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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

I don't like the cowboy so I've picked my own pic:

angel Posted by Picasa

In my defence I will admit that since Barbarella corrupted me as a young girl, I've been fairly enamoured with angels like this. :P
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:08 PM

you made me the thief of your heart :
Stolen from Lyvvie
56 Questions


1. Nervous habits - blushing, laughing, stammering, twisting my hair, scratching my head.
2. Are you double jointed - Yes
3. Can you roll your tongue -Yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time - Yes
5. Can you blow spit bubbles – Yes
6. Can you cross your eyes - Yes
7. Tattoos - 5
8. Piercing – Ears
9. Do you make your bed daily - No


10. Which shoe goes on first - Right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? - OH YEAH!
12. On the average, how much money do you carry - whatever I can, at least 2 dollars
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7 - 8 earrings, 2 thumb rings
14. Favorite piece of clothing - jammies – in them I have nothing to do but relax


15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it - Twirl it
16. Have you ever eaten Spam - Yes, and corned beef out of a tin
17. Do you use extra salt on your food - only on french fries
18. How many cereals in your cabinet - 5 (Frosted Mini Wheats, Shreddies, Shredded Wheat, Oatmeal, Wheatabix)
19. What's your favorite beverage - Non Alcoholic – water, Alcoholic - margueritas
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant – Tim Horton’s
21. Do you cook - Yes, but I hate cooking for just me.


22. How often do you brush your teeth - 2 times a day
23. Hair drying method - air drying
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair - yea, and it has never fallen out either


25. Do you swear – yes, I know all the college adverbs and use them regularly. I do clean up nicely tho, when I have to
26. Do you ever spit - yes. In my defense I have sinus allergies and I’m all about Kleenex.


27. Animal – tree frog
28. Food - food
29. Month - August
30. Day - Halloween
31. Cartoon – Addams Family
32. Shoe brand - Springers
33. Subject in school - English.
34. Color - Red.
35. Sport - Swimming
36. TV shows - NCIS, CSI (Vegas and NY), Lost, and Alias
37. Thing to do in the spring - open the windows
38. Thing to do in the summer - walk in the rain
39. Thing to do in the autumn – look at the trees
40. Thing to do in the winter - look at the stars


41. In the CD player - Neil Finn
42. Person you talk most on the phone with - Family
43. Reading - boring course materials
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors - Of course
45. What color is your bedroom – gross institutional cheap paint yellow
46. Do you use an alarm clock - I own one and set it but always seem to wake up before it.
47. Window seat or aisle – whatever gives ME the armrest


48. What's your sleeping position - side or back, and then other side but not tummy, it hurts my boobs.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket – no I use a sheet and roll the blanket up like a body pillow beside me
50. Do you snore – when my allergies are bad
51. Do you sleepwalk - nope
52. Do you talk in your sleep - no
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals - no
54. How about with the light on - no
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on - no I like it quiet but I do put on the timer if I need something to block out the sound of noisy neighbours
56. Last interesting person you met – everyone, people fascinate me
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:39 PM

07 August 2005

top ten of the mental playlist this week :
So I went swimming again. I did not get to the Brezsny stuff, yet. Give it time I'll do it and let you know. Here's my mental paly list 80's style:

10) Beat So Lonely - Charlie Sexton
9) The Chauffer - Duran Duran
8) Small Town - John Mellencamp
7) Silent Night - Bon Jovi
6) Only The Lonely - The Motels
5) Call Me - Blondie
4) Ghost In You - The Psychedelic Furs
3) Southern Accents - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
2) Darkside Of The Sun - John Waite
1) Edge Of Seventeen - Stevei Nicks

In the web that is my own, I begin again
said to myself baby, nothing else matters

Yea - I love Stevie Nicks.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:46 PM

06 August 2005

sometimes to be near you is to be unable to feel you :

You all should know by now I read my horoscope at the Free Will Astrology website. Rob Brezsny says this:.

If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:
a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.
b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.
c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.

Write the following on a piece of red paper and keep it under your pillow. "I, [put your name here], do solemnly swear on this day [put date here] that I will devote myself for a period of seven days to learning my most important desire. No other thought will be more uppermost in my mind. No other concern will divert me from tracking down every clue that might assist me in my drive to ascertain the one experience in this world that deserves my brilliant passion above all others."

So after putting this into my head this morning this is what happened today:

I went swimming. I haven't swam in years. I'll be feeling it tomrrow, but right now I'm trying hard to entertain myself so I can stay awake late and therefore maintain my habit of being tired enough to go to bed early on Sunday night.

I got this offer today. One I'm not being quick to refuse. This girl, I barely know which is good because strangers are easier to live with then friends I find, wants me to be her roommate in like October. She has a huge apartment close to work and the palce has a pool and she has a truck so moving would be a breeze. My reservations are few but huge. Reservation 1 - If we become friends between now and then we may not be able to live together long. Also I like living alone, being responsible to no one and not having to share anything are SSSSSSSSOOOOO nice perks of my current lifestyle. For some reason I've always had a horrible time of living with my friends, it always destroys our friendship, but living with strangers has always provided me with more friends afterward.

Reservation 2 - She smokes. Besides my athsma and allergies, I have this total disgust for smokers that I can't explain. The rent would be cheaper, I'd be closer to work, access to transportation and pets (dog and cat) a large room and someone around to do things with/meet people through. But she smokes and so do almost all of her freinds. I'm not sure I want another run of lung infections like I had with my last smoker roommate. I'm all of the idea that if I don't mention it it will go away. But I'm also thinking about it because I'm cheap and I'm in need of a social circle, even if it would be someone else's and therefore borrowed. This is still months off though, so I have time to really get myself into a precarious position.

I'm not looking to sign up for second hand smoke cancer either and she has no intentions of quitting. I asked. She does, however, want me to be her gym buddy - good for me I was looking for a gym buddy, and is already busy giving me the hard sell. For instance, the idea was only brought up today but I have already been given the full tour, met her pets, heard all about her previous roommates, met her parents and siblings and received the engraved 'be my rommie' invitation. Err but I'm like sickened by your smoking habit. Even put bluntly it didn't make a dent in her bravado. I have become the Chosen One. She who will be Canada's Next Top Roommate!

Because of all this fun and excitement and eating of barbequed food at ribfest - I was unable to get to Brezsny's to do list seriously. I have my work set out for me. In the meantime I was wondering if it's bad karma that one of the rays of sunshine in my life is that my EX says I ruined him for other women, he can never trust or love again. I know it's bullshit because he's a liar but I don't feel one ounce or even whiff of guilt when he trots that statement out. Oh no. I feel heaps of satisfaction that he means it when he says it. That it doesn't even bother me that it's meant to hurt me and all, I want him to tell me that for the rest of my life. Is it wrong? I am worshipping the false as god? Will I be reincarnated as a slug for this? Should I just shut up : P

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:28 PM

05 August 2005

don’t cry for me argentina :

I am never surprised by the fleeting pity people extend to me. If I had a penny for every time someone told me they’d do something with me, because they think I have a sorry life or that it’s sad I do stuff alone; and then they didn’t show up – I’d be a billionaire. I have this thing. I don’t know what it is about me exactly but I’m starting to think I’m like the cursed magic eight ball.

People do weird things around me. Not only will they make pity plans with me, they will volunteer other people to hang out with me if they don’t feel like doing it themselves. The volun-told pity people always have that deer in headlights look, a pitying deer, but a deer that is oh-so-no-impressed. They usually give the lame plaintive response of well I’m not busy call me. I used to call. They never answered. I don’t bother anymore.

I think I may have the guilty touch. My mom, guilt tripper extraordinaire, may have cursed me with guiltifying everyone who listens to me talk about how I do nothing all the time. For fun last night I watched Armageddon. I laughed, cheered and teared up. I only watch it ever 3-5 years but it gets me every time. I love those wowsa save the world movies. I’m on schedule to do my time with Independence Day soon. I can watch that every 10 years or so. Oh yea, see I am pitiable; some would say.

I don’t want pity. I want friends. When did making friends turn into such a titanium hard proposition? Why is it all acquaintance city the older you get? I’m fairly sure I only reek of desperation maybe one day a week. That’s Friday, because spending the entire weekend alone, doing nothing, talking to myself is starting to seem like something I need to take up drinking to get through. I’m all for quality alone time but I’m getting sick of myself and my taste in movies. Plus I’d like an excuse to cook for anyone. I’d really love to barbeque something. I can take a year+ of no movies in the theatre but no bar-be-queing for like, 7 years, is making me beyond CRANKY.

