, chores)
6) their work ethic
7) their soul

7 things I SAY most Often
1) Dude
2) What
3) Yea
4) So
5) Really
6) Huh
7) O-kay

7 celebrity CRUSHES
1) Wentworth Miller
2) Keanu Reeves
3) Jason Statham
4) John Mayer
5) Gary Dourdan
6) David Duchovny
7) John Cusack

7 things I PLAN TO DO before I die
1) learn another language and speak it often
2) write a song
3) write a screenplay that is produced
4) direct a music video
5) travel the world
6) give away lots of money
7) learn belly dancing, tai chi and do them regularily

7 people I want to do this
1) you
2) You
3) YOu
4) YOU
5) YOU2
6) yOU over there
7) yoU right here

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:42 PM

17 October 2005

i was a train wreck waiting to happen on the way to nowhere :

Turns out Lyvvie and myself both crushed on Robbie Benson. As it happens I believe I saw Chris Makepeace first but Robbie was everywhere back then so it was hard to miss him. I've always had a weakness for dark hair and light eyes. Looking back I so see where I got it from.

Right now I'm toying with the idea of possibly working for Dell. They want to interview me for a tech support job. I could be getting as much as 15 dollars an hour, if the rumours are true. I'm extrapolating from the sheer fact that they called and therefore must WANT me. I'm not so much caring what my current employer would think. Hell 2 people quit training today to take other jobs. Oh the woes of a careerless life.

Back to the trip down memeory lane. I have 2 pics of Robbie Benson. This one is him smiling. He had a great smile and a wonderful laugh. Also Robbie was a singer and played guitar. I first saw him in Die Laughing and then came Ice Castles. I know the latter was the earlier film but I grew up just south of Churchill, Manitoba so it was all new by the time I got to hear of it or see it. I used to have a collection of teen magazines, my sister and I shared them. I got the pics I wanted and she got the ones she wanted - we didn't like the same guys.

As far as I know Robbie is still working as a writer/ director/ singer/ actor. Robbie didn't start my full on love of music men. It helped that he had the music thing going for him. Oh I know I'm so cliché :) However, I was converted to full on groupie status - or as close as a small town Canada girl who NEVER got to see a show EVER could be - by this man: Simon Le Bon. The accent, the swagger, the leather clothes and jumping around.

The fact the John Taylor always looked like/reminded me of my girl friend B, who even streaked her hair in an effort to look more like him. It was weird. I still swear that back then had both of them been together in the same room I wouldn't have known which was which, at first - if at all. I was the ONLY Duranie in town. My mother called the songs chinese music and my father thought I was nuts. I wished I knew what the hell the thing on the necklace Simon was wearing (not here) in the videos was, and if I would ever get to see a live concert. Now I wonder if I'll get to see Duran Duran live. Maybe it will happen. They did get back together after all :)

Thanks everyone for the comments, glad you like the blog. Lyvvie you're welcome anytime, treats or no - there's a convenience store just down the street so there's no worries :) Lab bOy congrats on the marathon, man :) I'm all cheese tonight. Tomorrow, maybe more me from memory lane. Maybe something truly amazing. I like to keep ya guessing.

Keep blogging!!!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:31 PM

16 October 2005

but you already did on somebody else's lips :
So I know it's Mental playlist time. Got the goods coming right up. In the meantime I've been watching movies and shredding papers I don't need anymore. I have the movie Vamp - an 80's vampire movie starring Grace Jones and Chris Makepeace. I have to wonder whatever happened to him. I mean, I saw My Bodyguard and really fell for him. He was so much like me. FYI Adam Baldwin, the one in Firefly/Serenity, was THE bodyguard in that movie. Matt Dillon was also there. I like Chris best and I had no idea then that he was Canadian. It was the blue eyes.

