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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

31 March 2006

a butterfly train never ends never ends :
I'm in the last of the midweek days before the final roll to the weekend I have scheduled. I get Monday and Tuesday off - which means I can go see Ice Age 2 at the matinee really cheap :) My married friends asked me to go tomorrow but I'm working so I can't. Well maybe if we went really early in the day, but no one wants to get up that early on their days off.

I'm having weird narrative dreams these days, where literally there's a guy telling you waht the person is thinking and their backstory as to explain the actions and conversations going on. It's weird, and I always lose the narration and the visuals at the same time because they are so intertwined. If I can't recall the words I don't remember what was happening. Weird I know. I need to take notes. Wonder if there's some way to become a sleep writer.

The waether is beautiful these days. I can sleep with the window open again and so I'm not burning up in the middle of the night. I've always been the kind that gets very hot when I sleep. I think the machines in the Matrix would love me, I'd be like a Lion battery instead of a coppertop :)

I still get my vacation the second week of April, and to be nice they gave me an extra day off. So all in all I get 5 days off, I work the weekends but have a whole work week to do what I want. It really is making me smile. I'm so looking forward to it.

In other news, I found out I hurt this guys' feelings at work. I really just want to get people off the phone but sometimes the call goes long. When that happens they send someone to bug you about what's taking so long. They never show up when you actually need help, only when you don't. This guy had to come over 3 times last night, and he was like saying how unpleasent it was for him. First I argued with him about his advice - because he's wrong and I know it. Then he had to come back 2 more times, and he couldn't help either time. So I made this guy, who has a more important position than me, feel like an idiot. Without even trying. God I'm good :P

So I'm trying to be more aware of what I'm doing in my unconscious way. Mostly the floor walkers will leave me alone, because I ignore them or they know it's not that I need help. It just bugs me when someone comes along and starts asking what's going on - like I'm lost and have no idea. I really don't take it as a friendly question, because mostly it isn't. Mostly you're getting attitude from the asker. I think it all went wrong that day a walker came and asked me how I was enjoying my 40 minute break. I took his head off, attitude wise. He scampered off. Most have avoided me since. I think I'm actually notorious. I'm hoping this doesn't work against me. Who knows, I could just be making it up.

I'm not planning anything fun fun or fantabulous for my days off or my vacay, but I'm sure something interesting will happen. It always does. I got home last night to be accused of stealing peanut butter. There's this whiteboard in the house where notes and messages are left. Last night it said that whoever (I'm one of 3 potential thieves) is eating the PB might as well finish it off. I told Kid N the PB thief is probably the same one stealing my bread, but I wasn't taking the peanut butter as I totally have my own. I did joke and say if I knew where he was keeping his jam I'd take some of that, but I'd tell him. I'm like that, I borrow but then I tell and replace, usually over much.

To be fair, since I've been not thinking I've been conscious of odd things. Like I always know when some 'I want cyber' freak is chatting me up online now. I also know that there are a few people at work who 'like' me. One of them I feel is totally deranged, but he's not pushing his luck. I'm too mean for that to happen:)

Wish me softness. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:19 AM

30 March 2006

i will meet you in high places :
In an effort to make my life easier I've somehow managed how to turn off all my higher brain functions. It's like I've totally been on autopilot. I haven't been thinking seriously about anything. I just keep singing songs and indulging my fantasy of my perfect life. That keeps all the thinking at bay. All I want to do is get back to non reality. It's easier than thinking about anything else, because all that stuff ends in question marks. In my fantasies I can make everything end however I want.

Ah, to dream.

So I've had this song stuck in my head on total repeat. It's John Mayer, he seems to be my spring/summer/fall soundtrack man. It's excellent that I've gotten back to my regular singing and listening to music ways. I want to say that I sing everywhere from my desk at work to the shower, lying in bed, walking around, on the bus, all over the house. I'm sure people think I'm insane. I don't really care.

I've been promising you poetry and I swear it's coming, as soon as I find some that I want to post here. I haven't been looking really, because I haven't been thinking. I trying that thought for the day thing today, my thought is => get some poetry up. I swear I'll do it soon. I've got this next Mon-Tues of and nothing planned so I'll do it then probably. I make no excuses for my tardiness or laziness, it's just who I am when I'm off, a mucho slacker.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:48 AM

28 March 2006

average everyday sane psycho :

I needed to start my day off with some good looking thoughts. I revistited ghosts of honoured guests past. I like this pic a lot but the next one just makes me laugh.

Think happy thoughts for me on first day back after a solid week of being sick and feeling like crap. Oh I'm not thinking I'm going to kick ass today but I'm trying to to wind myself up into panic mode thinking I can't possibly do myself anything but harm by having been away like this. It's all about your stats and that's how you get to move departments and get the schedule you want. Anyways enough wind up :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:34 AM

27 March 2006

there's a reason strong move slow :
A while back I said I'd get you all the lyrics for Take A Walk on the Mental Playlist. Here they are.

