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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

23 November 2007

is the world still spinning round :
If it's not one thing it's another. The assholes are still in the
building. Due to their preference for sitting on their asses instead
of packing, they are not ready fro the movers to come tomorrow. They
are instead, going to pay 500 for movers and move a whole bunch of
stuff themselves in the car they rented for the weekend. Since I have
to be at work I can not help but obsess about what stuff of mine may
be migrating with them, the conscienceless bastards they are.

I need to obsess since I walked in yesterday and found out that for
shits and giggles they wrote the landlord demanding to be let out of
the lease since the landlord still hasn't (as of 2 pm today) installed
a new furnace and we have had snow for 3 days now. The 4800 watt 220
volt space heaters we are using to warm the place aren't really all
that effective. I can't even tell you the fear the hydro bill
engenders and all I get from people is the bored look these days.
Well I'm sorry but I don't see any of you lot sitting in an near
abandoned townhouse and wondering if you'll be homeless in 2 months.
I am not complaining to win the shittiest life game - I always win. I
am complaining to vent. I need people to be on my side, not joining
the pitty party as I'm sure they see it - but to try to understand how
much this sucks.

I had plans, I was finally getting things together and now I'm sitting
around waiting for realators to get back to me, to get my credit
report, to know IF I WILL BE HOMELESS 1 Feb. No one really
understands that part. Everyone is busy wanting to stay away from
sad, mad angry old me. Everyone wants to think happy thoughts and
plan fro the holidays and all I can think is how I wanted to have that
credit card by now. I wanted to be excited about putting up MY tree
and decorating my new place and all I do have to look forward to is
endless visits from the assholes who feel it's their duty to check up
on me since they are the only REAL lease holders and I'm just the one
living there so what I want doesn't count. AS USUAL.

I'm really tired of the bad. Can it stop now? Can't I have something
nice for Christmas. Please??

Keep Blogging.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:52 PM

17 November 2007

feeling old by 21 never thought my time would come :
Sass is saying something about how hate can poison everything, over on
her blog. I'm a transitory person. I write my bullshit out here and
I don't think about it much more. I've always been the kind of writer
that writes to vent. I don't always write about what it is that's
niggling at me either and I can extrapolate from something someone
said to the point where I end up is not even close to where the thing
I mentioned started. Does that make me a liar? Do painters wonder if
their vision is a faithful reproduction of the exact moment in time?
Maybe, but it's all subjective.

I know that hate is a poison. While I can say I hate my roommates, I
sincerely do that for maybe 1 day a week and the rest of the time I
don't care about them at all. I've never hated anyone or anything in
any way that is all encompassing and eternal. I know people far too
well to be able to carry on with caring about them in that fashion. I
can just let it go and move on, which I think will come as a shock to
soon to be the former roommates. They think we'll stay in touch and I
think I don't care to know them anymore, so they're gone and it's
pretty much adios for my interest in them. Really they suck as
friends. I don't need enemies I have them already.

Today I can say I hate them because they are thoughtless idiots who
decided cleaning the house at 7 am was so important that it didn't
matter if I was sleeping. Apparently they couldn't find time in their
busy day of sitting on their asses yesterday to do all the house
cleaning, or perhaps they were hoping I was going to do it for them.
Free maid service ended October 31st for the chores I was still doing,
which weren't many. Because of the racket I wanted to get up and beat
them to death with the space heater. I haven't been sleeping well and
I'm grouchy as hell. Their inherent thoughtlessness has reached a
level even I can't take and I've still got a week before they leave.
Oh and I'm not actually going to be left alone. They've kindly told
their brother that he can move in with me, without even asking me or
anything. He's thinking about it. He doesn't actually want to pay
rent or utilities though, so I can say no to it. I'm not sure that
would make a difference at this point as they are doing what ever they
want and fuck me. Why he isn't staying with them at their actual
place I don't know, except they may not trust me. And they shouldn't.
I'd move out today if I could live in a storage unit with my stuff.

On the bright side there are suddenly several peripheral people trying
hard to help me get out of the house, so I'm not stuck there. I'd
love nothing more then to look at them Monday night and say "Gee I'm
moving December 1st, who are you going to have stay here?" because
this is a problem they created, I'm just trapped in it. I could break
away for 860 dollars a month, if one person is correct about the
apartment and it's availability. That's a bit more then I wanted to
spend; however I can't say it will be less or more then I will be
paying all alone in the townhouse this winter. I'm overly tired of
even thinking about the endless ways in which this can be a horrible
thing for me. And not just because there is still no actual furnace
in the house, over a week later and my roommates won't do ANYTHING
about it.

Really I'm expecting to go home this week and find out that they have
sublet the damn place and I have nowhere to live, because they are
still sneaking around taking calls that they don't want me to over
hear or know about. If I had a dollar for every time the phone rang
and they ran upstairs and closed the door to the room they were hiding
in I'd be able to buy my own house. I know they were a risk when I
went into this, because they are lazy slobs but this conniving sneaky
ass bullshit is too much. That and they hacked my gmail to read my
email. I have so much faith in all that they say and do, and if you
believe that then you are probably not going to understand many of the
words I used on this page.