Since I may never know what happened to Mr. Makepeace I'm going on with the playlist:

10) my outta style is coming back - matthew good band
9) love song for no one - john mayer
8) beats so lonely - charlie sexton
7) see the lights - simple minds
6) dreams in digital - orgy
5) the universal - blur
4) the messenger - the tea party
3) final home - esthero
2) china - tori amos
1) angels don't cry - the psychedelic furs

Angels Don't Cry

i try to remember a kiss
and i only get sorrow
and yesterday's faded away
now there's only tomorrow
and everything passes and changes
and comes to an end i know
but nothing is written but old news
again and again
i know that it's true
there's too many tears
but angels don't cry
now i see a face in your eyes
but you don't remember my name
we're always a step out of time
now ain't that a shame
and you've been alone for too long
and nobody cries
if you want to see all of my tears
take a look in your eyes
i know that it's true
believe it or not
but angels don't cry
i know that it's true
there's too many tears
but angels don't cry
i could walk away
or i could walk on by
or make it all come true
or say it's all a lie
there's no more tears
when you're out of time
and i might fade away tonight
if you close your eyes
i know that it's true
believe it or not
but angels don't cry
i know that it's true
there's too many tears
but angels don't cry
i could walk away
i could walk on by
or make it all come true
or say it's all a lie
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:05 PM

15 October 2005

watching the fading watch everything go by :
Things I noticed on the long drive to work every day (in no particular order):

* Car pool guy is annoying as hell, needs serious medication for depression, has a total soapbox preacher mentality and doesn't shut up all day long

* I'm sad that there's a chance I'll be going to work and the sun won't rise during the trip because winter is coming

* Watching the tail lights weaving and merging on the highway in the rain, made me think of beautiful bright tipped fish, seamless computer routines running and interchanging things fluidly and the harsh fact of human error, and The Matrix

* Listening to Beautiful Midnight on the highway in the rain, made me wonder if it was written on the road

* I wonder why tech guys still think that greasy unwashed hair and nails chewed to thier elbows is attractive

* I wonder if it's wrong to be unconcerned my house looks like a tornnado hit it

* I wonder if it's wrong to wish I, the person I'm known as, could just disappear off the face of the earth and I, the person I become, could live a nice life without any of the stuff that came before the disappearance

* I think that given the right shift constantly I could get to like being a morning person, which makes this night owl sad

* I signed up for this other blog thing that may become the all picture all poetry site, since it seems hard to change the template and such I can't see it being the primary place I keep my blog - eventually I'll get my own domain and then we'll have fun :)

* Is it wrong that I spent the after noon watching Kill Bill 1 & 2 instead of cleaning

* Is it right that I have to pay $35.00 for a frigging CPIC for work and it's gonna take them 5 days to do it, which means I can't get it til Friday night after work and I need it by that day?

* Does it make me a bad person that I'm not even bothering tot return my EX's emails wherein he harrangs me for the money I don't even owe him?

* Will you think nice thoughts about me winning the lottery tonight, please. If you do I may be able to come by and thank you in person :)

Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:00 PM

14 October 2005

transfixed by the inner sound of your promise to be found :
I'd love to be eloquent. I'd love to be all rhapsodical about the thoughts (and there are some rather great ones in there) going through my head. I don't have the ability right now, to reign in my thoughts and make it all coherent.

So to sum up.

There was/is this guy in my class. He has ice blue eyes. He looks a lot like Scott Speedman. He is a contradiction. Looks like a tough, talks like - like a girl. It's weird. He wasn't there today and I don't know if that's because he hates the job or something else. Yea he's my obsession. I can barely stop staring. It's the resemblance thing I'm sure. I'll get over it before any law enforcement gets involved :)

It's killer, my new job. Out of 23 in the class there are only 3 girls and that's toatlly representataive of the woman to man ratio there. I already have some eye candy. I'm not thinking I'll run out soon. Too bad I gave up office dating on account of the EX. I am, however, already plotting ways to move up the corporate ladder. I have ambitions. I find he city does that to me. I start dreaming in letterhead, pinstripes and business cards. I'm odd, but you knew that.

RaJ has a new site thingy. I like to look at it in the Head theme. I will be working on this place soon. I'm thinking how to make things work for me how I want it and all that. It's a giant jumble and I don't have the time/energy to do it now. Must find someplace to live and someone I can stand to live with when/if I need to. It will be such an interesting time ahead, Hopefully I get a schedule that coincides with my carpool or things will get really hairy. Ooh aah.

