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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

30 September 2005

say something good say it's wonderful :
I thought it would be nice to have someone here, hanging out on a permanent basis. Doesn't he look at home? Incase you were wondering it's Wentworht Miller. He's currently starring in Prison Break with Dominic Purcell. I got this picture from http://www.wentworth-miller.net/ and I'll take it down when I'm tired of it or I'm forced to :) Which ever comes first.

I may have found my new hobby, other than applying for any and all jobs in the area that is. I may spend my days looking for pics of people on couches so that I'll always have a person here on my blog, hanging out. It does give me something to look forward to - who came by to see the celeb/couch jockey. I'm not a jealous person so I don't care if you come here only for Mr. Miller either. I still get the page hit and my stat counter going up the ladder to the bigger digits is so happiness inspiring. I am a Wentworth fan, so much so I was rooting for him to kick Joan of Arcadia's ass. Another show that bit the dust before we found out anything we wanted to know.

I'm a fan of so many celebs, so fellas you may see a little lady or two hanging out here in the future. Or I may forget the whole thing. It's a wait and see sort of thing. You know me, all whims and no planning. Anyways I'm sitting here thinking who the hell was John Doe anyways? Is LOST going to stop repeating large amounts of the previous week's show in every new show, or are they trying to make it look like what Survivor crossed with a soap opera would look like? Why did they kill off Vaughn/Michaud? With Greg Grunenberg potentially leaving too, there goes a lot of the funness. I like these guys for their foilness and their sheer silliness. Check the Soundbite Heaven to know what I really mean. Plus it's so lame to have a "you killed my baby daddy!" revenge/self protection storyline driving this season. Let's face it Sydney is a spy and therefore she will never be safe, someone will always want her dead. No amount of math problem solving decryption skills or ass kicking abilities/bullet resistant glass/ancient texts or prophecies will change that. It's the way spies are written, you never walk away from it, it always kills you. Now I'm just waiting to see how creatively she will die.

I don't like Stuart Townsend too much but I will watch the Night Stalker a bit and see what's going to happen with that. I'm still not feeling the re-vibed CSI, though I'm glad they kept that Eckley reject CSI and made her a cop (don't remember her name). I loved the use of the song in this weeks' episode, but I'm thinking the click is gone and the series is spinning a little on how to keep everyone on and still keep it interesting. See, I like the stories fine, but I also like to get to know the characters as well and in that CSI is getting a bit ER. No one has left *yet* but it's feeling like all this is leading to something that may be the George Clooney moment of the original series. I'm projecting I know, but I have a feeling. Loving the funness of CSI New York tho, nice digs there.

I'm soon off to walk to work. It's been a cold day and the freaks running the asylum still haven't gotten around to providing keys to the doors. I know I sound ultra paranoid, but no one gets between me and my stuff, especially out of premeditated acts of indecipherable bureacracy. I have yet to give up on the key thing though, so the little brain deader in charge of that department hasn't heard the last of me by far. Oh and I was so happy to see the Russian Cosmonaut from Armageddon (don't know his name either) being perfectly creepy as a mobster cutting off Wenworth's toes. A bevvy of fave men on one show :) James Denton will always be Mr. Lyle to me. He does psycho good :)

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:29 PM

29 September 2005

i'll never build you up only to tear you down :
"Breath" - Swollen Members(feat. Nelly Furtado)
[Nelly Furtado]
I'm alive
I can feel the blood
Rushin thru my veins
And that's all I need to know
Cuz I'm not lookin for a change
Cuz I got friends and enemies
But it just dont bother me
Cuz as long as I believe
I can breath!
[end of chorus]

So I have this weird DVD player that starts playing the DVD right away. That's good if you're not much on watching the commercials and trailers on the disks. It's bad if you're like me and buy box sets and want to watch the episodes in order because it always starts with the last episode on the disk. I find it very annoying. If I had the entertainment centre of my dreams I could have these problems erased but my life is a makeshift house of cards these days.

I have been busy, I have applied to 10 jobs in the last 2 days and I think that I may actually hear back from one of the places. It turns out that here in booneyville, employers hold any job you currently have against you. So I may have to redo my resume to read as if I'm unemployed to even get a shot at being called. There's stupidity everywhere and this is just more proof of it. To combat it I've been playing with the page and I just love me some marquees.

RaJ - I can help you out with the code for the bars and the marquee if you like. It's ok, I like to share :)

My building has gone and changed the locks to the side doors as well but I don't have a key and I'm not happy with that. It doesn't make sense to me that I can't get in to my own building because they are stupid. I also don't trust totally electronic anything. If they fail we are all locked out and that doesn't hold with me. I'm seriously thinking of moving this place is starting to seem more like a jail then a housing unit. A jail with insane people with no sense of reason running it.

I also want to say that I dislike calling and leaving messages for business people who never return them. It's bad business to be unavailable 24/7, whether you are a hit man or just a lowly government grunt. Speaking of which I applied to be a garbage woman, for 3 more dollars an hour I can get up way early and heft trash. It'd be a change and currently I'm not so much caring what my resume looks like to employers. I mustn't be very good because no one calls and the employment places so don't help with making it any better. I hate looking for work!!!!!!!!

The other day I was walking to work. I do that now with my CD player and the weirdest soundtracks ever burned. I had the distinct feeling that I was getting shorter and less with every step. I walk to work about 4.45 each day and the only colour that jumps out at me is the green on the grass lining the sidewalks all the way to the main intersection - about half way. All the houses on the other half of the way, the ones that stand out anyways, are all white with black shutters. Some days I feel like I'm floating to work with my soundtrack. I don't even feel my feet hitting the ground. Other days I feel 10 feet tall and then sometimes I feel like I'm shrinking. I don't know if it's beating myself into the ground or just feeling weighed down by my really big head.

The day is gray today and cold, I'm going to go get ready to go to work. Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:02 PM

28 September 2005

I’m a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again :
I hate Bell Canada. Monopolies suck and I don't care how nice their people are. I'm pissed. They've been fucking me around for months and now I owe them almost a hundred bucks. Why? Because they are big fat billingual illiterate assholew ho have been lying to me for months. So they could collect late charges and multiply my debt with their legislated stupidity. If I was a mad bomber kaboom Bell Canada. They SO deserve it, I'd make sure the people were gone, but the conglomerate needs a wake up call fer sure. I wish Bell bankruptcy and total dissolution. I think the Canadian government is stupid for privatizing everything else but the damn phone service and we can't do any better than BELL? It so TOTALLY sux I want to get head cancer just to spite them with the oldest mouldiest cell ever made. Just gotta find one.

Anyways I've discovered fun with scroll bars. I could never make the hide and seek post thing work but I've finnagled scrollbars. I went a bit over the top with them but I figured I'd add this scrolling lyrics box that takes way too long to load and then I decided scrollbars do the same thing in an interactive (manual labour)type way. I make no appologies for the fact that the bars appear as a hideous combo of maroon and green in Internet Explorer. I didn't notice that for the longest time because I use Firefox not IE. Now that I do know I can't fix it because I like the garishness - so if enough people complain I may be finding time to fix the glaringly ugly :)

One day I'll figure out how to have a stationary background with a scrolling overlay and it'll be pure chaos here :) It'll actually be pretty. In the meantime I have to go to sleep on time and make an effort to get up and look for another job and all that fun, the stuff I don't really wanna do. I think I want to devolve and become a real hardcore slacker, the kind that needs a kit kat break from the long day of doing fuck all. Can you tell I haven't had a real vacation since 1991?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:54 AM

even when you've paid enough been put upon or been held up :
Well there are these guys at work who decided to put up a stink about the PCed peanut butter and jam day at work. The girls gossiped as usual about the whole affair, how it was blown out of proportion and caused the day to turn el stupido. The guys, they took it to a whole new level.

