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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

27 September 2006

i know it's late i know you're weary :
I've been running around and playing with my friends. I haven't spent a 'weekend' off hanging with the homies in a while so I did. It was cool cuz we did interesting stuff, but didn't saty so long anyone was bored stiff (to my knowledge). I washed my hair and a lot of the colour came out. Don't know what I expected really. Oh and DON'T eat at the Kelsey's by the Elmvale Mall. The food there will make you regret it, the staff too.

I'm home kinda early. Goint ot drink some Jack and Pepsi Lime and chill it like I can. Gotta make it til the 3 am, so this should be interesting. Really. Drinking makes me tired and I'm 2 maragritas in.

In the mean time I still have a huge crush on Mark Harmon. He rocks the white hair and I have to give proprs to Ted Danson for going the white way too, at least he's not fighting it too hard. Of course he's still wearing the toupee but so does Sean Connery right? I hope Gibbs comes back to NCIS.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:44 PM

24 September 2006

don't say things that don't exist :
I've finally gotten aroung to switching to blogger beta. I have a gmail account and I'm good to go. Am I kinda worried that Google is kinda becoming the big brother of the internet? Kinda. They have a lot of control over a lot of information, but so does the government and I haven't started fighting (too hard) against them. You gotta trust yourself and hope a lot with somethings.

On the homefront I'm being the graceless age and not flipping out overy the heresay of my 'thieving' ways. People are telling me to get all up in there and make a sdtink, but having live in Passive Agressiva before I know that way lies madness. Why? Because the fidiots will always be able to justify themselves and then you're the unreasonable one and it makes probalems for other people. In the end it's not worth it. Let them think they got away with it, everyone else knows the truth. I know the truth about everything and in the end I have good karma for not sinking to their level and basically making the war they've been conspiring to induce.

In the mean time I'm thinking of the niceness og living alone. I kinda want my own place because it's mine. No bullshit hassles or idiocy to worry over or avoid. No qwo faced bullshit kindergarten antics. Unless I develope full on MPD or something like that, I won't have issues. Of course the whole Mirand from Sex and the CIty scene where she nearly chokes to death on her chinese food and only the cat is there immediatelty springs to mind. I don't like being too alone, and left to my own devices in my own space I can be massively less than social. It's so easy to shut down and curl up inside yourself. I did it well before moving here and I didn't mind the added people for the social value, but there's so little of that really.

I have the best social network at work and then at home I have a bunch of people I barely see who seem hell bent on thinking the worst of everything and making no appologies for bad behaviour. It's night an day really and it's weird. Because I thought we were doing fine and getting along and that there were no issues and bang there are issues galore. I may need to move to a cave somewhere. My biggest impetus not to move is the hassle of not having credit and knowing that getting someone to co sign on an apartment is going to be fucking annoying. We all know I can't rely on my family and I don't think I have many good friends that can help with that. We'll have to see what's waht and how's how at a later date. I'll stick it out a bit more and figure if I can bypass the shit and renegade the way I like to get through the fuss and muss and make it all work. It's an elaborate juggling act where I take all I want and try to make it go togethere and move as necessary and work for me. It falls apart sometimes but I'e really exceptionally lucky. I know I am.

So in the mean time the top 10:

10) just like a pill - pink
9) how to save a life - the fray
8) it doesn't really matter - platinum blonde
7) it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol
6) the ending of a story - the neverending white lights
5) angels - the tea party
4) in repair - john mayer
3) and love said no - him
2) deeper and deeper - the fixx
1) into the fire - 13 senses

Into The Fire

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and sense dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim
and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim


Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Come on, come on

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:11 PM

22 September 2006

you will go looking to blame somebody :
I got bored. I dyed my hair vampire red to make things moreinteresting. Hot work guy is so talking to me again and I love it. Cuz he's hot, and he talks to me like he's into me. Peole have noticed. People who aren't me. I am loving it. The hair colour went to vote with most people liking the vampire red in my hair better than the infra red. So I went for it. Texas says it looks pink. I'll have to live with that for 10-12 washings.

In lieu of complaining endlessly about homebased stupidity I've decided to complain endlessly about tv. I love Grey's Anatomy. I was so excited it came back last night and even though I missed a few minutes on time shift because of a customer I did watch it on CTV. And I was confused. I was so thinking I missed something. Because I am such a fan I taped the ABC version that was on at 9. I watched that today. Turns out I did miss something. An entire episode.