Keep blogging.

PS
messed with this a bit so it wasn't so glaringly ugly in IE. I don't use Internet Explorer. I think it's a POS, but I have no choice at work so to see my site how I can stand to I needed to tweak. It's now outta proportion in Firefox but lines up in IE instead of being all over the place. I'll probably mess around more. Not sure how to make the side bar scrollies look right without further messing with the Firefox layout, and I like the way it looks in Firefox - so convert you hold outs!! CONVERT!!!! OR Bear with me :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:40 PM

12 October 2005

whenever she's feeling insecure :
I'm back. You left comments!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!

It's been interesting to be me. I've got a job that sounds divine, it's a beautiful on paper job that I know in practice will get old quick. But I'm good at it and I quit the other job I had. I was worried about doing that too and nobody cared. The guy who walked me out of the building wasn't even going to take my badge or headset. It was surreal. I was feeling guilty up til then. Then I realized how much no one there cares.

The new place seems to have promise. There are non phone positions to aspire too. There are benefits to earn and, of course, benefits to be entitled to. I've been sleeping better since I quit (yesterday after only 2 hours sleep the previous night and a full day training and commuting) and telling Y I was sorry but I'm moving to Ottawa and she'll have to find another roomie. She was anticipating that, she'd already lined up another person. Good on her.

Mostly I worry I'll find a reason to hate this job. I worry I'll not have anywhere to live in 6 weeks and that, despite people being nice and saying they'll help - they won't be reliable. I get like that. I'm starting to think I may need to get some time up in Ottawa to go around places and see what can be had and all. Premature and all I know but it's got to be done sometime. I should wait til I have an idea what my pays will be like and my schedule and all that, but I have to say the feeling I've got it made - is making me want to dive in and ask questions later.

I'm tired and getting up at 5am means 9pm bedtimes. I still have to go get a police check and fun stuff like that. I need to make plans and clear out the stuff I know I so don't need to move back there with me. I didn't use it before I moved from there and I don't need it to move back there. There's a lot I don't need but I can't say I won't miss it. I am a pack rat.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:41 PM

10 October 2005

have to laugh with your own good cheer :
Even though I'm being read for approx 3 blinks of an eye, 11 seconds to be exact. And I've fallen off of more blogrolls than I thought. I'm still here. For Turkey Day I present the early years.


I said I'd put up pics because I can. And I am. This is the house I grew up in. We moved in just months after it was built and lived there until just after I turned 14. All my formative years were spent in this house on the corner of Gillam Drive, Gillam, Manitoba.


This is me. I was born blonde but it eventually darkened and now I'm a strawberry blonde.










I never really liked pink. I still have no love lost for pink. I wore a lot of it when I was little and belive I was traumatized by the preponderance of it in my life back then.




The earliest childhood memory I have is doing this with my dad. It's also one of the only pics in existance where you see him holding me as a wee child. Da was a hands off until it can think, speak and reason - kind of guy, so most pics have only his hands in them. That's the way he would hold us if he touched my sister or I at all, when we were little.




See, I've always had a big head.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:54 PM

09 October 2005

sunday top 10 - furball's playlist :
Yea so the money grubber is back. Too bad so sad I don't have the dough. I have the weekend off, I mentioned before. Me and the microwave turkey dinner will be making friends tomorrow night I'm sure. Ah the bliss.

10) sorry, so sorry - howie day
9) mayor of simpleton - xtc
8) whatever it takes - ron sexsmith
7) love somebody - rick springfield
6) apparitions - matthew good band
5) i'm afraid of britney spears - live on release
4) why georgia - john mayer
3) run baby, run - sheryl crow
2) ohio - bowling for soup
1) when the stars go blue - the corrs and bono
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:13 PM

07 October 2005

i come pulling all the stops putting rain on all of this :
It isn't lost on me that I take a lot for granted and I trust people I have no solid reason to. I have been writting here about the unfolding events in my life and it's redundant. It keeps me up at night, but it has all awakened my dreams. I'm having these refreshing dreams that tell me about new places and experiences and show me brightness and happiness. I am driven to follow.