I know there are people with very serious allergies to nuts and even the slightest exposure is very bad. I also know there is no such person at my workplace. If there was we would not have peanut products available in the vending machines and every new hire would have to be informed that bringing peanut butter sandwhiches and or nuts and such is a NO NO. This is not the case. However when work decided to make nice to the tortured employees with a peanut butter and jam day, someone went on a rampage about their allergy to peanut butter.

So the peanut butter was cancelled. Replaced by honey and bananas. Then a stink was made how diabetics could not eat any of that. So 2 jars of sugar free jam were supplied but never eaten. The 24 loaves of white bread supplied were pretty much used well, but I don't eat white bread unless I have to and I didn't. There was even PC margarine there for those who can't eat bread without butter, Don't get me started on jams and butter/margarine. YUCK.

The real stink ensued when these three guys, all at different times, felt compelled to come by and tell me how pathetic that the whole PC day was. The first a little guy, very nice, having bread, margarine and jam. He's on about how they go to all this trouble to provide us a treat, kill the peanut butter for the one person who DIDN"T EVEN BOTHER TO COME TO WORK TODAY ANYWAYS. He's telling me like I know who he's even talking about. Then comes guy 2, taller, louder, word for word diatribe of small guy's. Small guy cuts off tall with an "Are you alright? Are you gonna be alright?" Tall guy pipes down. Doesn't mention the whole bit about the allergic one being nowhere around. Guess he doesn't know that person either. Last guy comes. Curses the lack of peanut butter and how it's against ELVIS to just have a banana and bread sandwhich. Yea I said Elvis.

So I'm sitting there wondering if I wanted to email management and tell them I break out in hives when I eat the Texas carrot muffins do you think they'd force the food people to stop bringing them and maybe we'd get chocolate ones more often? Or maybe just plain carrot. I have no problem with plain old anying muffins. But those Texas carrot ones, no matter where I get them from, give me hives everytime.

So there you go RaJ the PCed PB&J story. Tall guy is on my team and he lives alone, he was telling someone on the phone the other day. I am scoping the guys at work, there bas to be someone there I can grow a crush on. Then at least I'd be doing something constructive with my time, something based in reality. Plus I'm so cute right now, I've caught the eye of the office flake and potential cross dresser and this tall young thing with a growing out mohawk and a newly minted non smoker status. If I keep it up I may be able to attract the eye of someone I'd even want to talk to.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:50 AM

27 September 2005

if you tolerate this then your children will be next :
Blogging is a vanity pursuit. Bloggers write to get comments, make friends and get page hits. Unless you're me. I seem to do it to play with page colours and drive people away from the site. I have nothing too exciting to write about. I'm waiting for the building people to come by and change the apartment locks. This week is a good time, two weeks ago if they had succeeded in changing the locks - I would have been locked out of my apartment. Oh so much fun.

Everyone tells me they don't know how I can live in my apartment. It's essentially a box with a seperate bathroom and 2 closets. It's small and it's full of my stuff. I'm not as much of a pack rat as I used to be but I still have a lot of stuff. I did get around to cleaning out that storage closet this weekend. Pulled a couple of muscles doing it too, but hey - I've got my living room back.

My horoscope siad I'd be doing something unusual and daring soon. I'm hoping it's right, I need a change of pace. Work isn't killing me now, it's just boring me into mediocrity and I know all the television watching isn't helping but I'm far removed from the social scene with my new hours and lack of seeing anybody. Funny how a social scene deteriorates when you're not there 24/7. My popularity has again died. It could be worse, I could have the cold that everyone else has - but I'm starting to think that it's a kissing disease and since no one's kissing me I'm immune.

I've noticed at work that there's this younger girl who has old lady hair. Her hair looks like it's drier than the sahara. I's not even over processed because it's not good looking enough to have been dyed, it may be suffering severe heat damage but I'm not asking. I only notice because she's one of those girls that has tonnes of hair, that she throws over the back of her chair like it's a coat or something. I have no idea why someone would grow their hair that long if they can't stand it. Honestly cut the stuff the way that makes you happy instead of torturing it into a sad parody of mannequin hair that's so dull and lifeless that even the most vain lady would choose to wear a wig over sporting that hair. That grey, limp, frazzled, unhappy and scarily old looking hair.

Done now. Tomorrow, maybe, the men of the workplace and their take on the PCed PB&J Day.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:58 AM

25 September 2005

this weeks' mental playlist :
I'm a pill I know. I've been screwing around with the colours here and I may get around to actually following in Sandra's footsteps and learning about CSS too. Not sure if that will happen, but we all have dreams right?

The Top Ten:

10) circle - big head todd and the monsters
9) give you back - vertical horizon
8) x-ray queen - the deftones
7) stay (far away so close) - u2
6) doesn't remind me - audioslave
5) had a bad day - fuel
4) c'mon c'mon - the von bondies
3) wonderdrug - jann arden
2) til it shines - lyle lovett
1) love will save the day - david usher

"Love Will Save The Day"

The pornography made me do it
So those drugs that got us high
Was the thoughts of revolution
They've been poisoning my mind
So i'm walking down to the water
You keep coming up for air
All those people, they don't give a damn
They just stood around and stare
And I say

Love will save the day [x4]

Come on sell me more of your religion
'cause it's sure to make a change
Last night god was on the tv screen
Taking dollars for their pain
Come on talk about that evolution
It's been poisoning my mind
I've been looking for a saviour
I've been waiting for a sign
And I said

Love will save the day [x4]

I am walking
I am breathing
I can't feel you
I can't set you free

Love will save the day
If love will save the day [x2]
If love will save today

Maybe tomorrow [x10]
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:59 PM

24 September 2005

it seems you and me are forgetting something :
I beleive in many things. If I was around back in the day I probably would have been following the prophets, Jesus or maybe even the Israelites around trying to figure out their scene. I'm a believer in many things. I believe in Evil. I believe in Good. I believe in people. I NEVER believed I would get married. I really believed no one would ever want me.

As of 21st September it's been 3 years I've been married to my EX. I'm not divorced yet, the mandatory seperation is just barely over and I don't have the money to file the paperwork. I do feel like letting him pay for it, but I know this marriage will go on inderterminably if I wait for him to do anything. He's not the one. I'm still looking. It makes me so sad to have failed at my marriage. Mostly because I did NOT want to be right about no one being able to love me. This is where the self fulfilling prophecy shit really bites you in the ass. There I said it - the source of my depression. I can believe in anything but I don't have any faith in me.

I'm struggling with my eternal lack of faith - the super powerful self loathing I have, these days. I know I'm worthwhile and beautiful, if derranged and messed up - it's all superficial because I have a giant heart and I'm a real good person. Thing is - I lost myself for a while back there, had just started finding myself and then I threw it all away to be with a guy who married me and then became the worst possible version of himself he could be. I was cheated, but I can't sue him for fraud. Over here in Back To The Pits Scared Bunny says women marry wanting to change the guy. Uh uhn. I married hoping he would never change (for the worse at least) and he married me hoping I'd turn into June Cleaver with a total lobotomy.