I think I’m gonna have to try some of Wil Wheaton’s mojo visualization shit. Go read his blog, linked on the RIGHT, and you’ll know what I mean. I’ll be envisioning a kick ass job and good buds to hang out with, so I don’t know if it’ll be as easy to get as a boatload of acting work for a known actor is. But hey – I’m desperate (it IS Friday), so I’ll try anything.

Oh and guys, of the world, why do you stare? I have a long association with weird guys who stare. I say weird because IF I’m gonna stare at some one I’m not gonna do it until they notice, then do it some more. Day in and day out and NEVER EVER talk to the person. My first serial starer was in College. He would sit a few rows back on the other side of the class and stare all class, every class long. His friends knew it, his girlfriend knew it and I knew it. His woman tried desperately to block his view but he’d just move til he could see me again. She eventually left his ass, but he cheated on her the rumour went. He never talked to me, other than hello, what’s up; betcha can’t do a straight shot of tequila. He bought, I drank, he was impressed and then I naively told some other guy that if said other guy was looking for some drugs asking starer guy would be the one to talk to. Yea it was a bad idea but I was YOUNG.

Also in College I was the eye candy for a married man, who always gave me money for snacks if I was broke, this broody beautiful loser who loved to get drunk, pick up other men’s girlfriends and then get beaten to a pulp. He was gorgeous with these watery blue-green eyes and brown, thick, shoulder length hair. He would tell me his secrets, then pretend I didn’t exist. I really didn’t if anyone else was around. The married guy and I were friends for a while. We eventually lost touch. Sad goodbyes to those two, but not to serial starer.

Fast forward to now. I have a serial starer again. This one never has much to say either. Rarely even says hi. Gets weird if I talk to him for anything, fidgety like he’s being burned really. He stares. He is always staring at me if he is anywhere near me. I can look at him, look him right in the eye and he doesn’t always look away. It’s weird. He has a woman who is having twins I hear. Since he doesn’t actually speak to me I don’t know what the hell he’s staring for. And add to that the budding stares from this other guy, who I think may a) be taking lessons from the serial starer or b) actually interested in me because he’s finding reasons to talk to me lately.

I hope one of you fellas can enlighten me as to what the stare hard strategy is for. Does it have a purpose, is there a secret meaning. Should I be afraid, get a bodyguard, a face altering operation, and a large portable wall? What is the staring for?????

Oh please pity me for the starers, and any other pitiable things I may pull out. Don’t pity me for spending my Friday wishing I was at ribfest and watching Veronica Mars reruns, Galaxy Quest and The Thirteenth Warrior. I don’t have much of a life but I am alive and bitching kicking: P
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:31 PM

04 August 2005

a long time ago we used to be friends :
Amber Fleury was drop kicked off Canadian Idol. I won't watch anymore in protest. I'm gonna not make predictions about Rockstar INXS incase I'm having a butterflies choas theory effect. I'm wondering if I should start another blog for my poetry. C'mon tell me if you'd rather read that here or seperately. I'm always begging for the comments :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:20 PM

03 August 2005

fidiots, frenemies and the truly fugly :

There are people with black, black hearts. There are people with the worst intentions in mind at all times and there are the mean and wheedling. Welcome to my world lately.

I may be the black-hearted one here because I truly am disgusted by the sheer levels of stupidity and immaturity I see daily. I'm starting to feel like a schoolteacher who wants to beat her charges down, possibly for what others would say is no good reason. I guess this is the reason they wouldn't let me into teacher's college :P

For some reason I am enraged by the fidiocy of the youth I’m surrounded by. The cheap name-calling. The poor girl who’s basically been labeled the slut and has all the guys rapt derisive attention. She really doesn’t know that they are making fun of her and talking about how cheap and easy she is. None of them have had her but it only takes one mistake to get that rep in a small town. Her heinous crime? She decided she was in love with this guy, who has a girlfriend and is marrying that g-f. Not only did she openly moon over him, chase him, tell everyone who would listen he was her soul mate. Email him, go on dates with him and openly displayed desire for him –in front of his girlfriend. She then decided to go on a trip with him. Shortly after the trip the rumours started and she had a brand new fan club. She already had a fan club of looking for a bit on the side guys, but now every single guy in the building knows her name and calls her down while trying to gauge their chances. What a fidiot. All of them.

Of course this girl is dumb as a stump and thinks they like her for her personality. Her rack was taking her places but the affinity for some rather nasty exploits is what’s keeping the men talking. I can hear them. She seems oblivious. There are even a few guys she really thinks are looking out for her and are her pals. Frenemies one and all. She wouldn’t listen to us girls when we warned her and it doesn’t matter now if the guy she was in love with or his girlfriend started the rumour. She is a grade a dirty ditch pig lay and all the guys are positively frothing in excitement over having one to play with and seeing how far she will go. After all, apparently she got all nutso over this other guy who is totally taken and pretty much threw herself at him, so the story goes. They’re all sure they have a shot at getting some drive by action without trying, because, well, they are being nice to her too. She has only herself to blame, her own worst frenemy.

I have a frenemy of my own. A rather dense and dull loud mouth that thinks it’s ok to be rude - she’s from Quebec. Literally, she’ll tell you that. I wish some Quebequois would come by and beat her ass down Naomi Campbell style. She’s a fidiot. She annoys the hell out of me and I’m her frenemy most of the time because I can’t stand her. She’s always rude to me then wants me to help her. I’m beginning to think she’s brain damaged. Can she really think I’d want to help her after her uberbitch outbursts? Did she have a lobotomy for lunch? She dislikes anyone and everyone. I’m sure she tells people how she dislikes me. I’m only telling you. Not because you care but because you maybe able to sympathize. Everyone knows some one like this. She’s fugly on the inside. Never has anything good to say about anyone. Complains constantly and is forever calling people out for the very things she does constantly.

I am not describing myself, I know my own flaws and as much as I like to pick on others, catty is a word for a reason, I am more afraid of bad karma then I let on ok?

My frenemy makes it clear she goes out of her way to drive me home, but never says no. She just gets all uppity if I ask her what she’s doing at any given time. Apparently I only talk to her about this when I want a ride. I was 5 seconds from smacking her into the Stone Age this afternoon. Time literally stopped at the table and everyone looked at me and then glared at her. She, looking for all the world like she was daring me to say anything to her, smiled. I looked at everyone and then asked her ”what the hell does that have to do with anything? “ She looked like I had slapped her. The mom at the table looked satisfied that I hadn’t actually hit her and everyone changed the subject not awaiting her reply. My total thoughts on the conversation – since no one was talking to you keep your fugly ass comments to their fidiot frenemy self before I get all medieval on your ass.

Oh hell yes.

I so would do it too. Because I have enough self-esteem to defend my honour and I’d just like her to know that crusty doesn’t define cast-iron bitch me. It just occasionally surrounds me. I don’t need my job as much as I need a break from the crushing despair of the mental impairment all around me.

Unhappy Hour is now over. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:06 PM

02 August 2005

gonna go down in flames :
So last week I mised the Canadian Idol post. They shot down Ashley Lataio (I may have mis-spelled this) and everyone was shocked cuz she was 'a front runner' - according to the Mulroney. I didn't think her performance was that good so I can see why she got booted. Now, I'm still voting for myself - err Amber Fleury, but even I have to admit her performances are less than exciting. Sure she sounds good but she is not Ms. Charisma. Girl needs a hairstylist too.

the break down from 80's night:

Jesse James (Cher) - Amber Fleury
sounds like a radio broadcast, complete with the non existant visuals
judges were blase

Every Breath You Take (The Police) - Rex Goudy
he doesn't have the pipes to pull this off, sounds like he's in pain hitting the notes
judges were mean

Like A Prayer (Madonna) - Casey LeBlanc
good voice but she stumbled and seized in the beginning, loosened up in the end
judges were unmerciful - said she sang ok but doesn't sell it

Tainted Love (Soft Call) - Daryl Brunt
he's sixteen, sings well but is unsure and comes across as someone soon to be defeated by puberty
judges think he's odd but he's growing on them - Sass "You're the Jerry Lewis of the idols."

Heatbreaker (Pat Benetar) - Suzi Rawn
aside from looking spastic with her dancing, she sang well and sold it
judges love her
-lab boy - there is nothing wrong with a girl who can put a pop can in her mouth, just don't be suprised if her dental bills are high

Working For the Weekend (Lover Boy) - Aaron Walpole
he was ok, really hyper and goes kinda operatic in places
judges loved him, except Zack who decided a full body tat shirt was the way to go in lieu of commentary - attention seeker

In The Air Tonight (Phil Collins) - Josh Palmer
he got the words wrong, and stepped on the beat, strangled a cat for some notes - really over thought it
judges loved his guts, loved him, they're on 80's drugs

Holding Out For a Hero (Bonnie Tyler) - Melissa O'Neil
she was too fast in the beginning, but got it right quickly and sounded good enough
judges liked it, every last one of them - Zach too - see 80's drugs
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:07 PM

01 August 2005

you used to captivate me :
There are things I know. Like a cute smile will take me farther to knowing a guy than an intense attraction ever will. Why? Because a cute smile invites you to talk to it. An intense attraction leads you to do stupid things and be made fun of. I can't have any of that going on at work. But why is it easier to talk to someone when you don't care about them at all?

