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blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.


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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05


From the ghost land of the easy life.

28 April 2006

i won't be the one left behind :
I've been dreaming weird ass dreams lately. I don't usually have dreams with hosts of people I know in them. Maybe I see one or 2 people, but lately it's been either all people I know or people I I think I know, but it doesn't really look like them. It's all helping me be more in tune with the world at large, but lord knows that I don't need weird dreams. If anything I need to sleep.

So first weird dream starts off in a mansion stuffed full of people, like a giant sorority. The interior is three stories and everything is done in blonde wood and the weirdness, aside from it being a house I've never been to ever (and I never dream of places I've never been unless I then go there) everyone is either wearing a white terry cloth robe or a white towel. All I can think about (in the dream) is that I get to my Mom and take her shopping. Instead I end up stalking my mom (who's not my mom), a little white haired woman in a giant white tiger striped mink and track pants with a giant louis vuiton bag. I'm not alone though, I'm travelling with Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. Ritchie's in a white terry cloth robe and I insult her a lot and Lohan laughs and we stalk my 'mom' in this giant continuous mall complex.

I have no idea what that was about, but I figured it meant my mom wanted something since I spend the whole dream worrying about her. So I got an email that she needs me to get something notarised for her. So not only do I have to get that done, and probably pay for it, I'm going to have to use my day off next week to do it too. Should let Ritchie at the dream 'mom', maybe it would have been something good that happened then :)

So the next dream is a cast of characters. My married friends were there, a bunch of people from work and my EX. He was unusualy nice and lovely, he'd been to rehaba nd was a changed man. I didn't take him back but suggested we could maybe hang out as friends. He ate it up and it creeped me out. I wasn't trusting an ounce of it but I was relieved he wasn't killing me or anything. Of course my married friends and I were living together in a huge dark wood apartment. We were always playing card games. I was always sleeping too. Always just getting out of bed. There were more than a few people in the dream that I didn't know, but I forgive them as they weren't annoying or anything. It's bad when dream people are abrasive or annoying, because if you ever meet them in person you already think that about them.

And that's what I've been doing. Trying to figure out the depths of my mind. It's hard work and I want a hot chocolate and a donut. I'm going to have to get dressed and go and get it, because it's not like I couldn't use the walk or anything :) Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:20 AM

26 April 2006

i will turn you away as easily as i turn you into me :
I was worried about my hand me down, paid to damn much for it, stereo. It has been misbehaving lately. It started skipping at the back end of cd's, then it stopped pleying the last songs, anything after track 10 was iffy. Today I took it apart. I dusted it, flicked the levers, and took a hair out of it. My hait is everywhere. Be afraid of it's ability to travel. Now the stereo seems to be back up to snuff. Nevermind I bent the case a bit because a screw wouldn't come out, to the eye it's tip top and to the ear too. Have hammer will correct.

No one to flirt with at work. I resigned myself to stop thinking about flirt guy, which means he's like on super high rotation through my mind. I have nothing if not a mind obsessed with what it can't have. I also have a new paranoia about my roommates, but having been burned by a long line of dope smokers, I'm kinda biased. And I'm wondering why I never noticed it before => well really because I didn't want to. I know that. I can't say that it bothers me or that I feel lied too, but deceived a bit yea. It's up to you what you do, but don't look me in the eyes and be superior about yourself and life, when you are just like everyone else. Especially those you insist you are superior to. Really no one is better than anyone else. This just proves it. Of course now my skin constantly itches and I wonder who's high and if this is affecting my allergies. I'm so allergic to that stuff it isn't even funny.

Yea so not too deep again, but really I'm not really interested to be deep. I'm just trying to not eat myself silly. First comes bitchy, then comes bottomless pit munchy and then comes the flow. It better show up, cuz I hate going through the motions for a no show. Aside from that I'm probebly going to have the shit bleached out of my hair for the summer, going to go Marilyn. Or at least Buffy, heavy on the streakage. Born blonde and planning to stay blonde, by any means :) I've gotten really well acquainted with my natural hair colour and now I can go back to abusing my folicles. I'm also planning on geting some waxing done for the summer. I'm going to get the arm pits done, just to see what it's like then decide if I can take on the bikini wax. Lord knows I can take the pain, Going on 7 months of glass in the foot so I don't think ripping some hair out is going to kill me. Of course some areas are more sensitive than others so we'll see if I'm going to be masochistically adventurous or not.

In the meantime I'm hungry so I'm going to go eat and make a snaking cake, because I can. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:19 AM

25 April 2006

well listen now hear what i say :
I'm 5 posts away from 300. I'm kinda impressed since I'm not a stick with it type, I tend to start to let stuff slide after a while => as new stuff becomes important. Sticking with the blog is important tot me because I actually like the formet and the idea people can look at it. I also like the comments and finding other bloggers to read. But it's been raining for days and even though deep thoughts keep occuring to me, I can't seem to capture them and get them here for others to read. So aimless ramblings of nothing much ensue. I'm making a plan, so stick with me.