Yea so I can't honestly tell you what he was thinking, but I'm sure it looked something like BIG STUPID CASH COW HERE!!!!! Hell I was the SUCKER born that minute. I was had. I feel bad. I have all the wedding trinkets packed in a box waiting to be burned, burned as soon as the ink dries on the divorce decree and not a moment before - because that guy isn't coming back on me for anything. I have so much paperwork on him I'd make him wish he'd chosen death by paper cut as an option in the til death do us part. Bitter and acrimonious oh HELL Yea, but from a distance because he and his clan are a bunch of dyed in the wool PSYCHOS.

So I've been down, I've been bummed and lonely. I'm trying to make it onto the comeback trail because I really do whole heartedly and with utter abbandon believe that things will only get better and that I will find my guy. He's out there somewhere wondering where the hell his tv loving geek gal is. If you seen him, tell him I'm way educated, cute, funny and willing to travel. Thanks.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:34 PM

'cause i've been known to get it wrong :
It's cold outside today. Unless you are standing directly in the sun. I'm not working. I need the me time and the time to organise my house. Incase you haven't guessed my place is the dumping ground of my friends. I now have 2 13 inch mono tv's and 2 digital cable boxes and 2 printers and no room in my living room because I also have a second computer monitor here. I'm so full of stuff I have nowhere to put, it's not funny.

I wanted to clean out the storage closet and get rid of stuff this weekend. Now I have twice as much stuff to get rid of. Funny how junk multiplies out of good intentions. By this time next month I'll also have a second hand stereo and a new CDR-RW I pray. It took an hour and a half to install my printer today, that's how well the one I have now works. It's a total piece of shit. Really, I'm not lying. It's been so since I got the tower but I didn't care because I had another one. I need to go get that back from my evil sister.

I had some deep thoughts the other night but I've put them aside so I can be fluffy and all about cleaning and having pizza with the girls later (if they remember). Either way I have laundry to do and some movies to get and some chips to snack on. Ah beer budget dreams. How I've missed thee.

So I thnk I snapped out of my funk, but we'll see if that's right later on when work comes a calling again. I don't like the idea of going there and I'm so bored when I am there but it's money right and that puts all my second hand goods in the living room and food on the table right? I thought so.

I'm not sure where the new season of Lost is going with crazy irishmen and bizarre abductions. I'm probably not going to keep up with watching America's Next Top Model, but I'll read the summaries on my tv guide pages. I'm wondering how long they're going to keep the mystery of the second hand that buried Nick Stokes going and I can't wait to find out what Logan did this summer on Veronica Mars.

I'd give it all up for a good date but that's not happening anytime soon. Mostly because I never go out to the 20 something infested bars. I'm not cougar enough to find it exciting to pick up the young guys around here. Damn skippy I'm a bit put off by the age difference, especially since the guys are all 19-22 that are showing interest. It wouldn't be too bad except I feel bad becaues they are so young, it's like I'm babysitting them or something. I really need to wrinkle up or something, so I look older and I can then attract guys closer to my age, at least ones I won't feel guilty about. And I'm thinking that looking a bit older would be good to get the adulterers off my case too, because I'm not a cheater and I ain't cheating with you.

I know, I know. When the time is right it'll happen. Now if only I wasn't so impatient. Know where I can get one of those virtue implants everyone has been talking about? Well they should be talking about it, it would be cool don't cha think? Anyways I'm off to clean and organise my world.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:58 PM

23 September 2005

2 Shy :
I've wondered today if there's like a whole untapped market in personal validation. I think someone could really make a killing handing out hugs and congratulations for being a great you, for a small fee of course. It's seeming the world is very short on these things, especially the workplace. I think, aside from those people they hire to make sure everyone is maximizing company profit and that redundancy is removed, the most important person would be the positive feedback person. Of course there's always a negative feedback person. But really I think there ought to be a person/persons out there whose job it is to tell you what you DO right.

I have to go to bed a plumber is coming WAY EARLY tomorrow and I'm sure I'll be in an 8 am coma all day from that, but I have decided to give myself Saturday off. I'll just have to live with the -75 dollar crimp in my budget. Anyways. I may write more tomorrow, I'm getting over my new shift jet lag again and almost geared up to do something real with my time. In the meanwhile feel free to appoint yourself the positive feedback person and tell someone something good. I'm gonna say - right now I'm so happy I thought of this.

Thanks for reading and you're such a groovy person!!

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:10 AM

21 September 2005

now we grieve cause now is gone :
My kitchen sink is leaking and the super is nowhere to be found. I'm wondering when this shit is going to stop, walking into water pools in the darkness is just not thrilling. I've been living in my head again and it's coming out here. I'd appologise but you're humouring me so I'll just leave it at that. What I know is that I'm a different person when I'm caught up inside my head then when I'm in the world. It's weird, but I don't write and I don't socialise or even really live when I'm living in my head. It's only when I write that I connect again and sometimes I'm so jolted by the reconnect. It's like stepping into cold, gooey pools of water in the dark. Weird, disorienting and kinda gross.

It's still warmer than normal here, which makes it hard to figure out whether a sheet is ok or if there's a blanket required. My life is such simple things and the craziness that's inherent in the terminally underwhelmed. I'm not sure what I've been dreaming about, but I don't ever want to wake up these days so I'm guessing it's good.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:27 PM

20 September 2005

through early morning fog i see visions of the things to be :
Ever had someone get mad at you because you didn't call or come over - but you never made plans? Apparently I have a girlfriend. A desperate, needy, unwanted girlfriend. The kind who thinks we're joined at the hip and is disappointed when I don't turn up on my days off, or any old time I'm not working really. I've inherited someone I used to be. I'm so ashamed.

I can remember feeling all lost and dejected when my high school friends wouldn't spend time with me on the weekends, or like anythime outside of school. I was a smotherer. I grew out of it. I have now to deal witht he karma of that phase. I got a call after, oh so sadly JD Fortune won the Rockstar competition. I'm NOT going to buy that album and I'm telling you JD is arrogant enought to quit the band as soon as he possibly can. Better have an ironclad contract on his ass boys, he thinks his shit don't stink. Anyways I get a call from chile. She's scaring me with her utter desperation. She's broke and had her furniture and fridge and stove repossessed and I feel bad for her. Yet there is this big voice in my head saying don't get suckered here, she did this to herself. That's right, I said it. I'm blaming the unfortunate soul for her bad luck. I feel bad for her, but I can't help her out of her situation. I have no money to lend her, I can lend her my time and attention, but I needed some me time to veg and that so I wasn't around being a groupie today.

I LOVE Jason Lee. I watched My Name Is Earl instead of the first half hour of BB6's finale. I couldn't have cared less who won really, neither of them was the best player cuz BB6 has gone all Survivor and the best players get voted off as soon as the halfwits realize they got game. I'm officially giving BB up, I can't honestly say I care whether that show has more twists than every roller coaster on earth, it's really too beyond lame to even get guilty pleasure status anymore. I'm glad Kate was on NCIS, really sweet her many faces. I'm all wondering what's next. Oh hell, Tuesdays are going to be hard on my VCR, I'll tell ya that now.

Not sure I'm liking Bones the character. I like David Boreanaz, but I've said it before and I'll say it again - making the strong woman lead any combination of scary, overly conforntational, unfriendly, cold or a bitch doesn't win me over. Hell it doesn't win me over for the male lead either, so there. I am into How I Met Your Mother simply for Neil Patrick Harris' over-the-topness. I'm looking forward to the next Threshold, wondering if I'll like Invasion and sad I missed Surface. I'm watching Supernatural and Wanted tonight, taped them. I'm missing Rescue Me tho, and I love Dennis Leary. I'll wait for the reruns I guess. Always reruns on Showcase. I'm trying to check all the new and glorious out while I continue to support the shows I like. It's gonna be hard. Everything is triple booked on some days, but I'm hoping to see every show once and then, if not again, remembering what was worhtwhile for reruns summer. I'm so ambitious!

