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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

29 June 2006

but for the times I took a wrong turn unafraid i might have missed it all :
Yesterday I saw a very metrosexual doctor. Not say he wasn't good looking or cute. He was both, but affectedly so. As pretty as his carefully tousled hair and spotless office was, it was cold and calculated and did little to put me at ease. It doesn't help when 90% of the conversation is about how unfortunate it is that you got shuffled and that there's nothing in my foot at all. Seemingly in a bout of dejected why me ism he confessed he wouldn't do the surgery either except I had already bounced through 3 other doctors to land in his office. He was careful to let me know that it would be a nasty surgery with little reward and that it was a trivial thing so I wasn't getting in anytime soon. I go 10 August. Soon enough for me.

I always wonder, when I meet people like the good doctor, if he's aware he's a drama king. Aside from the carefully cultivated exterior and the false friendliness beats the heart of a man waiting to panic. Which he did while I was there. He couldn't find the suture removal kits. His secretary, a snapped woman who had a tedious exchange with my roommates the day before trying to confirm my appointment, blew him off with a 'they're where they're supposed to be'. Not before he frantically circled the entire office and went randomly through a closet searching. I don't blame her. Drama kings are tiring. Aside from being selfish they tend to be so ego centric that what you may or may not have to contribute gets washed away by the barrage of their bravado. I can take boasting, I've won my share of pissing contests too. I can't take competitve talkers who must out situation you and strive to find a way to prove their importance and self worth above anything else.

If you can see them coming drama kings are best to avoid. If you have to engage in conversation then minimize and shrug. It doens't give them the impression you are weak minded or indecisive - it gives them the ability to do what they will any how -> decide for you. Drama kings love power and if you take it away you are evil incarnate and most likely to be accused of brutalising their ego or being a drama queen. By giving them an opening to take control of the situation and tell you what they (think they) know about you and your situation you are simply saving yourself a lot of time and frustration. First they won't listen to you anyways and secondly the more you say the more likely it is they will turn on you for taking away their opportunity to speak and rule the moment.

Of course there are sneaky drama kings as well as overblown ones. Some are easy to spot and it's easy to manouver around them. Others lie about their dram kingness and - even though you see glimpses - the full act doesn't come out all at one time until they are sure that they have the upper hand. Some drama kings have learned that having the upper hand on someone takes more than being themselves - for they are soon found out to be obnoxious killjoy blowhards who profess their fabulousless too much while cultivating exactly none of what they profess. Everyone likes to toot their own horn, but the constant bragging of the drama king - is always exaggerated and defensive and beyond self serving. Now a surgeon doesn't have to acrtually brag, he IS a SURGEON. He lets the puffy egoness shine with the contrived display of wealth and stature and fabulousness. This guy had a splashy office. He wore splashy clothes and even his eye glasses were designer and he had them arranged so that you couldn't help but notice them. That's the bottom line. You have to notice the drama king. Withou the attention they wither and fade, and thank god for that.

Understanding I was with a dram king cut my visit to 15 minutes. He asked if it hurt and I hemmed and hawed and he told me I was obviously in a lot of pain, which is also why he decided to do the operation. Really? Cuz I thought I was so unconvincingly portraying someone who had an insurance scam on her mind and was milking a sliver for all it was worth. Seriously downplayed the whole thing. And I did good. I'm getting the damn thing done. And that drama king will never know I know he hates the idea of spending any time in the OR that doesn't involve making someone else to worship him (he's a plastic surgeon people). He will never know I know he hates wearing scrubs because his designer clothes are covered up. I know, I know the type too well. He has a trophy wife and strategically placed baby picture to show how he has it all. He doesn't feel it though. You can see it in his empty eyes.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 5:24 PM

27 June 2006

you may be right i may be crazy :
Sometimes you hear something about someonw and it changes your perception. It could be something odd and seemingly out of character, but it falls into place and completes the picture of that peron in such a way that they are different for you. Maybe you found the fatal flaw, maybe it was the flake the broke the belief of hidden intelligence and maybe you got hit with the dream crusher of reality. Whomever isn't the perfection you thought, what now?

When the bloom comes off the rose you find out what you are in it all for. For some it's time to skedaddle. I've skedaddled from a few who are what I call black hole people. Suddenly you find out that that dash of egoism has been but a glimps of the life sucking self centeredness that is the person and you run. I do anyways. I can't stand all the me me me me. I didn't like it when I was foinf it and I don't like it when others do it. I kind of like to be heard and paid a little attention. I don't get much out of those black hole people relationships because I'm trying to get to know them and they are so busy sucking everything in that they have nothing to offer. Mostly these people babble uncontrollably about anything but themselves and often it's the same thing repeatedly. Like there's this warning becon and all they can do is repeat the warning over and over. Usually it's endless blah blah blah about something that is so not important to anyone else. Something that doesn't tell you anything much about the person, except maybe they're a fanatic. Fanaticism - always a bad sign.

There's this guy at work who reminds me of DJ from Roseanne. A real sweetheart and he has good hearing. An ever endearing trait. What girl can say she doesn't want to be seen and heard? No girl I know.

It's a blah rainy day. I didn't get hit with the worst of it so I'm tres lucky. More than a few people weren't so lucky and had to sit in their wet wet clothes waiting for work to end. No fun I know. Also no fun is the Bick pickle commercial. I have a vivid imagination and I'd already thought of such things - but to put it on tv where kids can see - kids who get creeped out easily and may or may not have nightmares about aliens in the fridge.

In the meantime I hjave the idols to keep me warm, and damn the guys can sing this year. I like them, almost all. The girls so far, not so sure of. I've gotta go vote, vote, vote for bb7. I want to :)

keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:51 PM

26 June 2006

yea I'll take you on i'll give it all away :
It's been a slowday in Amberville. Getting ready to go back to work EARLY in th AM. It's a wow moment and I'll be doing it for more than a few weeks if the scheudlers and my married friends have something to say about it. With the yucky thick air today and the fact I walked myself into oblivion the last couple of days, it was nice to just kinda lie around and do jack all day. I saw cars last night and it was cool. I have a deep appreciation of these animated pixar movies. Oh I know they're now Disney and that could be a bad bad thing, but I still like their work. Even if it is terribly nostalgic and flag waving.