I got up all ready to take a shower, but Kid M (who leaves today) decicded that even though he has like all the time in the world to groom, he's going to take over the bathroom for about 45 minutes now. Rat bastard. I take like a 5-10 minute shower and as soon as heard I was up he ran in there and hasn't come out. I hope his plane crashes and he's the only casualty. I've got PMS so it doesn't count, the bad intent.

I'm glad he's going to be going away because this month he took off has been tiring. He's always around like lord of the house (and he's just brother in law of the lord) being jerky and selfish and annoying. I wonder if he thinks the same about me, but I can't find the energy to care. He's I've accepted that he is just one of those people I have no interest in getting to know, he's about as interesting as a raindrop and seemingly as deep. His conversations are always condescending tones and lately he's being more sexual => I so don't care he nairs his balls. Honestly the more he talks like that the gayer I think he is. It would explain a lot of things. Overcompensating mucho.

Anyways since I really have nothing NICE to say I should just shut up. I'll try to get some interesting things lined up, typed up and posted. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:05 AM

23 April 2006

make me laugh say you can turn me into the real thing :
I've been away, hanging out with my married friends and making the Kids in the house wonder about me. Tonight I caught someof them smoking dope, so I think I'm the one with the least worries currently. I drank a nice but Friday night and watched a couple of girlie movies. We didn't get through Elizabethtown that night, we tried but failed. We did get through one of the 4 we rented. I can't remember which one though. I'm so lost :)

I was subjected to playing Mario Party again while there. I always feel crappy playing those games, because I can't win. I'm not practised enough and I have no desire to practise enough to kick ass should I ever paly again. SO I don't play enthusiastically. I shouldn't play at all, I'm such a bummer, but I feel worse if I'm a grumpy player then if I don't play at all. Woe is me :)

I missed seeing my flirting partner Saturday. I know he was there today but I didn't go in to see him, I didn't want to get roped into overtime for any reason. Since I spent 4 hours trekking all over Ottawa Friday, before we ate wings and watche Duran Duran videos and drank - I needed a break. I' walked 4 hours in really cute but crappy shoes. I got all dressed up to just go and hang out. I know I did it to see if flirty guy would notice. I did get compliments. I got them from the first interested man I know about at work = which is odd but still nice I guess. I just wish one of the 3 of them would break pattern and do something like ask me to go somewhere with them sometime. Yea I've hit spring now and my thoughts return to the fact I'm sleeping alone in a single bed and I don't like it.

That's so not a news flash. I know. PS I'm still pissed all the so called chatty men are just boring Bobs who don't even want to chat. I'm going to digress now into the Mental Playlist.

10) edge of the ocean - ivy
9) southern accents - tom petty
8) union of the snake - duran duran
7) sway - michael bublé
6) angels of the silences - counting crows
5) extraordinary - liz phair
4) jackie's strength - tori amos
3) goodbye to you - scandal
2) songbird - eva cassidy
1) livewire - motley crue

"Live Wire" by Motley Crue

Plug me in
I'm alive tonight
out on the streets again
turn me on
I'm too hot to stop
something you'll never forget
take my fist
break down walls
I'm on top tonight

No, no
you better turn me loose
you better set me free
'Cause I'm hot, young, running free
a little bit better than I used to be

Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire
Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire

I'll either break her face
or take down her legs
get my ways at will
Go for the throat
never let loose
Goin' in for the kill
take my fist
break down walls
I'm on top tonight

No, no
you better turn me loose
you better set me free
'Cause I'm hot, young, running free
a little bit better than I used to be

Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire
Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire

Come on baby
gotta play with me
Well I'm your live wire
You better lock your doors
I'm on the prowl tonight
well be mine tonight

Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire
Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire

Come on be my baby
Come on tonight
Come on love me baby
Come on tonight
I'll give you everything
you want inside
Plug me in, plug me in
I want you
Come on tonight

Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire
Cause I'm alive
Live wire
Cause I'm alive
I'm a live wire

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:17 PM

20 April 2006

that i would be good whether with or with out you :
I'm tripping watching Alias's 2 hour epsiode. It's so camp and I just love Irina. I think Lena Olin is supreme. It's such a fun show, I totally don't get into the drama aspect, I'm all kitsch and gadgets. That's what I watch for. Maybe I make the show way more sardonic then it is, but it's why I've made the effort to watch it at all. And EVERYONE is back. It should be a rip roaring few final episodes. Now I'll have to get the box sets.