I tend to be all big brained about simple things when I like a guy, which pretty much means if he doesn't make a move I will just wait forever hoping he will. Inhibition shuts me down everytime. It's because I was a rash and impetuous youth who made bold moves and was mercilessly ridiculed, berated and called out for it; by the objects of said moves. Now that I'm (almost) a cougar in my workplace I get told all the time by guys there about their girlfriends and whatnot. I'm just talking to them and they blurt this shit out like I was mentally undressing them, sometimes like I was physically doing so. I'm beginning to wonder about my over all vibe here.

I guess I'm always suprised that guys think that my talking to them equals me being interested in them, totally. It's so rarely the case. I'll talk to anyone just to have someone to talk to. I have less to say to you if I like you, cuz I'm afraid of saying something stupid. Now the random and casually stupid & vulgar stuff that comes out of my mouth on a regualar basis, doesn't bother me. People even get used to it. So when the self censoring comes on I get a lot of the - are you ok you're really quite. Occasionally, in an attempt to avoid the aforementioned, I can go in the wrong direction and be too talkative about really boring things that get me the weird looks. Y'know - the what-drugs-is-she-on, or what-drugs-did-she-forget-to-take looks. Don't even get me started on how weird it is to watch women get all strange when they think I want their man (I don't do taken BTW, so they're all making it up).

Those of us on the prowl know it's good to want things but being careful about getting them makes the difference in your life. I'd rather be the shy-unassuming-type than the bitch-on-wheels-type. I know I have issues but all my baggage is the light carry on kind. I know my self image is tarnished by my own doubts and fears. I know if I could see myself as others do I wouldn't recognise me.

I wanna know why I can believe in anyone but believing in myself and my own abilitites freaks me out. I swear Fear Factor could have underachievers stroking out if they gave them Ikea things to assemble and left them to do it themselves. We crumble and go down in flames and tears everytime. Seriously, you know this is true.

I want to know why that is.

I want to know why Cookie Monster hates L'il Kim.

I wanna know why this guy, 9 years younger than me, has me wondering if I could be his Demi.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:29 PM

31 August 2005

i'm just another heart in need of rescue :
Got this from Opaco and his pals:

Final Score: 139.5


It cheered me up to do this, it took a while to realize all of the songs. Sometimes you're in dire search of the melody.

For Rockstar I want Marty to win. Suzie is ok but I don't love her. I thought Jordis would take it but Cate's right she's a bit too smiley (NOT for The Man Who Sold The World tho). Marty, well - he growed on me and I can't shake him. JD is too arrogant and ticking me off. Suzie often looks attacked but an indecisive need to rip off Terri Nun. She's no Terri. Maybe that's why I'm not her biggest fan?

I still hate my job, but I'm getting numb about it. I'm actually awake right now so I have to entertain myself as the telly isn't so much fun right now, unless I want to watch endless reruns of CSI. At this rate I'll never have to buy a DVD set because there's an episode on like very hour somewhere. I did catch the X-File again tonight. I'm so loving seeing it again on tv, with commercials. It's just like the first time, only not in black and white on a wee 10 inch tv. David Duchovny is so much cuter in colour and 13 inches of screen. I remember why I wanted to be Scully again :) She so has a better job than me.

So I'm all jealous of pt, she's getting a brand new car. She said we'll go places and do things. I said watch out I'll be planning weekend excursions to Toronto and such. Then we agreed that city drivers are insane and the weekend trip would be something like going close to the city and then using public transit to get around. Yea I'm all for defensive driving but I still prefer to not worry about the insane drivers out there when I can let other people worry about them for me - hence the public transportation leanings. Of course the transpo drivers can be the worst drivers of all. Ottawa alone boasts some of the most heinous granny killers and turn missers around. But hey, someone has to do it right?

BTW, any idea how bad that jealousy is for my karma?

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:13 PM

time where did you go why did you leave me here alone :
Don't know when I'll get to write tonight. I'm all uninspired and so I figured there's a suitable substitution to my lacklustre stuff. Give them links to fun things :)

Go here and read this, it's entertaining even for Star Wars:


all the pics and gossip I need daily:


random thoughts and links on a theme a day:


Enjoy - catch ya later.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:51 AM

30 August 2005

and i failed to give you everything you need :
I'm not dead just suffering from shift change jet lag. I live to come by and plop down words here :) In no particular order my random thoughts:

1) in my current dellusionary state I have this to ponder - could my bad relationship karma be leeching off and adversely affecting othere people?

2) is it really so bad to have a job I detest? and if I can live with that why can't I stop feeling guilty for not trying harder?

3) Marty, from Rockstar INXS, is really growing on me and I'm rooting for him, but Jordis should win. Sure Suzie is Canadian but she's been lacklustre til now and I'm not feeling it - sorry.

4) why does customer service invariably mean poorly trained people who rely on the hold button and transferring as a substitute for actually knowing the answer? (and I do so mean my job, too)

5) why is it when New Orlean's is sinking in the wake of Katrina, we are suffering in the heat an humidity that should rightfully be theirs?

6) is it a testament to the lost art of letter writing that I have all but forsaken capitals as well as punctuation?

7) it IS a testament to my geekhood that I'm am beyod THRILLED that the XFiles is on local tv again. I skipped Prison Break to watch the pilot and taped Deep Throat tonight.

8) is there a reason why asking why makes people think I'm a kid?

9) should I be scared that so many people's lives are falling apart around me? or should I be satisfied that mine is already rubble and I'm building again?

10) how much does jealousy throw off your karma? is it ok to feel a twinge or so but crippling to indulge in it or is it all a bad bad thing?

Keep on Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:08 PM

29 August 2005

oops i did another mental playlist :
Sorry I'm late folks, this working shift work and getting new days off messed me up a bit and I forgot for most of yesterday that it was Sunday.

In other bad news - I just found out pt's fiancé was cheating on her and bragging about it to everyone. Her family staged an intervention and whisked her away from him. I don't know if this means there's no wedding now, I can assume that but it's not always the case that cheating ends the relationship. She's doing the brave little soldier thing and I'm playing a troop today - so I don't know if I'll get to blog much today either.

In any event here's the list, a day late but still solid gold :)

10) it's a good life if you don't weaken - the tragically hip
9) change of heart - cyndi lauper
8) onion girl - holly cole
7) castles in the sky - ian van dahl
6) melt into the walls - pilate
5) maria - blondie
4) basement apartment - sarah harmer
3) one hit to the body - the rolling stones
2) st. theresa - joan osbourne
1) run baby run - sheryl crow


She was born in November 1963
The day Aldous Huxley died
And her mama believed
That every man could be free
So her mama got high, high, high
And her daddy marched on Birmingham
Singing mighty protest songs
And he pictured all the places
That he knew that she belonged
But he failed and taught her young
The only thing she's need to carry on
He taught her how to

Run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run

Past the arms of the familiar
And their talk of better days
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
so long
Baby loves to run

She counts out all her money
In the taxi on the way to meet her plane
Stares hopeful out the window
At the workers fighting
Through the pouring rain
She's searching through the stations
For an unfamiliar song
And she's pictures all the places
Where she knows she still belongs
And she smiles the secret smile
Because she knows exactly how
To carry on

So run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run

From the old familiar faces and
Their old familiar ways
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
So long
Baby loves to run

(Bill Bottrell/David Baerwald/Sheryl Crow)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:13 AM

27 August 2005

in the forest of whispering speakers let's swear that we will :
Went out last night and remembered just why getting falling down drunk and bar trawling where never favourite passtimes. I've pretty much always know I was never going to meet the man of my dreams at the bar. I've also never really enjoyed the smoky club scene. I did go out of my way to get the slutty makeup and trashy bar attire on so I could pass club girl snuff with y and her ex-roommate - but it was all downhill from there.

After drinking 3/4 of a bottle of tequila rose in under an hour while playing the pick-a-word-in-a-song drinking game, I was still upright, not stumbling, slurring or sick. My co-horts were light weights who got wasted on an eighth of the tequila rose and less than 2 ounces of vodka and pepsi. I suspect they didn't eat much if anything for dinner. I also think I would have had more fun staying home since being the fifth wheel in a twosome of buddies leaves you unintroduced, untalked to and trailing around after eveyone else. BORING.

