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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

30 August 2006

things were never easy for me peace of mind was hard to find :
What is really flipping me out right now is that My foot is back in pretty good shape. I can feel all the toes and walk on it fine and the swelling's all gone and that lump that was causing me pain



Apparently my Dr is a genius. He managed to remove the problem from my foot without actually doing so. I get to see him Friday. I get to point out to him that the lump, the one that hurts to walk on is right here where it has been fo going on 9 months. I'm not happy about the idea of getting more freezing, more surgery, more scars and more time off work. It kept me up all night last night, the burning idea of all those shots to the foot. And what if he misses it again?

I'm kinda pissed because I wanted this over and done with and to be up and walking with purpose by September. Now I'm more or less looking at another appointment and 2 more weeks of hobbling in or close to September. I know I never should have stepped on the glass in the first place but sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way. Trust me, I have.

Kid T is settling in nicely. It's hard to tell how it will all work out in the end, but so far there are no whiteboard notes flying so it all looks relatively normal at the casa. I'm loving the new cooler weather and the fact that Kid M's not hanging around much makes this place really quiet. He didn't die he just decided after telling his girl friend a string of lies (so I've heard) that he ought to make up for her all out efforts to get him back by proposing. She was here today talking rather loudly about it on her cell phone. Not everything I now is heresay :)

I can't wait for my new bed and I can't wait for lots of other stuff too. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:28 PM

28 August 2006

i know your habits but wouldn't recognize you yet :
I know my summer's been spent in a daze. I haven't been keeping the faith with unnumbered of blogs I love. I haven't been seeking out new ones. I have nothing much to say so the posts aren't grande and the comments I make elsewhere are sparse. I'm just finding out that an artist I love is having a crisis and I'm feeling foolish for missing the opportunity to say I'm sorry it's happening. That's the the thing about the world and celebrity. You can feel so attached to someone you have never met and will never know in a face to face way, yet you have something of theirs. You have their art. In a way a blog is a similar phenomenon. There are so many and some get read and some don't. In the purest sense you get to peek into some one else's life and take from it what you want. The ultimate pick and choose.

And how do you pick and choose? How do you read someone's jagged train of thought and decide it's not your cup of tea? Is it tone, content, style, colour and font of the page. It's a little like making friends and then again it isn't. I get the occasional comments but most people who read this don't say a word. I have told my friends and family about this page. My family couldn't care less. Some of my friends read it. Why don't I have a loyal band of comentors that cause the comments section to light up like a wild IM convo party? Mostly because I don't reply to many of the comments in the comments section. Otherwise I don't know, and I've talked about this before. If the fact I'm not the kind of blogger that has a loyal commenting section is telling of some sort of social inability on my part. Am I just not that friendly? Am I just not selling myself enough to warrant the time to say hey I get it? I sure as hell don't know.

WHY do I bring this up? Well I was reading about 3 reasons women don't speak up. I think it's terribly valid in that I've had all of these things said to me to shut me up. I am a speaker upper. People don't know how to take that. I'm often told I'm mean even when I'm not saying anything mean. I got into a flame war with an entire row of guys at work last night, all because I wouldn't stop making a come back. I can dish with the best of them and I'm not much afraid of saying anything. One guy told another guy he'd made me worse -> I wasn't usually that mean. Of course the guy who thinks I'm worse didn't appreciate my telling him I wasn't going to do double the work unless he dropped dead. I'm not doing squat on his say so. Joke or not. And please, if it is a joke, don't repeat it over and over like a mantra that you're trying to get back up on. It wasn't funny the first time quit while you're ahead. During the evening I got called a velosoraptor (?) and Ramber (like Rambo get it - duh). Several people told other people not to mess with me because I'll mess them up. And we were only talking. Kind of joking. Still why am I so bad to talk to/joke with? Exactly what was I doing that they weren't? Oh right I have tits I'm not supposed to be able to keep up? Yea right. Check again buddy I'm not backing down and demurly blushing when you throw some sexist bullshit at me, I fling it right back just like my Daddy taught me. He was big on 'don't get blown up by the grenade throw it back'.

When I get home tonight there's supposed to be the new roommate. Kid T. I won't have met him, and won't meet him until the morning unless he's up and drifting around. God only know how this is going to work out. Kid M is making himself scarce, but as he does that another whiteboard war has erupted. I'm wondering what in the world is the point of asking/letting a guy you can't talk to stay. He's acting like he has them by the short and curlies and he's kind of right. In the mean time I got the body shops honey shampoo and conditioner and now I'm being grossed out by the smell of my own hair. It's so sweet I can;t even stand it.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:21 PM

27 August 2006

you were naked, you were shamed :
I've been sporadic lately I know, I've been busy being selfish and self absorbed. Mostly I've been thinking how I hate dating. All dating does is make me believe the world is full of liars all out to get what they want from whom ever they can dupe. I'm not interested in being duped. I'm not even interested in trying to figure out how I am lying to people. If everyone does it I must be lying too. I think I know how I lie. I lie by saying to myself and everyone that I don't care. I do care though. It bothers me that I'm letting a friendship slip away because the friends in question couldn't be bothered to help me out when I needed it. I always find a way to get into lopsided relationships, where I have power because I am either giving things like food, money, entertainment or I am with holding those things.