On ABC it was the Grey's mash up of all last years' dramatic highlights at 8, then the first episode of this season. On CTV there was the second episode of this season at 8 local time and then CSI's premiere. So I saw episode 2 then episode 1 of Grey's. I kow why I felt so lost now. I know why it seemed so odd to me to feel behind a joke last night. I read the Grey's blog which promised that the show would pick up where it left off and I so knew that wasn't happening. Now I know why. Did they show the wrong episode on time shift? Did they show 2 episodes? Did they start the season last week and I missed it in their time zone? I'm not sure, but I'm now caught up.

I've had some Jack Daniels and I'm down with the quality time with new and old friends, no matter how strained relations have been. Why? Because hot guy knows my name and talks to me by email now? Maybe. Maybe I just don't want to waste my energy trying to figure this bullshit out anymore. Everyone has issues, I just wish they'd stop trying to make them mine.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:35 PM

20 September 2006

i'm a bitch :
I hate my landlords today. They seem to think the way to my heart is to accuse me of stealing without actually putting my name on the accusation. Since (to steal blatantly from Grey's Anatomy) there is a land called passive aggresiva and I fucking rent a room in it, I came home to another bullshit note. Right now the Kids are playing the olds against the news. So even though Kid N and J have nothing good to say about Kid M, they're the bestest friends and pulling kindergarten bullshit.

The jist of the notes was even though we don't mind supplying paper towels and napkins for the house, these items are purely decoratory and should not be used or you get a note telling you not to be wasteful. The other note is the one I took personally. See I buy my own toilet paper. Partly because I got tired of the game of 'let's use all the tp and not replace the roll' Kid M and E played. Also because I was sick of the cheapest shit they could buy being all there was. 1 ply, 2 ply, sandpaper, scented, unscented. I'm not that picky but I had to draw the line when it started taking it's toll. The second note said taking the tp from the bathroom is stealing. I hope they feel like the asshats I think they are now, for accusing me of stealing my own fucking toilet paper. I really hate people that can't ask questions but have no problem jumping to conclusions and generally making life a living hell.

In a word 3 out of 4 people in the house officially became Assholes last night. That leaves Texas, who up til last night had only heard about the notes. He was saddened and thought it was funny how they will put that shit on the board and then avoid you. Apparently he's also been told that the large cupboard in my room, the one I asked repeatedly if they wanted me to move into his room before he even got here, is his to put his stuff away. Apparently they are deeply offended that he hasn't unpacked and still has boxes in his room today. So offended that they are willing to have me take all my things out of the cupboard I was told belongs in this room, so that he can have it. This has been told to him twice. I have not been asked/told a thing. Nice. I am not above thinking I'll just come home and find it moved for him. Apparently they're all about their ideas and fuck everyone else.

Of course it is kind of satisfying when they are so embarrassed of their own behavior that they can't even look at you. But just a little bit.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:07 PM

19 September 2006

we are home now out of our heads out of our minds out of this world out of this time :
It's been weird weather here. Cold and humid and then hot hot hot then cold again. You all know I have a new bed and occassionally it's hard to sleep on it. It's a memory foam bed that somehow doesn't hold you up perfectly all the time. Anyways for some reason my right side aches some times. I haven't had the bed 2 weeks yet so I know I'll get used to it, but all this change isn't making my muscles feel any less pulled out of shape. Ah working myself into something else.

I'm trying to crack my inner maniac. I'm trying to contact the place inside that's fearing success and make it understand that there's nothing to fear. In the meantime it's retaliating by making me uber hungry. Apparently it doesn't believe in open dialogue. I'm doing this in an effort to determine if I have reached that place where losing weight will be successful. Where I won't turn around and make excuses and sabotage myself into a larger clothing size. Cuz I'm kinda tired of this year. I didn't gain a lot of weight because of my foot, but I didn't lose any either. I'm lazy about exercising. I now have somewhere to exercise but I haven't started.