Keep blogging.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:53 PM

12 November 2007

so don't you lose sight of me now :
When I look back at the various decisions that I have made that may
have brought me to this point I wonder if I had made one differently,
or 2 or 3, would I be here now? If there are alternate realities are
there other me's who did make different decisions in the same kind of
pickle - or are they all much happier and I'm just the schlub alt
who's stuck in a shitty time line? Whatever the case, the assholes
who caused the current mess are not leaving fast enough.

I did manage to get a call from housing for a below market rent place
last week. I was kinda shell shocked about it. I mean how perfect is
that? In my time of need I get a rescue call. Being hard on the
pragmatic side these days, I refused to get excited about it. I hoped
it would be awesome but I didn't want to believe it was the thing to
go to, just in case. So I take the 2 buses there and get lost because
the mapquest and google maps don't have the street broken up by a make
shift parking lot. I finally found the place and the guy showing it
to me isn't there. He doesn't answer his phone or show up on time
either. I'm already not happy when he gets there 15 minutes late and
then rushes me through the place.

First off, I don't care how hard up I am, I refuse to rent from a
company that thinks good business is showing an unclean apartment to
anyone. At the very least they could have cleaned the shit off the
bathroom wall before having someone in. Despite all his assurances
that the place would be cleaned, painted and the holes in the walls
fixed there was NOTHING selling me on that place at all. The
neighbourhood creeped me out and I have lived in some rough
neighbourhoods in my life. I lived for almost a year on Sherbrooke
Street in downtown Winnipeg. 2 blocks from my house someone was
beaten into a coma for their shoes. We were a block from the drug
dealers at the corner pool hall and the huffers and rummies littered
the streets. I didn't feel a t all threatened there. I had such a
bad feeling about this place I was kind sure the elevator would just
plummet to the basement and kill us as we went to the 7th floor.

As it was the guy pretty much forgot he even met me. Called the next
day to appologise for not meeting me. I told him we met the day
before and then he couldn't get off the phone fast enough. After that
I thought I should have lied because he was so nice before I told him
we'd met. Oh well.

In other news my roommates girlfriend, the one he doesn't have because
he's married, well she volunteered to my friends that she would cosign
a lease for me to move out of that house. She refuses to say any of
this to my face though, so I don't know if I believe that she meant it
at all or if she was just trying to make friends with people and using
me as a charitable in.

I can't say that I'm interested in her offer because,even though I am,
it hinges solely upon my emailing her which seems like a really good
way for her to forward everything back to him and make my life hell.
I can't understand why she would offer that to my friends then
literally stand in front of me and say nothing. Not one word about it
to me. It's so fishy eve I can smell it.

In the mean time I have to get my shit together and get my secured
credit card, because I need to get my credit back on track enough that
I can be an ok risk all by myself. Obviously I can't rely on other
people to go out on limb for me or do what they say, the time to have
that blind faith in others is gone and it was killed by the current
people who are #1 on my FOAD list.

Because of them I have an uncertain financial future, AGAIN. Because
of them I don't know where I'll be living this time next year AGAIN.
Because of them I currently can't help but wonder how much of anything
that anyone tells me is a complete LIE. Seriously. You can stand
there and give me a 20 dollar bill and I'd think it's probably
counterfeit - that's how utterly paranoid I am about people and their
word. And it's pissing me off. How do I manage to find all the
shitty back stabbers? Really, why is that my gift?

I'll be alone again, for Christmas. That means I'll be working. Not
that I was willing to spend the holidays with them, because I didn't
want to; but I didn't want to be going home to another festive season
where I'm the only one there either. I do have the dog this year, but
it's cruel to dress him as a reindeer then go to work just so I can
enjoy it when I get back. He'd probably eat the costume while I was
gone anyway. All the stress in the house is making the dog nuts
anyways. Poor abused baby he is, he doesn't take change well and is
de-furring his left leg out of stress. I have 3 kinds of bitter stuff
to deter it but he still does it. I don't know how he'll take being
the only thing in the house when they are gone. I mean it's gonna
make for all kinds of fun and quiet and relaxation for me, but for him
it's going to be interesting to see what happens. Hopefully this
doesn't make him uber possessive of me. He already has a bit of that
in him and I don't want to encourage that.

Hope you all are enjoying the new bitch blog. Keep blogging.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:04 PM

09 November 2007

we all got our faults we get locked in our vaults :
Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Well ok, just in my life
but I can pretend I have my own Circle k. With the sheer amounts of
crazy going on in my life I may as well have.