I got up early and went and got a super huge hot chocolate and a few donuts and some new shirts. I need shirts, now I have a batch. Next I'll be getting pants. I'm kinda all up on the new clothes deal - because I'm losing weight and also because keeping my clothes indefinitely isn't as appealing to me as it once was. I'm suddenly quite obsessed with getting rid off all the stuff I do own for pants and tops, and getting all new stuff. I've never really wanted to do that before => being that I'm ususally VERY attached to my clothes, as if I may never have other garments to wear ever, attached.

It's the last 8.5 hours before the Friday chick flick madness. I'm stoked, mostly because I'm convinvced today can't be as bad as yesterday. Two calls over an hour each yesterday, and did I ever want to kill myslef because the people were unreal. So mot paying attention, unable to see and listen at the same time, and that's basic human multitasking. If you can't do that there is no reason for you to have lived this long. My feelings anyways, but I'm biased towards those with function faculties and the smallest ability to follow instructions. It just makes my life easier.

So last night I ordered in a bacon cheeseburger and fries and a bit of gravy and watche ANTM and then the amazing Race and then went to bed. It helped me get up and along the way I got a little applause for the foodage choice, from the Kids N and J, who are getting tired of their fave takeout so may try my fave place for a change up. I think the delivery guy from my place enjoys my inability to do math as it garners him a large tip, compared to what other people in the area may give. I always try to tip, it invites being remembered, hopefully kindly.

On the guy tip, flirty guy made a real effort to talk to me, from an entire row away. So we were literally shouting at each other. It's insane. But so am I nad I love me so! Wish me smiles today and I'm hoping to get through relatively unscathed and not desperately wanting to drink myself to death in an evening, so I don't have to lose anymore IQ points.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:11 PM

19 April 2006

seems all i ever do these days is dumb my process down :
You all know I'm like completely uninteresting, and I usually write here what I should in my comments. Why? Because I hate getting emailed what I say back to y'all. I'm funny that way :) I'm glad you like my pages, one and all. I'll try to keep finding a way to get you to comment, though my downfall has been actually getting that to happen => I may have to rethink this whole not replying to comments thing.

So I'd like to appologise to my RSS reader, who for today will be innundated with lines of code as a publish a bunch of my favourite things, quizzes. Oh My I simply must entertain myself before goign to work to shamelessly flirt with this guy, who while he's there is always smiling at me and chatting to me and I'm not sure if he's interested or anything, but he (like the world) tells me these weird things about himself (for instance I know he is always up at 4 am now, and that he barely sleeps ever) and he doesn't live alone (not sure why he mentioned that). But he's cute as hell and really nice, and I have no game and so this is my little ego boost. The daily dose of gee I'm interesting.

Onto the quizzes:

How Will I Die Quiz

How Will I Die Quiz

You will die at the age of 110

You will die trying to be the first person to mail yourself around the world

Find out how you will die at Quizopolis.com

Quizopolis



Easter Bunny Name

Your Easter Bunny Name is
Nibbles Cottonball
Get Your Easter Bunny Name at Quizopolis.com

Quizopolis



Office Wars

Office Wars Quiz

Your weapon of choice is

Exploding Post Its

Peel, Stick and Run!

Find your Office Wars Weapon of Choice at Quizopolis.com

Quizopolis




Which Oscar Would You WinWhich Oscar Would You Win?

You have won an Academy Award for

Best Drunk Scene

Get Your Oscar at Quizopolis.com



Which season are youYou are Summer

Warm sunny evenings and lazy days at the beach is is what you enjoy

Take the Season Quiz at Quizopolis.com

Quizopolis



Luck o' the Irish QuizCongratulations, according to our experts, you have :

75% of the luck o' the Irish

Take the Luck o' the Irish Quiz at Quizopolis.com



Flirting QuizCongratulations, according to our experts, you are :

78% Flirty

Take the Flirting Quiz at Quizopolis.com

Quizopolis


I was thinking about the way things go. I'm so lucky, and the sun is shining and the allergies I hate are coming on full force so I never want to get out of bed before 10:30. I really have to try to go to bed earlier. So then Maybe I can get out of bed at 10:30 :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:48 AM

18 April 2006

sometimes I think I’m the only cab on the road :
Oh so first day back after the on and off weekend, and some local snot tries to brow beat me about improper trouble shooting. I had a customer that insisted his problem was worse, so I did my best to prove it, sent it to the snot and he rejected it. So We did more and proved it MORE and I got the snot back, and I brow beat him with the fact that a) he wasn't reading the notes, b) I did so know what I was doing and c) you're taking the client. Grr Arg.

I'm going to have to do a full restore of my computer again. Mostly because the XP addition is taking over and won't allow 98 to use firefox properly to see some websites. I don't like XP that much. All the user friendliness makes me feel condescended too, but then again I like to take Windows amd make it my own little slice of workability. I think it goes back to my problem with authority, I like to mess with things and make them kinda mine => even if they aren't. Check me out at work with my Mac-esque desktop and stuff. I'd change the colours too but we're administratively disabled.