I can get around better on my foot now so I know I should make a go of the getting back into shape. Of course in the mean time I've gotten lazy. I want to spend my post work time doing nothing and my pre work time doing pretty much nothing too. This whole switching start times has been annoying and I get thrown back next week. I start 3 hours later thatn this week or the week before. I'm making my way back to the deep end of the evening shift and I'm slowly making up my mind to get off my ass and do something more interesting than sit on my ass :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:39 PM

17 September 2006

it's been five long years and i love you just the same :
There's a lot of talking on the internet these days of being found out. People want to blog, and they want to be semi or fully ananymouse so that they can say what they want and not offend anyone they know who may stumble across their patch of self expression. I think of my blog as a venting space. It's not where the happy happy joy joy stuff comes to live, because that I can hold onto and enjoy. It tends to be ore where the crap and corruption that spins my way or that I fall into is put on display. Because I have to let it go, there has to be somewhere to get rid of this stuff, right?

I don't have to worry about tmy family readig this as they know about it and just can't be bothered to read it. Some friends are similarily inclined. Other friends read it and I think a bit about what they may think before I throw something up here, but in the end this really doesn't contain anything I wouldn't say in public anyways. I'm like that y'all.

Recently my blog link got banned at work, which means they have gotten the idea that the link belongs to someone there. Do they know it's me per se? I don't know. I wonder if I should move addresses or take all my identifying pics diwna dn then I think why? I haven't really bad mouthed any thing to the extent where I would be considered a problem or breeder of dissent. I don't name where I work or anyone by name so I think generalities may be my saving grace. Now could my blog come back to bite me in the ass. Hell ya, like verything else it has it's sharp edges. I talk too much and I blog like I talk so there is always a reprocussion for being expressive - no matter the medium. Thing is this is my blog, my forum to say stuff that crosses my addled mind. I appreciate that that's what blogs are and the stuff on them is not always the truest deepest most total expression of who a person is or what they are like in real life. I kinda think my blog's borig, but in the world I'm not that staid. It's all a matter of perspective, but in the end it's just a facet of the person. Everyone has layers.

So onto the top 10

10) hear me out - frou frou
9) song beneath the song - maria taylor
8) edge of the ocen - ivy
7) fools like me - lisa loeb
6) he wasn't - avril lavigne
5) not an addict - k's choice
4) bleed - anna nalick
3) you wouldn't like me - tegan and sara
2) you and your hand - pink
1) kiss me - e-rotic


Kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me

I dreamed of you
In so many lonely nights
With my body and soul
And I know you were
Out there in the city lights
Just out of control

Rap: Hey I walked around and all I found
Was me myself just losing ground
I missed you - But I walked on thin ice
Like a clown in disguise
All the time there was your face
You only you can end the race
Love me - in the heat of the night
Babe I fell like dynamite

Oh baby just kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight

Kiss me tonight
Till you find the secret spot
Up and down and again
Baby lay by my side
And search for the honey pot
I know that you can

Rap: I'm doin' what you want to do
You know the stories about me are true
I'll kiss you - you know I care
Here and there and everywhere
Come closer - let me feel your tongue
It's so good - it can't go wrong
Together we'll climb the hill
Oh what a thrill - if you will

Oh baby just kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight
Kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight

Kiss me - baby I want it I want you to miss me
Baby I need it I need you to kiss me
Baby I love you I love you so much

Kiss me

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:48 AM

15 September 2006

crying in the morning trying to be strong waiting for the spring to turn into the fall :
I don't get people at all. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm a pusher. I can push myself and others really hard. On the other hand I have never in my life decided that I would roll down my car window and yell racial slurs at someone just becaue. Oh yea I was out pushing my numbed foot into shape Wednesday and took a bus at rush hour. Now what happened isn't as horrific as the shootings in Montreal, but it's sad and shamefull none the less. Our bus driver was a uded witha turban, and right there in grid locked traffic some white guy with a bug up his ass decides to roll down the window and let loose with what was the bus driver doing in the country anyways, why didn't go back where he belonged and other things the bus driver wouldn't repeat to the cops loud enough for us passengers to hear.

See we were just stopped to let someone off and in Ottawa a bus has the right of way so I don't know if the cretin was coming out of nearby parking lot and got pissed that the bus didn't wait for him to merge with the immovable traffic lane he wanted into or what. The bus driver stopped the bus and flew out into traffic to get the guy's licence plate and was calling the cops even as he did that. He even talked to the guy who had rolled up then down his window to tell the driver that he wasn't scared of nothing and he couldn't do anything to him anyways. So guy verbally assaults a city worker downtown on a street lined with government workers, in grid locked traffic thinking nothing will happen. Personally I think that the black cars he was driving should havd a big white bigot written on it for 2 weeks as punishment. That's just me. Racist would do to. Apparently this guy doesn't care who knows it, so let's tell the world.