Over the last 15 months I've been hiding. I moved here to escape my EX and my shame about what happened with the marriage and my life. I made a bad decision. I ran away from it. I have been doing that all my life. Eventually you make the same mistake you ran away from, all over again, because you don't learn anything from running. I am getting wiser. I know that I shouldn't have left the city. I had so much there and I walked away from it all over an idiot. I guess idiocy is contagious. I'm cured now.

People here are trying to get me to put on the brakes so I don't end up sitting in the city with no house, no job and no options. I can respect that. I can ignore their advice because I'm sure it won't happen that way. I have a job and a way to get to the job and in the city there are lots of opportunities to live. Yes I am a nice girl, a somewhat overly trusting girl. I am not stupid. I know what danger lies in the path I am treading and it doesn't just have my last name, it's also the danger of just giving up.

I hate quitting. I am a doer. I don't quit. I have had to admit defeat and bad judgement but I'm still here pluggung away trying to make my life mean something to me. I have no one but myself to impress anymore and I like it. I like that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I am a pack rat who is about to face the ultimate anti pack rat reforms of her life. I know I am a worrier who has held herself back from opportunities one too many times. I know that I can make excuses until I'm blue in the face and quietly not live my life here in the outskirts of my dreams. If there's a perfect analogy for wherre I am right now it's the way station. I'm in the subway station from the Matrix, and everyone is gone. There is no train and I'm singing to myself wondering when I'll get where I want to be.

Thing is - there is a train coming. I can hear it.

I am not moving just because the job pays more or a friend said I can sleep on her floor or because I got a ride. I've been trying to get a job in Ottawa since I left, to justify moving back. I didn't want to do it without the job. I like to have the means to the ends. Also, I've gotten good at not quitting one job til I have another to go to. Working for me so far. I don't know that I'll love this job, I never do. It's a call centre but, it has a lot to offer. I feel good about it so far and I want to keep feeling that way until I'm proven wrong by the new place, and not a minute before.

Sure I'm fretting that I'm making a mistake. I have a job and friends and a place to live. None of it is really making me happy. Yes I know I am the only one who can really make me happy and that's why I'm excited about moving back. I know Ottawa and Ottawa knows me and we're friends. I can't say the same for this place. It knows me and it doesn't want to be my friend is the best I can say. I'm all happy to be getting up to carpool at 5.45 am. I am insane!

Since I'll be spending our Thanksgiving weekend alone, possibly eating a microwave turkey dinners, I will keep you up to date on all my wacko exploits. I have a CDR/RW to install and see if it works so I'm gonna go now. My scanner works so I can post pics now too. Look for some post 80's me coming soon!

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:01 PM

i said sometimes i hear my voice and it's been here silent all these years :
My future holds a new job and a change of place. I've gotten the job now I have to work on the place. My to be rommie Y is being understanding, though she's encouraging me not to leave the hated job here until I'm sure the new one will work out. She makes sense but it really kills the excitement of being all brand new and shiny. I know what I want, I want to just move to the city. I have to pay rent here til the end of November so I can stay here and commute until I find a place out there or figure out where/with who and how I'm going to live there. What's throwing a wrench in is uncertainty. I rarely go without a concrete plan and I never go far without my stuff and I'm fairly certain right now I'm thinking this has been part of my problem. Me and all my stuff, all my baggage - all these years.

This year has been about simplicity. I've been trying to pair down and live a good life, a clean life and a non-Paris Hilton-esque simple life. I know that right now everything looks really complicated and screwy. I know I want to be back in the city. I don't want to be there at all costs. I don't want to do anything at all at all costs, anymore. I know I have a great opportunity here and I've waited long and hard for it. I am not going to give it up. I may have to give up a great many different things in order to have what I want. I'm ok with that. What irks me is the total lack of fait and the endless wuestions I'm getting from everyone else. I have a whole chorus of second guessers nay saying in my ears and not a one of them here is going I'm happy for you. It's funny how people are leashed by fear. I don't fear the change or problems of the changes. I fear the not taking the chance. I fear that my chances are running out and the dorrs I can go through to my future are behind this chance and I'll never get there if I miss this one. Fear as a motivator instead of a roadblock.