Take A Walk [Live]

time to slip out my back door
sunrise dancing on my wall
heading down off beaten track
trying to get that feeling back
i could take a walk again
up a mountain to a stream
standing on the open rock
looking over the sea
funny when we move ahead
never worry what we leave behind
i could always find some peace
in the back of beyond
kind voice from yesterday
give love fill up every space
but now i laugh at simple truth
sneer and frown like we all do
when the long night awakes
with memories, a midnight feast
feel the boy in me escape
there's a field of frost beneath my feet
run, never tire
run, boy, forever and ever!
i could take a walk again
up a mountain to a stream
standing on the open rock
looking out over the sea
funny when we move ahead
never worry what we leave behind
remember what a friend of mine said
you gotta be kind
take a walk, take a walk
take a walk, take a walk
you gotta be kind
take a walk, take a walk
take a walk, take a walk...

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:29 PM

out on the street today :
I went out for a walk to take back my rented movies and get one of those flamethrower burgers. The burger was ok, enough. But the real thrill was finally feeling like I was better. It's nice to be felling more up to the living of life. Of course there was something out there to put a crimp in all my good breathing and such. For some reason there was a street cleaner out there scaring up a pile of dust like some effect from The Mummy. I know why it was out, I do question having the Mojave desert's sandstorm going on during early rush hour traffic though. I have never understood the thoughts of city government.

Aside from that it was way cool to be out and about and feeling like $10.50. Getting closer to $100 everyday:)

Speaking of $$ I got a weird email from my EX. He says he has a T4 for me. I'm fairly sure it's total BS. He didn't get any for me last year and all of a sudden there are some coming. I haven't used that address in like 3 years, for anything. It's highly unlikely. I'll find out what's up eventually. I always do.

I had an interesting dream. I was dreaming about money. Specifically I was shopping. I was with some man servent/body guard guy, and I was spending $5000 dollar bills. For everything. I actually remember asking the man servent guy if we'd had some sort of inflation that I was using the $5000 bills to pay for everything. He said that I actually liked spending the $5000 and getting the change. I then asked if they even really made $5000 bills. He asked me why that would even matter. I don't remember the rest. I do know I kept shopping. Weird how I got all aware and socially conscious in the middle of my beverly hills dream. I assume that's where it was, but I don't know for certain. It was a boutique with dark blue walls and soft lighting and I think I was buying diamonds. Or a really noisy dog with a diamond collar. It's kind of fuzzy, what I was doing there. I do recall that the shop assistant didn't seem surprised to see my monay, or unhappy to make change for it - but it was going to be all in twenties.

BTW, I left a song out of the Mental Playlist yesterday. Everytime I go out for a walk these days I hear the same refrain from Fascination Street by the Cure. It keeps happening. Wonder what that means?

Keep blogging.

PS - Does anyone know what happened to Jennifer Good's blog? I read at Matt's that he was requsing himself for the influx of insanity was getting to him. Too many personal attacks. I'll miss him.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:06 PM

26 March 2006

you gotta be kind :
Me and my bronchitis are doing fine. Thanks for not asking. The weather is beautiful and I just want to be outside - but I'm so tiring easily. It's a struggle to go anywhere and enjoy it but then if I stay home I feel awful and lazy and I'm so conflicted but I know I need to heal. I have my antibiotics and last night I watched the Frighteners. I love that movie. I think it's because it's the first time I saw Dee Wallace-Stone as a psycho. I was so used to her in moveis as the cute hard done by long suffering whatever. She really does the psycho thing well. It's a fun movie.

Today I'm thinking of going out to get a few movies because it's a short walk from here and then I'd have gone out and done something. Insted of stayed in and played Doom. Instead of sat around and wished I was at top speed and feeling ready for the world. Most of the time all I feel ready for is bed. I'm so sad :) I really do hate being sick :)

So it's time for the Mental Playlist. It goes a little something like this :

10) goodbye to you - scandal
9) come back to bed - john mayer
8) wait - get set go
7) take a walk - neil finn and eddie vedder
6) steal my kisses - ben harper
5) the chauffer - duran duran
4) wish i - jem
3) ani difranco - joyful girl
2) edge of the ocesn - ivy
1) extraordinary - liz phair


You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Oh yea and incase you are wondering Grey's Anatomy is pretty much running my soundtrack lately. Blame it on the early release of season one and that I still get to watch the shows on Sunday and I've been sick so it all sinks in better :) NCIS will be out in June, so then I'll be all sardonic k?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:09 PM

24 March 2006

take my picture off the wall if it won't sing for you :
I have bronchitis and new hatred of 'comprehensive' health benefits. Turns out at my company comprehensive means the more it costs for you to get the less of it we'll cover. So all my really necessary acid reflux and bronchitis meds are covered at a mere 50%. Even my pharmacist was like call and ask what the hell is going on. Apparently I get to blame the idiot who drew up the list of drug classes. If this drug is class blah blah you give us the money, if it's class blah you give half and we give half, if it's - well I was TOLD be the FEEB at the companies call center - AND I mean FEEBLE MINDED DIPSTICK => to call and ask before having my Dr. perscribe anything.