In a little way I'm a car girl. AND I like classic cars, so the movie was fun. I think I'm next getting talked into A Tale of 2 Kitties - but this week's a wild week of fluctuating start times, Dr's appointments and free lunches. I'm maxing and relaxing with Canadian Idol. Another summer pleasure. I don't call it guilty, because most of my summer fun is frivolous and then the fall comes and it gets more temperate and I can think again and that's on the waiting list. Right now I go about wondering why it's so nice and why I have to wear so much sun screen I may as well be wearing a flannel shirt. It's just as expensive and uncomfortable as that much sunscreen. I know it's just in my genes, but I kinda want a refund on the whiter than white thing I got going on - just enough of one that I can get my lil ole tan so I can look like the sand at Daytona beach instead of the sand at a white sand beach. Just slightly less blinding and more inviting.

We rocked the barbeque last night. I think that Match Light by Kingsford is the best (yea over priced) stuff to use to make a long lasting, good cooking and flame searing grill tastic outdoor cooking experience. I really love to grill and with being off at nights for a while in the future, I'm going to be able to do that more. Yeeha. Watch out meat department here comes the atack of the grill master steak lover. At least once a month I will grill a little something something with some mushrooms. I think life is good with mushrooms :)

Next up it's Canada Day, where we may venture forth to view fireworks unless we become populace phobes and decide to forgo the bus and bustle and just stay South. Who knows, but it's interesting t have some advance plans. I'm not a set in stone girl by any means but it's nice to have something definite to look forward to. I'm going to get this blog worked out and changed up soon. Watch for it.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:24 PM

25 June 2006

i gather speed from you fucking with me :
So there are plans in my future and a current bought of sunburn. Apaparently SPF 45 isn't good enough to keep my lily whiteness from lobstering. It's barbeque night, after a visit to the local kiddie play stop. We're going to be going adolescent later, like we aren't always kids together and that's cool. That's why we're frineds. They forgive me my bad hearing days and I sunbakedness and I forgive them their foibles as well. I don't know why that makes us so compatible but we are.

I have taken off my nail polish in an attempt to make it look better and have no energy to do so. I'm having a blast from the past watching Heathers. It's wicked cool and I'm going to throw the Mental Playlist at ya now.

10) the grace - the never ending white lights
9) strangelove - depeche mode
8) wouldn't it be good - nik kershaw
7) all day and all of the night - the kinks
6) little green bag - the george baker select
5) four seasons in one day - crowded house
4) rapture - blondie
3) more human than human - white zombie
2) i'll take you on - howie day
1) walkaway - kelly clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other, undercover, telling you what to say (say)
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is, that it's Cupid, baby
Loving you has made me this way (way)

So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger, oh yeah
You need to know this situations getting old
And now the more you talk, the less I can take

I'm looking for attention,
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away (just walk away, just walk away)

I waited here for you like a kid waiting after school
So tell me, how come you never showed (showed)
I gave you everything and never asked for anything
And look at me, I'm all alone (alone)
So before you start defending, baby
Stop all your pretending

I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get this show on the road today, hey

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away (just walk away, just walk away)

I want a love, I want a fire
To feel the burn, my desires
I want a man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me
Die for me
Live and breathe for me
Do you care for me
Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standing here
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Just walk away
Just leave
Walk away, walk away

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:57 PM

24 June 2006

maybe next year maybe no go :
I had a full day. I have enough food to feed an army. Plans that aren't half assed and all my laundry is done. I've been busy wondering whyI'm so impatient for things and I've decided it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I know I'm not patient and I have to watch myself and practise that discipline more. That and eat more carrots.

I sweart flirt guy is going to drop dead soon. I'm starting to think the next time I see him will be in the obits, or in the honor frame at his funeral. He's so young and so not doing well. It makes me wonder if he's a product of a life well lived or the casualty of a life lived wrong. It kind of makes me glad the most exciting thing I have to decide is if I'm willing to let someone else bore the shit outta me or if I'll just bore the shit outta myself. I'm not that boring really, but my life is so tame in comparison to some. A real whirlwind of activity and extroversion compared to others I guess. I know my sister would agree.

It's so nice out and I'm happy to have the weekend to frolick and such. I can wait a bit to find out how the forcing of my days off will play out over my schedule for the next few weeks. I'm more interested in what the plastic surgeon has to say about the 3" of glass in my foot. Let's face it it's a few inches I so wanna lose. The other inches arte just falling off, mostly because it's nice and I refuse to sit still and I'm always a little lucky in the summer that way. As much as I hate the heat it sure helps you lose the pounds.

I've gotten all caught up on the 4400. Season One anyways. Onto Season 2 and getting Firefly for 25.00 (possibly). Also busy compulsively voting for my fave BB winners to come back a wreak havoc. I so want Kaysar and Janelle. I can't help it. I'm also voting for James, his shameless self preservation is so my style. The rest I so don't care about. I'm hoping not Ivette or Alison because those girls make me want to die - but hey somebody's gotta love their shrill, scheming and backstabbing ways. I like my bullshit all up front. It's so much easier know ing what you're in for instead of having to guess. Plus I really don't think either of those people played hard, they kinda rode coat tails. Oh and bring back DIANE. She's so hostile. It's like seeing someone on a bender all mobile and working it. I'm so sick :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:53 AM

22 June 2006

i'm just fucking witcha :
I am 20% Idiot.
Friggin Genius
I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

I am 72% Evil Genius.
Deceitful & Crazy!
Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

I am 50% Asshole/Bitch.
Sort of Assholy or Bitchy!
I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

I am 62% Goth.
Oh My Goth!
Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.

I am 54% Punk Rock.
Punk Like Hank.
The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about?

You Are 80% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

You Are a German Shepherd Puppy

Intelligent, quick witted, and a bit aggressive.
You've got the jaw power to take a bite out of anyone you choose.

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:54 AM

21 June 2006

we don't doubt, we don't take direction :
It's true I'm a bit of a pop fluff connoisseur. I really like some of the most popular music. From Nelly to Nelly Furtado to the Pussy Cat Dolls and pretty much anything I can hear. I got me an MP3 player and filled it up and put it on Random. Now I can hear my current faves at work and it makes the time fly and it makes work fun. Also it causes chuckles. Where else but in my world would you go from Lucretia My Relfection to Little Moments and then to Rock DJ and Castles in th Sky? Hehehe.

I came upon the Sisters of Mercy a little late. It wasn't until Vision Thing. I had heard Lucretia my Reflection and This Corrosion before but my first Siters album was Vision Thing. I had heard Wayne Hussey of The Mission had been in a few other bands. One was the Cure which I'd known about since the song Boys Don't Cry. Sure I was a Durannie and still know all John Cougar Mellencamps songs by heart, but I had a dark side. One that lamented missing Bauhaus and wasn't too impressed with Love and Rockets. It was the beginning of my 20's and I was all angsty and melancholy and all this rage was making it's way around. Rage is still the main drug of youth these days it seems. And there were The Sisters of Mercy. A band both seemingly political, personal dark and kinda campy in their videos. My kinda band.