By 11.30 I was pissed. After paying for more than my third of the booze I was also being told I had to pay for the cab home and my own cover because the buds apparently felt that I am stinking rich and can just pay for one of them to come along free of charge. The highlight is I'm in a smoky bar with no one but a 19 year old sweat soaked gal pal I haven't seen in ages - who is hugging me repeatedly and trying to get me to dance. My lungs are burning and shutting down by this point, but at least someone is talking to me. I went home at midnight. Vowing to never do that scene again. Honestly there's no payoff in partying with mooches who are just milking you for money. Now that I know that about them, I will avoid it.

I'm pretty sure that y needs some cash as she was trying all night to get me to buy her stereo right then and there. Her and the ex-roomie were constantly talking about stuff they did and people they knew and I was just there. They kept saying some hotties were coming by but none did. There were no hotties I was into in the bar so it was a hottie bust for me. Good thing Bruce Willis was here to entertain me when I got home. I saw Hostage last night and I'm thinking I want to see it again. Tonight I'm gonna see Sin City. This afternoon I saw The Upside of Anger. I have done it, finally found the only other Kevin Costner movie I actually like him in. The other one is No Way Out.

I've decided when it comes to the whole party til you puke scene - I'm firmly with Roger Murtaugh, "I'm too old for this shit." :) Tomorrow I'm in hot demand so I'm resting up today. Last night did firmly cement my stance on living with smokers though, that'll be a NO. I don't need to develop my athsma to the point where I'm dependant on an inhaler. So far pepsi has been working just fine, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't need another perscription in my life. That's also why I don't want to pick up any of the bar boys. Nuff said on that.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:35 PM

25 August 2005

so this is for when you feel happy :
Saw this thingy on Opaco's site(link to the RIGHT). It was to list 5 things that make you happy. Add to that Rob of Free Will Astrology saying I should list what makes me happy and we have the follow up to unhappy hour.

What makes me happy:

Sleeping well
Laughing (at myself, you, the world, a joke, a movie etc.)
Getting phone calls from friends
Driving anywhere (even just going along for the ride)
Writing something I think is cool
Warm clothes from the dryer
Macaroni and milk
Long weekend
Taking pictures.

I know, in the end, what I really need is that miracle cure that will turn off my A-type personality and stop it from stressing me out, pulling me down and just really hating myself. I need that mental off button- the kill switch if you will, cuz that perfectionist miss is a grade A bitch who makes me wanna die with her non-stop tallying of what is and what I was supposed to be/have. She's the demons I haven't exorcised all rolled into one, and I have no Constantine of my own.

I'm my owm worst enemy, I'm my own worst fear.

I am only human and I have been brainwashed for many years. It will take a while for me to get over it and move on past it, hope you don't mind working with me through it. It's always good to know you're not alone :) Honestly talking about it makes me happy. I am shameless and I love to share.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:43 PM

bring on the dancing horses where ever they may roam :
I'm a traditional kind of girl. I'm trying to start the after work tradition of going out for 1/2 price munchies. East Side Mario's has them 5 days a week from 4-6 and 9-close. I went two weeks ago and I went today. I love wings :) I do happen to be the only person who went both times, but hey my traditions are the best. I just impose them on those who won't adopt them willingly. I did not take my id so I did not drink, the bartender wouldn't let me even try to convince him of my age. Is it a blessing or a curse being so youthful in appearance?

I do have to go and work again tomorrow. No luck on that front yet. In the meant time I have been thinking about how funny Jeremy Piven is and how important it is that someone out there tell me the signs of aneurysm and that I'm just weird. I don't hardly think about work at all at work, the joys of outbound, where nobody wants to talk to you anyways.

My head has been weird since I was assaulted by my brother-in-law - the self circumciser. He beat me in the head with his fist trying to knock me down because he was mad at my husband. It got him a year of parole and a restraining order. I will not hesitate to press charges! Anyways since then I get these weird shooting pains and this pins and needly feeling in my head. I know I should go have my head examined but I'm scared they won't find anything. (Laugh with me people :) I can see my ma now saying "How did you get all that education yet have nothing in your head?" I am wondering if this is just another wonderful side effect of my wonderful allergy proneness. Living in the city I didn't have the full on sinus alergies this time of year because there was much less plant life to be affected by. Out here you're spitting distance from floras of all kinds, all the time.

I will get it checked out, I have a list to plague my doctor with. I won't go dying before my time. It's down there on the right if you're curious. I'm due for a physical, an new pair of glasses and an internal. Yea my doctor's gonna love me. I'm not gonna love going all the way there, 40 dollars round trip. It will be worth it in the long run I know. In the meantime I have to remind myself to remember to call and make the appointment. Until then I take my multi vitamin, my acid reflux pills, my allergy pill and wonder if that pill I used to take a while back gave me a tumor. I am not a total hypochondriac but I am thinking my social anxiety may be manifesting itself in this curious new obsession with my immenent demise by the flesh eating disease (there are a lot of people around here who've had it) and or, any of the various heart diseases and cancers that have riddled the family tree.

Maybe it's just psychic karma coming around to beat me up for wishing my ex would just die already and savve me from having to file the paperwork to divorce his ass. Whichever way you cut it I need a doctor of some sort. I think I'll start with a witch doctor and work my way up to more acceptable medical practices when I can.

Keep Blogging!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:58 PM

24 August 2005

you say it can't be done you'd rather die of fun get out of the way :
I made it through the day, for about 4 hours I was pretty convinced I was having a heart attack. Ok, maybe a stoke - but something serious. I was numb in my left arm and my head was all pins and needles and I had a stabbing pain under my left lower rib. It freaked me out a bit but I was fine otherwise. I did and didn't want to go to the hospital. I didn't go. I felt better after a couple hours, but I got a headache. Apparently this headache decided it needed to freak me out to be taken seriously. I'm way over tired so every little thing is just AWESOME to me today. I was wound so tight I was on the verge of tears all day. I may just be having a nervous breakdown. I'm not sure if that feels any different from an aneurysm, but someone out there might so let me know.

I got home and a job I applied for last night had called this morning to ask me to come for testing. They are in Ottawa, I have no car. What was I thinking? Well mostly that a job that can stress me to the point I'm thinking I'm suffering a stroke while doing it is so worth quitting - so best be getting something way better to do. Yea that's it. Now of course I'm thinking what a hassle all this going to Ottawa will be if I don't get/take the job. Hopefully I can arrange a ride. I can dream :)

If I don't work something out I will quit and go on welfare until the next employment horror comes along. I'm all for being a totally over educated burger flipper but I have lost all ability to cope with this kind of stress. It's not that I can't handle stress, I can. I am the one to have around in a situation. I know what to do and I do it loudly, but I do it. I just can't take the lies and bullshit. I wasn't hired to do telemarketing I was hired to inbound tech support. My problem?

I have a contract that says I have agreed to "...perform each of the duties of the Tele-Service Representative as set forth herein and as established by {job} and such further duties assigned from time to time ..." Funnily enough the duties outlined herein are non-existant. The contract doesn't even refer to an internal website or document to view prescribed duties, unless they are included and assumed to be part of the company policies. They are the only things referred to directly with an internal website address. The remainder of the contract is rhe standrad don't tell our secrets, don't try to work for our employers and (funnily enough) don't work anywhere elese. It also says we are a 24/7 operation, which we are not and never have been. Someone went to the labour board about being forced to work holidays - which they can't do unles we are 24/7, and now the Job has to ask if we want to work holidays, uh no we don't f-you very much say most.

My contract does not specify at all, what I was told I would be doing when I was hired. Because of that my employer can say I knew I'd be asked to telemarket. Because of that I can't quit and get unemployment because I can't prove my duties were greatly and unreasonably changed. Because I hate my job so much right now I'm wondering if there's a market for an overeducated prozzie in the area. Only slightly joking here, at least I'd be doing something I like...

I digress. I am desperate to get away from this job. And lovely place that it is, it doesn't give references. So I can pretty much say whatever I want about the palce. The will neither confirm nor deny it. Wonderful really. Someone told me I could get a high paying job in a starch factory, I just need to move 2 small towns closer to Quebec for that. Or find a car pool. I could also just go work for Hershey, the pay well and are close enough I could get there on the bus. Oh yea, can you smell that smell? It's me, the desperation to get away from THIS job. They don't make a Secret strong enough for that.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:15 PM

23 August 2005

you gave me life now show me how to live :
I have a pair of comfy pants that look like a painting of clouds on a cerulean blue sky. When I look out my wee windows, through the mesh bug screen, the stop motion sky parades clouds by and I'm mezmerised.