Other than that I've been smiling at guys oin datingh sites in an effort to meet someone interesting and worthwhile and of course no one smiles back. Infact to be honest finding a guy that is smiling and looks comfortable with it is hard. C'mon dudes. Try a little.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:17 AM

12 September 2006

the truth about cats and dogs :
I don't claim to be able to get to know people, or to know anything about them really. I'm a great watcher of people and as such, I've become good at guessing what people will do in any given situation. It's about the only valuable thing I learned to do growing up. That and lip read.

I've been wondering a lot lately about my family, since the hostage negotiations started over the stuff they volunteered to keep for me. I should have known better thatn to think my remaining family wouldn't turn right around and usr their act of kindness against me. As much dysfunction as I have lived through with them I should KNOW that they are just terrorists looking for an excuse to attack.

ter‧ror‧ism  /ˈtɛrəˌrɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ter-uh-riz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government.

Unfortunately for me I have a stubbornly persistant streak of seeing the good in people and believeing that my family has finally turned around and is going to be nice, honourable and kind is a fanatasy I can't stop falling in love with. It bites me in the ass everytime. I should have KNOWN better, it took a little longer this time (maybe because they're getting old) but they up and leveraged my stuff against me. I've come to the conclusion that I must cease this deliberate act of self punishment and just forget I have a family. Then it won't hurt when they don't bother to call me on my birthday or christmas. It won't bother me when I don't get asked to a family gathering like thanksgiving, only to be told how great it was and what a bitch I am for not replying to the invitation I never got. I won't feel so worhtless when I'm told I'm only invited to visit if I bring presents. It saves me a lot of money not investing too heavily in the dream I suffered through for so long in my 20's -> the dream of a happy, loving and understanding family. I totally was disabused of that dream via my EX and his family. I know part of my willingness to get married was to belong to what seemed to be a nice, caring family. I've always wanted that. I'm finally willing to give it up.

I can blame my dad for this, as his way was to punish, brutalise and beat whatever he wanted out of you. My sister learned that lesson too well and clings to threats, intimidation and violence as her favoured toys. My mother, always the victim, is living in a symbiotic state of coercive malaise with my sister. The two of them bring out the worst in each other and in me. If I have one true fear it's to be like them. I know that parts of their defeated and vicious psyche lie deep within me. You can't live with the losers so long and not learn the mantra. I stopped living it but I still know the walk, the talk and the nightmares it brings. My family, what's left of it now that Dad's dead over over 18 years now, is a joke. I often feel guilt for wishing that they would just forget about me and I long to tell people I'm an orphan. I have tried over the years to reach a peace with in myself and forgive the shit I've done and do that is hurtful, disrespectful and mean to myself and others. I know I learned to a live that life at home that was a dog eat dog competition to get the other person beaten down, locked up or humiliated.

It was a constant battle field, where you ally was your next best enemy. I've played that dynamic out so many time in my life and I finally can't stand to see it anymore. If it even seems something is going that way I go. I can evilly amuse myself at someone else's expense because I know how to push buttons and hit the sore spot, but that's not the person I am. I'm not about Anything to save yourself. Anything to lose the fear of reprisal and retaliation. Every interaction my family ever had was marred by some fight, some fit of escalation. Ours was an endurance trial of hate and loathing and when I see them it's all there again. It's the best teleportation device I am aware of. My family still has this instant ability to make me feel like I'm losing the battle and I become willing to die rather than endure the constant rhetoric of bull shit and cracked thinking that exists in the time warped vacuum my mom and sister inhabit.

I can't say that I've gotten rid of the sickness that all this suspicion and distrust bred into me. I probably will forever have that festering inside and taking me down like a lion does a slow gazelle, every time I spend time with them. Thing is I know about it, I recognise it. I can see it and control it. I have worked to make it less of totality of my life, less of a cycle, erased the soundtrack that it plays in my head. I can't say my family has tried, or even care to. If you talk to my family they seem nice and normal, but as with everything it's the familiarity breeds contempt thing that makes them hard to take. They are almost totally isolated. They share a common delusion -> that life should just give them what they want.