I love my Dr. I think I scare him because he can't figure out why this giant white girl keeps coming back to chinatown to see a Vietnamese practitioner - but he likes me too. He's going to make an appointment about the 'bruise' since he can't figure out wht it's still hard and thick and there. Scarring doesn't cut it for him but he made it my call - so the surgeon can have a go at me for wasting his time if they all decicde I'm a foot hypercondriac and there is NOTHING there causing me pain. He was cool today, gave me a note for all my sick days and I'm sure he'd have made sure to give me cheap drugs if I'd known that my plan was half assed. My Dr did ask me if I smoked when he told me I have brochitis. Do ONLY smokers get bronchitis? I get it like once a year and have most of my life - and I have never smoked.

*Stifling rant* So I'm feeling all played out after just going out and seeing the Dr and walking around the mall for a bit. The real good news is Kid N took the plastic off the windows so I can open them and air out my room!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I'm almost feeling like 30 cents :)

So I begin my 4 days off in a row - tha actual I scheduled them that way days, not the ever so draining and scary (previews of feeble oldness never happy) 3 days of sickness post booked weekend - I'm hoping I don't get this sick again for like 20 more years. By then I'll be able to take whatever time I need to off with no worries. Right now I still worry that I'm making a bad impression. I'm a workaholic so I'm always worried that work will reject me and I'll sink into disgusting slackerhood with boughts of welfare and under the table jobs. It's kinda like a nightmare when I think about it. Why? Because there's nothing wrong with me and I can/am able to do so much more than that. Sure there are people who need the assistance and I'm glad it's there if I need it, but I don't and I don't want to need it anytime soon. I AM a WORKER BEE, EMPLOY ME! My pendantic A type motto.

So I'm going to go off and order in to the surprise of no one. I'm tired and I think I'd set myself and all the stove covers on fire tonight if I tried to cook anything. I'm going Greek tho, I found Greek on Wheels online and I'm going for it :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:02 PM

22 March 2006

that's just the way things used to be :
Since I'm totally sick with a fever and chills and the loss of appetite that is only supposed to come with a flu (I GOT MY FLU SHOT) I'm hiding out at home. I managed to eat one piece of toast so far today, and that isn't loving me much. On the other hand I'm forcing myself to do laundry so that all the virus infected sheets and jammies I wore yesterday will be clean. Other than that I'm tired and light headed and really cheesed off that all these people I met online, who harassed me for my MSN and all , won't even reply to me these days. It'd just be nice to have someone say - sorry you aren't feeling well. Or even, how are you feeling to day. I'm hoping to get better and all, but this really sux since my four day weekend was supposed to start Friday, and being sick really takes all the fun out of the weekend being long.

I guess this is a bitch blog, but other than watching Grey's Anatomy Season One on DVD, I've been doing zip but sleeping and praying that everything will stay inside my body when I put it there. The road to wellville started Monday night with some serious reguritation that had me leaving work early so as to not share the wealth. At least it has beenuneventful in that area, since then. Other then that I really miss having anyone I know who would go out to the store for me and get me some orange juice and fench fries. I just want salty salty, I'm not sure that it would agree with me or not. At least this will kick start the new fangled diet I wanted to start along with the get fit regime I was planning. Mind you I missed my intro class with 2 free weeks membership today. I tried to call but there don't even have a phone number listed.

There's a couple of gyme around ehre I'm going to look into and I'm also going to go to the doctor and have him look at the 'bruise'. It's still there and it's still hard and it still hurts - so I'm pretty sure it's still glass and it still needs to be taken out. I'm kinda thinking now but you know health care - nothing ever happens now.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:27 PM

20 March 2006

you'll laugh, you'll cry :
I went weblog trolling today and this is what I found.






ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:11 AM

19 March 2006

i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by :
Everything these days seems so opaque. I walked out of work the other day and we had such fog that you couldn't dee clearly more than 10 feet in front of yourself. I thought this is pretty much like the world is without my glasses on. All hazy and softly out of focus. I don't think it's really come back into focus yet. Even when the sun is shining and all the things I want to do are getting checked off the list - I still feel like there's this fog. There's something I'm just not seeing, and it's there infront of me. Just slightly out of focus.