Our house officially has NO heat. The furnace was burning the wiring
running the fan, instead of actually having the smell checked out my
roommates insisted on running it endlessly, because they are cold
blooded and always COLD. So the furnace is firing up all the time
but the fan blowing the air stopped yesterday, because the wiring was
fried. To fix it the landlords are installing base board heaters.
I'm pretty sure my roommates will now find a way to set something on
fire. I live in fear people, terror at the astonishing idiocy of my
so called 'roommates'.

Not only have we wasted several litres(sorry cubic metres) of gas running a furnace that
was only heating the basement because the blower was burnt out, we are
now going to be hit with an outrageous hydro bill because they can't
not be warmed to the point of wearing shorts. I should note that in
all fairness I am the ONLY ONE worrying about these bills. They don't
care, they won't be there when some of them come in and it'll be my
job to get the money or get disconnected. Yeeha.

In the mean time, all I said about having the damn thing checked was
ignored. I also had the pleasure of hearing my roommate fall down the
stairs because her 2 pairs of socks and bounding down the stairs
didn't mix so well. She says she has a large bruise and she cracked
her ass too. I don't know how you would fall down the stairs hard
enough to split your ass skin, but she managed. It's a sign of the
specialness to come, of that I have no doubt.

Keep blogging.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:20 PM

06 November 2007

where the honesty of fear makes a battle like a song :
They are going as of the 24th.  People have generally been upset for me that this is happening.  No one has said to me that they are right for black mailing me into staying in the townhouse, which is nice.  It's nice to get backed up in my indignation.  I just wish they would leave already.  Instead they are everywhere.  Trying to eavesdrop on my phone calls, figure out what I'm doing, where I'm going and asking me to tell them what I intend to do in their wake.

See they are taking the phone, cable and internet with them.  Originally the cable and internet were staying but now it's fuck me (some more) time and it's all going.  Regardless that I paid to have the damn stuff hooked up here I am getting nothing out of it's move.  I suggested (in a moment of insanity) that the remaining bills be put in my name.  Thankfully they don't want to do that should I leave and have all that pesky hydro and gas turned off.  If they don't do that, I can not bother to pay if it comes to that or me eating.   Letting them come up with the funds to keep their names in the good is not something I currently have a problem with, though I may later.

They are in full creep mode currently.  I have paranoia about what they are doing when I'm not home.  Mostly I worry things will be missing when they leave, also they ignore the dog to the point he is peeing in the house because no one lets him out which makes me angry.  Other then that, things are totally the same.  They are slobs.  He doesn't want to pack so she had to arrange to leave the company a week earlier.  When they are both home they try to keep an eye on me to figure out what I'm doing.  I'm not telling them shit though, so I'm kinda stressing the secret agent angle.

Both of them pretty much lie around when they are home.  He's so depressed he is sick now and she's stressed out because (I Hope) she is worried that he doesn't really want this.  It doesn't seem he does since he isn't even making an effort to get into going to bed early and getting up early, which he will need to do for this new job.  With him already off there is approximately 1 week where the only person making money for them will be her.  Since they are both buying crap like it's going out of style, that will be an issue I'm sure.  Mostly because they are going into credit card debt as I type, to get all the things done that are suddenly so important.  Not my debt though, so I say keep digging that hole!

To help me out with "my"debt, they are constantly running the heat at the house so I will have a giant gas bill when they leave.  They insist it will come in before they leave, I think they lie.  Because they do.  I can hope they will have to pay for it before they leave.  Either way they will have to pay for it.

Keep blogging.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:08 PM

02 November 2007

bleeding through a tourniquet smile :
Friends of convenience, substitute buddies, replacement pals, stand ins and back up "friends".  All names for what you are if you are the person who is left when someone has exhausted every other avenue of palling around.  You're not even picked last, you just aren't even considered until there is no one else left.  The last resort when some one is bored or lonely is you.

If you're dating the person then there's a lot of it's not me it's you.  Cries for space and me time and permeate even the seemingly closest of alliances and you've run into the ice cold stone wall of the end.  The person has lost all interest in you, even as a back up.  You may have become a lower form of amusement, like an ego prop or object of derision but you aren't going to get back to any place but the bottom of the not thought of barrel in this situation.

So what do you do?  When you're dying for someone to talk you off the ledge and not only does no one answer but they don't return your calls either?  When you need a helping hand not a hollow platitude?  Well if you are lucky there are other people to turn to, ones who really listen and help and care.  If you're not then you are busted up with the realization the you are in a one sided 'friendship' with someone whose only interest in you is what they can get or how you make them feel better about themselves.  Maybe you are a charity project, maybe they decided that not being your 'pal' was too hard so they just didn't let you in on the fact that they couldn't care less.

If you're really unlucky, that person who doesn't care is someone you have to see on a regular basis.  Then you will have to find a way not to feel worse, or fall back into the pattern you have with them.  You'll have to find a way to make sure that they can't just be your friend when it's convenient for them, because that's not friend ship and anyone who tells you it is, is a LIAR.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:44 PM

MenTal fUrbAll