I've said before that I used to be very type A. I am an achiever, a doer. I accomplish things. My family will tell you I am a quitter, a failure and a loser. It's what they say to me constantly. The thing that I just realised today is that my family, as much as they seem to despise me and wish me harm -> want me to succeed. They want me to go out there and make it big. It's not that they believe in me or have any faith in my abilities, it's so that they can live off of me. They feel that they should have so much more than they do, they have a gigantic sense of entitlement, and I am constantly enlisted to help pay for these things they want. Why? Because I am the only one of them who has ever held a steady job. I'm the only high school, college and university graduate in my family (I'm not including the extended we don't even know\talk to them family). I'm the only one making any money, so I'm the Bill Gates of us. As far as they are concerned I'm also selfish and evil because I don't share my money with them.

Having lived with them, and recently enough too, I know that they need money because they don't budget. They buy frivolous stuff that is hardly used and then don't pay bills because of it. My sister bullies my mother and then my mother whines about it and bullies my sister. After a while they get sick of each other and decide to try to bully me. I really like not living anywhere near them because I don't have to constantly hear about their demented drama. I can see both sides and I can work the middle like no one's business. However, all in all, my family has only really brought me pain, sorrow and taught me the worst kind of person to be. I know I'll never be disowned as long as I have the potential to make money. If I ever make a lot of money or win the lottery I'm sure they'll be all loving me till the bank is dry, or suing me because I won't share. What a great lot of relations.

I've been thinking of dying my hair black ever since a girl at work came in with black hair. I'm dying to be goth for Christmas I guess. I had a fucked up dream last night where I was living here, but not here and I had personal hair and clothing people. They were trying to dress me for a tv appearance and dye my hair. My hair came out a deep rich hot red and the outfit was all black. I was hot, but I still don't know what I was 'doing' that warranted all the fuss and tv coverage. Maybe I'll go dark red, as a compromise on the needing a hair change.

Keep bloggign :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:17 PM

11 September 2006

if you were to ask me questions you don't really want to know :
I was pretty pissed off last night and some good part of today too. I got the new bad and I told my roomiws I had a line on someone coming to get the mattress Monday so Saturday afternoon they up and stick the whole kit and kaboodle in the back/front yard. Oh how I love being listened to. I ended up having to haul the damn thing all the way back to my room because the person who wasn't even asked to take it away was too lazy to put it back. Fuckers.

Then my pissant sister emails me at tell me that I am offically getting my stuff, that they have been storig for me, has not only been put in storage and they want me to foot the entire bill for that now (the price has changed 3 times) but since I haven't sent a dime for the storage (that I never asked for or agreed to -> because they can't decide on a price) thye're going to sell my stuff to pay for the locker. I wrote her back and told her I'd sue her if she did it. Fucker.

In the mean time I have those bed pictures and I'm kinda wishing I was richer and more inclined to have a man with a car at my disposal, I'd get my stuff and keep it somewhere better thatn with my family. Apparently my family sucks rocks.

This is the bed. 8 inches of foam mattress with a weird zippered covering. The side you see there iunder the sheet is a suede type covering, the side you don't see is facing the boxspring and is a thick clear plastic. Weird. But really comfortable. Of course for the 2 odd years I've been sleeping in a single bed I've grown so accustomed to it that this bed seems so huge when I'm lying alone in it. If I'm really luck y I'll have 50 bucks coming my way for the ikea mattress. It's tin the back groud there, the grey wall behind the bed. Why? Because my roommates are so anal a mattress can't sit in the hall a couple of days, Someone at work knows someone who will porbably want it. I've been waiting to send that to the ingrates I've got ransoming my stuff. I don't care about a lot of the things so much as the records and tapes. I'd rather kill then lose that stuff. Like I'm going to be able to replace all that vinyl and turn tables.

Right now I'm hoping I can find someone who will be nice and take me there so I can get the stuff from them and then someone else who will let me store it who won't be a dick and ransom it. Thing is I know my family. It's probably already gone and the ransom is just BS. They're like that y'all.