They also fit into my whole loving the 'British' bands ongoing phase, where I was all over The Furs, The Cure, The Mission, D2, Paul Young, Depeche Mode, The Petshop Boys, Def Leppard, New Order, The Alarm, The Fixx, U2, Kate Bush, Genesis, Bowie and others too numerous and fleeting like Bros :) I have a love of guitarists as much as anything, but sometimes the words and the music are just right and you fall into it and it becomes a part of you and I still have this Love for the Sisters that isn't eclipsed by time like so many others (NOT the Furs tho). While some bands come and fade and new ones take their place, I still have inexplicable attachment to ohers. My inner goth loves the Sisters. Not because they are really goth - but their videos were all dark clothes and dark hair and sometimes darkness with spotlights. It just makes me wanna get all dark and dressed up and sign along. Maybe I just wanna dye my hair black :)

So I am Indulging in the Sisters. Closely followed by whatever else pops up on shuffle. Of course I'll get my John Mayer too - wouldn't be listening to Brad Paisley otherwise.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:01 PM

20 June 2006

the last time i asked you i really got a lame excuse :
If the weather sows peoples' moods then I could be in for a shit storm. I'm hobbling around currently, deflected to pained by nature. But the heat has diminished some and the rain is rejuvenate. I'm trying to figure out my weekend. I kind of feel like running away from town, there's no reason to stay - at least none that's been given to me. But I haven't talked to everyone yet and I may be persuaded to hang about.

I read Sass's post and I know what she means but I also know that it so doesn't apply to me today. I have not gone and gotten inextricably mixed up with anyone in quite a while. I want to - but the fates keep conspiring against it, which I guess is somehow giving me what I deserve. I think it's kind of funny how people who don't know me are all over the place with these laundry lists of thing they are sure I am. I would think actually talking to me and spending time with me would be prerequisites to being able to say you know me. I say knowing my last name is the bare minimum to say you know me. To say you really know me you'd know all 3 of them. I'm such a character.

Thing is I keep getting typed by these people who think they know who I am because of where I work, what I do, the look on my face, the clothes I wear or who I talk to. I'm thinking there are some very wrong and small minded people running around out there who think they have me pegged. As soon as I got rid of slappy gorgeous guy I'm now wondering why he's keeping his distance. It's not like we can't be friends. I'm good at friends, as long as everyone makes an effort. I hate being the one doing all the work and I'd much rather drop someone who thinks I should then stand by them. I am a metal dog, but some people mistake my niceness for a licence to run roughshod over me and they think I'm too nice to turn on them. They are so wrong. I am very loyal. I will feel bad about it after but I WILL rip your head off and stuff it up your ass if you cross me. I don't care so much about being the bad guy anymore. Too many people trying to take advantage of someone they see as wide eyed and naive - has really broken that concern for me.

For a while earlier I was playing around with my blog template. Time for another change - yes yes. I'm not sure how it will go exactly. That's why I'm working on it. And I'll try to get some more poetry up on the poem blog, not that anyone's been over reading it. I need to get a stat counter to be sure but I'm fairly certain it's just me that's been there lately. I'm feeling craptastic and only 2 more days til my weekend (it so helps to not count today :) I want to just lay down and die but I haven't the luxury.

In the meantime I'm on the lookout for new friends. I always want to widen my circle of interests (and possibly influence ). I need some peeps to go out to Bluesfest, the Red Hot chili Peppers and the movies with. I don't have a lot of friends ready, willing or able to be available for all of the above. I was going to Clapton (c'mon slwohand's a legend) but DAYUM it's expensive for not ever really good seats and no one wants to go with me either. See why I need more friends. I need the back you up buddies. You drag them and they drag you and it's all good.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:00 PM

19 June 2006

whatever you're looking for don't come around here no more :
Someone once told me you can't go back. Things are never the same. There was a vey funny and kind of cruel Sex and the City episode where they talked about taking your fuck buddy and trying to make a dateable person out of them. It doesn't really work. Not for the guy or the girl. It's a window of opportunity thing. If you see a window of opportunity coming and jump to take it - and it falls short => can you go back and try something else or do you just move on?

I tried being a playa for a year. I managed to pull off a few one nighters with guys whose names I don't know now. I never intentionally saw any of them again. All of them wanted to see me again. I couldn't figure out a good enough reason to or not to see them again. I've done the serious settle down relationship with someone, and things roll along and then things change and fall apart. The faster you go to bed the faster you hit that wall where you find out what the other person is really like. I seem to keep ending up with people who don't value my personhood as much as my womanhood.

Thing is after you go down the sex trail can you go back down the friends path or revert back to dating? I've never stayed friends with an ex or a fling. There's no point. When I'm done I'm done. No reminders, no regrets and no more hanging about trying to get freebies without attachments. I know guys think sex = girls fall in love. I don't. It takes way more than that to get my heart. The promise of sex will cause me to forgo shit I will later get pissed about => and that's the trap. I need to be upfront. I need to say that x,y,z doesn't cut it. I want open honest total communication. If pulling words outta you is like pulling clothes off a dead man - I'm going to get bored fast. Bored is the killer. Bored = interest lost. I can't get it back. Mostly because people you hang with are supposed to be fun and if they bore you, well how fun is that?

I seem to somehow get what I thought I was looking for, only to discover it's so not what I wanted or really what I need. It doesn't matter if we move slow or fast. It always seems to be that the person I start with isn't the one I end up with. When the good behaviour fades away I'm always wondering where it went. Of course I am a mirror. I tend to act towards others how they act towards me. If you are closed up and with holding I do the same to you. If you are funny and easy going I am too. I am a horrible imitator - because I know people like to see themselves reflected. It's why I'm a good people person. Even though I spend time reflecting, I don't use that to hide who I am. I am there living and breathing and participating and noticing. Still some men never really see me. Maybe I'm too good at reflecting pars of themselves at first, that they get confused when I'm not exactly what they thought I was to start with.

Of course there is my problem with authority. Every guy I know tells me not to cut my hair and it always makes me want a haircut more than anything else I've ever wanted. Some guys have a tonne of rules. Some are all about the play, some are all about the pristine. Some want a dirty little secret. I've been all those things and more. I don't mind if I know straight off what's up. I'm done with the secret shit though. My glorious bit on the side shingle has been burned. What do I really want? Someone who can appreciate who I am, not spend forever telling me who they think I am.

The problem with being a doer is that who I am gets lost in what they expect - cuz I can move too fast/too slow and I follow the rules set out for me which, the guys don't follow themselves. The problem with me is I do what I say and say what I mean, truth is my ally. It makes it hard for people who are skimming the surface to come back and put words in my mouth, because I know what I said. I am almost scripted in some areas so I KNOW what I did and didn't say. Still there are always people who think they know better than you. There are always people willing to tell you a lie to ease their own pain.