I've never thought of myself as a power player before but I've noticed that what I was previously seeing as altruism on my part, helping my friends by feeding or getting alcohol or taking them somewhere - it's jsut buying company. In most cases the people I chose to patronise (yea isn't that a hoot for a charitable word?) are non recyprocating. Sure they say they'll buy next time but next time comes and they are broke and I'm buying again. I end up feeling used and taken advantage of. Ironic because I establish the precendent myself. No one is forcing me to buy anyone else anything, I just don't see the need to be cheap if I can afford it I should share. Funnily enough it's kind of guilt inducing to have someone else buy me something if I have the money or not. I think I've reached aplace where I can look at that internal contradiction for what it is.

So after all these years I've realised that not only do I make other more important than me in everyway I do it financially too. I'm not giving away my money to my loser ex to support his myriad of dependencies anymore, instead I'm giving it awayt to make being alone ok. I give it to stores so I can while away my empty hours with DVD's and puzzles. I give it to unfortunate folks hoping that will make them like me and be my friend so I have somewhere to go on a Saturday night, someone to talk to on the phone. None of that gives me any real peace of mind. None of it is making the kind of relationships that get you real connections, understanding and help.

I'm not saying I don't have friends, because I do. I've lost far more 'friends' thatn I care to count and I am reather ruthless about cutting people out of my life when I feel it's necessary. Lately I'm finind it necessary to just sit back and contemplate my navel. Seriously. I need to look into that little hole and figure out how I'm going to erase all the crap in my head that has me running around trying to impress people who don't give a shit about me for no reason other than to feel important. I need to find a way to make my self understand that I am important all by myself. Even if no one ever notices me, laughs at a joke I make or ever reads this blog. I matter and I make a small difference in the world. Yes it's raining today, I always get a bit downer postish when it rains.

Mental Playlist:

10) chasing cars -snow patrol
9) blue velvet - bobby vinton
8) the messenger - the tea party
7) it doesn't matter - alison krause
6) hate me - blue october
5) rearview mirror - pearl jam
4) bad medicine - bon jovi
3) crying in the rain - aha
2) ordinary -train
1) i alone - live

"I Alone"

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!

it's easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
we long to be here by his resolve
alone in the church by and by
to cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself chained to fate

oh, now, we took it back too far,
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn
all come runnin' back to you,
all these rhythms that you hide
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:04 PM

26 August 2006

tell me lies tell me sweet little lies :
It's official, and even though the Landlords knew last week I just found out a couple of days ago that Kid M isn't moving, I do not get a bigger room and the new Texan should be here Monday. I think I deserve the psychic firends network award for being right. I've been totally sure since July that Kid M wasn't going anywhere, and I was right. At least they got their act togethere and told me so I could finally unpack my shit in here and organise my room so I can live with it. I can live with the lower rent, I just don't think it's fair he gets to stay here for cheaper than anyone else and without a lease. Family or not the rules should all be the same.

In the mean time I took off Friday and went and got myself a new bed. I went to Mattress MArt, they're having a 30th anniversary sale, and I let myself get talked into a new (but returned) memory foam mattress. With the boxspring, fram and delivery I get it for 719. No tax because of the sale. The regular price of the bed is 1199. With out frame and delivery (80 dollars) and tax. I've also been hitting all the sales I can so as to get some more clothes that will take me stylishly onward. I kinda want to get more coolio on that front.

I'm happy about the bed and I'm chill as to the new person coming. I have to be I can't move away what with having a lease and all. I've been really lucky the last few days and I'm glad of it, but sometimes something less than great happens in the midst of the goodness and you wonder if things have taken a turn for the worst. I don't think they have, not really but it does remain to be seen. After all, nothing is ever predicatbel in life. At least not the stuff you can't see and be affected by directly everyday. That stuff is pretty easy to predict. It's the unexpected shopping carts hitting the cars of life that you just can't see coming and then wonder why you didn't realize that was going to happen. Sure thers's a dent but life is still grand right? It's still good, no one died. Nothing's the end of the world.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:15 PM

22 August 2006

could this be the day i've waited for? :
Ok simply put I got divorced because things changed. The man I met and married bares little resemblance to the one I lived with afterwards, left and divorced. When I cam back to my blog I was almost a year out of my marriage. That year wass one of healing and trying to reconcile what was going on then with my past and figure out how not to let the future eat me alive while tried to fix whatever it was that makes me do these insane things to myself.