I do have support, I have many people excited to hear from me and willing to help me out in my relocation. As much as they can and as much as I will let them. Thanks, Lyvvie, Lindsay, Joelle and others. I hope to tell Y something definitive about being her roommate status, I know I'm holding her in check and making her life hard and I'm also going to cause problems for the guy driving me to Ottawa if I move there permanently. What I need to do is be more egocentric. I am worrying about them being disappointed in me but I should be worried about what's best for me. Ib the long run staying here i hickstown isn't. I've outgrown this place. It is time to move on. I'm going to tell Y that I'm going to be looking for a place in Ottawa and I'm going to tell driver guy too. Theat way everyone knows and no one is getting any suprises. No lies and no hiding. I am an approval junkie. Another secret revealed.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:24 PM

06 October 2005

cause i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life am i living it right :
Ain't one of you been doing your job and letting me know why guys dress in green and red together like it's Christmas all year round. Also not a one of y'all leaving a note of well wishes for the job. In case you even still care I GOT THE JOB. No big surprise because I always rock the interview. I didn't have a doubt but of course I'm having buyers remorse because as good as this all sounds it's 200 a month in gas, plus my rent here and all the other fun stuff. EEK. El expensivo. Also, if I wanna move there I'm looking at a whole lotta upfront costs to do it. I'm having twitches just thinking about it.

I'm always ready to a jump off that bridge when I get to it I guess, I tend to do that, crossing it isn't as much excitement. I'm already looking at apartments because I'm so ahead of the curve on these things but actually seeing them will be the fun part. Oh life is like a box of really old and dried up cheerios. Even a tonne of milk will not help them, but they are all your food - so you gotta find a way to eat em. I'm just waiting for the whole deal to get funner - like when I'm put on the 11pm-6am shift forever. He heehehehehhe.

Oh yea and today is one so long day I hardly slept last night and then I got up at 7 to be ready fro 7.45, got in the car and got there by 9.15. Did the testing and waited til like 11.30 then waited til 12.30 for my ride to finish up his interview and all. We drove around and all found me a burner for cheap then got lunch and got back here by 2.20. The nice guy who gave me a ride thinks I'm insane. I think it's better then him thinking I'm still into my EX. I was talking a bit about the stupidiity that is him on the way and got told I was talking like I was just mad at him not like he was an EX. So I gave some details and I didn't hear anything again about how I still liked him. I heard a lot about how he couldn't live like that. Anyways I'm a burned cat now to this guy. I'm such a catch :)

Hopefully it all works out in the end, I need a little goodness and fast luck right now. I'm hoping it all kinda falls into place like I just came around the corner and ran smack into the big picture. But it's like I think they said in The Matrix - "You can't always see around that corner. You can only see as far as the last decision you are willing to make."

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:26 PM

04 October 2005

now the race is on and here comes pride in the backstreatch :
Err so last night I applied for a job in Ottawa. This morning started with my phone interview. Thursday I have a job interview I may not even be able to get to for the job and if I get it I start on Tuesday. I have no where to stay and very little money and I still have a lease here. I'm so sucking right now. I'm also so excited and I'm wanting to go there and rock the interview and get the job so I'm out of nowheresville and back in the city. I should never have left. I should never have done many things. One thing I need to do is either get a ride or determine how to get there with as little cash flow as possible. To do this I'm gonna need to be going to the cash store to get a payday loan if I can't find anyone to help me out and be a friend for the price of gas. It ain't a cheap proposition.

I know I'm insane. I know it. I know I'm going to kill myself trying to do something that may not work out and then be short in the end. I can 'if only forever but the thing is if only there was a place here that would hire me and then I'd be not looking to get away. I'm really just wanting to get nack to the city, where everything seems better and well, it is more expensive but I will so have more to do and see and all that. I'm looking forward to it really, so I hope it all works out. I need it to work out on the plus side again!!! I also just found out that my EX has his girlfriend living with him. I'm so not surprised because he's always been a lousy liar.

ANYways keep your fingers crossed for me and I'll do the same for you ok?