How many lifetimes have I lived to get to this place? There is no way to count. I am infinite and yet I am only now. I have blue eyes and no one sees what I see. Life is subjective.

I object to being a telemarketer so much so tonight I applied for 5 jobs, only one of which is in town. Calgon take me away from here to a sweet smelling man and a dream my heart won't let go of.

Even as I'm pushing away from you, I can get distance on myself and recognise I am sinning against your innocence. You don't know me. I am the kid the bullies pushed in the ditch. I won't hesitate to take you down with me. Karma in my left hand, big old blade in my right.

I worry for you, my friend. I cry for you. The world is cruel. I am a part of it and crueler still. I will bend you to my will, as I have been bent by you. I will one day leave and never again think of you.

Is this true? Maybe from time to time a mind wonders. What once was comes to pass again. I think in ryhtms. I talk in rhymes. I love men. I humbly appologise WHEN and IF proven wrong. I will sing you a song if you listen long enough. I sing to everyone.

Onr day, when your famous smile makes a fool of the world, cutie. You will remember me and think of the cerulean blue of my eye. History repeats. Don't let your dreams die.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:16 PM

22 August 2005

oh this is beautiful i've to to soak it up :
When I want to listen to love songs I know I am at peace. I am, after all, a hopeless romantic. Sometimes, when I feel like this, I want to listen to sad songs, so I can remember what it's like to be sad. I'd like to regale y'all with a list of my all time favourite love songs, but that list is ever changing and well, it'd kill me to write it and you'd die reading it. So maybe later, in our twilight years.

A spammer has found me, if you come across a spam comment leave a comment about it with the post title or date so I can find it and delete it. I may have to switch commenting functions if this keeps up but, then again, I may enjoy the detective work. Y'know I'm lying on that one :)

Unfortunately my ability to sell ice to the Inuit is like, keeping me having sales no matter how much I hope that no one will want anything from me other than a transfer to another department. If I was trying I'd probably never have a sale but I get what I don't want - a lot, and I have to wonder if the universe knows what I need or if it's just fucking with me. I have to wonder.

If you’re in the mood for interesting music of an off the beaten path type try Big Head Todd and The Monsters. I like the band, not just because they’re called big head and I am a big head, they’re just good. Blame it on the Single’s soundtrack. Pt wants me to help her pick wedding music and I pick Love of My Life by Brian McKnight. I found out we-don’t-know-his-name’s name. Like I’d tell you! I took a scalding hot bath to relax and I’m so mellow now – if not for the couch I’d be languishing on the floor. Got the work a day blues washed right out of my hair.

Lest you think I’m abnormal (but I am really!!!!!!!!!)> Everyone at work was complaining much more vociferously and vehemently than I about the work. I swear I looked almost angelic, except for the small I get a free lunch gloat because I got the first sale from our training group. I want a steak but I dunno how that will happen. In a fit of bizarre Freudian slippage I said I wanted to go to the outhouse, bet the Outback Steakhouse has not thought of that short form for their ‘rant.

See there are perks all over my life right now. Which is why I know there is a change coming. I can feel it and I don’t know if it will be good or bad, but it will arrive and I am a bit worried. I just got some friends and a life going and will moving a gain for work or whatever, be the better thing? In the short run it never is cuz it straps me for cash and leaves me all alone again and bored me is bad me. In the long term it will bring more money, more stability and I can’t deny that’s a good thing, but the trade in of social life for work hasn’t always worked out well for me. We’ll see tho, we’ll see.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:38 PM

21 August 2005

and introducing ... the mental play list :
Ah so the new list is here, the new list is here. My friends, karma and the world have taken very good care of me this week and weekend. I'm introspective.

10) Grey Sky Morning - Vertical Horizon
9) Whatever It Takes - Ron Sexsmith
8) Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet
7) Take Me Home - Franz Ferdinand
6) My Darling - Wilco
5) Straight To You - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
4) Rain - Dogstar
3) Don't Cry - Guns 'N' Roses
2) Stones - Sonic Youth
1) Me - Paula Cole


i am not the person who is singing
i am the silent one inside
i am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
i just pacify their egos
i am not my house or my car or my songs
they are only just stops along my way
i am like winter
i'm a dark cold female
with a golden ring of wisdom in my cave
and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence
i am carrying my voice
i am carrying my heart
i am carrying my rhythm
i am carrying my prayers
but you can't kill my spirit
it's soaring and it's strong
like a mountain
i go on and on
but when my wings are folded
the brightly colored moth
blends into the dirt into the ground
and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
that i love (6 times)
i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know
that i love (5 times overlapping chorus)
but it's me
and it's me
but it's me (4 times)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:31 PM

love was just a fast car and i was just a cross in the road :
I don't like censorship. I removed Blogger's (and your) ability to Flag me. I believe it is my right to say what I want your right right to leave comments about it. If you don't like my place you don't have to come by or stay even, it's not like I've perfected the way of turning my blog into THE ONLY BLOG you can ever read again.

I have been seriously thinking that if I can utilize this flaw in Firefox thet causes all my open windows to spontaneously display a Blogger Not Found page everytime I read a Blogger blog and have another window open that I try to change pages in. If I can exploit that to display my page and my page only, but like all the time. Well I could have lots of readership. No one can rat me out because my page will be the ONLY ONE and well, there's no FLAG button. Evil genius IS ME.

NEWays. I went out yesterday til the wee hours and was indulging in a friends' new digital cable. Not that exciting really. I ate some homemade cooking and was, again, asked to be someone's roommate. This girl, we'll call her chile, smokes as well, but not as much as y. She is has a latin man who drives a truck and always wants to meet me and hook me up with his friends. Her offer is better because it's cheaper rent, but then again she is a smoker and I'm worried about lung infections. Y has one as we speak, she's lost 6 pounds from it and is so happy.

Aside from being this weeks drinking goddess I also appear to be CANADA'S #1 ROOMMATE choice, the girl everyone wants to hang with and not quite broke yet. Life's good. Now you'll have to excuse me while I go vacuum, do laundry and wash my raging hair - it's gone all brillo pad for no reason and if it's not careful I'll put a clipper hit on it - I've done it before. Ooh the joys of having no personal hairdressers and maids :)

I'll be back later with the mental playlist and I do thank you guys for coming by and reading and commenting. It's always warm fuzzies when getting a comment I swear. And Lyvvie - I think you could use lemon coke as alternative to pepsi lime. Or you could just put lime juice in your soda of choice and then some JD and see if it works. Long ago I discovered this store brand pop that was just cola with lime. They stopped selling it soon after and haven't brought it back. Since they don't sell it anymore I took to buying Realime(heard of Realemon?) or fresh limes and adding them to the soda I was drinking. Now it's pepsi lime for the not having to do the extra step, and if it goes away I'll go back to Realime. I don't like the artificial flavourings for citrus tho, they give me hives or worse if it's in liquor, so just make sure it has natural flavours. Then have at it :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:18 PM

20 August 2005

never made it as a wise man :
So the partay's over. Apparently telling random people about a party will prompt them not only to say they may show, but to actually show. Me and PT ended up having drinks with this we-don't-know-his-name guy. I was telling him about the soirée at work, while trying to help him validate a sale. He didn't really know what I was talking about for the sale so he blew it. I know at some point in my career at the job, he told me his name, but I suck at remembering things I never use, so I forgot it. I know he doesn't remember my name either so we're even.

So we're here, 2 chicky/silly flicks, some chinese delivery and cooler/jack daniels and pepsi lime on ice. Then we-don't-know-his-name comes by. Now PT coulda, and had millions of opportunities to ask his name, but didn't take 'em. I think she was too busy obsessing about her fiancé's whereabouts. I wonder about her and him because she seems to be very obsessed with him and where he is and why he doesn't call/check messages/use common curtosey when going out for hours on end - also known as calling to let her know he's alive. She was fairly frothy about it by 10.30 and went home to call around to find him. How do I know? Because she accidentally called here looking for him, thinking it was a friend of his' place. Woo doggy.

We-don't-know-his-name stayed on to watch the end of the second movie. He was falling asleep before it was even half way through. He lives close to the video place and volunteered to drop them off for me. He left at 11.45 and sometime after that I realized it was raining and hoped he didn't get caught in the rain. It's chilly tonight and I don't want to be the girl that w-d-k-h-n guy got pnuemonia from partaying with.

I am ashamed to say I drank them both under the table. Pt got down 2 of a 4 pack of coolers, w-d-k-h-n got through his 4 pack, and I polished off an entire mickey of JD before either of them was done their final drink. I was not stumbling, slurring or otherwise visibly impaired. Apparently I am now a drinking goddess. Gee I was dying for that one title. In other news, I impressed the hell out of 14 different people by appearing to be 20-24 years old when my driver's licence and other documentation distinctly says 34.5+ years. I was just rolling in the wow factor today.