I got married 21 September 2002 after a whirlwind romance where we met and and got engaged and married in 10 months and 3 days. I didn't really know him, and he didn't really want me to. He was looking for a sugar momma, someone who he could kick around and control and basically use to supplement his income. My ex husband is deeply disturbed and has decided the best way to get through life is to drink heavily daily, take every kind of medication he can get his hands on that is meant to do anything but cure his depression and while he's at it he wants to forgo pleasentries like bathing, eating, brushing his teeth, washing clothes, paying bills and the like. If you get in his way he will destroy you. He starts with the verbal assaults and works into the physical stuff with great relish and abandon.

He stole my ocycotin when I broke my toe, he stole the percocet they gave me when a cycst burst, he would buy 300 ocycotin pills from his friends and take them all in a week. He smoked so much weed he smelled like a smoke house, it got to the point where he had to grow his own because his dealers wouldn't front him enough to keep going. He loved hash, ate gravol like it was going out of style and felt tums and gatorade were enough food to keep him going. His favourite was to take a sheet of robaxacet with a mickey of vodka and then try to hit on me. I just can't say how unsexy a guy talking out of only one side of his mouth is. It was the only way for me to know how fucked up he was. When he'd get to the point where half his face was paralyzed and could only move half his mouth. He refused to see a counselor, or go to rehab. He constantly threatened to kill himself. After a while I was telling him to do it already and get it over with, no one would miss him. I wasn't exactly supportive.

The long and short of it was nasty, we were feeding off each other in a bizarre and psychotic kind of terrorism where both of us made each other the worst versions of ourselves. That downward spiral was making me sick and making me realize that he really believed that is WHO he is, all he wants to be and he would NOT HEAR of change. It was just a matter of time until he decided to kill me. He'd already destroyed all the doors in our apartment because he could, he'd punched holes in the wall, thrown the furniture, cut himself up and ripped his clothes apart and when he took to hitting me I left. I may be many things, but I'm not a victim.

I decided then and there that staying wasn't an option, help he didn't want and I was just something to be used until it didn't function any more. I was already broken and reliving all the lowlights of my life with my drunken and hateful family all wrapped into one very spiteful and vicious man wasn't something I ever wanted to do. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was going. He helped me move out. He really believed I would be back because he felt I was all Stockholm syndromed and couldn't live without him. I NEVER went back. It was pretty easy for me because I'd been leaving him for months. He made it easy by being a total dirtbag and totally unclean. I left 31 July 2004, after fighting the good fight for going to rehab and getting clean.

I wasn't gone a week when a new girl moved in. He thought he could keep it a secret but he can't keep secrets from me. She forbid him to talk about her to me but I don't really care. She can find out the hard way how not wonderful he is. He can put on a good show but it doesn't last long, and finally I don't owe that show anything. He can't come after me for squat and I better never hear from him again. That may be mean or whatever, but I don't care.

Any other questions? Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:46 PM

20 August 2006

i'm bored but i'm crooked like everybody :
Nothing much going on.  I've been watching DVD's instead of tv.  There's nothing on and even the DVD's don't hold all of my attention.  I'm a little spares these days, but I'm trying to focus on the most annoyingly cut up jig saw puzzle I've ever seen.  It'll b cool once I get it together, but for now it's like a rorshack test of my ability to visualize posibilities.  Mostly I'm wrong, but I'm trying.

I can say for certain that i feel strangely renewed since I offically became a divorcee on Thurdsday.  It's nice to know I can win the lottery without being legally compelled to feed someo one else's drug and alcohol dependency.  now let me at the big jackpot.  Or even the 100, 000 jackpot - that pays all my debts and gives me some fun money.  Yea I have jackpot dreams, doesn't everybody?

Time for the top ten:

10) daisy, daisy - harry dacre
9)  bring me to life -evanessence
8)  i'm sorry now - jude
7)  a design for life- manic street preachers
6)  song beneath the song - maria taylor
5)  out of my head - mobile
4)  il mondo - patrizio buanne
3)  it doesn't matter - allison krause
2)  it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol
1)  my outta style is coming back - matthew good band

"My Out Of Style Is Coming Back"

Some days are short
Some days are longer
I sold my skin
I sold the skin that I am in for a plan

My out of style is coming back
I'm bored but I'm excited
Our out of style is coming back
We're bored but we're excited

Some days are more
Some days than others
I'll shed my skin
I'll shed my

My out of style is coming back
I'm bored but I'm excited
Our out of style is coming back
We're bored but we're excited