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:32 AM

03 October 2005

you know i'm not dead i'm just the tears inside your head :
The beauty of this world is that there is always a way. I've been up for hours and done nothing much. I'll go to work soon and then come home, go to sleep get up tomorrow and do the same again. I know it's not a wasted life and it's not wasted time. I'm keeping my house clean, money in the bank and sanity close at hand. I've got things to keep me busy and plans to make and things to do. I've got friends, even if they do occassionally make plans and then ditch me. I've looked around and found a whole bunch of similarily reaching hands that want to help, heal and befriend. Now if only they can overcome my sudden and inexplicable inabilty to type coherently. Can't have everything I guess.

I'll be looking for another job for the rest of my life. No matter how many times my mind tricks me into thinking I hear the phone ring, it hasn't rung yet. Still hoping for myself that it will. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for mt best friend from college and her new search for a place to live with her family. Landlords are really some of the weirdest people and they don't really seem as interested in their tenants and holdings as they should be. Slaves to the almighty buck. What would life be like if that wasn't the case? If there was no such thing as class, hierarchy, status and symbols there of. What if life was really just there for the living and at the very end of there really was nothing more to it then what you experienced? Nothing hanging in or making uneven any balance. It's an interesting thinking point.

Anyways this is what a large cup of orange and spice black tea does to this girl. Makes me listen to XTC's Making Plans For Nigel and Dear God and wonder things like what if moral codes are relative and mutable depending on what you want at the time. Of course I could just be rationalising for the sake of not cleaning the bathroom. I do have a really important question though. Why is it that red headed men tend to wear a lot of green? I maybe-sorta-mighta dated this guy years ago who was a Nigel (really that's his name) and he had carrot red hair, he wore something green everyday. Infact some days he was dressed from head to toe in it, and he was red green colour blind. Now there's the redhead at work on my team who dresses in christmas colours. He's an auburn haired man always in shdes of green too, often with 2 shirts on, one green and one red. I'm specifically wondering if there's a dress code rule for men that says when wearing greens blend with red because, aside from it being a habit of many redheads I've known (men and women alike), it does seem that men do take more often to wearing red and green in tandim regardless of festivities.

Oh and I do have this thing for readheaded men, not just because I'm a strawberry blonde either. My first love was a strawberry blonde. My first crush a redhead and I'm still a little hooked on the colour I guess. I've dated all sorts and not a readhead in there since the first though. Blondes, brunettes, balds, greys. I'm an eye girl - I notice a lot. It's the eyes always, they're the things that capture my attention first. I know it's because I judge someone on whether or not they look me in the eye while I'm talking to them. I'm one of those steady gaze girls. I was told growing up it's polite to look people in the eye when they talk to you/you talk to them - so they know you're listening. It's my most continuous habit and it is THE number one reason people tell me I'm intense and scary. I find people with something to hide or worry about don't hold my gaze and feel I'm staring them down just by looking them in the eye. I guess I'm mean because even though I now know it makes people uneasy I still do it. At least I'm paying attention to them, truth is if I don't do it my mind wanders and my hearing turns off. So now you know a secret to me :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:19 PM

02 October 2005

the mental playlist brought to you by the letter q :
Brash and impetuous me I'm moving in to a new place come December. I'm becoming the smoking nazi and YMCA partner to Y. She wants to stop smoking and get in shape and it's cheaper rent, closer to a lot of things. A bigger, nicer place with a pool and a roommate with a vehicle. I'm hooked on the not smoking thing. She's hooked on quitting. We're gonna see what happens.

10) say you'll miss me - wilco
9) change - john waite
8) disarm - smashing pumpkins
7) landslide - stevie nicks
6) come undone - duran duran
5) i can dream - skunk anansie
4) be yourself - audioslave
3) oh be joyful - matthew good
2) make your own kind of music - mama cass elliot
1) this year - chantal kreviazuk


This Year


This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year
This year
This year
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:20 PM

01 October 2005

you're looking back now and it seems like a mistake :
Someone please tell my why Mercury Rising is on the History Channel???? What about that movie is historic? I don't like it, not even the lure of Bruce could get me to watch it more than once and I'm so not thinking it's beacuse of the over ripe bad guy Alec Baldwin played. Eww. At least the Last Boyscout is funny bad, this just isn't. And when did it become such a good thing to show these not so fab movies ALL THE TIME? Mecury Rising was on like every channel this week I swear and I wasn't even here to watch so it's shocking that I know this.