I'm kind of bored at work. Never a good sign. I get bad when I get bored. I'm also thinking maybe I want to edge for a really set schedule. I'd have no problem doing Welcome calls - where I work 4pm to midnight and only Monday to Friday. I can do outbound. I can do anything that sets my life in stone. I'm really considering asking for it. I'm really considering it because I desperately need some structure. I can reworlk my life on the wacked out flight plan I've been using, I just use it as an excuse to coast. I toast when I coast.

I just got 2 free weeks at Changes for Women. I went to the International WOmen's show and signed up for EVERYTHING. I Also got offered 50 bucks pff some crap microdermabrasion and chemical peels - I think next time I'll read what I sign up for and not just slap my name down. PLAN ahead.

It's Menat PLaylist time and I'm thinking I can definitely pull one out of myself at this time. I spent yesterday hanging with my married friends and eating lots of junk food. I continued the trend this morning and I'll probably roll with it later this afternoon or tonight when I get home. I'm feeling not cookish and I already have the chips and the donuts. So I'll be good come Monday. It's true, I always am after a junk food weekend :) It's nice to have people to hang with, we are planning to do it again next weekend, so we'll see what happens. I'm pretty much living and brething only for my four day weekend. It's going to be interesting to entertain myself for 3 of those day. I'll have laundry and all, but nothing much else planned.


10) in my head - anna nalick
9) total eclipse of the heart - bonnie tyler
8) pump it - balck eyed peas
7) keep me hanging on - kim wilde
6) the grace - neverending white lights featuring dallas green
5) stupid girls - pink
4) poster of a girl - metric
3) 7/4 shoreline - broken social scene
2) for you i will (confidence) - teddy geiger
1) bigger than my body - john mayer

"Bigger Than My Body"

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:37 PM

16 March 2006

for those about to rock :
Because Raj asked, and to my one commentor go the spoils :)

This is the camera I bought.

These are the specs:

Be happy for me.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:19 PM

someday I'll be so damn much more :
Me, my head cold and tonnes of ginseng and echinacea are fine. Thanks for asking. I haven't lost my voice so far, I'm hoping I won't. Just two more days and I have a day to hibernate and sllep it off, hopefully I won't need to do it as I'll have worn the damn thing off on my own. The real plus for me will be getting through cold and flu season realatively unscathed and with just enough if imperious snot monsterness to make me know I dodged a bullet.

I've been having some mundane fun with my Pretender Season 3 and Angel Season 2 box sets. Since it's been reruns almighty around the channels, now that February sweeps are over, it's been good to have something ro fall back on. I'm still waiting for them to get NCIS out there. I'd buy it right away. I'm just that in love with the show. I'm not so much in love with the idea that I'm so boring I can't find any friends to hang with. I know it's temporary and will change when I start geting out more and doing stuff and all. I'm still a kind of home body, but with a bus pass now. It gives me more incentive to get out and do stuff. I also just want to get out and be out. I really love the outdoors.

If only mosquitos didn't love me so.

In my mad rush to be well, I've totally done a 360 from my behaviour of the past couple of weeks. I still want a coconut covered donut. But I'm so not going to go get one. I've been eating less but better, I'm thinking I'll be having a righteous go at this losing weight thing for real. I was sitting on the bus the other day and I realized I'd dreamed about the same thing. I know when I recognise these times, that I'm going to make a life altering decision and it's not always obvious. Because it really is always the little things y'know. And so, in some little way I did something on Tuesday that will change my life forever. I'm not sure what it was but I'm sure I did it. I'm just working with what I do know now, which is I need to be good to myself.

I'm an emotional eater, y'all. I've been a bit emotional lately and less than wonderful to myself. But I had my epiphany and I'm all about the not taking it out on myself anymore. Whether I'm 100 percent sure what it is or why I'm bothered about it. I'm trying to be my own best friend so that I can find some other good friends. Cuz if you've been reading this you'd know I've gone through a few 'friends' in the last couple of months. The bitch who ripped me off and the disappearing 21st friend to name a few. I really have to go out there and find a few good people, and it ain't easy. I spent the better part of yesterday sympathising with co-worker who just had a giant blow up with her two frenemies - who were trying to rip her off.

They were taking her, after offering to do it, to the gym with them. They ran by to pick her up and take her to the gym and then drop her home and go off their own ways. For that, they want her to pay 90 dollars a week. That's almost what I was paying to carpool into Ottawa from Brockville in a week. And they aren't going everyday, and they are saying that the cost includes gas and wear and tear and insurance. She did tha math. Give the kilometers they gave her and the gas milage their car gets it works out to about 24 bucks a week. Ergo the rip off. The had a giant email flame war and I do feel sorry for her, because finding out your 'friends' think you're a clown they can fuck over is never a good thing.