At least the partay got off the ground early, went long enough and ended with no one being ditched or left out. I'm not sure everyone had the good time they were looking for - sorry w-d-k-h-n guy but I am shallower than I appear - still no one went away pissed off, insulted or left behind. Someone may have gotten home soaking wet but I won't know about that for sure til Monday and by then I can blame anyone's pnuemonia on something I dream up over the next few days.

Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:29 AM

18 August 2005

come loose your dogs upon me :
I'm just sitting here quietly. I AM sitting her quietly. The stereo is rather loudly announcing in David Bowie's voice that it's Afraid of Americans. I'm thinking how if I had to go to war I'd want Courtney Love on my side. I like Courtney, she's got balls, but let's face it- Courtney has massive issues. That's the kind of Bitch you want on your side when you need her, but you know that Bitch'll turn on you as soon as spit, so you probably tie her ass up when she's not needed. She's the pictorial definition of a scary woman. Not at all of how I think of myself.

So I got certified today. YUCK. I HATE MY JOB. I got a ceremonial pen, for making the first sale. It was not made clear to me if it was the first sale of the day or the first sale us salesfloor virgins got. I got 2 the entire day. yippee - can I be tasered now? See I like helping people. I don't see how doubling someone's bill by offering them one extra service and then a mere 5$ off for the bundle, is actually doing them any good.

Then, while I'm desperately trying to relax, Capitol One calls and tries to sign me up for a credit card. Hi - I'm not even out of bankruptcy protection yet and you wanna give me a gold card? What parallel I-Still-Have-A-Governement-Job universe are you living in? I know what I'll get in a couple of weeks - A FOAD letter. Even if they say I can have a secured card they'll probably want a giant deposit and it'll still be a FOAD letter. Go ahead and ask me what FOAD means.

Tomorrow is partay night in Canada. I'm glad of it. I need a break and drinking alone is never good. This time we're gonna do it up right. No x, y and z. No missing in action ice, maybe some pizza and a few good flicks. A recipe for a way to unwind el cheapo style. I really live for el cheapo :) Having a warm body to come home to would make it all worthwhile but I'll have to make due with my twin bed and one cold hand.

I got frostbite in that hand years ago, and now whenever the temperature gets below 15 degrees, my hand is cold. It's a great prank and a fairly effective thermometer; it's always as cold as the air outside no matter how warm the inside is. It's also a pain in the ass and I don't know how I can even have feeling in it when my hand is so cold. I don't have a circulation problem in it either it's just cold. Just the one hand too. Hence the one cold hand.

Me and my one cold hand are gonna go out and bitch slap the asshole smoking infront of my window, I don't need no second hand smoke. My public service for the day :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:07 PM

17 August 2005

you know i still believe that you will be here :
For over 3 weeks I have been doing nothing more mentally challenging then remembering the words to songs I like. Now we are being tested and let onto the salesfloor with very little idea of what we're really expected to do and whether or not we can actually do it. Training sucks!!!!!!!!!!

I did not have not been certified
I am not will not lose my mind
I will so do so take my time
I am not can not be certified.

I realize that doesn't make a lot of sense but my give a damn is busted :P

I chalk that crack up to the fact there is entirely too much country music being played in my vacinity and it's seeping into my brain. I need mental weeping tile.

On the gossip front the fidiot girl who didn't know the boys were calling her a whore - found out today. She was ripping but playing all passive aggeressive twit shit with the boys all afternoon. And then there's y, from the other night. She didn't call or come to pick me up for work today as she was supposed to. I ended up paying like 6 bucks to cab in. She's there acting all like nothing happened and doesn't want to talk about it. I think I have moved down on her list of friend s and this is her way of 'telling' me. More passive aggressive bullshit. I'm going to get the poisoning again I swear.

Seriously I just want to scream at people who do this passive aggressive shit - just get off your ass and come out with it. It saves time, feelings, lives. I don't confront them anymore tho. I used to and that was like just asking for the Olympics of p-a to begin. And these people always have tonnes of hidden allies who are there to make your life a living p-a hell. I don't need that shit. I'll just sit here with Marvin the Martian and say "You make me very very angry."

So I'm busy working out the other people I have to hang with. Right now there is a small assortment of them avaiable and it's nice to have choices. The p-a haters can all go choke on smoke and obsess themselves into oblivion - nuff said.

Instead of obsessing about work, like I should be because I don't even want to become an inbound/outbound sales rep and I'm so pissed NONE Of the other jobs I've applied for have called me - I'm dreaming of costume parties. Third night running now I've been at some costume party. Last night I was with a bunch of girls and we were all dressed like black cats and acting like characters from Sex and the City. Then I got into this giant ass truck and there was this guy I don't know but to look at, in the front seat. He's the fiancé of one of the girls I was with, and the guys up there with him, including the driver, all seemed to be buddies. They convinced me to get in and then took off leaving everyone else behind, including the fiancé. It was just weird. I felt kinda like I was being kidnapped, only I willingly went so it was weird. Then I woke up.

I guess Keanu woke up the other night and swore to himself that he was never dreaming about the KY Jelly warming liquid girl again - because he hasn't been around. Hell if it is true that the people you dream of are dreaming of you I don't want to know what I was doing or what the dreams were about for any of the people I've ever dreamt of. Let's face it, I have a wacko imagination and some of the stuff I do with people in dreams prompts people to ask me repeatedly if I take drugs.

I do not.

I don't need to , I have these dreams you see :P

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:30 PM

16 August 2005

you never thought to question why it's not like you killed someone :
Keanu the gorgeous Posted by Picasa

I gave myself an assignment. To find out if Keanu was infact just number 3. I don’t know what I was thinking but apparently I am a movie lover and will watch just about anything. I now have a totally unscientific list of my favourite and most watched male stars. Maybe I’ll make a list of the ladies, if I ever have the energy. This was tough. Lemme tell ya!!!

I decided to break it down by sections. We have a few categories starting with:
The Top Five:
These guys I’ll go see no, matter what.

1)* Bruce Willis
2) *Keanu Reeves
3) *Samuel L Jackson
4) *John Cusack
5) *Nicolas Cage

The Older Gents:
(Well Technically they all qualify but really some are older than others)

Cary Grant. He shares my birthday and had an amazing voice. North by Northwest anyone?
*Tommy Lee Jones. The guy just has the Southern Charm all over.
*Sean Connery. I grew up with John Wayne and James Bond, and that accent just rules.
Michael Caine. Still the better Alfie.
Armand Assante. I wanted to be his little darling, which was so illegal.
Robert Redford. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid started something
Harrison Ford. Han Solo. Indy. Who can ask for more?
*Mel Gibson. Those eyes and that smile had me watching his movies for years. Not so into the hair plugs.
*Jeff Bridges. He was too old for me when I first saw him, but he stole my heart anyways.

The Odds:
For various reasons these guys aren’t the usual suspects but they are so great.

*Christopher Walken. He is so cool. I bet he’s a laugh riot in real life.
*Val Kilmer. He still has it.
*Christopher Lambert. Great fun in any language.
*Johnny Depp. He’s watchable, which isn’t so easy to pull off in drag.
Kevin Bacon / John Travolta. I never know what I’m getting here. Dancing, killing, psychic phenomena.

If I Can Find Thems:
Hard to find at the video store but so worth it.

*Jean Reno. I want to watch French Cinema just for him.
Gerard Depardieu. He is why I started watching French films.
*Eric Stoltz. He’s been in an amazing array of films, most of which are amazingly hard to find. AND he has red hair!

Acquired Tastes:
I grew to want to watch them in films.

*George Clooney. The early tv years didn’t say much for what he became.
*Pierce Brosnan. I never cared that my dad said he ran like a girl, but I worried that he wouldn’t make it in films because of it.
*Wesley Snipes. Seriously he’s fun to watch.
*Antonio Banderas. Geeky doesn’t begin to describe his early roles. Definitely getting better with age.
*Timothy Hutton. I don’t know when or where but I caught the Tim fever.

The Young Turks:
I’m watching these guys because I can and it’s worth it.

Josh Hartnett. Michael Vartan. Seth Green. Jesse Bradford. *Sam Rockwell. Paul Walker. *Jason Statham. Scott Speedman. Christopher Gorham. *Jason Lee. Joaquin Phoenix. Shane West. Don Cheadle. Thomas Jane. Ryan Gossling.

The Break Ups Who Won’t Go Away:

Tom Cruise. I always thought he was weird. I grew up watching his movies but over the years I’ve seen less and less of them because, well he's arrogant and that sucks and he can’t act IMHO.