In the end I think everyone is well used no matter how badly the cookie crumbles. No matter how weird the relationship everyone gets something out of it. Whether it's exorcising or exercising their demons. Some people will go out and find a bad date just to prove that they have bad luck. Some people go out looking to get used, looking for love, looking for sex and don't find it. I go out and be me. Sometimes it works and I catch eyes and imaginations. Somehow I find that that first impression is the first to get lost and good people become spiteful and mean. I'm not sure of that's because of the good behaviour rule, where most people are just different until they get comfortable with you - or if people are so convinced they are unworthy that they front until they can't front no more.

I fear when people tell me I've changed. I haven't. I may have been holding back, trying to be nice and not scary. I am always myself, even if I turn it down from 11 sometimes. Sometimes you have to close down to deal with the belittling some people hand out as a part of their establishing superiority. I'd rather rip their heads off and shove it up their ass, but there's a time and a place for that and sometimes it just isn't worth starting a battle with an unarmed person y'know. Some pissing contests are more fun. I will always get into a battle of knowledge before opinion. I have lots of knowledge.

So while I make my way paving some relationships over and planting new ones I always wonder how much of me matters to the other person. How much of me do they value and know? Some people are fair weathered friends and will only be around when they want something, some are great talkers with lousy follow through and then there are those who back you up when the chips are down and will party with you at Mcd"s playland if you want to. Which kind are you?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:13 AM

18 June 2006

it doesn't really matter i've heard it all before :
It's fathers' day. I don't have a dad anymore. Haven't had one now for more than half my life. He wasn't a nice man, my day was a hard line, hard fisted hard ass that never had anything to say that was nice. I've never been looking for a daddy replacement but there are times when I do miss Dad. He could be an ok person, once in a blue moon. In honor of dad, music from before his demise.

10) it doesn't really matter - platinum blonde
9) new girl now - honeymoon suite
8) the kid is hot tonight - loverboy
7) dancing with tears in my eyes - ultravox
6) avalon - roxy music
5) there must be an angel - the eurythmics
4) something so strong - crowded house
3) hold me now - the thompson twins
2) eyes of a stranger - the payolas
1) one thing leads to another - the fixx

One Thing Leads To Another

The deception with tact, just what are you trying to say?
You've got a blank face, which irritates
Communicate, pull out your party piece
You see dimensions in two
State your case with black or white
But when one little cross leads to shots, grit your teeth
You run for cover so discreet, why don't they:

Do what they say, say what you mean
One thing leads to another
You told me something wrong, I know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another.

The impression that you sell
Passes in and out like a scent
But the long face that you see comes from living close
To your fears
If this is up then I'm up but you're running out of sight
You've seen your name on the walls
And when one little bump leads to shock miss a beat
You run for cover and there's heat, why don't they:

Do what they say, say what they mean
One thing leads to another
You told me something wrong, I know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another
One thing leads to another

Then it's easy to believe
Somebody's been lying to me
But when the wrong word goes in the right ear
I know you've been lying to me
It's getting rough, off the cuff I've got to say enough's enough

Bigger the harder he falls
But when the wrong antidote is like a bulge on the throat
You runs for cover in the heat why don't they

Do what they say, say what they mean
One thing leads to another
You tell me something wrong, I know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another
One thing leads to another (Repeat)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:54 AM

17 June 2006

you come pulling all the stops :
Having been a secret girlfriend before I thought I'd write a top 10 about it. I'm being accused of being bad, nothing new. I've never been entitled to my own oppinion and some people thingk the world revolves around them (you're so vain you probably think this post is about you).

Top 10 signs you are a secret

10) You know everthing about their place but they haven't seen yours, don't want to, are suddenly allergic to something only at your house. It's easier to get caught on foreign ground so they will keep you clos to their home and nowhere else.

9) Your S.O. shows little interest in getting to know anything about you. You may tell them but they forget or they tell you lots about themselves but don't ask anything about you.

8) Going out in public means you do not walk together, hold hands or touch in any way shape or form. In public you are the dating equivalent of ugly step sister. There but not acknowledged. At movies you may sit 1 or more seats apart, going to dinner never involeve anything other than pubs, dives and fast food. If you can get them to go out.

7) Meeting people you know may be me with anything from indifference to scorn. If your S.O. is on the fence meeting your friend may be a llowed as they are trying to decide if you are worthy. If they know you're just a dlist, last person on earth player, they will never ever meet anyone woyu know willingly and would die instead of letting you meet anyone they know. If something accidentally occurs they willa ct like they don't know you - you are crazy. Maybe, you only ever accidentally meet the friends and are introduced as either first name or my friend. Highly unlikely.

6) You do not exist if there is another person in the immediate area who is not dead or unconscious.

5) There is actually a setting on the alarm clock just for you. It will coincide with the first available bus before daylight, or there is the take a cab fund.

4) They will always have to get up early and can't sleep with someone else there. Also know as the get outta dodge show. You come, they cum, you gotta go. You do not know their phone number and if you do there are hours during which you are not allowed to call. If you don't, they call you. Usually at a moments notice and you will get flack for not being there on time with a smile.

3) There are no occassions. Gifts are welcomed but never returned. If it even seems you might want to be a permant fixture they will dump you faster than you can say granola. They will come back if they think you've got low enough self esteem, are stupid enough to not know you're just a fuck or if there is no one else they can con.

2) The emphasis is always on them. They do all the talking, make all the decisions, drop you at a moment's notice and accept no blame. Everything is your fault, your problem and often time it's recommended you get a life. You are not allowed to have an oppinion around them, attitudes are frowned on and speaking is generally ignored.

1) Their pet name for you is something like Sparky or Buddy. That way if they happen to slip and mention you, they can easily turn it into a cute pet story and no one will be the wiser.

Some of these things have happened to me, some to friends. It's a sad thing what people will settle for. Guys and girls alike.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:34 PM

16 June 2006

cuz i built my life around you :
My week has sucked. Aside from having everyione want something from me, but have no time to give me in return - I've fallen, been blown off and spent 3 hours fighting with a charcoal barbeque. I kinda want to die.

I know I've been grumpy lately. I'm thinking PMS. Possibly raging PMS, but more than that I'm getting dicked around and I know it. The only ray of sunshine I've had is flirt guy, and he's been circling the drain. How come all the guys I know are like seriously ill? Flirt guy's been complaining for weeks about chest pains. They put him in the hospital all last week and again Wednesday. Turns out he's developed arythmia and they aren't sure why, or what triggers it. He's not the only sick guy I know. My married friends have colds and rockstar hair(rsh) has some form of stomache ailment. I'm far from healthy but I'm miles ahead of them.