Been there a lot, funny to sit beside someone who makes the same bad choices. Mirror mirror anyone? Yea the Universe has been making it's steely point and I've been paying some attention, this time. Eventually I'm going to get the poetry going on here soon. I need a wee bit of time to get some things downa nd just catch up with myself. I've been so busy getting out there I've not been good to myself in the ways I should. Like actually getting rest and relaxation. I've been going and doing and wearing myself out. Ah the drawbacks of being frenetic.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:04 AM

14 March 2006

the love they gave on borrowed time :
On my day first of a split weekend I'm sickish, with a head cold type malady. I kind of felt it coming on after the Ottawa International Women's Show Saturady. I probably caught half a million things there, because there was a jillion poeple there and everyone rubbing on and bumping into everyone else. The plus side was that I got a lot of free eats, sample sized but still yum, and I did manage to keep myself entertained for hours. In a wild twist of karma, I got into the show free. This lady walked up to me and asked if I was going in, then said her friend had ditched her and plunked down a free coupon for me. Oh the joy!

So I got in free. I got myself a decent supply of soy milk, cuz they were selling things dirt cheap, som of those microwavable campbells soups and some bottled arthurs' smoothies. I ate a lot of yogurt while I was there too. I really liked the Jeunese (I totally spelt this worng I know) and I got some today. I also drank and fell in love with the Smirnoff cosmo and chocolatini pre mixed drinks. I don't know if I can ever convince myself to pay 10 bucks four wee bottles of premade drinks. I'm kinda cheap. And I like to make my own drinks too :)

Anyhoo my day started with a visit to the dentist so I could find out if I can get invisiline braces. Oh my god, the dentist wants 5500 dollars. I just about died. He's telling me about their credit system and blah blah and all. I'm just panicing thinking I can't even afford to thind about getting a car, those ne Yaris's are like 11 grand and he wants me to shell up half that to have straighter teeth and better alignment. Uh, can you say making me laugh? And he was so serious, telling me how I'd have to come in and get all examined and fixed up and all before we do anything like that, because my teeth can't chenge shape while we do the process or the forms won't fit.

After that I went to get breakfast, a feta and spinach croissant and a hot chocolate. Then I went to Walmart to get some cold fx tablets - this girl at work swears they rock. I also got some cold atak tabs too. So now I'm medicating my head cold with ecchinecea, ginseng, orange juice, water and rest. Hopefully it will back the hell off to gone land and I'll be all happy shmappy for the next 3 work days. I plan on resting up my other day off too. Couldn't hurt and I have a lot of food here so I don't need to go out and I can order in too. I'm golden for the next while I guess :)

Speaking of golden, I think that I may be getting a golden opportunity to get a bad crush on a work guy. Not the work guy that said I was gorgeous, this other guy. He's very my type, in that I think he's hot and he's been nice and chatty with me so I know him just enought to think I'd like to know him better. We'll see what happens. There are other players on the field, but they keep not making it into view in real life, and this guy I see almost everyday. Plus he stares at me a little. He does that look awawy thing when I catch him looking. It's kinda cute. But then there's the don't date work people rule. We'll see, cuz if he ever asked I'd say yes.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:57 PM

12 March 2006

melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet love on repeat :
I enjoyed the warm and sunny days we had. It was a nice weekend for me and now I'n for a split up of 2 days on one off, 3 on one off. It'll be nice to be home to watch NCIS, that's all I can say about that. It was a nice change, the break in the weather. Thursday I had to crawl up the lane to the front door, because we had ice rain and it was so slick that I couldn't walk up it. I managed to get on it but started sliding backwards right away. I decided I'd rather crawl then take the risk of my bad ankles and trick knee giving out and landing me on my ass with some real pain.

On the other hand this guy at work called me gorgeous. I know it's a work guy and I said I wouldn't date anyone from work again. I'm not dating him, he's just the random office crush guy. I don't have a crush on him. He seems to have one on me.

So on my days off I was absent here. I got the paperwork for my divorce and started filling it out and got kinda depressed on how much of it the EX has to fill out for it to be a no contest/joint application. I could just serve it on him but it'll take longer and I kinda like the idea that I maybe totally gone of him by August. I sent off for the marriage licence yesterday. At least I'm on top of that.

To celebrate the impending dissolution of my mistake (which BTW an old friend tells me all marriage is, and then says that it's also HELL and a nightmare) I ate and drank a lot. I feel ill now, I'm so sick of it that I wish I'd never had the mini party to begin with :) Not that I'm hung over, I just feel stuffed, constantly now.