Now if only my job hunting was panning out like the fall schedule is. I'd be so happy. I'm way to lacadasical about all that I think, but I'll get over it I'm sure. Eventually I'll work myself outta my fall funk and become the working through Christmas again money maker I am wanting to be. Wish me interviews.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:40 PM

in love, in fear, in hate, in tears :
Somewhere out there someone wonders why the hell I'm a slave to tv. It's simple really. Tv never lets me down. It's always there; it never called me names, ignored me or made me feel bad about myself. People have done that to me in spades. Tv is pure fantasy (the stuff I like anyways) and the people I can relate to in different ways. On tv everyone is flawed. In real life no one will show you his or her flaws, and therefore you are hardly ever meeting the real person. Me, I'm all flaws and I don't care. I have no tact, no inner sensor (he/she quit it was too much work) and I'm over sensitive - so I can be a real treat to meet.

I tend get offended when people suggest I'd work well with a bunch of men because I'm straight up and swear like a sailor. If I offend you tell me, don't allude to the fact that I'm being a man/manly/unladylike with such a dumbass crack. There's nothing wrong with being blunt about stuff or swearing. What offends me is that that behaviour doesn't automatically mean the place I should find happiness is in the CN rail yard with a bunch similarly talking guys. Last time I checked I'd held down an office job for over 7 years and had NOT ONE complaint about my attitude, language or suitability. Why then would I want to give up a cushy office job to spend my time cursing? I have a life and it includes ALL the college Adverbs.

It has come to my attention that this behaviour does cause people to fear you. I am not the run of the mill girl. I get mad, when I'm mad. I look, act and talk mad. I scare the crap outta people. I find it amusing, all this time I've been denying my fearsomeness and yet I've seen it in action. Recently I've become proud of that, but not in the wow I can get my way through scary bitchiness. Rather I'm proud of it in the way that makes me aware that I have that 'power' and must try not to use it for evil. It bothers me when people say I'm scary, because I'm such a nice give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back type of person. I have this hard time realizing that people, trying so hard to protect themselves and put on a show of their best, don't look at me and know that what they see is what they get. They look at me and wonder if I'm putting on a mask for the world like they are. They try to guess my game, they judge me. I'm really just coming to this right now, been on another planet for quite some time I guess.

So I'm wondering more these days how others perceive me. I used to obsess about how I was seen, but I know now people aren't looking as closely at me as I am at them. I am being judged on assumptions of who I am based on my clothes, my address, my education, my size, my language and my anger. I am not being taken at my word. I am not being paid attention to in the way that will let people know what to expect of me. I am being statisticised and quantified and weighed through a myriad of filters and I wonder what that makes me into in the end.

I know how I am. More than that I KNOW WHO I AM. I know what I can do. I'm not at all sure of how to make that clear to the others in the world around me. I'm feeling rather like an alien life form because I'm too simple. I never learned the games and the rules and I don't know how to play, which makes it easy to be played. I'd worry about that but I just don't care because I'm way better at forgetting about people that piss me off then the world would give me credit for, or that I even give myself credit for. I used to think if someone wasn't thinking about me I didn't exist to them. I know now if I'm not thinking about someone they cease to exist for me. If I forget you, you will never be remembered. Somehow I can personally erase people from my mind, it's so very Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind of me. It is the reason I don't miss people and that I can't even remember/picture what my EX's face looks like. I rarely ever dream of people I know personally, especially men. Usually I dream of complete strangers and celebrities. No one I know outside of seeing them.

You know who I am right? I'm the ultra approachable girl that you ask the time of, directions from, or assume I work in the store you're in and ask me the where abouts/prices of things. I'm the one you forget as soon as you walk away, I blend in, I bleed off. You always notice me, walking along while you drive by, you watch me go until you're gone by, then forget I was even there. I have smiled at you. I have changed your life and you will never be the same, but we will forget each other in another moment. In the blink of an eye.

I don't live for you. I live for me and I'm a slave to my vices. I'm a slave to tv. Tv loves me. It's always trying to program stuff I'll watch because I am everybody. I don't discriminate. I am every demographic. I am complete and in that I am everything and nothing. I am everyone and no one. I can be what ever I choose, even if I can't make up my mind. Do you know me? I am you. You have been me at one time; maybe you are me right now. We all share the basics of humanity. So when you see me, the angry, swearing blunt girl - smile at me. I've always got a smile for you.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:55 PM

19 September 2005

all the things you hide from me all the shit that you do :
The EX has turned up again. Demanding money he already said I didn't have to pay him back. I'd like to be magnanimous and give him the money, but he'd come back for more. The email actually says if I already paid to disregard it. Like he doesn't know if I paid or not. I didn't pay the money back, I didn't have it and then he called me up and told me I had told him I was never repaying it anyways. Since I hadn't spoken to him in months (I don't call or write or anything)I hadn't said anything of the sort. He told me since I was never going to give it back he had given up and it wasn't an issue anymore. He wasn't expecting and didn't want it back. We were calling it even. Fast forward 4 months and he's trying to scare it out of me.

Must have lost his job or his girlfriend, or both. Maybe mommy and daddy cut him off. Not a good time to come looking for money from me. Loser does it with this important sounding email too, like sounding like a bill collector will make me give money to him. What an ass. I'm not afraid, what's he going to do sue me? I'll counter for the cost of the divorce, half the furniture and every liquor charge on my credit cards ever. Have no idea if that would fly, but it adds up to WAY more than he says I owe him. Add in travel and accomodations and it'd be a bad idea all the way around.

Why is it whenever you feel life is finally kissing you on the cheek, it turns around and bitch slaps you in the face. Why doesn't he just die already? Then I could be a merry widdow :)

Ah Mondays, always a kick in the face, no matter how you slice it I find. I hope he just forgets I exist. I hope a lot, mostly that he just goes away and never comes back, ever. That he forewards ready to sign divorce papers to me and they say he'll never bother me ever again EVER. And that his entire family will NEVER come near me EVER again. It seems so long ago but just like yesterday I'm unhappy all over again. See fear is a stronger force on memory than even scent. I fear the stupidity and ugliness and violence that man and his wacko family can bring to my life. I also fear that I'll never be rid of his money grubbing ass. He's a liar and I should have known he would come back for that money, even after he said he didn't want it back. There's no such thing as even in his world. There's always someone who owes him something that he's going to get back. Must be my turn on the Asshole-Go-Round.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:19 PM

18 September 2005

if i ever lose my faith in you :
I was away at a sleep over in what can best be described as a place that shall never be again. I saw Ladder 49, I saw an episode of Entourage, I saw Exit Wounds and I saw a lot of bad tv otherwise. We could argue of the gloriousness of the aforementioned movies/shows - but nah. They were the highlights. There were many lowlights and the ever present thrum, clatter and blaring horns of trains. I think to sum up, I'll say I spent my day off on the wrong side of the tracks.

Onto the Mental Playlist, on time again. I have the luxury of time now, at least the time to think about things and pursue that thought to the end. That'll last until I get another part time or one replacement full time job I suppose. I'm still hepped up about this new status, let's see how long it takes to become a drag shall we?