I spent most of the day running around getting ready to see rsh. I can't say it's a worry free relationship for me because he seems to run hot and cold. I seem to be constantly managing to say the wrong thing that makes him shut down and if there's someway I can make him withdraw and go in the other direction I find it. I don't even know how. I get this sense that we meet and he's expecting something to be off so no matter what I do I flip the switch. Even if I do nothing at all. Somehow I've become the always wrong girl. I talk wrong, I think wrong, I act wrong, I look wrong, I respond wrong. I'M WRONG. It's frustrating because the rules to that game exist only in one person's head and I can't seem but to live down to the lowest expectations.

Thing is I like rsh. I'm honestly not sure how I managed to become so offensive and off putting but I've done it. And I sent a bitchy email and I vented about being ignored, and being wrong, and not getting told straight that the steak dinner I had been planning all week and bought everything for and was dying to cook (what's better than cooking for someone?) wasn't going to happen cuz he feels like 7 miles of shit. I'm a big girl I can take it straight up. Instead I get nothing. I ask, to be sure he's interested cuz he keeps saying he's sick - and I basically get told to make up my mind. I'm not the one constantly saying how bad I feel. I'm dense but not a moron, I can take the heavily flung hint. So why can't he just come out and say it? Sorry I'm just not going to be up to it, we'll do it another time k?

Not for me. Instead I get heat for having nothing to say. I say nothing because what could I say without getting berated for it? Everything I say is picking on him, or putting him down. I'm not saying anything because how nice is it for me to make him feel worse when he already feels bad? I don't get points for it though. I get minuses. I get static about the following week too. After a nifty email sounding like he wants to spend time with me it's now all maybe I'll email and maybe we'll do something else. I'm not into maybe. I'm a definite person. I make plans and follow through and I get mad and I get disappointed and I can't hide it, so I try to not say anything and always someone manages to goad a response. Cuz I like to be open and honest and I hate bottling this crippling shit up, goading a response isn't too hard cuz keeping it inside feels like lying.

We don't really talk to each other. It's killing me, but we don't. I'm not sure he really wants to talk to me and, worse still - he's doing a really good job of finding every way to shut me down and shut me out. I'm really a nice person and I'm so capable of the warm fuzzies and yet it seems that he doesn't believe that because no matter what I try he doesn't see it. If he does, he manages to forget about it whenever we talk or email lately. Maybe I'm making it all up. Maybe I'm wrong but it's not like I can tallk to him about it. I'm only maybe ever going to hear from him again. If this post and that email don't cause him to explode.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:15 PM

15 June 2006

even if nobody else sings along :
This last week has been kinda stressful. I've been having not fun things happen. Like for instance I fell off a bus today. There was a line of people behind me and no one tried to help or even asked if I was ok. Way to go Ottawans. Way to care for your fellow humans. I had barely taken 2 steps when I tripped again. I friggin' need to learn how to walk. I need a cyborg knee really. One that won't give out and send me flying across the pavement when it's like more than a 4 inches to step down. I then came home and burned the shit out of a pizza by following the cooking istructions to the letter. Go figure.

I've been starting late this week. So I get to watch Starget SG1. My sardonic humour fix of the day. I also got my greedy paws on the NCIS first season and I have plans for a steak this weekend and to see The Lakehouse. Keanu and I will grow old together - he as a puffy idol, me as a fan. I like Keanu and I make no apologies.

I'm hoping the weather stays nice and that I can keep from falling down or falling into traffic or getting pissed off beyond belief at some supid head that I can't get to read basic instructions. Of course it turns out in chats we talk a lot and eat a lot of candy. Which is ok but it's getting kind of sickening as well. If I don't stop myself I may get incredibly sick and gain 300 pounds. Everyone has candy, and if they don't they go to the dollar store and get some. I'm going to get some bubaliscious green apple because we were arguing about the merits of strawberry vs green apple. Green apple won even though I like the strawberry. I like the nasty fake sweet taste of it, because it is just like it was when I was little and used to chew it. Ah, memories.

I think most of my uncontrollable rage these last few days has come from trying to beat that damn Need For Speed Most Wanted Balck Edition game. That I have some sneaking suspicions about a situation I'm in that seem to be panning out on the right end of a bad idea. I never wanted to be a psychic friend and it so sucks when I'm right about something going wrong. In the mean time I can keep going and have my own kinda fun. I am a wild party.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:31 PM

11 June 2006

baby save up all your tears you might need them someday :
That'll teach me for saving the post and then being tired and not publishing it. Did you miss me?

Aside from burning the candle at both ends (up early to bed late) for a few days, I've been running about and trying to conform to the weeird schedule I got from work due to being a nice person and shift trading here and there. I did find out who it was calling with my old name. It was the plastic surgeons office. They wanted to let me know my appoint was being rescheduled. I was like oh gooody more waiting. Then the lady says can you con=me the day before at the same time? I was like sure. It was the weirdest reschedule I ever had. Onto the missing Sunday post :)

Mental Playlist

10) save up all your tears - cher
9) out of my head - mobile
8) mrs. potter's lullabye - the counting crows
7) hands open - snow patrol
6) is it any wonder? - keane
5) notorious - duran duran
4) candy - ash
3) walkaway - kelly clarkson
2) maps - the yeah yeah yeahs
1) stranger in my house - tamia (dj tiesto remix)

Stranger In My House

I don't understand
you look just like the man
In the picture by our bed
The suspense is pounding
And clouding up my head
I'm checking your clothes
And you wear the same size shoe
You sleep in his spot
And your driving his car
But I don't know just who you are

Theres a stranger in my house
Took a while to figure out
Theres no way you could be
Who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Cause he wouldn't touch me like that
And he wouldn't treat me like you do
He would adore me
He wouldn't ignore me
So I'm convinced
Theres an stranger in my house

I'm not sure who you are
Don't see your shadow
Around when you walk
You leave with no kisses
Good-bye with no words
If these walls could talk
They would have nothing to tell
So what could it be
Is there someone imitating me
Could she be taking my place
Looks me in the face
And tell me that I'm wrong when I say

Theres a stranger in my house
Took a while to figure out
Theres no way you could be
Who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Cause he wouldn't touch me like that
And he wouldn't treat me like you do
He would adore me
He wouldn't ingore me
So I'm convicved
Theres an stranger in my house

Pop Quiz
Tell me where we first kissed
Tell me where my spot is
Tell me if I liked it loved it
Or could it be that the stranger is me
Have I changed so drasticly
Is it I want more than me
And you remain the same