I have to say I'm so disappointed witht the Outback Steakhouse these days. I sold my wedding ring and some other attrocious jewlery that the EX gave me, yesterday. Got more than I thought but less than it was worth. I wasn't going to argue or dicker so I just said ok when it came to the price. SO with the celebrating monay I went off for a steak. I ended up having the Mad Max burger. It came out well, but with tomato, even thought I said no onions and tomato. At least they got it half right. I went becasue the Outback used to have a great selection of steaks, now the list is less than half a page and all way over priced. I can get the same strip steak at the Highlander for more than half off their price. And it's just as good. I'm goign there next time.

To add insult to bad dive bar atmosphere, this creppy couple with kid came in. I guess my sitting there with myself in a booth having dinner pissed her off in some way. He came over with a giant stupid grin and way overhyper 'hey hey hey - ok' attitude. He wanted to measure my booth. He brought both place settings to check to see how wide the seat to table ratio was. He then went back and demonstrated to the creepy bitch that indeed I was sitting at a similarily sized table. The made a gesture about how another place setting was needed or how it looked as if it was just one setting wide.

Shortly after my food arrived vreepy bitch and the man and kid either left or moved tables. Apparently I was grossing her out, as she was watching me like I was some kind of side show freak. Now that wasn't exactly what I went out for, and it's been a long time since I was embarassed of my size (which is still shrinking btw) but I wanted to go rough that creppy woman and make her feel small and low like she was trying to make me feel. Some poeple are so rude.

I shopped a lot and now I have a new digital camera. Which some guy stopped by me to tell me he was a professional photographer and all digital cameras were pieces of shit and worthless and film was is and will always be the bomb. I'm so standing there thinking unless you're going to give me a canrea shut up. He pretty much talked me into getting something because I wanted to take pictures. I suddenly wanted to take pictures of everything. And the camera I got was onsale, it was the last display model and works fabulously. I also got a new comforter - which is huge and colourful and makes me feel like I'm sleeping in a giant parachute. I found out the hard way it's needing to get taken to the laundromat to be washed and dried as it's so big it overpoweres our machines. They can't wash it or dry it properly.

I got to put it into service last night as it finally was dry. It's nice and overpowering. I actually feel like I'm being eaten by it, in a friendly warm kind of slowly hapily disappearing kind of way. I'm indulging in my own The Pretender Season 3 marathon. I'm also working on figuring out what the Mental pLaylist should be. Here goes =>

10) a kind of fairytale - tori amos
9) my fathers chair - rick springfield
8) all i want - toad the wet sprocket
7) you wouldn't like me - teagan and sarah
6) you stepped on my life - the philosopher kings
5) kim (she said) - concrete blonde
4) hear me out - frou frou
3) smoke baby - hawskley workman
2) in my head - anna nalick
1) take a walk - neil finn and friends

No lyrics for that yet - I may get them up later once I get them all written out. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:44 AM

08 March 2006

i heard the news today oh boy :
I had the most fucked up dream ever this morning. I was dreaming that I was in trouble with the law. I was on probation and Roseanne Barr was my parole officer. All the people I was on parole with, we had to hang out like a big giant support group at this mall slash megaplex. I don't know why but I was really offended that I was 35 and stuck with all these juvenile deliquents. And Roseanne just kept telling me to shut up and it didn't matter what I said. I had fucked up so I had to deal with it.

The weirdest thing is Iwas there because of my EX. I had done something to him and I was sentenced to be stuck in the mall with kids. I was also on some kind of tehter where I couldn't go too far from the little ones or I got stuck, like a mime hitting a wall. The weirdest thing is this really annoying guy was there ans got in my face and I told him off and he wacked me in the face with a gialt splintery piece of wood. Then I got in trouble for assaulting him. By the time I woke up I was so pissed off I wanted to go back to sleep and dream of beating all the people in the mallplex down. He's been bugging me endlessly about where my 21st friend went, and tonight he did it again so Itold him that I knew he was doing it on purpose and if he didn't stop I would tell people he's harassing me. He didn't laugh. Maybe he'll leave me the hell alone now.

Well I still don't know what the point of the dream was. Other than to make me dislike big disorganised places where young and loud people might hang out. I so don't know why I would dream of Roseanne and my EX and annoying work guy. It was way stressful. I guess I could have dreamt we were all at work, which would have been real hell. As it was this movie-mallplex was a huge multi doored whit laquered place with lots of plastic and stuff, but no natural anything and no bathrooms either. It was hell for all the time I was there.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:55 PM

07 March 2006

winter just wasn't my season :
Uh so I fell on my ass right infront of the stoop to our house. Pissed I am, mostly because I hurt my hand and got jolted. I still fell well, I can get an Oscar for graceful falling. Bad ankles, bum knee = lots of practice. Add insult to injury I just go the most bizarre email. Remeber 13 hour date guy. He seems to have just broken up with me. I DIND"t KNOW we were going out. I thought we were going to be friends, maybe - but he's tres unreliable. And I like clockwork y'know.