A number of these guys (Nic, Keanu, John C, Wes, Bruce, Eric, Val, Kevin, Tim, Mel, Sam J, John T, George, Pierce, Johnny) came onto the scene when I was a kid and I’ve grown up with them. Some are really aging better than others, but they all keep doing interesting work and I keep watching - Even when I swear I never will watch anything they do again.

I’ve only fully broken up with the Cruise. I appreciate Brad Pitt, but really only in Ocean’s 11 and 12. I probably missed a whack of worth mentionings but hey, gotta leave something for the other posts right?

Keep Blogging.
*He’s in it I’m watching the movie.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:49 PM

15 August 2005

please forgive all the disturbance i've created :
***Warning you may find this offensive. You've been warned so shut up.***

Do you believe that when you dream about someone they, in turn, are dreaming about you? Now I have people I don't know in my dreams frequently. Usually shortly after the dream I meet the people in real-life. I'm odd like that. I also can't drink alcohols with artificial flavours, you don't want to know why (but I'll tell you if you ask cuz I'm shameless).

So there I am last night, watching The Replacements and having a grand old time. I love that movie and I'll probably wear out the VHS copy I have because I watch it that much. It makes me laugh, it makes me tear and I imagine it may be like CATS. Never saw it so I dunno. Now for those of you unaware I really love Keanu Reeves. I don't know him but he is #3 on the list of men I have faithfully devoted my movie going time to. #2 is the dashing and funny Mel Gibson and #1 is the awesome Bruce Willis. I found Bruce in Moonlighting and have stayed with him since. I never blame Bruce for a bad movie, there is always a writer/director/editor/studio to blame. I Love Bruce.

After spending the day with an hour and half walk around town for the hades of it, getting groceries, doing dishes and cleaning the house like a good girl - I kicked back to menatlly chill. David Duchovny, Tate Donovan and Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves and finally John Cusack (in Grosee Point Blank) helped. Two dashing, charming tall dark and handsomes' back to back must have done something to me (Not counting David because he was going on too early to hit the fun slide to dream time(and Tate is ugly- sorry)). I had interesting dreams

So there I was, in my dream, having been dared to go as KY Jelly for Halloween - at a party. Keanu is there, and he IS talking to me. Fucking A right there. Now get this, he's dressed as a condom! Ya. He's all laughing about how we should hook up, there's no way we can't win the best costume competition. It's all about us, hands down. He's saying it's like fate. Then he wants to know why I decided to come dressed as I am. And I'm explaining to him that I didn't want to come as a tube of lube so I decided to come as a bottle of KY Warming - and he cuts me off by saying he really likes the stuff and then he takes my hand and




Damn. But I was smiling all day.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:48 PM

14 August 2005

Sunday's fabu mental playlist :
Nuthing muuch happening. Revisting the chick flicks in my collection and palying with the home theatre. :- )

10) Love My Way - The Psychedelic Furs
9) Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
8) When the Night - Beaudouin Soundclash
7) Don't Cry - Guns N Roses
6) Beauty - Shaye
5) Escape (Piña Colada Somg) - Rupert Holmes
4) Passive - A Perfect Circle
3) Save A Prayer - Duran Duran
2) Don't Cha - Pussy Cat Dolls
1) God's Hotel - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds


Everybody got a room
Everybody got a room
Everybody got a room
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got a room.
Well you'll never see a sign hanging on the door
Sayin 'No vacancies anymore'.

Everybody got wings
Everybody got wings
Everybody got wings
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got wings.
You'll never see a sign hanging on the door
Sayin 'At no time may both feet leave the floor'

Everybody got a harp
Everybody got a harp
Everybody got a harp
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got a harp.
You'll never see a sign hanging on the wall
Sayin 'No harps allowed in the hotel at all'.

Everybody got a cloud
Everybody got a cloud
Everybody got a cloud
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got a cloud.
You'll never see a sign hanging on the wall
Sayin 'Smoking and drinking will be thy downfall'.

Everybody hold a hand
Everybody hold a hand
Everybody hold a hand
In God's Hotel.
Everybody hold a hand.
You'll never see a sign hung up above your door
'No visitors allowed in rooms, By law!'

Everybody's halo shines
Everybody's halo shines
Everybody's halo shines
In God's Hotel.
Everybody's halo lookin' fine.
You won't see a sign staring at you from the wall
Sayin 'Lights out! No burnin the midnight oil!'

Everybody got credit
Everybody got credit
Everybody got credit
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got good credit.
You'll never see a sign stuck on the cash-box drawer
Sayin 'Credit tommorow!!' or 'Want credit?!? Haw, haw haw!!'

Everybody is blind
Everybody is blind
Everybody is blind
In God's Hotel.
Everybody is blind.
You'll never see a sign on the front door
'No red skins. No Blacks. And that means you, baw!'

Everybody is deaf
Everybody is deaf
Everybody is deaf
In God's Hotel.
Everybody is deaf.
You'll never find a sign peeling off the bar-room wall
'Though shalt not blaspheme, cuss, holler or bawl'.

Everybody is dumb
Everybody is dumb
Everybody is dumb
In God's Hotel.
Everybody is dumb.
So you'll never see on the visiting-room wall
'Though shalt not blaspheme, cuss, holler or bawl'.

Everybody got Heaven
Everybody got Heaven
Everybody got Heaven
In God's Hotel.
Everybody got Heaven.
So you'll never see scribbled on the bathroom wall
'Let Rosy get ya Heaven, dial 686-8441'

Keep Blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:46 PM

13 August 2005

they want your soul and your body blood and your bones :
So last night kept me from sitting home in a big ass snit at least. My sister owes me money and is again, not paying me back, as promised. She knew this days ago and instead of telling me she lied to me again and again saying it was a go to get the tv. I've been waiting to get the new 20" stereo tv I want til she pays me back. I know 20" ain't much but I have only a 13" mono one now so it's big to me. She doesn't get that tho, she's all pissed I'm mad at her and is saying stupid shit like she'll kill herself so I can have the insurance. That bitch ain't insured.

Anyways the party was great. The party was lame. The girls with the ice took forever to show up so the drinking started late. The girl holding the party didn't even want to invite half the people that came. I didn't want to be the only one invited and so I asked to invite x and y, party holding girl didn't want y there but oked x. X told y and z about the party and they invited themselves. Y was mad at me for not inviting her in the first place and to teach me a lesson (I supposed then), took off early with x and z leaving me to watch Sweet Home Alabama with party thrower(pt). While that movie has 2 relatively sweet looking men in it, I hated the thing the first time I saw it and that has not changed. Points to me for being tortured by this and Dirty Dancing Havana Nights - innumerable.

Pt had promised all sorts of fun and games, which is why I was going - but I wanted tag alongs. Now pt and I get on like a house on fire. She's great fun and really nice, we'll probably be friends forever. Pt is a sweet child but being a fiancé and all, she is all about nesting and in that way, a terrible bit boring - and I didn't want to be bored so I asked if some others I know could come.

In all fairness this was introduced to me as a get together of all pt's friends, none of which I know - and I'm thinking now that it may have been put on because she wants me to be involved in her wedding somehow and wanted her pals to meet me. Both her friends were, unfriendly. The one left almost right away, to go bowling, but not before bitching about it endlessly for hours it seemed. The other loosened up after bowling bitch was gone. It wasn't the best party scene when all pt's friends left then all the xyz girls left and the drinks had barely begun.

I was miffed. I went to a lot of trouble to make piña coladas and no one wanted any - becvause they were planning on leaving me there because I was the only invited one and I hadn't invited Y personally. Y admitted as much to me today, and I told her I couldn't inviter her to pt's party if pt didn't want me to. I'm not trying to make enemies here, but let's be straight up, it's not my party and I don't get to make the guest list. I asked who I could and if pt's pissed at x (which I don't know nothing was said to me) for inviting y and z then they all should talk about it - I'm steering clear.

See I was suffering from passive agressive bullshit poisoning last night. I would have rather been suffering from Captain Morgan poisoning, really. Today, being another day I slept late and went off to get sunburn and things done. By the time I hooked up with y I had gotten replacement batteries for my cd player, shopped walmart, canadian tire, staples and circuit city for a stereo and ended up buying a home theatre set from The Hock Shop. So far it's damn cool and I have to wait a bit to see if it works well as a stereo. Unfortunately it didn't do much to make my Constantine DVD sound good and I'm wondering if there's such a possibilty that the thing was just made wrong, with bad sound. I have to crank the new system up to like 20-35 to hear the talking in Constantine and with all my other DVD's 9-12 is way more than enough.