Theres a stranger in my house
Took a while to figure out
There's no way you could be
Who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Cause he wouldn't touch me like that
And he wouldn't treat me like you do
He would adore me
He wouldn't ignore me
So I'm convinced
Theres an stranger in my house

Theres a stranger in my house
Took a while to figure out
There's no way you could be
Who you say you are
You got to be someone else
Cause he wouldn't touch me like that
And he wouldn't treat me like you do
He would adore me
He wouldn't ignore me
So I'm convinced
Theres an stranger in my house


Oh yeah
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:40 AM

09 June 2006

don't even try cuz you can't ignore her :
I have the weirdest dreams. Despite having a realy wopper last week, last night I had the most mind boggling one. Not only was I living in the same house as my psychotic brother in law, but he was in some sort of social rehab program that had him tailoring and doing cross stitch. I have no idea why my weirdest dreams always take place in super large houses with dark wood. This one was full of dark wood accents, doilies, and the walls were all covered in this wallpaper that was terracotta with little blue and whit flowers. Walpaper from nowhere I know. I was actually more fascintated by the wallpaper then anything else.

Pierce Brosnan was my brother in law's shrink/parole officer. As part of the agreement I had to watch him to make sure he was abiding to the terms of his punishment. We're not talking 2 way mirror or surveillance. I had to live in the same house with him. He didn't seem to know I was there, but I wasn't allowed to make sudden movements lest he notice me. At some point I ran int Heidi Klum, who was running a hair salon with Seal and their kids. She decided to help me find the perfect shampoo to help with my oily hair. I was ecstatic because she seemed to know what she was talking about.

I'll never understand why there were babies all over in that dream. Simply everywhere was a diaper clad infant. Pierce had one, Heidi had one. She wanted to give it to me and I was like no thanks, I'm fine. Like it was pizza or cola and not a baby. The thought crossed my mind that babies = death. Everytime I dream about diaper clad mini persons someone is hospitalized or dies. Mind you I don't know Heidi Klum personally so I'm not sure if it means someone I know or someone I know of - will fall prey to the baby dream curse. It's kinda interesting to wonder about but I'm far more interested in creating a new work cd.

I get to listen to music at work, which means I get soemthing to keep me sane whilst chatting to people who think we're the psychic tech network, who can't read or follow directions and who, sometimes, really want to TELL you you're stupid and suck and are wasting their time. Thing is if your hardware isn't working call the maker, we can do nothing for your 3rd firewall/airport router/BMW. Seriously. The nerve of some people's children.

Of course with the rain comes the blight of the full moon early. All the crazies come out for the full moon and they are already here. It means that with hte weather and the full moon and the weekend we'll be full nuts and committable by Wednesday next week. Oh joy. Pray for me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:50 AM

08 June 2006

that's why i've done it again :
I'm kinda tired and thinking a lot about Sass's post today. I know I'm pretty sensitive to myself, but perhaps I am not as sensitive to others as I need be. I know it hurts when I run head long into someone else's walls and I wonder if it hurts them the same way when they run into mine. I wonder about a lot of things. But mostly I wonder if I'm projecting things. They say you get back what you put out and if that is true am I getting back what I'm putting out? If I am does that mean it's only a matter of time before everything goes bad. Cuz when I can't be good I'm bad :) I worry a lot that some bad thing I'm thinking or doing or saying is somehow going to butterfly effect me out of any good things coming my way. I'm overly aware I could be fucking things up just by being me. As trust issues go not trusting myself often comes in at number 1.

I have a medium history. I won't say long because I'm not sure it is. I do know it's not pretty but mostly I can sum up saying people leave me and I leave people. My history is one of people walking away. In a way I'm always waiting for the day someone just won't be there anymore. I'm fairly sure I'm going to flip the switch that will turn someone off every second I am talking. It's always there in my head - did I just do/say/ask/type/look/breathe/be the wrong way? Do they hate me now?? I'm not all that self assured. I guess I fake it real good.

At some point there will be tension, strife, a problem that will either go by or cause some sort of bump in the road of any interpersonal relationship. Be you friends or lovers, you have to watch how those bumps are navigated. I hate being ignores and I don't like authority much. I'm kinda used to doing my own thing so I tend to have some far out wacky ideas and my closest friends roll with them and those getting to know me fear them. Oh I know it may be easier just to let me have my way. I don't just pout, I sulk out loud. I'm beginning to think I was an only child in some past life and all that petulance has sopped through to this life and is my karmic burden to live down. The excuse I'm part of the McNow generation doesn't quite cut it, but you know what I mean right - I'm just trying to get what I want however I can.

Do I have a right to let what I want infringe on other's rights to what they want? Am I more important? Well I want to be, but doesn't everyone? That's the rub. How do you let people be important without feeling like that is giving up all the power? I'm really type A, take charge, be the ball, JUST DO IT. I fear roller coasters because I'm outta control on them. It's a similar loathing I carry for having my fate lie in the hands of others. I can take responsibility if I mess up, but it sucks having to take responsibility for someone else screwing the pooch when you gave them the ability to. If you give someone else control, however small - how do you gracefully suffer the consequences?

I haven't learned how to do that yet. Gracefully accept that on the road of life there will be some co captains and there will be some backseat drivers and then there will be ones who demand to take over and then the crisis begins => can I let anyone else drive?

It's not that I have no empathy. I can empathise. I can see your side. I just can't stop wanting to be in control. I think it comes from feeling so helpless and insignificant growing up. Now I'm in charge. I have a hard time not being in charge. I don't know how to turn it off. It's the most unforgiving, uncompromising, walled up/off part of myself. I really hate being in charge tho. Ah these schizophrenic conversations.

I know I'm weird. Jaded and neurotic. Panicky and sad. Happy and frenetic. I'm not perfect. I don't know I've ever met anyone who is. Some of the saddest people I know are the ones you would think are perfect. Some of the happiest seem oblivious to what we are told are defects. I'd rather roll with the sinners then die with the saints - so sayeth a slightly hipper than thou Billy Joel. All I really want is that soft place to land when the barometer spikes up or down and I go blind in one eye and get them to take pity on me and let me go home because of it, at work. I want someone to care and I'm dense so it takes some constant work to get through to me that I matter and am important. I think that's why I work so hard at scrabbling the little things together for everyone else. It's the little things that really make the difference and are the firm warm fuzzy demonstrators. It's my I care details I'm most proud of, but that are most often overlooked. Don't we all do it though? Isn't that why we don't know what we've got until it's gone?