Mental Playlist

10) funk souyl brother - fatboy slim
9) surrounded - chantal kreviazuk
8) fly away from here - aerosmith
7) it doesn't really matter - platinum blonde
6) it's in your eayes- kylie minogue
5) boys of summer - don henley
4) sugar sugar - aaron carter
3) girl from mars - ash
2) the ship song - nick cave
1) running up that hill - kate bush

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:26 AM

06 September 2006

curiosity kitten doesn't have to mean you're on your own :
I can't say I've been thinking deep thoughts. Time these days revolves for me around the ominous shooting foot pain I now have, the mounting joy of my new new bed and the chore of working to be awake while at work. Surprisingly enough I mostly like my job, the hours work for me and the people are coolio. I called the Dr's to make an appointment and was told December WON'T happen, but I can call back in a few weeks when her new appointment book (witch seceratary that is) comes and then she can decide if I can do this in January. Uggh. Can this get worse? Really I'm thinking if I meditate hard could I make the source of irritation just pop out of my foot, like a zit expells it's load?

Rockstar is my new must see. I did take a trip with Dr Who and it was the killer game show eposdie. Not bad but I don't know if I'm dying to watch it regualrily. Anyways I'm sure some may have heard the rumour that Lukas is going to win Rockstar. I don't like Lukas because I like to be able to understand my singer and I think he suffers from mumbleitis. I think the rest of the group would want him only if they think having a fug singer ensures them a good batch of groupies. Dilana seems to have fatally wounded herself with unneeded cattiness towards her housemates and is slowly dying from the festering self loathing it wrought. I still love her voice but she seems to have given up and Storm is taking full advantage of that. I can't say I liked Storm before, infact I don't remember much of anything she did before she rocked Evanessence. Yes Toby really kicked it on that one but I think Gilby has his head up his ass on her abilities. Mind you I'd never heard of him before RockStar either.

I think the whole Magni 'sounded the same' on his tracks last night was lame. Really you fault a guy for givving it all to both tracks, not dialing it down for the first and giving it all for the second? Whatever. Toby is finally really out of his shell and owning the stage. So Lukas - he brings nothing new for me to find interesting. They were actually counting how many times he sang the chorus and hook. Wow, is that complimentary? Also why did we see everyone but Magni get feed back on the songwriting? I think Gilby's kind of close minded if he feels that all songs have to be metaphorical not literal. I think the real lack of imagination is if they can't see songs are good either way or mixed together in a literal metaphor.

Ok I'm done now. The weather's being weird and wacky, it's so cool and grey but the rain isn't visiting. Even so there are all these people at work feeling so down that there is no sun and not appreciating the fine cool weather that we have. I'm not a total summer person, this one was ok because the heatwaves were small and not that hard to live through, not like some of the other summers where I really wanted to die. I'll miss the shorts and sandals because I don't really love shoes, I'm more of a light footwear person -> but I love the cool weather. I love it with a passion that never fades. I am so happy that there is no chace of 100 degrees right now that I'd be actively bummed if we chinooked and got an Indian summer heat wave. It's really beacause I think sweating should be reserverd fro times of great exertion alone. Walking across the street, in general though not lately, is not the greateset exertion I have ever experienced, so I really dislike breaking into a sweat because I'm moving at a snails pace going anywhere.

I'm giong to charge my camera batteries so I can regale y'all with photos of the new new bed. You saw the beas I have so you may as well get a load of how things change. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:13 PM

04 September 2006

am i just paranoid or am i just :
The funny thing about long weekends when you work every one of them for a while (say years) is that the concept of holiday and joy joy goodness is lost. I get tomorrow off and I'm planning on doing laundry and pre shifting my room for the coming of the bed friday. I'm really excited about the bed, more excited every day. It's been years since I had a decent bed I liked. I can sleep anywhere but it's going to be nice to sleep somewhere I want to sleep for a change.

A friend at work has given me the bug to join this weight loss program. The catch is that it cost 3 grand and it's not covered by OHIP, even though it's Dr recommended and all. It's step one on the road to gastric bypass. I have been thinking about that because no matter how much I change my diet and exercise I haven't had much luck over the years losing enough weight to take me out of the risk factor end of the fat pool. I don't have any health issues yet. It's a yet I'm not longing to see come to visit. That and my foot are majorly bumming me out. I don't know how I'd get the 3 grand by January, let's face it I suck at saving money and I don't think I can take it out of my locked in RRSP either. At least not according to the wee amount of information I could find on it. It was an idea, but I may have to admit defeat because unlike Tony Pierce, I'm not sure that asking my 69 readers for 20 bucks to make the dream a reality would be a good idea. Not that y'all wouldn't help me - just that I'd feel guilty owing everyone 20 bucks. What if I fail? Umm it's so possible. It's also not enough to get into the program with, and I hate to say it but 1620 is a number I can't cough up in the next 3 months either. Well I'm coming around to this working out idea again. Props for that.