I'm really trying to come up with the items that will keep 'em coming back for more, but I haven't got it this week I guess, really didn't have it last week either but I'm still at it. And Raj - blooging - underwater blogging? Fixed it :)

So I'm not exciting enough to have any real news. I may be sore from slamming into the iced concrete but other than that the imagined relationship and the email ending haven't rocked my world. I'm kinda unphased and somewhat un affected these days. I do have my forced 4 day weekend and mini vacay coming up. Now I have to decide if I'm going to get my tongue pierced or not. A few people have come out and made some points that have pretty much summed up why I haven't done that in the past. I may just opt for the 6th tattoo and leave it at that. I may decide to do neither or both, or something else entirely.

Do you think since we broke up I can send him a copy of Song For The Dumped by Ben Folds, cuz 'I want my money back BITCH' :)

Keep blogging
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:21 PM

05 March 2006

i'm gonna sing my song :
Mental Playlist time. I heard a new bunch of songs Friday and one makes my list. All others are part of my current 80's resurgence. I'm all happily being a 80's music fan. Blame it on The last How I Met Your Mother, where Barney's party tape was basically the beginning of You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi. That's like all that was ever played anyways, so if it got better I have no idea. I'm trying to be good and take it easy and lounge lizard my way throught my 10.5 days of straight work. So here's the playlist.

10) still of the night - whitesnake
9) no one like you - the scorpions
8) live wire - motley crue
7) take me home tonight - eddie money
6) round and round - ratt
5) hugry like the wolf - duran duran
4) middle of the road - the pretenders
3) if i was - midge ure
2) you give love a bad name - bon jovi
1) heart in a cage - the strokes

"Heart In A Cage"

Well I don't feel better
When I'm fucking around
And I don't write better
When I'm stuck in the ground
So don't teach me a lesson
Cause I've already learned
Yeah the sun will be shining
And my children will burn

Oh the heart beats in its cage

I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field

Yeah we got left, left, left, left, left, left, left

Now it's three in the morning and you're eating alone

Oh the heart beats in its cage

All our friends, they're laughing at us
All of those you loved you mistrust
Help me I'm just not quite myself
Look around there's no one else left
I went to the concert and I fought through the crowd
Guess I got too excited when I thought you were around

Oh he gets left, left, left, left, left, left, left

I'm sorry you were thinking; I would steal your fire.
The heart beats in its cage
Yes the heart beats in its cage

And the heart beats in its cage

******when I saw the video on The Wedge I thought, how very Radiohead homagé*********

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:46 PM

stolen from Binsk :
Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:42 AM

04 March 2006

she has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous :
I went out today. I'm hyperactive and staying in bores the shit out of me just thinking about it. And it was a nice sunny and mildly windy/crisp day. I did my 4 hours in the am, ate a donut, got groceries and brought them home. I told all the Kids to go out (I think 0 listened until after sun down) and then left to get new stove covers. I found none that I could stomache bringing home. I did get a new 'toy' box and I ate at the Highlander (again!) where I met a guy who spends way too much time on his hair. His name is Seamus and he's signing people up for a monthly memebership to Amnesty International. I've always wanted to join and I so made Seamus's day when I was actuallt interested in what he had to say.

Imagine meeting a guy with an Irish name outside a Scottish pub, that's a Saturady for you. I soon will be an official member. Now I didn't tell Seamus but on the bus ride downtown I saw some girls in the Glebe with the Amnesty books and I was already curious (but trapped on the bus) so even if he'd been the most disgusting creature about, I'd have talked to him. He wasn't, but I think the obvious staring I was doing was making him uncomfortable. That and I kept laughing whenever the loud traffic made him nervous I wasn't hearing his speech. Oh my he had at least a half hour hairdo on. Now he was young, but bearded so guess-timates on age could be wildly out of the park - but I'd say he's been doing his hair that way long enough to have it down to about an hour or less - depending on importance of event. I know hair that effortlessly curly doesn't grow on trees - man or not. He had a firm confident handshake so I have to like the guy. I hate to get the dead fish just because I'm not really important. Yea Seamus knows how to make you feel important. A good thing in a person.

So, speaking of feeling important - all the losers are out again. I swear there needs to be something disseminated to men. I'm friendly NOT stupid. I'm talking to you because I want to make friends, have someone to chat with and meet in person to do the things people do when they are friends. If I have to tell Hot Dr NO one more time I'm going to tell him to come here and then have him wait 8 hours for me NOT to show up - karma be damned. I'm a bit tired of being the go to girl - when NO ONE ELSE can be found. I have NEVER wanted to be the last woman on earth in that way. And yet I see this as part and parcel of the decline of civility in culture. People don't keep their word, don;t know how to be kind or polite or even be friends much anymore. I'm saddened.