I don't have the answers as to why the world spins this way instead of that. I don't know why we like what we do and don't. I can't say why I love tequila and only the death of an animal in a movie will make me really sad. I didn't cry at ET and I still don't. I want a scotch, a steak and a shag. Or at least a nice hug. I'm not getting any of it tonight and I'm not so sure exactly when I'll get any of it. That's the fun of being short and outta range and making moves that unscheduled against a heavily fortified bunker. Communications break down and tomorrow is another day. I think I'm penciling in a Scotch and a Steak and my dress before I have to get up at 6.30 Sunday and chat to the wonderful minions begging to be enlightened.

He he. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:05 PM

the ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please :
I have a thing for singer/songwriters. The Replacements released another Best Of Tuesday, it has 2 new songs. Paul Westerberg is the bands' singer, he's a drunk by all his own addmission and accounts. He's sober right now and accordingly afraid to go on the road with the band - cuz old habits die hard. One of the best things about Replacement records is wondering if the surlyiness and slurring is caused by drink or something else. Everyone has their demons - mine's donuts :)

I served the EX today. It's a grey menacing day with a chill in the air. I was early (as always) and without back up. My backup was waiting for Leon's to deliver his new furniture and a/c today. I ended up with universal backup, 2 guys waiting for the bus. As it was it was uneventful. The EX looked like shit. Which made me evilly gleeful. Not that I went looking like a swimsuit model - but it's kindanice to know I'm getting the living right is the best revenge. He was on his way to work so he blathered a bit and went off looking for all the world like 3rd rummy-hobo from the left, in any of Rideau Street's panhandling productions. Yay me.

I'm feeling the need of an occassion. Birthday season is upon me but eveyone I know is the Grinch wo stole the Party from Birtday Party. I tend to think of a birthday as a reason to celebrate the fabulousness of the person, not as a grim reminder of marching toward the grave. I am the girl who ordered and went out in an ice storm to get her own Birthday Cake. I got like 2 peices and everyone else here ate the rest - and they didn't even wish me a happy birthday. If I had my way all birthdays would require cake, possibly an arrangement of helium balloons, presents, pictures and the off key song styings of a group of people you may or may not know. No clowns, but maybe a stripper if you're good.

I don't get that for my virthday, cuz I must suck. No one wants to celebrate me being around, so I do it myself. Fuck y'all. On the other hand I'm more than willing to do it for my friends. They are more than willing to be beligerent about it. It's so much fun to get a present and cough yourself blue while making and baking and icing a cake (cuz you have undiagnosed bronchitis) and not even get a thank you or any acknowledgement you tried to make it a heppy day. I especailly love going to the trouble of all that and then NOT getting invited to the planned party. Oh I have so many frenemy stories I could make you hate people. But I tried. I came out too celebrate the fabulousness of you. I may have worn a skirt/dress (cuz I don't really have any reason to or desire to wear one to work EVER). Why isn't that counting for something. If I had a million dollars for every gift I gave someone that went to waste, I'd be Overlord of the Universe right now.

I really want to do the cake, I will even go to DQ and get an ice cream cake if your frosty little heart desires one. But I must look like some sort of Evil Birthday Fairy. I keep getting shot down. I get relegated to the maybe a card or can't we just twiddle our thumbs instead line. Why does no onw in the world love an occassion? Why does no one want to be fussed over? I get not everyone wants to be taken to The Lonestar and put in the the Giant Sombrero and sung to. I'd secretly love it. I would be all red and embarassed and stuff on the outside, but inside I'd be so impressed. Mostly cuz no one ever cared enough to do anything like that EVER. I have a family best at ripping each other apart not good at celebrating one another. I know I'm the exception and not the rule. I know most people had all the birthday fuss sll their lives and are tired of it. Not me. Maybe it's because I'm a Capricorn (on the cusp of Aquarius) and we age backwards. Maybe it's because I embraced my inner moppet and she wants to party with confetti and pin the taiil on something. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to wear a dress and look nice.

I don't get to really do that. I don't do it for work, I'd freeze to death and I don't need the annoying guys to appreciate me in a dress- I don't need the wrong attention ego boost. I don't get to pwrty for Christmas or New Years. I have no couple occassions that warrant a dress. I can't get anyone to go out for Halloween and for Beltane you're supposed to go naked. Got you didn't I? I don't generally have a reason or a whim to wear a dress. I apparently REALLY want to wear a dress. I think I may have to take myself out on Saturday, in my NEW dress and do something occassional and get it out of my system. Then people will stop rolling their eyes at me when I get all excited about their birthday and start rapid fire inquiring about the party. I'm so uncool. But really, I don't want to be made to feel bad about wanting to celebrate my friends any more than I want them to feel bad about slapping me down (cuz they do and I think they like it really). I could go all emo and just throw their presents at their heads and stalk off. Bet that would make them wonder.

The condo corp, for lack of mowing ability due to forecasted rain tomorrow, came by at 8.45 to dig up the front garden. The landlords just planted it last week and today all the greenery is in a garbage bin while 2 freaks from the condo corp dig up the garden to put in drainage stone. This was an unannounced excavation. If they had known the landlords would have waited to plant. Cuz let's face it, maintenance goons don't give a rats ass if they ruin you perrenials while they do their job. They are not gardeners and you are psycically obligated to know they are coing like some kinda garden plague. Your green thumb should have been aching.

Yesterday on the way to the courthouse I was on the MacKenzie King Bridge and I saw a rabbit. Just because I am Anya in the Buffyverse, doesn't mean I ran screaming in the other direction. It was more like "Look. Aww cute bunny." I talk to myself cuz I'm a good listener. So the bunny was running headlong towrds the bus lane. I said "Bunny stop. You don't want to go out in the traffic and get squished." And the bunny did. I didn't stop dead, it slowed and hopped for ward once or twice as I walked closer, but I passed it by and as far as I know bunny did not take on and lose to a bus Wednesday. It's my wildlife story du jour.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:14 AM

07 June 2006

feeling so brand new oh yeah :
I got up EARLY. Went to file my court papers. The divorce has begun. The good news is I don't have to put my address on the papers so my EX can't find out where I am. The bad news is I have to serve him in person. Or I have to get someone else to d o it and then they have to go to the courthouse nad swear to having done it. Now in the small series of emails we've exchanged lately about a mysterious letter from Hydro that has appeared for me - it's been friendly. That doesn't mean we want to see each other. However, according to the lady I talked to all I have to do is give him the paper work and it's all good. So we wouldn't have to talk or anything. I like that. Now to just get him to agree.