10) blasphemous rumours - depeche mode
9) mr. brightside - the killers
8) alright - pilate
7) we r in need of a musical revolution - esthero
6) soul child - paul brady
5) summer son - texas
4) the one i love - david gray
3) alright - supergrass
2) trees - marty casey
1) let go - frou frou

"Let Go"

Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

[background sounds]

So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

In the breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
The breakdown

So amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:15 PM

16 September 2005

it's hard to even want to try :
Dear esteemed readers I am, according to all, an idiot. A big ass fool at least, to take part time work and sanity as my ideals. I am being maligned by coworkers as feeble minded and at best overly hasty for not waiting to hear about the incentives for outbound, the hours or the training. Excuse me, but do we work for the same place, cuz I'd swear we do and that place is full of shit.

Anyways I am not overly optimistic. I am just here, in the void, my absence of everything-I-thought-was-important. Here I am realizing that I don't need the fulltime work to get by. I have rent geared to income which, right now, allows me to live comfortably with the fluctuation. I may be filled with the evil firey glee of telling management what to do, but I feel in control of things right now too. And all the nay saying head shakers aren't deterring me from the feeling of power I have. Step one, take action. Step two, take charge.

So I'm wondering if I'll have a grand plan for self employment come to me in the next while, or just another part time opportunity that I can use to bolster my life with. I'm feeling good right now, hoping it lasts. I'm probably going to have fucked up dreams tonight cuz I watched Threshold. Seriously fun stuff there, I like. Ok so they have the whiny freshman from Felicity pretending he's some ubergeek scientist, but I can live with that. It's cool, my new Friday fave. Props to Carla G and Brent Spiner- the always cool. BTW welcome to Friday, since I firmly believed it was Thursday all day long (NO CSI last night did NOT sway me from this idea) I was happy to find out at about 7PM that it was Friday and I have only one more day of sales BS to contend with. Yeeha!!!!!!!

I'd like to say sales is my calling, I can sell people stuff because I'm a people person and a nice person and I know stuff about stuff, but as far as aggressive sales and the extra hutzpah you need to be a top notch raker in of the cash - I don't have it. I don't wanna have it and I consider the pursuit of it meaningless, futile and counterproductive. It's just me tho, I don't want it. I was born without tact and a need to compete. Oh sure I really need to get a need to compete, it would double my drive and determination and my desire to get things done would only get better with that. Thing is, I'm not so much caring about all the things the world told me I need right now. I'm suddenly really wondering what it is I really do need.

Right now I need sleep. And Lyvvie, so sorry it took so long to answer you - za is short for Pizza :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:29 PM

looking for a place to happen making stops along the way :
Oops. My bad. Did I TELL management what to do? Tee HEE. Was I really unprofessional with my email (no cussing, just direct to the point what I wanted - I DID TELL Management what to do)?? I do NOT appologise for that. Mangement DID NOT appologise for it's unprofessional behaviour either. We're square on that*. I was forgiven for my emotionalism (is this a word???) and given the camapign switch to parttime hours. And I was SURE I'd be fired. Go FIGURE.

* in this case two wrongs make a detente.

Other than that I'm peachy keen, sitting in telemarketer hell with people who have things to lose so they won't quit; they'll just continue to be screwed around. Top off the high drama yesterday with the fact my team leader went around announcing how I forced management to move me by threatening to quit. I caused quite a stir I did, and I've been told that my team leader could be written up for what I heard him say on the floor. Guess what for? THAT's RIGHT - being UNPROFESSIONAL!!!!!!!!!! OMG!

I was VERY Good. I didn't argue, fuss, fume, swear or even give my oppinion (let's quit while we're still getting money shall we - the faculties). I am sorta bragging about my coup, apparently I'm a valued employee, or I just scare the crap outta people. Either one is working for me right now. And since I have a choice to work Saturdays I can have 2 days off if I like, I'm not forced into all 6 days :) So not only do I have an unchanging schedule - 5.30-11.30 pm Mon-Fri, I can have a full weekend as well. OOH EEH. I've got time to look for another job now. Man.

So that's the update for today. I may be back but I make no promises, I maybe unpredictable like that ok :) Premieres have started and I'm all screwed up over how to watch it all- still. I already missed Bones and Supernatural. I did get to see Nick Stokes do his death march again on Quentin Tarantino's CSI :) He lives, but ALAS - my fern has died. I'm thinking I should throw it out but I don't have a new one to put in it's place.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:55 AM

15 September 2005

it's a recipe for disaster :
Ok so back to normal blogging, a pipe dream I know. I quit my job last night. I got sneak attack voluntold I'm a telemarketer now and this is my hours. I FLIPPED. I said switch me to a differnt campaign or take this as my notice. I'm expecting to be told to eat shit.

So for breakfast I've had 4 quarts of super pissed off and some frosted mini wheats. I've applied to another local job and am considering working at the corner convenience store if they'll have me. I was Roaring last night. I swore a bluestreak on the floor for like 20 minutes and that alone can get me fired. But I SO DON'T CARE. I can't care about a place that doesn't care about me. And they don't, bad employer. BAD EMPLOYER!!! Oh they so don't want me to fill out that 50 best companies survey now. But I will, screw this being nice shit.

I have to reign it in til Saturday night, after taht I will have made it through the week and have an entire paycheque for the end of the month. So I'll be welfare free and able to look for work without hinderance for a while. If I'm real unlucky I'll be screwed for the end of OCtober and I'll have to go on the dole to make ends meet, so wish me service industry jobs so my university educated ass can still eat ok??? If you know anyone who's hiring for an office position let me know I can run an office, and I don't mean into the goround either. I can also run a radio station. And Sarcastrix I was serious when I said I need you to rewrite my resume. Then maybe I can find a hell hole I can stand.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:23 AM

13 September 2005

i just want something i can never have :
I'm back, didja miss me? Incase anyone wondered - I don't watch sports, so all the football excitement and future references to Superbowl commercials will be lost on me. I like football movies, I'm bored by footbal games. And I have been to them and I have frozen for the team and I have been sick because of it, for the sake of my friends. Never again, don't care how good looking the next football loving guy is - really.

I went to work. I came home. I returned the rented, but late movies and the nice cashier killed the late fees and I didn't ask/beg/bribe. I went prepared to pay and I came away with money in hand. More or less. I got pop tarts and a pepsi lime ok? I'm having a junk food dinner because I'm lazy and I can. Let's hear it for heatwave 2005 revisited - where no one wanting to eat will ever cook again. EVER. I'll be sweating it in the crazy sheets later on, because it's a freaking heatwave.

I didn't get a digital camera yet. I did get a new(is) printer/ scanner/ photocopier. Which means I can scan pics I already have and there fore I could put some old pics of me up. Since I look nothing today like I did way back when it's a safe bet only my closest family could use the pics to pick me out of a lineup now, and even that IS debatable.

It's amazing to me how many people are having birthdays this time of year. I whine because I'm a dead of winter January girl, born on the evilest of working days - Monday!!!!!!! - to boot. I'm not sure what if anything will happen for my birthday, but the people formerly referred to as my family (I'm told real family doesn't act like them so I'm giving into the Prince thing and renaming them) have decided that I'm now invited to Christmas but even if I decide to buy them presents (and I'd better) I will not/should not/cannot expect to get anything form them PERIOD. OOH. See I was UNCLEAR about THAT, thanks for the heads up.

I want to say to my best friend from college the card is in the mail, hope it gets there by Friday. You share the birthday (I think I may be wrong about the day) with that unfortunate fugly frenemy girl. Unlike her you always have time for me. She, on the other hand, has loads of time for me now that the boys of summer are gone. I'm sorry Opaco - I don't know who won Canadian Idol, it was too boring to bear once Amber Fleury left. CTV.ca is the best way to find that out. I'm already wondering what from this season I will miss beacuse my new shift is going to be 3.30 to midnight for 4 months (unless something GREAT happens).