I got to see Surface. The alien/lizard/fish is way cute and I'm thinking we may be too ET cute here for real scare factor, even if it starts eating the people that feed it. I'm watching Aidan leave Carrie after she confesses to cheating. I feel bad for her, but she was the dumbass in the first place. Cheaters never get the well written guys. Also, what is so great about that lurid J-Lo movie The Cell? It's on Showcase like once a month at least and it's not worth watching that much. Someone over there in programming is either very twisted, loves J-Lo too much or both.

I just packed up about a kindergartener's weight worth of clothes that I'm trying to pawn off on the nearest friend in need. I wish I had someone here doing the same but I know if I get anything back it won't be half as much as I give which is fine but just once in a while I wish karma would do that ten fold thing on the plus side. I know it doesn't work if you're counting, and I'm not counting or trying, I'm just wondering how much good has to go out before some real good comes back? Anyone run the numbers on that yet?

I'm not sure I'm in love with the blue letters here. I have to think about that, it's a quirk of mine really. Deep seated indecisiveness. Never go movie renting or music shopping with me if you expect to do it fast ok?

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:29 PM

people talking and they're saying that you're leaving :
I've been reaching out for change with a big old warm hug for a while now. Change is treating me worse than a bastard step child thrice removed. I'm not happy. I've done everything but steal a car to get a new job and yet everyone around me seems to have the mojo going on with getting what the want and having things happen for them. I feel like the fucked up fairy who can't get things right, everything I wish for myself is magically given to others. Actually I'm happy for them but I really wish the fucked up mantle would be passed on to another and I could get some funky shit happening for me. I just want to get my happy on, in a new city with a better job.

I'd say I'd be happy with a good man with a car but I'd be lying. At this point my internal dissatisfaction with how I'm a spinning my wheels is past the get-your-groove-on-then-move-on phase. It's turned into a full blown body itch that keeps me awake at night wondering how in the hell am I gonna make it happen. I'm half past ready to take my fabulousness to town. My fabulousness has split off and is currently threatening to beat me down if I don't get off my ass and produce something worhtwhile of it's, well, fabulousness. God it's hard to be an over achiever trapped with the realization I'm living a slackers existance.

I have and will continue to live my life by the seat of my pants. I tend to just go for it and make rash decisions that piss people off and make no discernable sense. In the end it all falls into place. The fact that I'm still not seeing the big picture after over a year floundering here in soon to be divorced land is beyond pissing me off. Sure the sensible thing would be to plan a slow steady course of attack. Planning and me like naplam and nuclear holocaust tho. Never a good thing came of me and any of my plans. Me and my leaps of faith tho - well they never fail to give me what I need when I need it. Now thing is this leap of faith has me splattered across the windshield of a really dull life. Am I repeating myself OH HELL YA. Am I forgiving myself- I'm trying. Am I open an understanding of what the fuck the universe is trying to tell me? Maybe AMBER can't read the writing on the walls - so I'm asking for a little ray of light.

All I'm saying is I'm not figuring out the riddle of the Sphinx any faster than I'm figuring out the riddle of who the hell I'm going to grow up to be or what in the world I'm going to be for the time being. For now I'm going to work on my control issues. I'm going to stop being mean to me and start being a lot more into relaxing. I've been not doing that lately, I've been preoccupied with how to rule my world and all that banal workaholic bullshit that comes up everytime people start talking about Christmas and presents to me. I've had an epiphany while working, well while at the workplace anyways. I realized that I have some big spinning out of control issues and these issues are fueling my endless chip cravings and suddenly reappearing junk food weekends. Self abuse, oh lord I'm addicted to it and I need help. Quick someone send me a tread mill and burn down the Quickie!!!!!!!!!! The Quickie, devil dealer of junk food delights and the movies I eat them buy (I'm so afraid I have PSA - ask if you wanna know))

I'm off to cope with some black tea. Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:38 PM

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