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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

30 January 2007

please please tell me now :
Ok so I've been absent, always happens when I get the 6-2.30 shifts because it blows my whole life into a confusing existential realm where there is no time just a series of work related nightmares. Now I'm all days for a couple of weeks. The jet lag of snapping into a new working time zone is killing me. The stupidity of living here is tense and annoying and I get to add to that grief from my sister who is sweating me to give her money.

3 days ago I was disowned because I didn't respond to her email happily volunteering to give them (MUM and SIS) what ever money they needed. Despite the fact I'm saving up for my own reasons and they NEVER pay me back, I get told I'm not being friendly or family like cuz I'm not ponying up to be the bank. I so want to write back that she should get off her lazy ass and get a job somewhere, but that's going to be more grief then necessary. Trust me.

I wrote back saying they aren't friendly or family like only writing to ask for or demand money. I don't have anything to give them and that's all. Oh yes, they are supposedly moving in March and throwing all my stuff out that day. Yeeha.

I didn't really want to blog about how lousy this specific aspect of my life is. I'm becoming the queen of interpersonal drama it seems and I don't like it one bit. It's not fun when the only thing you really have to talk about is the new bullshit your roommates are pulling or the new hell your family is putting you through. I knew this year wasn't going to be spectacular but I wasn't expecting so much drama this early in. It IS drama, when you are disowned and being accused of giving housewares away to your friends. Yes my land lords seem to believe that the missing quiche dish is in fact MY Fault (so says Texas). Apparently since they can't search my room for it I have lent it to someone and don't/can't/haven't gotten it back. It makes me want to throw a damn dollar store quiche dish away every garbage day until there are none left. I mean seriously what am I doing with that fucking useless item of housewares? Smuggling black tar heroine? If you can get 8 for a buck shut the fuck up if one goes missing. I bet it's in Kid M's room with all the other dishes, probably in his mountain of laundry. GO fetch bitches.

Yea so I have nothing good to say so I've been saying nothing at all. I don't want to be deblogrolled so I'm updating you all on the sordid but totally run of the mill BS I'm dealing with this days. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:12 AM

20 January 2007

you take me the way i am :
I've been trying to slowly move myself in a new crisper mental direction. What with the endless whiteboard wars, craptastic working conditions and all the slights perceived and real to myself - I've been throwing about a lot of mental baggage. I've got an interesting quilt going on though, one I will run out of wool for before I'm finished.

It was my birthday Thursday and I met some nice new and creepy new people. I was surprised so many people turned up since most were 'umm I'm not sure if I'll come...'. I got presents and cake, it was the bestest birthday in 20 odd years. I found out most people see themselves as trusting and apparently that makes me suspicious by default. Oh well, it's better for me as I've been taken for many a ride in my short life.

I did realize that my social circle is not the place to find love, that even if it's there it's not the stand up and be known kind so I'm still single and that's like a disease I'll never be cured of I'm sure. In the mean time I'm eveluating my habits and taking stock in the things I've been relying on. If I'm going to move ahead with my fabulous new glass free life where I work out and move on, then I so have to watch myself. I tend to use any excuse to grab a bag of chips, eat an unhealthy amount of anything low on the nutritional scale and generall laze about accomplishing nothing.

With my shifts being so late in the afternoon to start I should be out galavanting around but I'm not. I can blame -27 with the windchill today but there's not much of an excuse for the rest of the days this year where the weather was good and I sat in my room until starting time doing sweet piss all. At least I am aware that I'm taking hte change slow, I am taking it slow as my foot is just coming back online in it's entirety. I am glad to say that the nerve damage I thought I might have appears to have been realted to either the state of my foot at the time or how I was walking on it, as my foot feels fine now. It still has this giant annoying but totatlly unpainful pack of scar tissue in it, but I'll live and I won't even limp.

It's all kind of fun wonderful and I've got stuff to look forward to. I know each new year and situation brings new problems and awesomeness. I'm looking for the glory this year. Even if I have to get an electron microscope I'm going ot find it.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:13 PM

11 January 2007

never understood a single thing he said but i helped him to drink his wine :
I spend my days thinking about me. I have no significant other to think of and that doesn't look to be changing anytime soon. I have no children and chances are I'll never have my own. I might get the chance to raise someone else's but that's a long way off, I can barely support myself in my selfish over comemrcialised ways. I've spent the last 2 days living without my prevacid, which always makes me wonder how I got along without it. I've been told by now professional health freaks that I don't need the pill and that there is no such thing as acid reflux. Tell that to my falming stomache, my burning throat and the constant knawing in my gut. Make sure to say that loud enough that you can convince it to stop doing what it's doing to me.

I've read a bit about acid reflux. I occassionally worry that I will get throat cancer because acid refux can cause a certain type of scar tissue that is a leading idicatior of cancer. I'm not a doctor, I haven't asked to have my throat byopsied or what ever it is they will do. Still fears are fears. I'm trying to trade in the stock and trade BS fears I live with that I live with 24/7, for new funner fears. I'm not stupid, I know I have issues. I'm even thinking of trying to get referred to a shrink so I can talk to someone who has to listen -. but I'm not sure it will help. As it is I know I'm kinda stuck on this part where I suck and I can't convince myself for long that I don't suck. Somewhere along the line I got convinced by other paople that I'm no good and I'm still looking for them to tell me I'm good. Funny thing about externatl validation -> other people tend to not give it to you because they are so busy trying to get it themselves.