Other than that I'm still boring. Looking forward to chick flick Friday. We're gonna get wasted and watch sappy movies and fo facials (called them face masks last night and confused everyone) and possibly I'll be giving streaks to my married friend. It's easier to have someone else do it for you then to do it yourself, I so know this. It's why I've determined to go professional and get it done so it looks right. Thank god I found a decent salon, but we'll see how that goes on the next root touch up day.

I had a Jones' Soda candy, it fizzes => yesterday. There was something so in the air. I was loud and rowdy. I was so wired it wasn't even funny. AND I had a couple of interesting conversations with some cuties. Nothing like a big warm smile to make you feel like a million dollars. Now if it happens again today, that I'm all wired, I'm going to have to really look into getting allergy pills or something, because that level of frentic energy will eventually kill me. I can't sustain the chipper.

And so that's the daily update. Talk to you all soon. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:03 AM

16 April 2006

i know what you like :
Yea so it was a wierd vacay. Where I spent about a year of my life restoring my computer and it's still weird looking to me, my fonts are all fucked up. I'll live though - I'm pretty sure. I've been invited to Easter dinner and I shoulda left hours ago and all to entertain the hostess, but I've been avoiding it in trying to fix my computer back to it's most least Windows looking self. That and my camera's batteries died so I didn't even get pics of my sister when she was here.

I'm really wondering why people talk to me. I'm so selfisha dn self absorbed and way feeling like I'm showing all the interest in being the friend these days. It's because I'm not getting any reciprocal interest- no play => that I'm so not feeling up to going and being the designated sorry single at the dinner party. But I've already bought the wine so I'm going, plus I so need to get the hell outta my room :)

N.E.WAYS time for the Mental Playlist

10) who wants to live forever - queen (because american idol won't ruin it for me)
9) try - john mayer trio
8) criminal - fiona apple
7) sullivan street - the counting crows
6) walk on - u2
5) it's a good life if you don't weaken - the tragically hip
4) follow you, follow me - genesis
3) smoke baby - hawksley workman
2) god is a bullet - concrete blonde
1) fascination street - the cure

FASCINATION STREET

oh it's opening time
down on fascination street
so let's cut the conversation
and get out for a bit
because i feel it all fading and paling
and i'm begging
to drag you down with me
to kick the last nail in
yeah! i like you in that
like i like you to scream
but if you open your mouth
then i can't be responsible
for quite what goes in
or to care what comes out
so just pull on your hair
just pull on your pout
and let's move to the beat
like we know that it's over
if you slip going under
slip over my shoulder
so just pull on your face
just pull on your feet
and let's hit opening time
down on fascination street
so pull on your hair
pull on your pout
cut the conversation
just open your mouth
pull on your face
pull on your feet
and let's hit opening time
down on fascination street

Keep blogging :)

PS I lost a lot of my blog links, so if you want me to read by leave a msg :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:23 PM

12 April 2006

my envied lady holds you fast in her gaze :
I walked my feet off into little nubbins yesterday. My sister came to town and we walked around from 8am til 4 pm. Then I came home and did laundry, because aching feet need to go up and down all the stairs available :) They aren't trying to kill me today so I'm planning on taking them on a tour of downtown while I go to sell those rings in the previous post.

It sure was hard to get clear pictures of them, what with the camera in one hand snd the ring on the other. By the time I tried to get the setting shots my hands were exhausted from all the holding still. I never knew my hand moved THAT much just pressing the button to TAKE the picture.

Anyways I'm going to sell them, because I don't wear them and they really have no personal value to me. I really like them. They are, after all, the rings I picked out and , in the case of the birthday present, bought myself while married. However I'm not going to be married for much longer and these aren't exactly the priceless gems I once though of them as. coloured glass i can replace. I really like the birthday present, because it's a large sized garnet, not that easy to find. I actually have only 2 other garnet things. A ring my mother gave me, that's olde styled and something I never wear either, and a pendant I got from my Sri Lankan eight grade teacher. I was a teacher's pet to that extent. I wsn't the only one, he brought the other blonde girl in his class an emerald pendant too. I don't really know why, I just know hers was smaller than mine and that made her mad. Small geek victories - cuz I also knew mine was the less expensive stone.

I was too tired last night so today I may venture out to the colliseum to see Slither. I will see it by Saturday. I wasn't lying. I will not let it slide, because these kinds of movies are best seen in the theatre where the territory is slightly unfamiliar. Anyways I'm going off into the world to have some fun selling my past. If you're interested in buying pieces of it, lemme know. I'm sure something can be arranged :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:30 AM

10 April 2006

it's my party :
the birthday present 

the setting of the birthday present 

the promise ring 

the setting of the promise ring 

the engagement ring 

setting of the engagment ring 

don't I look mad? 

the reason I need to tan soon 

beacuse some people doubt my plus size 

our house cat in colour 

our house cat in black and white 

the general story of my life :)  Posted by Picasa
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:58 PM

09 April 2006

didn't we almost have it all :
I lost my happy a bit last night. I was too innudated with people who have zero retention skills and a million thing I HAVE TO HELP THEM DO. God why can't we have a 1 problem rule? Oh- you have something else you want to do? Please hold while I transfer you to someone else who can waste time with you k?