I tried but it failed me
Like everything that's cool is over my skull
I tried but it failed me
Living only to die dumb

My out of style is coming back
I'm bored but I'm bored but I'm
Our out of style is coming back
I'm bored and I'm crooked like everybody

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:28 PM

18 August 2006

it won't be a stylish marriage i can't afford a carriage :
I got my divorce papers today. Yahoo. Officially free. I ordered in liquor so I could relax a bit and my landlords bribed me with Swiss Chalet to watcht he cat this weekend as they are going camping. I'm seriously thinking of cutting the damn stitches out of my foot as I've now pulled 2 of them and the rest are bothering me immensely, even though I am dutifully keeping the wound as shiny as I can. I got razzed at work about how they will itch, and they aren't. The issue I'm having is that they are tight and uncomfortable and make me very aware they are there and it's annoying. I can deal with pain. I'm good with it, I can manage, but the tugging, the thought I'm actually doing more damage by getting on with my walking day life - just makes me mad. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and ask about it. If he says it's cool I'm gonna take a few of them out. I've have permanent stitches before and I took those out myself. They were in my knee. These are supposed to dissolve but obviously they aren't going anywhere fast -> at least fast enough for me.

In the mean time we have quizzes:
You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true"
You're one laid back chica - and men love that!
Just remember that no good guy likes a dormat.
So if you find your self going along to get along...
Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.

But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?

It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.

Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a

great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself
But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing
You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier
A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!

Guys Like That You're Charming

You're the girl most guys can't get out of their heads
Even if they met you on a bad hair day :-)
You just seem to "click" with everyone you meet
So even if a guy forgets about you for a second... his friends haven't!

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen
Peacemaker, first to end a fight
Good at thinking up creative dates
Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily
Going with your gut instead of your head
Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault
Good at recognizing patterns in relationships
Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count
Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love
Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow
Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind
Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

You Are 39% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts.
Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:26 AM

16 August 2006

i just had to learn that after all of this you just don't care :
I got the link in the other post to work so you don't have to copy and paste it inot another browser to see it. Click at your own risk. I've been complaining about how my 'pals' dropped me, in the mean time I'm getting pity galore. I'm a slow moving land mammal these days with a tonne of new friends and concerned parties. Some of whom are gross and want to see the scar tissue and glass it has in it, and are disappointed I didn't bring it home. There are others that are going out of their way to be nice and cool and I keep getting a ride home after work -> so it's been kind of refreshing. Even though all this walking funny is making my right knee deform into painful no allegiance to my body and I still am seriously pissed at my married friends for acting like I don't exist - I'm working past it. Trying to take it as a slight from people who don't know how to cope with adversity. Some people can't deal with it. They apparently are such people.

Today, it's been 31 days since I got the papers saying my divorce would be final 31 days from 17 July. Except for the actual paperwotk - that I get tomorrow - I'm divorced. Tomorrow I will also get a cake and drink. Maybe not hte best idea on my leg but I'll be at home so I can sleep on the couch if I can't get myself up the stairs. I know I'm overdoing the being nice to my foot hting because it's throwing my kee and even hip out of wack, but it's all because of the stitches. I didn't have any last time and so there was no weird pulling sensation whenever I stepped with too much pressureon my foot. My unconscious fear of causing that pull has me tensing my foot into a ball almost all the time and walking pretty exclusively on the outside of my foot too, the far outside edge which is killing the ankle.

Still can't catch a break with the local Kids though. Kid M can't find it in the space where a heart should be to take me to get my divorce papers tomorrow. His gas money loss not mine. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people are with their cars, especially people who are doing nothing else all day long. But hey, it's not like I didn't see that one coming. After all he's a jerk and no one here likes him, it's got to be hard on the guy. I don't think he's totally oblivious to the fact that his list for friends and allies doesn't include the people he lives with. A far more bitter pain than any I have.

In the meantime I'm going to be walking on my foot as flatly as I can to help save my ankle. I'm going to be fighting this weird head cold percipitated - funnily enough - by the anti biotics I am taking. They're throwing my athsma into action, so I'm coughing all the time and have developed that rasp that Demi Moore and Kathleen Turner are known for. Thing is I don't smoke, so I don't want to rasp like I do. I need to have an auto return function on my cane, as everyone loves to play with it, so when I need to walk somewhere it's out of reach. I try gimping it large around the house caneless - because painkillers and bandaids aren't far away. In the meantime I put on both my ankle braces and I'll wear my crocs and hobble to work where I will ask for a special pass to go throught the non revolving doors so I don't get eaten by them or trapped in them as the fail to push me out and stop moving all togehter. I'm already special ed these days, I don't need the extra badge of shame that is getting stuck in the revolving door at work.