I think a lot and I meet a lot of people just like me. I mean we're not twins, but at the end fo the day we have more in common then they want to admit. I spend the 'holiday' season brassed off that many people get all morally superior about themselves and their lives whwn talking to me. I often wish I was a deaf mute around this time, then I wouldn't be able to tell the stories the get me the mpst pathetic trophy for the season. I suppose I should be thankful I can be a shining example of how bad your family isn't. After all my family stopped talking to me for over a month so as not to have to invite me to Christmas, then emailed me to bitch me out for not calling. A week later appologised for bitching me out and then a week after that hit me up for money. Ah family, nothing like the kiss ass and pick pocket to make you remember why you are going with the orphan statement.

Haven't heard from them since I said I don't have any money to 'lend'. I'm pretty sure that I would never have seen that money again. It's pretty much always that way with my family. Lend, never get it back, get bitched out for recalling that you are owed and haven't been repaid, get hit up to lend again, make the shit list for not lending, get hit up again -> it's kinda endless. I know it could be worse, I could have no family to speak of and be wishing I wasn't all alone, but even with my blood relatives I am all alone so therein lies the rub. I'm intolerant of me because my family taught me that's how I need to be treated and I can't seem to get past loathing how they don't tolerate me and not tolerating myself for who I am and MAN am I flawed. So this weeks LOVE is to get my head on straight a bit, I'm working on my mental soundtrack to get it to play a new song. My song. I have to believe I can make my life better because I need it to be better for me. I just want to be happy.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:27 PM

04 January 2007

once, upon a time i could love myself, yeah... :
It's a new year. Some of my favourite bloggers are experiencing good times and some bad. Matthew Good has spoken out about his bipolar disorder and I commend him on that. It's possible my Ex had that, but he refused to seek help of any kind and after a few years in a desperate relationship with someone so unstable and violent I left. If he had tried just once to get help I would have stayed, because I did love him. It's not just misplaced loyalty and finding the paralells in him that fit with my fucked up family and memories of grwing up.

So how do we heal? Some would find it unconscionable that I left someone who had any kind of sickness. Some would think I'm whining about being the victime of a violent drug and alcohol abuser. Some will think I'm looking out for myself and did the right thing. I've thought all of these things myself, so it's only natural that others would think the same. It's all about the spin really. Was my life as a married woman that bad? Not really, being married is a desirable thing for me still because to me it equals stability and I covet that. Being married to the man I was made me physically sick, emotionally unhealthy and was all kinds of mental fun in the panicked, terrifying and paranoid ways.

Why I am bringin this up 14 days before my birthday? Because it matters. I have a sense of holiday loss starting on New Years Eve, 20 years after my dad's death and now I can add to that what might have been in a marriage I really wanted to make work, but left because I didn't sign up to live in a war zone. No one has a perfect life, I really do know this. I make people cringe and look at me funny telling them tales of my growing up. I guess I'm very tales from the dark farm, that's why as a family unit we aren't close. Would someone else find that attractive? So far, not really.

I just got back to the point where I can walk some what normally on my own 2 feet. Sure that was mainly my own fault, but there's a lesson in there somewhere right?
If all of life is teaching us what we need to know, shouldn't we contemplate the lessons a little bit? In the grand scheme of things I know this is sort of a bitch blog. I don't come here to extoll the virtues of truth beauty and shiny happy. I have very rarely written anything when I'm not unhappy in some way. That's just how my muse rolls. Forcing me to get the crap out of my head so I can be something resembling shiny and happy. Apparently my shiny happy isn't all that lustorous. But hey -> I have good teeth :)

So looking back on the last year I didn't do too bad. I got into a roommate situation that seems now like a bad idea. It ebbs and flows on the obsessive neuroses front round here, and we're all kinds broken so it's comfy. I'm being questioned relentlessly about the wiseness of my choice to move in with still other roommates. Less of us, semi relationship of a friend type going on. I know you should never live with your friends. I do, but the gains kinda outweigh the cons for me at this moment. Am I worried a bit that I'm just jumping from the frying pan into the fire? Oh hell yea, but sometimes you have to make the mistake to find out if it's really a mistake and if it's a mistake then you know.

Yea I'm a stealer. Live with it. Am I stoked about my birthday. Yes, I've officially made it to more then twice as old as I would have been if my father had lived to my 18th birthday and enacted his plan to kill me as promised for all of my life. I'm not exactly bathing in the normal reality pool but I'm kind of swimming in new cleaner waters and wondering why I've been thinking all of this life stuff is crap. I get cynical for the holidays and this year I also got a bit convinced that me for me isn't really that pathetic. Why me???? Is so much more pathetic. So if I refrain from the former and go with the YAY ME thing for a while I think I can make it through another single valentines day as a single with a severely dark past. Maybe this year I'll start actually writing all the stories I have to tell. Lord knows my dreams say it's time.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:51 PM

MenTal fUrbAll