I got the happy back watching I'm The One That I Want by Margaret Cho. I taped it cuz I had to go to bed early and all cuz I wok 11.30-8 today (go figure). Turns out Notorious CHO was on after that, something the tv guide didn't mention. If I'd know I'd have just let the tpe run. But no I had it on a timer so I'm not sure if I got all of Notorious CHO. I'll find out.

If you don't know, Margaret Cho is fucking hillarious. She's kinda crude and really rude, and I love it. She's so like me. Really, you just don't know.

So it's Mental Playlist day. I'm probably going out to my married friends' place after work, and getting some wings. I'm pretty much having some wings wether I go there or not, cuz I got paid and I can. Also tonight begins my five day vacay where I get to try to monkey with my blog page and finally put up a poetry page and take lots of pictures. Wish me luck :)

TOP TEN

10) new moon on monday - duran duran
9) barely listening - pilate
8) jackie's strength - tori amos
7) ava adore - smashing pumpkins
6) in your room - depeche mode
5) dark star - suede
4) country house - blur
3) weather with you - crowded house
2) you wouldn't like me - tegan and sara
1) move along - all american rejects

"Move Along"

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
[fade out]

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:57 AM

07 April 2006

how far is heaven :
en·tro·py n. pl. en·tro·pies

1. Symbol S For a closed thermodynamic system, a quantitative measure of the amount of thermal energy not available to do work.
2. A measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system.
3. A measure of the loss of information in a transmitted message.
4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.
5. Inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society.


I've been reading my blog roll buddies. Sassinak is sufferring from ennui and Steff is talking about passion. I agree with it all. I feel it, and then I suffer from the above. I have no ability to get up and worry about anything. I need to make some definite decisions and do some total reorganization of my meantality and I'm so totally putting it off. The only suggestion I have is from my horoscope at freewillastrology.com , that says be verbose. Oh I so have no problem with that, I have a looming problem with my phone time, again. It's going up again.

The last three days it's been ridiculously high when compared to what it was. In all fairness we're talking like a 3 minute difference, but it's not good. I don't want to obsess about it to the point where my stress gives me gut rot. I'm a stress internalizer so I usually get gut rot, then I start clenching my jaw and then the grey hairs start multiplying. Eventually I could get- eek - wrinkles. It sounds lame but it's really just another form of making myself sick. I seem to know how to do that well. The days are rolling by and I feel kind of out of control, like it's all going somewhere I need to get to, but I'm not excited about getting there. I'm wishing I KNEW what was coming.

So that guy at work, who thinks I'm gorgeous, tried to talk to me yesterday. I say tried because it goes like this => HI, back handed compliment, yammer yammer yammer, bye. He ends up saying the stupidest things. He told me I'm mean, then he told me he thinks I'm relly a nice person. He has a schizophrenic oppinion of me. And I just sit there and smile at him. And he gets flustered and forgets what he wants to say and then he can't look at me and eventually he scampers off. Gee I've really got that unattainability down, now how do you rub it off? Wish I knew that.

To the most unfortunate points of distraction, I really don't care. That guy who broke up with me via email, when we weren't dating => emailed me the other day, like 2 months later, to say he'd like to be friends but he has NO TIME. I have to understand that. I'm wondering what kind of test this is, that I have to understand ruddeness because it comes with a warning label. I can so tell you that my spidey sense talle me his other friends don't get shined on like that. So I haven't written back. I don't need no new hoops to jump through, got my one entropy course and no desire to run it.

So I sit here spinning in infinity and wondering what will it take to kick my but into the proper sequence of motions for excitement. I think a little less rain and little more effort. I'm so unimpressed. I got the appointment with the 'real' surgeon. He's a plastic surgeon and he won't even see me and my glass foot til 29 June. So I'm going to not be exercising regularily til next year. I can't do it, I've tried, and the damn spot swells and hurts and IT'S PISSING ME OFF. Cuz there's supposed to be nothing there. I'm supposed to be able to live life normally and all I can do is work my ass once a week then gimp my ass around in payback sufferage. Ok I guess today is bitter day. My bad, I shoulda announce unhappy hour at the top of the post. Better late than never eh?

Keep blogging.