The other night we went out to Denny's after work. There was 6 of us, 5 were people I work with and one girlfriend of a coworker. 3 of us had steak. 2 with egs, one had the meal. Now I used to go to Denny's in Kingston after hitting the closing time of clubs on Princess Street. It was cooler than Burger King because there were always rides with hot boys involved, but the food was horrid. I hardly ever ate there. Skip to Monday night and I have to say while the food was good at the time, something about it made the meal into a more potent form of the McDonalds internal cleansing. Denny's, the best place for a food experience that keeps on giving -> I guess.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:57 PM

13 August 2006

it's all coming back to me now :
Since I'm not trying to make anyone sick I'm posting this link to see my foot. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4544/1/320/scar.jpg
The last scar I had wasn't this gross and it didn't take so long to walk on. Yea I'm all about the pain and gain, just really counting on the gain now as I've done the pain and had the tylenol 3 spins to prove it. I'd rather rot my gut with ibuprofen. Thank you very much.

My near by friends have decided not to talk to me at all. I guess the endless I pulled a stitch and don't want to pull anymore is getting them down. Yea it's their fault for not being able to cut me 30 minutes and help me get a cane. Kid J went today and got me one. It's doing wonders for my knees already. In the mean time I need to find some way to dry out the Jade tree before it rots into nothingness. Thanks a lot idiot waterer. I watched the Perfect Storm this afternoon, and it was better the second time. It's a long movie and somehow the commercials really helped to keep me glued to the set. I think I may really like that movie, more than I thought I did before.

Rockstar FINALLY showed some balls and got rid of a 2 fer. I didn't really like Jill and I'm no fan of Patrice. Why? Because I forget them as soon as they leave the stage. I think Dilana and Magni are the best and Dave was way late in feeling that Dilana could front the band. She's never shown anything but that ability. Thing is, the rest of the people aren't bringing their A games. Toby, Lukas and Ryan aren't the best at showing any range. Zayra is ver Bjork-ish sounding to me, and maybe the mixing is bad but half the time I can't hear her over the music. Storm is really relying on her sex appeal to get her the attention -> being careful not to gyrate or incur Gilby's wrath. I seriously don't know how they are going to get interesting show out of the rest when the criticize Toby and Ryan for going in new directions and pat Lukas for doing the same old same old, but longer. I'm confused about their direction not the performances. I'm clear that Jill came out dressed like Tracy Bonham for Mother Mother and ended up looking like Avril Lavigne. I know that Josh can sing, but he doesn't have the chops to not get killed by a loud band. I think poor little Dana shoulda got reinvited, because she was nailing the songs - even though she seemed stuck in karaoke land.

In the mean time I live for the return of my favourite shows. Prison Break comes back in about a week. Grey's Anatomy is coming out with the second season on DVD soon and I'm going to go buy the 2nd season of the 4400. I like that show enough to do that. I have completed my Buffy collection and have to work on getting my Angel collection done and then it's all X-Files for me baby. I'm all about the Mulder and Scully.

In the meantime I bring you the top ten:

10) i alone - live
9) desperately wanting - better than ezra
8) split screen sadness - john mayer
7) not an addict - k's choice
6) you could be happy - snow patrol
5) out of my head - mobile
4) so far away - staind
3) suicide is painless - the manic street preachers
2) if god will send his angels - u2
1) in your room - depeche mode


In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave

I'm hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

I'm hanging on your words
Living on your breath
Feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:23 PM

11 August 2006

take a glorious bite out of the whole world :
Yesterday I had about 4 hours sleep, then sat for 40 minutes feeling the freezing and then the removal of the glass from my foot. The freezing is a lot like the freezing you get at the dentist. They don't remove the needles so much as move it around and pour the stuff in. It was a nice once the freezing took as It was all pulling and pushing sensations after that, no pain but no real relaxation. I kind of thought it would work better, but as with most freezing and me, it was working to a low point of making the frozen thing feel kind of thick and dead, but I could still feel everything he was doing after the incision that is. It didn't hurt but it was real creepy.

The creepy started with the giant needle they used to freeze my foot and kept on rolling through my discomfort and the ride home. I know I was cranky. Iwas cranky from stressing and little sleep and having to move my jade tree from the living room because Kid J is watering it to death and thinks she should be allowed to. I have explained the tree is a cactus and doesn't need to be watered every 3 days, still she's been trying to kill it and it finally started to shed leaves like it was giving up the fight. So now it's in my room, resting. I'm going to dry it out and then water it like it needs to be. No one kills my house plants but me.