I'm going to be stretched getting the lowdown and copy of everything I want to see. I'm only now realizing the Earl (Jason Lee) will butt heads with NCIS (Mark Harmon!!!!!!) and me with one vcr and such a pathetic social life I'm filling up my free time with tv. Not to diss my social life but half of it moves to Montreal the end of next week, th other half is tied down by massively over protective parents now, and y - the disappeared; returned to the scene with a new man and no time for socailness. Yea she's that kinda girl. Really aren't we all in some way?

Keep blogging.

This just crossed my mind:
IF I was one dimensional, would I be thinner? So thin I'd be see through, like onion paper? I used that to trace things when I was younger and I wanted to draw the picture perfectly. Always been a perfectionist :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:21 PM

12 September 2005

i wanted to believe in something :
Yes I know, the mental playlist is late - again. But I did warn y'all alst week that I'm all shook up with this work rearrangement. Anyhoo how was your weekend? Mine's not quite over yet.

Yesterday I was snookered into helping with the total cleaning of pt's old aprtment. It was supposed to be a trip to the movies the evolved into do this for me and I'll take you to my birthday dinner. Funnily enough I'm the ONLY friend of hers that showed up to help. Her other best friend got to come to dinner anyways and I had to hear all about that party last weekend that I was invited to but never actually picked up for. Yea it was definitely making me feel like CHUMPy the friend here.

I didn't get called in advance of the seige of clean so I was laying in bed just waking to the day when I get a call saying they're in town and coming to get me. SO off I went with no breakfast and no time to do anything but get dressed and grab myself the essentials and go. In the end we didn't even get pt the DQ cake, she wouldn't have it (they got her and her brother a chocolate cake - and I'm sure she told me anything BUT chocolate). I ended up getting her 2 bags of candy and a 5 Alive drink for her presents. Yea I feel special.

Way before this all went down and I got that killer dust/cat/farm allergy headache. I asked if I could have her furniture, specifically her couches. The couches looked great in the apartment. Once they were moved out int to the light of day they looked and smelt like shit. Heavily abused as scratching posts, missing legs and all sorts of good fun. If she had mentioned they were beat up I'd have known but I had no idea how USED they were from the couple of times I hung out there. I didn't take that couch because one of the legs was ripped off. I took the loveseat and it monopolised the remaining space in my bachelor. I did get a new monitor but I don't know if it works yet - haven't plugged it in.

So I get home last night and the place reeks. I don't know what that love seat was exposed to, but I swear it smelled like it had been dipped in used oil, gasoline and manure. I have deposited it outside in the take me area. I know pt would be disappointed but I have a whitelie in hand for that. I'm gonna tell her the legs came off while I was moving it (they so could have because they're all fucked up) so I put it out of it's misery. I can move in my apartment at least.

Onto the mental palylist:

10) believe - the chemical brothers
9) when the night feels my song - bedouin soundclash
8) basement apartment - sarah harmer
7) black - pearl jam
6) feeling too damn good - nickleback
5) this is how a heartbreaks - rob thomas
4) cool - gwen stefani
3) shake ya tailfeather - nelly, p. diddy and others
2) one thing - finger eleven
1) broken - seether w/ amy lee

Just so you know I'm off for shopping and movies today and blogging should go back to normal this week, but no promises for the consistency of the palylist. It'll probably be Monday til I get my next shift; which looks so far like I'll have the weekends off, but it's not final yet and things can so change.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:18 AM

09 September 2005

it's heartache all over the world :
One-Eyed Thor (my pirate name) checking in.

So have I told ya how Capital One wants to give me a credit card? Recently bankrupt (not just morally) me. They called and offered, I disclosed, they said we'd be happy to help you re-establish, I answered all questions. What the hey it was a slow day. So - well they called me and asked me to sign up like forever ago, then I get this letter in the mail saying they can't reach me so I have to call them (it's all mysterious) and then I wait like 20 minutes on hold to be read a disclaimer. In 4-6 weeks (again) I'll be notified in the mail if I get the card or not.

So other than that I was having an intrigue free day. Pt got her car and picked me up way early this morning. We drove around a bit before work. After work we went to DQ for dinner to celebrate the 'new' car. <2001> I'm soooooo looking forward to the weekend I can't tell ya. And I've almost made up my mind to take the pay cut, suck up the 6 days a week and try to get into that other campaign. Our campaign is looking for dedicated volunteers to telemarket. I'm praying there will be enough so I don't get voluntold. Then I can learn the campaign I am stuck with all the way not have an incoherent hate on for specifc things, not schizophrenically convoluted hateplainations of the myriad of things I detest in each part.

Yea, that's me, always looking to streamline them bad karma life shortening things that are bringing me down. If I keep it up I may be able to go through life without the hunch back the constant seething and clenching and bitching is giving me. I need a great cheap massueser. Maybe I'll just develope a persciption drug habit, enabled by doctor's inabilty to really treat patients and kept up through my indentured servitude and work sponsored drug plan. It could keep me employed via being comfortably numb. Maybe a plan I'll look into it while I pursue the tandim idea of stress leave. Both require a doctor's visit. I beleive in doctors visits, now if they'd just believe me when I say I know what's wrong we'd get along famously. I am the one in my bodu after all.

On that note Rob Brezny charges me this week with a gloriously uplifting thought. Take it as your own, share it and believe it ok? :)
These are the rewards promised you at the beginning of time: not just any old beauty, wisdom, goodness, love, freedom, and justice, but rather exhilarating beauty that incites you to be true to yourself; crazy wisdom that immunizes you against the temptation to believe your ideals are ultimate truths; outrageous goodness that inspires you to experiment with irrepressible empathy; generous freedom that keeps you alert for opportunities to share your wealth; insurrectionary love that endlessly transforms you; and a lust for justice that’s leavened with a knack for comedy, keeping you honest as you work humbly to liberate everyone in the world from ignorance and suffering.

Keep blogging.

Why did David Bowie go on tv (fashion rocks) looking like he'd been in a fist fight (possibly with Iman) and not wearing socks with that natty suit for Life on Mars? Maybe it was just a bad colour choice for the socks but there's makeup to cover the black eye Dave.

Also, much as I love Gwen Stefani recorded, why does it seem like live her clothes are strangling her and destroying her vocals?

Just wondering.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:40 PM

i close my eyes and i'm dreaming right where i belong :
Aside from quitting outright I can opt to try to switch campaigns so that, while I'm still doing outbound, I'm not doing sales. In the other campaign I'd be harassing people for a car company, to set up and review their required maintenance appointments for their vehicles. It's only 36 hours a week and would require a work week of 6 days. If I wanted an extra day off I'd have to pay thirty to fifty percent of my benefits and I'd probably be less than trilled with the financial aspects of it. It would give me a chance to look for and get another job because I'd be working mostly evenings. It would give me all Saturday night to myself and Sunday, of course. I'd be paid for all holidays but not have to work them - because the campaign doesn't dial holidays.

I'm seriously considering anything that leaves me with a job and lets me feel like I'm not the devil incarnate. I don't want to develope a thick skin about the spite people pour on me as a telemarketer. I hate them too, and it's just awful I've been reduced to this. I need to just get over myself, have a yard sale and take the fuck off for the nearest city and try to get a job there. I'm gonna make it but I'm not sure if my heart can take the excitement. I also know my stubborn streak would prefer I sit here and rot then take a huge risk like that. In the end I'm a slave to the guarantee. Guaranteed paycheque, place to stay, food, job - I've become a settler and it ain't pretty.