So my BFFU has to have a root canal. Let's all think good thoughts for an non saddistic dentist for her. Also, while we're at, let's think get the HELL to yoga thoughts for me too. All I wanna do is join a yoga class. I'm obsessed, it's supplanted my need for a digital camera - even to see movies. SO I know I'm going to have to at least go to a class and see what happens. In the mean time I got a little vacay arranged for the last weekend of the month that falls in the quarter - 4 days off. I'm trying to get another 4 official vacay off in April - cuz I want to get my tongue pierced and I am being told it takes only a few days to talk mostly normal agian. I'm a trusting soul so I'm buying it.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:23 PM

03 March 2006

dischord and rhyme :
I won the slomo of the year awaed yesterday. I walked into the house and someone had made som stinky veggies and it was sickening. I should have taken that as a sign of things to come, but oh no, not me. I decided (because I keep forgetting we get a free lunch today) to make egg salad. So I go to the stove. I now officially HATE those burner covers. I knw what they are there for and I knoww they look pretty but all I ever do is SET THEM ON FIRE. Yea I did. 3 of them, becuase I turned on the wrong burner. Between bad luck and dyslexia yesterday, it's amazing I didn't kill us all. So instead of having the amazing relaxing night I thought I would I had to spen about an hour scrubbing the top of the stove.

I did that with a non scratch sponge and baking soda. It worked WAY better than the SOS(brillo) pad and it actually too the GIANT BLACK RING off the stove. Now it's a faint bone colour. If you're looking for it you can't miss it but otherwise I don't think you'd notice it. This is how I found out the the general idea of the neat neat house falls down in the keeping the burners and the oven underneath clean. There's a lot of gross shit in the burner covers and under them. I had to take the one I poocched out to scrub off the black. I'm glad it was baked on cheap ass burner cover paint and that I hadn't actually burned the stove enamelled paint. Thank goodness the Gods and Godesses love fools and children or I'd be spending my money buying a new hous stove not getting a new blanket.

So today for kicks I get to go buy some repentant cheap ass burner covers. I know they get the burner covers at the dollar store, so when I say cheap ass I mean the price, the covers always look cool. I actually like burner covers, they make great potted plant bases. I had some when I was married and that's all we used them for after the EX set one on fire. His mom bought them for us, but neither of his folks ever visited us. EVER. Anyways I feel right awful and guilty because I'm supposed to be the older wiser person and I just set the house record for most burner covers fucked up in one shot. I'm So SPECIAL. Can I get my dunce cap and go now?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:26 AM

01 March 2006

i'm alive I'm a live wire :
The weather outside is bloody annoying. It's making me wish for spring in the I-can't-take-the-fucking-humidity-as-cold-anymore kinda way. All these news shows are coming on and I'm wondering what will happen to my current shows. I'm already having a seizure over how to tape My Name is Earl and everything else on Wednesdays- cuz It's on Wednesdays here on one channel and the Thursdays on another. I'm losing interest in some of the stuff, let's be honest - all of the stuff I've been watching. I'm bored of Lost. I'm wondering if Prison Break is going to be worth watching. I've lost that loving feeling for most of the comedies I was watching.

I like Freddie and George Lopez - they aren't Fraiser or anything but they are funny and not really gross. I like the funny sometimes, as light an airy as ABC does it. I've actually been having a hard time finding My Name is Earl so I don't know how muych of the season I've missed. It's ok if I know the show is moving, but when the channels then move it without warning or don't air it, I get pissed. I totally got lost in seasone one of 24 that way and now I just get mad watching it. They aren't fucking around with the schedule now are they?

So this is like my letter to the studio people. I don't have tivo and the schedules aren't so reliable that a show that's been moved will be easy to find - so stop fucking with a good thing. Leave the shows where they are and let people keep watching the ones they like. I don't care that you cancel most of the shows I like and thems the breaks - but stop messing with the ones you don't cancel. So I'm done the min rant.

I'm wondering what I'm going to do to make my life all happy shampy with my one day off. I was thinking - cuz I suffer from reaccuring financial insanity - that I could just work Saturday too and then I'd have an 11 day stretch in and I'd had some extra dollars and I'd feel all accomplished for my following 2 days off. I don't think I can actually do it though. I'd probably need a real extended vacy. Right now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get to use my WFM days off before the end of the quarter at the end of this month. It's already March, and people are endlessly talking taxes around me - and I'm realising I'm not going to get my T-4's cuz I didn't change my addresses. Uh oh, and then I spend all morning writing this and don't call anyone. I'm such a flake! I'll do it tomorrow whan I'm feeling awake and alive.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:52 AM

MenTal fUrbAll