Funnily enough almost none of my friends are available to talk to me. They won't answer the phone or their email. I'm dying for a Spicy Buffalo chicken strips meal from DQ. I know I can't walk there myself and I'm cheap so I don't want to take a cab and get it and come back. I guess I could call in and order it and have a cab bring it here but that seems over kill when one of my married friends could easily go there and bring it over, not like I can't/won't pay them back or even buy them something to eat. Everyone here is gone for the weekend, except Kid J who I'm starting to think may have a fear of the outdoors. I asked and she won't go get the food even if I buy. It's a 10 minute walk and I can't find one frigging taker. I think my friends suck because I'd do it for them. Well I would have, but now I'm less than feeling charitable and more like feeling vengeful.

I'm pissed because I knew this was going to happen, I was stressing about it and I was right. It sucks to be right. No one out there to help me but they will expect me to help them when they need it. Because I always do. Funny how that works. I help everyone and hardly any one helps me. There are a few people I can count on. Not today though, today I'm starving (also known as irrational and cranky) and getting little love from the people I call pals. I did get a little chat on with my new buddy, so I'm a little less cranky - but she's at work and can not assist in my burning desire for greasy fast food that can't be delivered.

Add to that the fact the cat keeps coming around and trying to battle it out with my foot for domination of my desk chair. Watch kitty get thrown out of the room folks. Funny how he keeps coming back. I can't take the bandages off until tomorrow and they are squishy now and I'm worried I'm going to pull the stitches and all. I'm kinda wondering if squishy doesn't add to my unease with the stitches, These are the dissolving kind and I'm kinda freaked out that I could be losing them to the squishy. In the mean time I'm kinda pissed that I can't find a single person to talk to around here, and that not one of my local pals will come to see me or answer their phone. It's nice to know if I ever got really sick I'd be all alone. After all I'm only slightly maimed now and it's a frigging ghost town in friend city.

Now I'm bummed and all I have is fruit and the prospect of getting a shit load of take out to make me smile. Of course it would be better to share it with someone. At this point the take out guy is not safe from bored and lonely recuperating me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:19 PM

09 August 2006

you and me we're in this together now :
Welcome to episod what the fuck of the passive aggressive chronicles. I may have mentuioned I asked Kid M to take me to or pick me up from surgery (less than 24 hours away and I'm freaking!). Iasked him WTF yesterday and he said he'd pick me up but I have to pay for gas, he sees no reason to drive me there though, it's simply too early to get up. So I'm thinking before I go I need to get $$$ so I'm covered regardless of who does or doesn't show up. Hopefully the pay of payday is avaiable at 6 am.

So apparently the thing of the day, for the squirrels my landlords have become, is to go find something to leave stupid messages on the whiteboard about. They threw out my soap dish and are killing my jade tree, but I'll get a white board lashing for having a bath and not closing the shower curtain afterward. I'm thinking if the curtain isn't wet what does it matter if it's open or closed, but the new sport is come flip out on the whiteboard over everything. I got home last night to an 'everyone' message extolling the dangers of mould in the shower curtain when it doesn't dry properly. It has to be wet first, am I wrong? Am I going to get nailed for lint on the dryer after cleaning the lint trap? Stay tuned.

In the mean time I'm so tired and I'm worried because I don't like the idea of being slowed down or unable to help myself and do what I want. It's freaky to me that I could be slowed down to a point where I can't do what I want. I'm so flipping out I almost had a panic attack thinking about it last night. I don't for one minute think that I'm goiugn to get any help from my roommates, as fastidiously as they've been avoiding me since the barbeque Saturday. If I was the kind to hibernate in my room 24/7 I guess I could understand it, however being the kind that likes to be were I can, I don't think for a second I'd spend all day lurking in the basement waiting for the second I can come out and drum up a problem to write on the whiteboard. I'm not even the one who HAD take the psych courses and I know that's seriously fucked up. Clear thinking is not winning the day here at passive aggressive central.

I am, however, ready and set for the lazy life. I think I can make it a day or 2 beofre I'll have to get out of the house. I'm thinking I'll be sitting still less than I should because I'm all about pushing myself. I'll be out trying to get around the 'hood tomorrow I'm sure, because I'll want to order something in and I'll have to go get the money. Why? Because my roommates seem to be making a statement about how we really aren't a great big mostly trying to be happy family and I just don't think I can ask them for any favours, though they have no problem asking them of me. Funny how that goes isn't it?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:19 PM

07 August 2006

we'll inherit the earth but we don't want it :
I got home to find out that it was door planing day while I was gone and not only did no one tell me but apparently traipsing through my room and leaving notes telling me what to do with my own personal stuff is A-OK now. It so didn't rub me the right way. First off since you were home all day and so was I, telling me you're going to be in my room isn't really that hard is it? Second, I can't tell you what to do with your shit so don't presume to tell me what to do with mine. I want 3 hangers on the door and I'll have them, paint be damned. Also I think it's all kinds of stupid to paint the door jamb that no one is really looking at ever, and leave the window sill that looks like it's been ravaged by barbarians unpainted. Ok rant over.