I've not given up on Montreal. Infact I'm still rabid about it, even if I never get a job there I'd wanna hang and see if I can pick up the language. Chile has cooled down about her offer tho. Now she's saying come for a visit, not move there with me. Whatever. I know she wants me to go because she's going to be alone in the city while her man is on the road. She also doesn't want me to go beacuse she wants to be alone with her man when he is home.

In my dreams lately, there are no more costume parties. Now they're all dreams where I'm running from something. I'm a wee bit tired from being constantly pursued. In all my dreams too, there's a group of us being pursued for a variety of reasons from feeding a neighbours cat (gross use of force by the SWAT team) to crashing someone else's prom type workplace, where we made slaes our way but got caught. Yea I've got issues.

Pt, who gets her car today, is constantly telling me not to be a quitter. Which pisses me off, she's like 10 years younger and doesn't have a handle on the enjoy your job thing. She doesn't seem to get the idea that I've gone through a stream of less then great jobs and right about now the job of bodily waste cleaner at the general hospital is the most interesting job I've heard of. I'm a desperate employee.

I'm off to get interested in lunch, that thing that gives me a reason to get throught the first 4 hours of work. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:24 AM

07 September 2005

i've done everything for you :
I'm tired. I took back my last cash source, an empty 18 litre water bottle for the tenner it was worth, so I would have money in my pocket til Friday. Silly me I know. Pt was helping me out by driving me to the store and back to get the money, but she wanted to stop by and use the loo - and I had to dash in and hide the 'toy' that was casually hanging out after cleaning. I just couldn't let her walk in and see it, it seemed wrong to not warn her so I just stuffed it in my purse and ran out again. I don't know if she saw anything, I'm not asking either.

Sunday we are going to have a Dairy Queen cake. By We I mean pt, her friend K and I. Maybe others but I'm not sure. Pt's turning 24 I think. I'm so bad with the little - doesn't make a difference to me details these days. I suck but at least I remember her birthday and I so will get a card!!!!!! My best friend from college will get a card too, since she's done a trés excellenté job of reminding me when her birthday is, and I have stamps and a convienient post box on the front porch. That's the reason why we agreed to start writing each other letters, once a month, to keep letter writing from becoming a lost art. That and my penmanship needs work.

My theory about my penmanship is that I spent so long in school I lost all ability to care about the prettiness factor of the script and only slightly care if they words could be read in a certain light, on a specific angle, when the moon is in the tenth house ... kidding :P Basically whatever happens to doctors, the reason why their penmanship is awful, is something that I have a) contracted, b) learned to a varying degree or c) become nonchallant enough not to care about improving. (D) contracted through prolonged exposure to higher learning :)

Keep blogging, and wish me a loner day.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:43 PM

you don't want to make me angry you wouldn't like me when i'm angry :
So I woke up to brand new case of spam. It didn't occur to me the culprits are all logged into Blogger with stupid websites. I switched to that verification thing and brought back anonymous comments. I'm paranoid because the day started with a telemarketer, and I'm thinking I maybe getting intentionally spammed by Haloscan, because I keep mentioning them but haven't signed up. They're hoping I'll get desperate, sign up and donate so they're coming by and spamming me.

Over inflated sense of self importance? Nah.

BTW Lab Boy I meant the kind of cake that's like bakery made and heavily iced. I am aware of the kind of 'cake' you mean as well. It's a very generous offer either way you slice it, but I'm North Eastern Ontario and you're somewhere in Pennsylvania - a 10+ hour hike I've been told, a bit too far for a casual day trip I'm thinking.

Anyways I'm off like a herd fo turtles to get ready for work and I so want to have no more spam but lots of comments. It's like getting mail, a fun thing, unless it's spam/bulk mail - that SUX. Stay away spammers or I'll put a hex on ya!!!!!!!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:38 AM

06 September 2005

ps on rockstar the running man obscure :
I'm sitting here, listening to Brooke Burke say "hoping his/her song will be the next hit single."

She's saying it with that suggestive way that makes it sound like there is only EVER going to be ONE more HIT single and it WILL belong to one of THESE rockers. It just struck me as funny in a Running Man kind of way. Tell the audience that there is only (EVER) going to be one hit single (EVER AGAIN) and they get to pick it (YOU ARE SO RESPONSIBLE) from their favourite (ROCKSTAR) artist. Oooh ee.

Yea and I'm really tired but it's still creepy funny :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:45 PM

i dreamed this dream with you but now that dream is gone :
Yea, so the evil continues. I'm still selling stuff to American people, and I've totally got the feeling that I'm selling my soul. I've gotten so desperate to be away from this kind of sales that I'm honestly and truly entertaining the idea of packing all my shit up and moving the whole she-bang to Montreal. My friend is moving into her boyfriends' house (with pool and cars and a spare room I'm told) and I'm totally invited. Remember chile? Well she's working hard to convince me to come on down when she goes because I won't be the only Non-French speaking person there, I'll be able to learn, I can meet men, I'll have somewhere to stay and (the clincher) she'll be there and with her comes a place to stay etc.

Now the last time I moved off to a city I didn't know with a friend I lost all respect for that friend and I ended up with my loser ex. It doesn't strip any glamour off the idea of moving to Montreal tho. It kind of makes me think I should just bloody well go and take my chances there because last time, human casualties aside, I loved living in the city. I've never been to Montreal but it is a historic place, like Ottawa, and right now I hear the siren song of it like I was going to move there to be with my boyfriend instead of chile.

I don't think It's just the laundry or boredom talking. I do know it's the wanderlust - I must be the only Capricorn who suffers from it that I know of. Of course the leaving people and a job behind depresses me and worries me, but the freak out of it just isn't there. It doesn't seem so impossible to go there and start over because I have the offer of a place to stay. Sometimes that's all it takes to get me packing boxes and making plans. I am such a simple soul.

Montreal is a city, a vibrant and culturally diverse city and I can taste the possibilities. I can also see what a hardship it would be if the move turns out to be a mistake. I don't know what to do. I have to give notice here, 2 months, and I have to store my stuff and I have to find a job. It's always such an undertaking. I'll be thinking about it tonight so maybe it will save me from dreams of being on distant planets with vast marshy grasslands and being trapped in Harry Potter-esque castles where errant skidoos are flung from crates through windows nearly crushing me. I'm a little wary of that being a repeat dream, wasn't real fun the first time :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:41 PM

05 September 2005

i never tried to reach your eden :
Today I was a great person for cleaning up and making out like a bandit. I got a rather nice dresser for free, someone in the building was throwing it out. It has forced me to redecorate a bit but hey - I now have a place to put things that I didn't have before. There are three large drawers and the top one is already full. Now all I need is that bed and the computer desk ;P

I know I've been remiss again, the playlist is again late. Since Mondays are now my Sundays you may have to get used to it til the end of the moneth. I went to the length of taking off anonymous comments to stop the spam BS, Cookie your aren't missing anything in having to delete the things. Really. Thanks for the heads up all. I'm sorry if this keeps you from posting, I may put them back with that squiggly word thing for verification, but I don't like having to fill out those squigly word things myself so I don't know. I went by Haloscan to check that out and I may do that instead, get rid of blogger comments altogether - but it sounds like work right now and I already have a mind numbing job.