PS my hair has been more noticably shedding/falling out, so I'm paranoidly convinced I've developed alopecia and am going bald. It's the grey days, I'm sure.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:22 AM

05 April 2006

the future's been sold :
This last little while I've been blast from the pasting with my music collection. It's kinda because I can and it's kinda because I don't find it interesting to listen to the radio anymore. I think I just officially got old in my music tastes. Anyways, it's been a mixed bag of pretty much anything and everything with Motley Crue's Live Wire coming out on top as THE SONG I most want to hear. It's the pounding music more than the lyrics, because c'mon Vince Neil isn't exactly the best and most articulate singer ever.

It hit me the other day, while I was walking around and thinking about what's wrong with me. I've talked here about being a slacker. I so am. But I'm not a slacker because I don't want anything. I slack because I'm TERRIFIED of success. I can barely take a compliment, there's no way I could sort out in my head how to deal with getting what I really want and worked for and all. I've spent a long time being a failure. I learned it in school after being terrorized for being smart and accomplishing straight A's. It's hard as hell to unlearnt that people will like you more if you underachieve. It's hard to get over being a people pleaser. It's HARD living for yourself.

All in all, I just do enough to get by. I don't try much. I give up a lot. I come from a long line of quitters, so I know it well. But I'm not satisfied. I've walked away from everything I was ever told I should want because it left me cold. I sit here wondering what it will really take to kickstart me into making any real tangible moves towards attaining my goals. I have simple goals, but I do virtually nothing about them. I don't read my poetry anywhere, I don't submit it to magazines or contests and I hardly post it do I? I don't take the time to exercise my storytelling chops and I bought a new camera I don't take pictures with. There's a whole lot of decision that goes int that. Mostly it's NOT RIGHT NOW. Seriously that's what I think. Yet my life line is getting shorter, and I keep putting my life off. I'm doing that killing myself through not really living thing. I've noticed.

How do I stop?

So I'm making changes that pull me outside and make me move. I joined a gym and am pursuing having the foot fixed. Since I mentally quit my job I've been impressing the hell out of my boss, who now says getting sick there was the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm really bored silly but it's an easy job so I'll stick with it until I have the ability to get something better, upward and onward. Tomorrw I go and pay for the gym membership. I may not work out as I'm currently weraing 2 ankle braces. The weather prompotes walking, the glass in foot promotes compemnsating and so now I have the burning twinges of impending sprain and tendonitis. Yeah I have help in putting things off :)

I had found a neato article at Binsk's place but the link is gone now so I googled the name in the article. Sinc I read this I've been thinking of how true it is and how I've gotta step up and stop coasting. I'm never going to be all I want if I keep letting myself fumble the ball. Even Clifford Franklin eventually caught the pass :)

I've taken some time to sloganize (which I did take from Binsk)

Out Of The Strong Came Forth Mental Furball.
The Mental Furball Effect.
Any Time, Any Place, Mental Furball.
There Ain't No Party Like A Mental Furball Party.
Schhh... You Know Mental Furball.
Strong and Beautiful, Just Like Mental Furball.
You Deserve A Mental Furball Today.

and my fave :)

There's Only One Mental Furball.

The most fitting lyrics for my mood today are from BLUR

The Universal

This is the next century
Where the universal’s free
You can find it anywhere
Yes, the future’s been sold
Every night we’re gone
And to karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
’though the words are wrong

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go

No-one here is alone
Satellite’s in every home
Yes, the universal’s here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow’s your lucky day
Well, here’s your lucky day

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
If the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go


Keep blogging
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:34 AM

04 April 2006

if i could get another chance i'd put it in a ziplock bag :
Well the ritual of the Highlander was restarted yesterday. I went and had cajun wings, was happy to see'Liam Neeson" and then I saw Ice Age 2. 'Liam' was by far the best thing. I didn't like the way the wings stayed with me the whole day, and most of the night; and Icae Age 2 just made me wonder if there was a whole other part of the script they forgot. I love Skrat, and he was well in the movie - but the rest of it was => well Disney comes to mind. We all know I have issues with Disney movies. So Ice Age 2 rates an ok. I plan to see Slither this coming week and probably something else too. Though I will never see Basic Instinct 2. There's a slightly amusing story behing why/how I saw the first one. Maybe I'll tell you sometime.

In other news I saw my surgeon today. ALSO know as Doctor #3. #3 is a kind, funny fuzzy grandfather type who is like 75-80 years old. He's very concerned about my foot and pretty sure, as I am, that there's something there that should be removed. It took 2 hours 50 minutes, 2 exam rooms, one palm drawning and a lot of prodding and poking to come to the conclusion that indeed I should have it taken out. Whatever it is, but #3 doesn't actually do surgeries anymore. Not the type in operating rooms with general anesthesia anyways. SO I'm getting referred to Doctor #4, who #3 assures me is someone he'd let operate on himself. Ooooh doggy.