It's too bad I can't just win the lottery or get adopted as Oprah's next project makeover. I'm going to buy a lottery ticket and I may write Oprah, again. I don't think O likes Canadians. It's just me I know. I keep wondering, everytime I go to the lottery stand to get bus tickets, or just walk by it on the way to work --> how many people out there are playing the hatch numbers from Lost? Come on you know people are. I wonder in passing if I played then would I win a cursed fortune? I'm not exactly Hurley, but stranger things have happened.

Mental Playlist :

10) until it sleeps - metallica
9) weapon - matthew good
8) going under - evanessence
7) passive - a perfect circle
6) c'mon, c'mon - the von bondies
5) murder of crows - the counting crows
4) my friend - basement jaxx
3) out of my head - mobile
2) move along - the all american rejects
1) for you - staind

"For You"

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:15 PM

01 September 2006

do we have to wait 'till our worlds collide :
I saw my Dr today. Rather I saw my plastic surgeon. He wasn't happy to find out that he hadn't gotten it all. The lump in my foot is being officially referred to as the residual puffiness of a healing reaction. He was quite upset that I wasn't pleased and willing to let it go. He says I can have the thing take out in now more then 3 months or I can wait longer (because he's in no hurry). I swear he was seconds away from crying and stamping his feet when I told him I was SURE I wanted to go through all of the shots and swelling and limping again. He HATES feet. They disgust him. He was so totally convinced he would never have to touch mine again.

OOPS --> In the mean time fate decided another round of soule sushi was needed.

Well I didn't help much when I told the drama queen the scar ws worse this time. It is worse, way more holes and skin peeling off but I think it's healing better than the first cut did, not because it's shorter or anything but becuase it was tended to much better by the good DR. I feel like I should send him a bottle of whiskey, that's how horrified he looked when I said we'd have to do it again. I do totally understand that there's no conceivable way he could have reched the lump that plagues me from the incision he made. He kept telling me it's not like he didn't remove anything from where he made the cut. I know that he did, I freaking saw it -> But the triuth is he didn't listen to me when I said this is where it's bugging me, he just decided that reopening the old wound was the way to go and fix my bitching.

Err nope. This time I want the right thing excised. I told hime I don't care how he cuts it open, diagonally, horizontaly, if he cuts a cross in it to exorcise the demon foot -> whatever it takes. He's all like I never promised your foot would be ok or even better. I'm like I never said it wasn't better, because what he did fix is fluffy bunnies fine 3 weeks later but the other part is worse because it's a lump alone now. He looked at me and said I was doing fine for 6 weeks out. I'm glad that he's forgotten when he did the surgery, what with the chart in front of him and all. It's been 3 weeks exactly. He was so upset he tried to tell me I developed plantar fasciitis. Um, no, that lump's been there since my original act of stupidity. I do blame myself and I know my foot may never be 100 percent again but I'd like to at least be on speking terms with what's left of it. Plus my mom has heel spurs and this is not the same thing even remotely.

In 3 months, December, I can have myslef hobbled again. I'm not sure if I'm wanting to get this the hell over with ASAP or when I'm less likely to get killed on the ice of winter arounde here. If I hold out to March or April I'll be a year and almost a half with this shit keeping me from having fun. If I go for it in December it's just a year and a month. At least he was nice enough to tell me I could choose the date and such, he just wants to get it the hell over with -> Like me. At least we agree on that. In the mean time I have to stress about how this is going to go. Can I get time of in December? Wouldn't January be better - but how likely is it that I can get 2 weeks off and not have to leave the house at all? Do I wait til Spring or just give up and settle into life as a tiresome gimp who can't walk anywhere that take more than 20 minutes to get to without feeling the burn/pain? I'm so petitioning Dr Scholls for steel reinforced insoles.

Anyy ideas? Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:31 PM

MenTal fUrbAll