I think there's something in the house that's making white board wars and passive aggressive bullshit all the rage inducing drama one can stand. I stayed up extra late last night and slept fairly well. The whole foot thing is starting to wig me because I don't like hospitals and I don't really relish healing my foot again, but it will make things so much easier and my exercise regime can finally start. Can't do much since I can't stand or walk for long without throwing problems like sore ankles and knees into the mix because I'm unconsciously walking weird to protect my foot. I just want my stride back is all.

I'm planning to go shop a bit now. I'm looking for pants and maybe a few tops. I'm going tomorrow to get food and drawers and Wednesday will be all quiet and probably fear leading up to Thursday morning where I get the operation done. Yeeha. Now if only I thought I could count on the kids here for help, as much as I can count on them to do things to make me not trust them.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:09 PM

06 August 2006

i'll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind :
Sometimes you find an ally. In an ally you find a mirror and somehow what you see reflected back isn't the best and brightest of yourself. Somehow it's a twisted form of bitterness that you hear and see and recognise as your real problem. Once you have that knowledge what are you supposed to do with it? What are you supposed to take away from it besides the fact you have a pavolvian response to a negative stimuli that brings out your inner bigot?

I've moved into a bigger room, it feels kind of like a cave and I'm liking it because Kid E moved out and Kid M is camping so I'm the only one here. As the only one here I can do what I want. I can do what ever I like for now cuz Kid M will be back tonight I'm sure. I'm being assured he is moving out, and all the rooms are rented and I can't stay in the room I'm in now as I said I wanted the bigger room and now I have to take it. It's not the money thing so much that's bugging me but the fact that I said I wanted to think about it and in the meantime my fate was sealed and no one asked and no one even bothered to tell me what was going on at all. In point of fact no one knows right now what Kid M is doing, where he's going or when. So I could be here in this room when the other person shows up to move into it. My worst fear really because it's too much traffic and Thursday I get that foot incision.

In the mean time I want to take a lot of the stuff from this room, some of it not mine, to the next room. Of course it's going to leave the next person with less stuff. Kid N and J say they don't know how or where the new girl is going to get furniture. Her dad has a furniture company, so maybe I can get a deal on the bed but I don't know her yet or anything about her. I think the landlords are kind of worried about her being black. I don't think they're racist, but they aren't adventurous and worry that someone too far removed from their culture will be hard to live with. They're afraid of having someone cooking odd food in their kitchen, ultimately all the woes in this house boil down to bad kitchen behaviours. Outside of the whiteboard war being waged over camping tools that is.

I'm kinda thinking I want to not move to that other room. Not just because I'm lazy but because I'm thinking it's all carpted and all small windowed and not that much bigger and why is it 50 bucks more? Kid M doesn't pay fifty bucks more, so how is that fair? I'm just whining. I can totally afford it, but right now I can't see it and I just want the move over with. Since all the kids aren't talking no one has any information to give me and my friends say to just ask Kid M, Thing is he is He of Little Information. I know he's not going to tell me if he's got plans, because he hasn't told anyone who matters to him. This is the same guy, who money hungry as he is, won't pick me up from the hospital because it's got nothing in it for him.

All I really know is I'm tired from moving two rooms of furniture on Friday. I kinda got light hearted shit for not telling anyone what I was doing, but I don't care. I'm hoping kid M leaves the table they gave him to mod Xboxes on, as I can do puzzles and tarot readings on it. Yeeha. In the mean time the room I'm supposed to take smells like mouldy boy and I don't want to go live in it. That's my real problem I think, it's that the room smells like dead feet or moudly boy. Something strong enough to have me smell it and to make me want to puke. I think that's part of his evil plan though, to totally disgust whoever gets that room next.

Oh yea and I get the final divorce papers as of the 17th. I'm going to party and have a cake because I'm free and clear and I can win the lottery now without sharing anything with him. I'm so happy about that. I'm kinda random I know and I'm kinda absent, but I'm trying to get back here with something to say, y'know? Onto the previously absent top ten.