Other than wasting most of my energy and time waitng to see grandfather time, err Dr #3 => wherein I entertained myself by staring at this point in the carpet where the red and white and black berber combined to look like one po-ed asian warrior was taking on another - to the point of making the rest of the patients waiting think I was catatonic I'm sure. I went and had some really overpriced fries and curry at a British Pub (for shame I know :) I had a Boddingtons there, and a bad waitress who didn't bother to ask me what size I wanted to drink and by default brought me the biggest and most expensive glass. Why Boddingtons? Well they didn't have Kokanee and I really want to get a bottle of that with the mini sasquatch on it because I can; and because I rather like my beer with little or no flavour before, during or afterward drinking.

I then went and got a DiNozzo(NCIS) pizza from Gloria's. Mostly because Kid E and Kid M idolize this place for pizza, and also because it frees up the lunch dilemma for me this week for a few days. I got exactly what Tony got on his pizza in the episode where he's framed for killing a pair of legs. I'll explain no more. It's good pizza, and FYI Bolthouse Farms Mango Lemonade is excellent with Bacardi. It was a total R&R night, in the purest I live like a college student sense. Tv, liquor and pizza. Who could ask for anything more?

RaJ this is info on
phytonutrients
Because I could :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:11 PM

03 April 2006

we're boss at denial best at forget :
Today I joined a gym. I've been talking about it for a while now and I did it. It's a circuit training gym. They want you to do 2 circuits at least but yu can do as much as you like. With walking added in I'm going to be getting a decent workout. Which will help me get to my size 16 goals faster. I'm thinking I'll hit it this year. Which all in all is good considering I seriously started this weightloss plan in September last year when I was size 24-26. Now I'm a 20-22 and if I get down to 16 it'll be the smallest I've been in memory. I don't count when I was a kid because it's not fair, I was in single digits and went from there to a 38 pretty fast. It happens when your family encourages eating as a coping mechanism.

To treat myself I went and got some Bolthouse Farms juices. I'm gulping down the Valencia Orange as we speak, because it's so yum! I tried it because
Sass
said it was so good, and the similar stuff I got from the Women's International Show was so good I wanted more. At least I'm getting veggies and fruit into my diet. So I'm not going to bore you with the eensie details of the gym. It's close and cost effective and I'm so looking to get out of my rut before losing weight turns into gaining it back from lack of change in lifestyle. I know eventually my body will get used to the activity and will compensate and I'll put the weight I've lost back on. Or I'll hit stress and eat myself into oblivion. Old habits die harder then any horror movie villain.

I'm going to go see Ice Age 2 today or tomorrow, because my BFFU says it's hillarious and I love hillarious. I made Kid E mad yesterday because I was having a ball watching the Replacements (SO funny) and clapping and cheering - I get into it ok? He came and asked me to stop clapping and cheering because he's trying to work. Whatever. I'm trying to sleep every morning at 7 when you start singing along to your loud radio. Doesn't stop you one bit. No matter what I say/ask. Guy's got balls, hopefully he thinks next time he wakes me up in the morning and turns the stereo down or doesn't sing along.

Also be wanted to borrow a game off me, it was supposed to be a swap for one of his games. Now he has my games and I haven't got the game from him. Nice eh? Kid M is missing. I guess he quit his other job and has gone on vacay. Poor Kid E misses him so that when I came home from work last night he ran down to see if it was Kid M then sulked his way back upstairs finding out it was only me. I'm going to have to get a shirt that says I am NOT with a blank space that is plastic covered so I can wrote the appropriate name there. I think it's a cool/snarkalicious way to underline that the inhernent disappointment at seeing me is not fun for me either.

Keep blogging and wish me sunshine.

PS I JUST noticed I have an RSS reader. Hi there, thanks for reading :) Sorry I'm not always RSS friendly, but it gives you a reason to come by and take a look right?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:43 PM

02 April 2006

got in the house like a pigeon from hell :
I hate daylight savings time. Losing an hour never is my favourite thing, whether it just happens or it's federally mandated. Also it just gives people an excuse to be rude earlier - because I always forget to turn my clocks ahead/back. It has to do with how I look at time. I know that, technically, Sunday at 2 am was this morning. But I actually think of 2 am last night as Saturday night. Since I really REALLY believe that, I forget to turn the clock thinking I do it tonight at 2 am. Ah such is my little world. Did you remember to turn your clocks ahead?

Other than a rainy series of days ahead, and one just behind us as of now, I'm thinking that the lead up to my vacation may actually have nice weather in it. I'm hoping it will be so. It would be so super nice. Already my day is thrown off as Kid M just got back and has taken over the bathroom, as no one else would ever need it. Between him and Kid E I'm thinking all 25 year old males are like toatl assholes. But I'm cranky as Kid E keeps getting up ridiculously early and blasting his radio and singing along. Neither of these do I have any particular problem with if I'm AWAKE, but when I'm asleep it's not what I'm looking to wake up to. Probably because he sings off key, always.