Other spiffy news - x gave me a blender. I'm so happy I want to make margueritas just to celebrate. I don't really want to drink right now tho. I'm not hanging or anything, I just don't want to sleep late tomorrow than not sleep til late tomorrow night and have to go to work early Monday and all. It will ruin my week, it always does being tired on Monday. I can be zombie Amber any other day of the week, just not Monday.

So unhappy hour is over, enjoy the surround sound while ya can k?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:25 PM

12 August 2005

d' ya wanna go for a ride :
The plan for this evening is girl's night of non sobriety. This should be fun I've been longing for marguerita-ville. OK I've just been longing to crush ice in a blender. I get to do it with some of my peeps. I have acquired some girls to hang out with, which is good. They are far younger than me, which isn't helping me with my schism over my age and social scenes. I'm too old for a lot of the goofiness I see. I just can't find the fun in it. Maybe I'm too battered...

I really am 2 girls in one, not in a schizophrenic way either. The truth lies in the fact I'm a Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. I have had my Goat out for too long. It's time to let my inner Aquarian out and enjoy it for a while. The Capricorn part of me is all fine and good but so straight laced and un-fun you can AutoCad a small city with her ass (bad analogy if ever there was one :). My inner Aquarian has no sense, bad taste in men and a penchant for VERY risque talk. We'll be going by the LC, Wal-Mart (for a blender of course) and straight to the par-tay after work tonight. Blowing off steam. I SO NEED THIS!!!!!!!!!!

I keep finding signs of actual romance and fabulous lives out there and oh yea I'm jealous. These kids got it going on and I feel so old and well, unrequited. After all I didn't amount to much when compared to them. That's the bane of my A-type, over-achieving, goal oriented Capricorn Goat. I see what I don't have and feel lacking. I love my Aquarian l'il water bearer. I see what I don't have and know it doesn't matter. What I have is more than enough and, often, better. When I get these two sides together they can combine to quicksand and trap me in silent stillness. Or they can combine into this brash practicality that makes me a force to be reckoned with. More often that not I feel more like a wandering disaster area looking for somewhere to kick up my feet, but hey - no one's perfect.

At the end of the day I'm my own worst enemy. Who isn't???? I also, once in a while, cut my self the utmost slack and allow shit that I wouldn't take from no one else - from myself. All of this is just occassionally, which is why I'm going to party regularily priced at 199.99, like partying is on sale for 19.99. Oh hell ya. I'm gonna put the A in Karaoke, whether or not we have any music :) Watch out Friday here I (we) come and I'm (we're) on a tear!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:15 AM

11 August 2005

beautiful and i want you to know you're my favourite girl :
I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do

There are so many pretty girls. We don't look into the camera. We all have somrthing to hide. We are heart breakers and we have fierce pride. We don't kow how to stop shining. Hiding in plain sight.

I know a batch of beautiful girls. Like me, their beauty may be hard to see and not socially defined as acceptable. They are numerous. These girls have scars from botched suicides, have severe depression, drinking problems and self esteem issues. Still they have a beauty that makes me want to cry. Not because they are my friends or because I noticed them and have gleaned their secrets as they turn away from the everyday bullshit. They are beautiful because they exist. Like me.

We all have something to hide. The thoughs in our head, the one in our bed, the lies we believe because we have always been told them. There are things I'll never be free of. But I am not an angry girl. I am sometimes fathomlessly sad. Like my fellow beauties I suffer and I prevail.

The next time you see that slightly flickering smile that says 'I'm unsure of all this'. Smile in return with some 'right there with you' and the world will be a better place. Everyone needs to be backed up by a new found friend. Everyone needs to look directly into the camera and breathe deeply in of the fact - we are all beautiful out there, in here and everywhere.

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

I am beautiful.

So are you.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:45 PM

i made my bed i'll die in it my friend :
Stolen gleefully from Opaco:

I am going to die at 85. When are you? Click here to find out!

I finally got to this, I can beat my deadlines see???

My response to the paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping. People always lend a helping hand when you don’t expect it. The more simply you can say things the more agreement you find in others and the less you want stuff the more stuff you get. My Motto : Give people change – always.

b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them. This is all Wil Wheaton here. I find this is true about conscious visualization. I make the distinction because I’m a vivid dreamer and if I didn’t then I risk being arrested for hunting and killing Kevin Bacon, cuz I was doing it in a dream this last week. I actually like Kevin enough to wish him no harm. I think it was brought about by watching this lame Footloose dance/gymnastics rip off video by The Marble Index. Poor Kevin never had a chance and it’s not even his fault. My Motto : Daydream great things for the future.

c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it. When you want something you rarely ever see the whole of the thing. It’s much harder to be totally aware of the whole then it is to focus on the shiny attractive bits. Everyone has this, which is why relationships in general can become war zones. The trick is to be aware of the fact that there are unknowns in everything and how you deal with the question marks is what makes you who you are. My Motto : Expect nothing, there’s no disappointment there. It’s good to want things. Getting them isn’t always as good.

d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee. I find this is true of most things. That saying be careful what you wish for, you just might get it is a kicker. Fate has a piss poor sense of humour, like the literal and un-funny genie on the X-Files - your wish was also probably your doom. I thought all I ever wanted was someone to just love me. My ex taught me that this is not enough. They also need to respect you, care about you and care, really care. It’s funny but I know people can love people and pets even, yet treat them abominably through selfishness, neglect, abuse, ignorance. Love have a lot of little bullets under it now and I’m still looking for it, now I use binoculars(maybe a night vision scope) and a flak jacket tho ; ) My Motto : Time, the great equalizer.

I'm still working on identifying my deepest wish. What can I say? I'm inscrutible sometimes.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:49 PM

10 August 2005

do you like piña coladas getting caught in the rain :
I am the music afficianado of, well, everyone. Even at work people come up and ask me who sings what song, what the lyrics are etc. Today it was Escape (The Piña Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes. Before you bow at my feet, I googled that info because, contrary to popular belief, I don't know everything. I'm not Encyclopedia Amber, though I do cultivate the image just to be useful. It gives people a reason to talk to me when thet wouldn't for any other reason.

I did know the boys saying that the Crusades (wikipedia says 11th-16th centuries) happened in 1785 and that the Renaissance (google says (1450 - 1600)) happened in 1785 too; were wrong. I knew, all by myself that the Acadians driven out of Canada started showing up in Louisiana (New Spain) as they had been paid by the Spanish to migrate there from France. I also knew definitely that it was fur trader times. It was funny listening to them go on saying "Take my horse and charge my cellphone.", for a little while. I would have known all of the previous paragraph, but I'm bad with dates and places and names. OK - I'm THE WORST History Major you'll ever find, but I rock at research!!!!!!!!!

The weather is trying to boil us all alive right now, as I type, I'm melting into a puddle and praaaaaying for gi-normous lightening storms to level my workplace and cool off the world I live in. It's good to want things :)

I wasn't here yesterday because I went to the banal Home Depot Job Fair. Along with everyone in the Eastern Ontario Region, from the way they were talking anyways. I got to watch the manager/owner run down everyone's names and positions and then waited for my 5-10 minute (un-advertised) on the spot interview. Personally, I find it way easier to rock an interview when the interviewer is actually looking at, paying attention to and, well, generally there. If I hear back from them I'd be suprised because the girl, who shakes my hand then tells me she has a cold - was high in cold meds (I hope). She spent the entire interview watching someone else have a fight or reading the questions. She wrote down stuff I never said. It was so hard to talk to her because, well, she wasn't there. Lord knows what to say to that, except PAY SOME FREAKING ATTENTION TO ME. Yea, done now.

Glad you all enjoyed the angel, I may make him permanent on the side bar. The Cowboy - he speaks for himself and I bet he's glad so many of you noticed :)

There is one thing I know that I will share. When I pay attention I PAY attention. I pick up on so much just being the hyper vigilant girl I am. Like? Well I noticed this guy is like, in love with his roommate. I noticed said roommate is so un-impressed with said guy. I noticed one of my friends says she's shy but is the biggest extrovert I currently know. I have noticed every power play someone has tried to pull off on me and that the serial starer, now suddenly talking to me - still stares - but not as much.

My complex about the staring is in remission :)

Serial starer guy asked me the other day, what my arm tattoo was about, saying it was such a bizarre thing. It's a horse and I objected to the term bizarre, he conceded saying that it was just an unusual piece. Either way he was talking like I had a giant gorilla raping babies on my arm instead of a horses' outline. At least I know what his fixation was. Now I can't wait til long sleeve weather so I can go unnoticed by him again :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:28 PM

08 August 2005

you know they're just a bunch of losers :
K so I was at Sandra's blog and found her quiz link, and Y'Know

I'm not Bragging but these are my results:

You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

MenTal fUrbAll