10) hate me - blue october
9) split screen sadness - john mayer
8) atomic - blondie
7) warmer climate - snow patrol
6) king of new orleans - better than ezra
5) don't leave me - blackstreet
4) put your arms around me - texas
3) it's a sin - the pet shop boys
2) laid - james
1) give back the love - the philosopher kings


i would never give back the love, you gave me
i would never undo the past, that made me
even when the memories hurt
it woud only make me feel worse
if i were to give back the love, you gave me

you were never more than fifteen minutes away from me
growing up on the very same street never you without me
i was there when you crashed and you burned and cutoff your hair
it was me that helped you find your way back from nowhere ohhhh
time flies and wipes away all my regrets
so young how could we know what we have but now that i know
i woun't forget nooo

so i would never give back the love, you gave me
i would never undo the past, that made me
even when the memories hurt
it woud only make me feel worse
if i were to give back the love, you gave me

always say it like you say something no one else could see
there were nights when you burnt so bright i thought that you would blind me
i was there when you cried through the night and you let your guard down
i was there when you steped off track and started running around ohhh
time flies and wipes away is a regret
so young how could we know what we had but now that i know
i won't won't forget ohhh

i would never give back the love, you gave me
i would never undo the past, that made me
even when the memories hurt
it woud only make me feel worse
if i were to give back the love, you gave me

when your promise was boken
thats when your love was stolen
from me
i'm on my knees
all i have laft to trust, your memories

i would never give back the love, you gave me
i would never undo the past, that made me
even when the memories hurt
it woud only make me feel worse
if i were to give back the love, you gave me

i would never give back the love, you gave me
i would never undo the past, that made me
even when the memories hurt
it woud only make me feel worse
if i were to give back the love, you gave me

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:12 PM

03 August 2006

now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be :
I just realized you can't get to my archives.  Oops.  I don't know if anyone has been actively looking for them but still, it makes everything a lot easier to figure out if you can look back to previous references.  You need to see the previous instances of spotty insanity, it's only fair that you can see if I'm always like this.  And yea, I am.
Kid E moved out ant Kid N and J steam cleaned the carpet in his room and then closed the windows.  It was the cooles night in a long time  and his window was closed and the carpet was wet and there was not a single fan on.  It made no sense to me.  I didn't do anything about it, like open the window because I'm keeping my head down in the severly tense household that is currently acting like nothing was ever said to me about getting a bigger room.
I think I'm going to have to take the smaller room.  I think so because of the whole payage of rent and the avoidance of talk thing going on.  I can't get Kid N to answer my questions and Kid E, before he left filled me in on his take on things which was -> Kid M is selfish and always gets what he wants so he'll probably worm his way back in.  Apparently everyone knows way more than I do.  It doesn't surprise me much, I'm still the outsider less cool older chick.  Plus I'm like vampire girl living my life mostly in the after 10 am hours, when they all are living a mostly starts at 8 am thing.  We so don't have a lot of time or opportunity to make friends.  I don't make many friends living the massively fluctuating all work and no play life I am.  Fact.
Of course the most appealing thing I have found is a maid service job.  Pays better has steady hours and I don't know if I want to be a maid.  I mean really.  I'm not a supre clean freak or anything, however it is a job I can do with set hours and days off.  Thing is the pay isn't guaranteed and the hours aren't either.  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I'm pretty sure this isn't it and the sad sad fact is I have no options except laterally moving to another crap job I can do competently but not truly enjoy.  I shoulda been a fry cook.  I used to love waitressing and working in the kitchens.  Maybe I coulda been a chef, but I think I'm late to all those parties now.  Too old and black listed from further education unless I marry rich or win the lottery.
I get to be officially divorced in the middle of August.  18 August I am free nd cler and certified not married to the EX.  Funnily enough that is a day after the Super Ex starts in town and I kinda want to go.  I don't know how I'm going to afford it to go and play all the games cuz I'm a sucker always trying to win a bigger and better toy. 
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:17 PM

01 August 2006

in those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer :
I'm like 5 seconds away from keeling over from heat exhaustion. I swear. Any hotter out and they'd have to rename earth toaster over central. It's a little fucking ridiculous. 45 degrees with the humidity and I feel so disgusting I can't even begin to explain it. Work has a/c but it's kinda on the fritz so it's not so wowza enjoyable anyway.

On the passive aggressive homefront I know for certain that I will be paying more for Kid M's room, if I get it, then he does. I also know he doesn't seem to be going anywhere at all. Since he paid rent for this month I have to say he's not leaving by next month. The whole living on lasts months rent is not going to escape someone like Kid M. Infact I think he'd try to get away without paying for rent even if he didn't pay first and lasts, but my impression of him is tainted by hisbad behaviour and the things I am told by others. I'd say he isn't the best person I've ever run across. Still not the worst by far.

It's pretty sucky all this heat. There was an awesome storm last night with lots of rain and lightening and it went on for hours and today is worse than yesterday. It's all eww and sweaty and nasty and no one wants to be in this house, where it's more like 50 degrees. The upside is I don't eat much in this weather and so I'm on a weather related diet and it's working for me in a good way. Now to keep it up after regular, I don't feel so pukey weather returns.

So I am still here, still working on those deep thoughts and a brand new me. I'll keep you posted at uneven intervals. Until then keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:46 PM

MenTal fUrbAll