Ah so it's Menatl Playlist time. I'm thinking some of you may have waited all week for this. I'm thinking of revamping the page, on my vacay I'm going to have sertious time and will continue to make serious stabs at getting it done. How're you enjoying Michael Weatherly anyways? He's going well with the decore I say :)

10) hummingbird - john mayer
9) change - john waite
8) rock me amadeus - falco
7) ain't talking bout love - van halen
6) the warrior - scandal
5) jenni's song - matthew good band
4) is there something i should know - duran duran
3) live wire - motley crue
2) tracing - john mayer
1) who wants to live forever - queen

Who Wants To Live Forever
Words and music by Brian May

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:53 AM

01 April 2006

c'mon baby you better play with me i'm your live wire :
I haven’t written anything deep or interesting here in a while. I was asked at length the other day about being a socialist. Honestly talking about it doesn’t interest me and the guy asking lost points for being so uninformed. I really am an information snob, because it’s so easy to get. I can’t fathom why you wouldn’t just go read some books, or do some web searches to find out what you want to know. Maybe because I’ve spent my whole life learning, just getting hyped about something and getting all the information I could about it from every prospective (I like to be well rounded). I’m that way with fiction and music too, if I’m really into it I get it all. John Mayer is feeling my boon now, I’m all over his work.

Thing is I find it hard to be interesting with out somehow commenting on society and tying myself into that. In my opinion society is pretty lacking so I have rather nothing good to say about it. I wasn’t surprised at all when the frigging Conservatives got in over the Liberals, because people are stupid and tend to do what’s easiest. They also have no respect for history. I didn’t vote for those who have the power, yet again. I’m so not impressed with politics. I know it has it’s place but I disdain it to the point of it actually harming my upward mobility. Yes I have a PROBLEM with authority. I LIKE to think for MYSELF.

I also was not surprised when the scandal du jour appeared. Unlike many Canadians not only have I been on reserves, I’ve had friends who lived there and I know a fair bit about the workings of government and their ideas of deal with our indigenous people. When I heard of the bad water quality on the reserves I thought => what they are just figuring this out? When I was a teen my best friend’s house didn’t even have running water. Everyone who lived on the reserve had to go and pump their water from taps that were placed around the area. It was that way in most of the centre of town. Not where I lived though, we had plumbing and showers and washing machines. I always knew that these things made people think I was rich, but I wasn’t. Not by any stretch of the imagination. It garnered me some instant enemies. But when they got to know me that changed. I had some very good friends.

Thing is life for Native Canadians is almost never talked about or thought of by most people. The amnesty guy – Seamus – was trying to sell me on the point that Amnesty was involved in the fight to stop the abuse of Native women in Canada. It’s something I’m very aware of. I, like most of my friends in the past, are well acquainted with the facts of growing up poor, rural and native. I’m not able to claim I’m native, but a majority of the people I was closest to and friends with in my childhood are. We shared the same schools and the same experiences. Except theirs was slightly different. I noticed that teachers treated native students differently. Not all, but most would not give the native students the chance to answer questions in class. If a native student asked questions they were usually answered in a demeaning way. When groups were made for projects, native students were usually all put together.

Many people I knew were forced into remedial classes because the teachers would not spend time with them at all. They didn’t want to talk to them or help them. These were the realities I saw my friends face day in and out. It was so sad to me to know that of the 26 people in my high school class the last year I was in Manitoba, only four of us were going to the next grade or graduating. Most dropped out and would come back reluctantly or stay away for good. School was a preview for the way these kids were and still are treated in life. I have seen racism and it’s ugly face was on the persons of my family, my friends and I have felt the shame of it too as well as have been beaten down by it. I feel strongly that people should not be allowed to teach that kind of hatred of anyone for any reason. If you are going to dislike someone do it on a case by case basis.

The worst times I’ve ever had in my life have been because I refuse to judge a culture. I’ve been treated with scorn and suspicion by people who thought I had motives for being friendly. Knowing what I do, I can’t always blame them. But insular groups and communities while wonderful, hardly promote understanding and real tolerance. At one point in my life I was one of 2 white kids in my school. I was the minority. I was harassed and bullied and treated like gold by the teachers. That made things worse. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and I did – a lesson my dad didn’t like me learning. Yet there were so many people I knew then who never learned how to do that. Who have sunken to the lowest expectations that have been placed upon them. You don’t have to be a visible minority to do this, you just have to be a human being with no hope.

There is so little hope in the world these days and I’m not sure why. I think the press and it’s focus on what’s wrong has a hand in that. I think the fact that unbridled greed being proven again and again as the way to win best at business is problematic too. But mostly I think it has to do with consequences. A lot of things get done today without any concern for the consequences. Not many are using their moral compass. Not many are caring for their fellow man. It saddens me, because I am a socialist. I believe that people need to be good to and good with each other. That’s socialism to me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:36 AM

MenTal fUrbAll