My Evil weekend went ok I sold about 7 things all weekend - which goes against the getting fired thing. I did how ever show a ginormously negative attitude to my manager and hope that counteracts any selling goodness I may have had. Working Saturday and spent too much Sunday and today, has made me feel oh so hostile and evil so I feel I succeeded adding my spin to G-lo's Evil weekend. I have to get back to goodness tomorrow and get laundry money or people will be fleeing from me in droves I suspect.

So I will leave you for now with the Mental playlist. Thanks for waiting :)

10) Eden - Sarah Brightman
9) You Wanted More - Tonic
8) God is a DJ - Pink
7) Love Will Come Through - Travis
6) Boys of Summer - Don Henley
5) Promise - Eve 6
4) All Fired Up - Pat Benetar
3) Bad Day - Fuel
2) Consequence Free - Great Big Sea
1) Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer

Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:08 PM

04 September 2005

no matter how sad these things can be :
I'm a girl and girls talk. We were talking shamelessly at work. I now know 2 people in town who had very similar childhoods to mine. I am not alone and it makes me stronger to talk about the dark ages I have seen. Sometimes this stuff festers and starts weighing you down. It's always better for me to talk about things and to talk about them with people who feel me on the issue, well it's da bomb. It makes me feel I need to start a support group just so I have people to talk to. I'd call it Everything Anonymous. Because everyone needs a place to go and talk.

My sister, who still owes my money. Thought it would be a great idea to pay me back with a 20 year old 27" tv that isn't stereo or DVD compatible, or surround sound friendly , or even able to tune in the cable channels properly. She got pissed I didn't want it, because she could get it and have it delivered to me. Yea but your idea and taste suck, so live with it.

Then, to be real nice, she asked me if I was getting Christmas presents for her, my nephew or mom this year. Why? Because if I wasn't then don't come home for Christmas because, well, they really don't have the money to bother with buying for me so it would just be easier if I said I was broke and then no one would have to bother with me at all.

Oh yea I feel the love. And people wonder why I don't talk about my family, pretend I'm an orphan and all that. I do it beacuse it's the saner of 2 evils. I think G-Lo's Evil weekend has been adopted by my family, regardless of the fact they never heard about it. However, they are just selfish and small hearted. Mr Grinch, the before shot, is their idol.

I have a standing offer to spend the season with Jack Daniels and a steak anyways. My own tradition - one I created over 10+ years of not talking to the family anyways. I'm sure I'll have a few pity invites from people and a few genuinely irresistable invites, so I'll probably have something to pick from for the season. Desperation and Christmas aren't synonymous for me. I get desperate when I realize I won't get any birthday cake on my birhtday. Yes this fat kid loves some cake!!!!!!!!

Wasn't here yeasterday as I was committing B&E helping my friend get into the house she locked herself out of. I have been there before so I know it was her place. We hung, watched tv, drank coke, ate za and generally had a good time. Going back today cuz I don't want to sit here an moulder all day long on how sucky my blood relatives are. I'm off to extend my family with people I get to choose. It's better that way :)

Keep blogging and good weekend :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:21 PM

02 September 2005

i fake it so real i am beyond fake :
Autumn is here. I love it cool in the evenings. Sweating the day away worrying you're infected with some sickness or other is more worhtwhile when you've left your evil heart crushing soul destroying telemarketing job and can walk home gaily in the cool night air with your own walkman soundtrack. I am so trying to make the best of things today. Sometimes just chatting with co-workers makes hanging yourself in the ladies' so less attractive. Not that I would, the ceilings aren't high enough for it :P

Ok enough gallows humour. No more dirge songs, for a while anyways. At least until Sunday, who knows what the playlist will churn out. I needed a break. A Mental Health day. I have been mis popularity and it really messes up my loner ways. Sometimes I just need to chillax with myself, spin some funky music and lose the day. That won't be happening anytime soon as I'm miss popularity again this next while. Darn! Maybe I'll get to see some more of pt's fine cousins, Damn!!!! And I mean it. There's supposed to be a party this weekend and I was invited but pt's still out of sorts with the whole break up and all, I'm not sure she even remembers inviting me.

And someday. I will be able to actually type remember without spell checking. Right now I am afflicted by the always e and occasionally dropped m. Rememeber emember erememeber rememebere remeber reember. Yes I want to University. I may have a rare form of tourette's that affects my fingers which leads to bad spelling, double and triple posting of comments and, well zaniness. Why not zaniness? Since it's a long weekend I don't know how much people will stop by but I will still post, if my feeble mindedness lets me come up with anything even remotely interesting. Keep your fingers crossed for me ok??

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:27 PM

01 September 2005

i came here for that special offer a guaranteed personality :
iron dog Posted by Picasa

I am a Capricorn on th cusp of Aquarius. In Chinese Astrology I'm a Metal or Iron Dog.

Here, they say this about my sign:
The Dogs are the watchful worriers of the Chinese zodiac, and the champions of the underdog. The Dog is famous for complete loyalty towards their friends and loved ones, but intense ferocity towards the enemies of their loved ones. Anxiety, loyalty and protectiveness characterize the magnanimous Dog personality. Devotion, generosity, and perseverance are the cornerstones of the wary Dogs temperament. This 11th sign of the Eastern zodiac is earnest, sincere and faithful to those whom they love, but being plagued by wariness, can have a sharp tongue, and a tendency to jump to conclusions. Cautious and serious regarding love, the Dog needs a trustworthy partner who has strong family sympathies, and appreciates their tenderhearted virtues. Low on ego, high on soapboxes, the Dogs' fair-minded humanitarianism and extreme caution is legendary. Best time of day for Dogs is between 7:00pm - 9:00pm.

The Metal element symbolizes clarity, purity and precision. The power of Metal is to delineate and define. Metal element persons create structure, create the surface of matters, and interface with the outside world. This element adds rigidity to an individual sign. Those born into the Metal element are guided by powerful feelings and will seek their goals with unwavering allegiance, chaste & tendency to speak candidly/bluntly. Much strength of will, and fluency of speech characterize those born into the Metal element. Metal is 'set' and determinedly fixed. Metal element persons must learn to compromise, not always insisting on their own way, as they will always have a strong effect on all whom they come into contact with. The Metal element shores-up an individual sign and is not deterred by calamity, hindrance or loss. The Metal element holds in position each individual sign by serving as a foundation and base. Metal element souls prefer to sort out and solve their own problems and do not appreciate interference or unsolicited advice. The Metal element imparts strong monetary instincts to the individual sign, with extra ability to save for a rainy day. The Metal element possesses a fine-tuned intuition regarding finances and speculative investments of all kinds. This is the element of the solitary entrepreneur. The physical organs of Metal are the lungs and the large intestines; its flavor is pungent. Metal's color is White and corresponds to the season of Autumn and dry.

In the interest of balance I also went to this place to get my name analysed. This is what they said:

Although the name Amber creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and through worry and mental tension.

Your first name of Amber has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association

Hmm not very impressive for a name. Anyone out there got any good suggestions about last names. I'm going to legally change mine, but I don't have any ideas. I just know I need to get a new one, for that starting all over again thing I'm committed to. I feel like crap-ola so I'm home recouperating and trying to see straight enough to get my ideas down here to share. Comments have died off again so I'm bummed but I'm working on something spiffy and charming and endearing that will capture the hearts and minds of enough people that I can claim a comment or more a day as my own :)

Oh I would call myself a comment whore but, well she already has a page. Infact lots of people I read have excellent sites full of vim and vigour and I'm thinking of changing the site again. Any help or suggestions would be welcome because I'm a little punchy and felling oh so defeated and it's nice to have friends :)

You look great today!!!!!

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:24 PM

MenTal fUrbAll