Other than that I got a bunch of sunglasses as my other pair, cool as they were - were constantly coming loose and they were not screwed together it was some kind of rachet looking thinmg that was not holding tight. I said fuck it and threw them away. I was supposed to go to Giant Tiger and get some Corona wear and some serious candy for my married friend who's a fiend for bottlecaps and runts. I didn't make it because in nearly 40 minutes of waiting NO BUS CAME. Oh well there's always tomorrow.

I got all my laundry done, put away and I managed to fit in a shower while doing all that runninf around this morning. I feel like my day should be over but I do have to work yet so there's no rest for the wicked yet :) I know I promised deep and meaning ful and hopefully I'll get there before too long. Until then you get filler and basically updates for my BFFU, who is NEVER online anymore. :P

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:39 PM

06 June 2006

i'm finding it's taking forever to sing every breath :
It's going to be a scorcher. The humidity is back to get us today. All this week it's supposed to be rancid with heat and humidity. So sayeth the weather channel. Y'know I really deplore how the weather channel gives and the weather channel taketh away. Just Sunday they were getting all freaky saying rain-no rain-rain-no rain like it was a forecasting war carried on with people looking out different windows. Thing it it was sunny with overcast bits and there was a slight period (like 5 minutes) where there was a bit of spitting dampness. I think they need more local forecasters and less reliance on traffic cams (no I don't know that's how they're forecasting here).

I'm getting into the grrove of chats. I'm a dual chatter and I really love that I get to listen to music there while I chat, so now I want to get an Ipod or some device that holds more songs than I can fit on a cd. Cuz I'm using my mp3 playing portable cd player right now. It's hidden in the bottom of my work bag - cuz it's a shamefull thing to have and show in an aisle dominated by fanboy, anime geeks, political screamers and gadget geeks. I'm like the only person who doesn't have some sort of mp3 player that's smaller than the palm of my hand. Oh well.

I'm working on doing a load of laundry every night this week til I'm done. That will be tonight, I don't generate a lot of laundry all by myself. I'm good that way. I'm currently resisting temptationt o exercise my shopping muscles. I went aroung shopping Sunday and I got sun poisoning - and I'm so not happy to have inherited that from my mom that skin problem. But while I was out I got a new purse, a 6 pack of HIRES rootbeer. THE BEST ROOTBEER Evah. Seriously. And because of that it's so hard to find. It's been years since I had one and on Sunday I had 3. I looked it up and Cadbury doesn't sell it here anymore which is why we can't get it easily. Thankgod for groovy discount chains.

In the meantime I still don't know if Kid E is moving out so I can get a bigger room. Kid M still doesn't seem to have a job and is currently hogging the shower - job interview perhaps? ANd I need to find a ridiculously high SPF to stop the sun poisoning madness. Cuz I do wanna be cute in the summertime and I'd like to get a wee bit of tan. In the meantime I have paperwork to fill out. Lots and lots of it. I have a couple of weeks before I can turn it in but still I want to get it filled out.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:15 AM

05 June 2006

your turn to spill :
I was away having a good time in friends country. I got free food, free lodging and a free ride in a fast car. I didn't forget about the playlist - it's right here. A little late but still Free :)

10) shake ya tailfeather - nelly, murphy lee and p.diddy
9) beep - pussycat dolls
8) somebody's miracle - liz phair
7) play - jennifer lopez
6) 8675309 jenny - tommy tutone
5) prescious - depeche mode
4) beautiful - snoop dogg and pharell
3) there she goes - babyface and neptunes
2) walkaway - kelly clarkson
1) promiscuous - nelly furtado and timbaland

Promiscuous girl

N: Am I throwin you off?
N: Didn't think so

How you doin' young lady
That feelin' that you givin' really drives me crazy
You don't haveta play about the joke
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

Looking for a girl that'll treat you right
You lookin' for her in the day time with the light
You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

N: You expect me to let you just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What's the problem I don't see no ring on your hand

I be the first to admit it, I'm curious about you, you seem so innocent

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I'm tired of running, lets walk for a minute

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I'm all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I'm all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

N: I'm out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Thomas
last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

N: I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I'ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
N: So does everybody else.

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain't nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

N: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bring that on

Bring that on
N: You know what I mean

Girl, I'm a freak you shouldn't say those things

I'm only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash

Promiscuous Girl
Wherever you are
I'm all alone
And its you that I want

N: Promiscuous Boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Promiscuous Girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous Boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:25 PM

03 June 2006

He doesn't like it when I say he has  Posted by Picasamodel hair.

He seems ok with things when I say he has
  Posted by Picasarock
  Posted by Picasastar
  Posted by Picasahair.

If you split the differece and add in the largest populace to be growing their hair you get:
  Posted by Picasahere's Johnny

In the flattery gets me everywhere sense I think I may have gone too far in saying
 Posted by Picasa

Like I care?
  Posted by PicasaKeep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:37 AM

02 June 2006

it's meaningless but all that's true :
Yesterday I found out the the NEW yahoo interface doesn't allow ' . If you press that button the fucking thing switches to search and eats your thoughts. Like I need any help getting derailed. I'm really a short form typer => which work is going to be beat out of me so soon it will be sentences poeple. Artfully thought up, eloquently proposed and fully trashed by errant mistypes - sentences. I'm working on a picture post that may piss some peeps off, but hey IF you're reading this y'know I do it for myself.

I'm sitting here eating froot loops straight outta the box. I prefer them that way. They're ok with milk but so much more fun by the handfull. They were on sale at wallyworld, and since I was there yesterday I got some. There was Cap'n Crunch too, and Frosted Flakes and I wanted none of that. I wanted a handfulla cereal deal. Cuz it's hot and I'm lazy.

It's Friday, do you know where your weekend is? I know mine starts tomorrow night with some wings and some chocolate martinis. I really get only Sunday off - then I get the following Saturday. I'm in negotiations to see how the weekend after that will be. I may end up working kinda late, cuz I'm a nice person and I agreed to help my married friends out - of course I could be all evil and insist that the shift change I took to get them the weekend means I get their entire schedule and they take mine. Well we'll see if I even Needed to do that today. I get to do 2 chats today - I'm going to make myself. I'm going to do it while I'm surrounded by people I know. I don't want to jinx myself but my new job so far seems way low stress. It could be a bad thing.

I'm all wondering why they are cutting the grass => again. I think these condo people think this is some sorta golf course or something. I'm also wondering why someone dug up my landlord's planter. Literally Tuesday night someone dug the planter out of the lawn, stole the guys next doors' watering can, and left. Apparently they really needed to pot a big plant. Cheap bastards. My house wishes I was here that night, cuz I'm a light sleeper/night owl and probably would have heard something. Maybe. But do you think I would gone out there and said don't dig up that planter - nope. I would've woken up one of the guys and let them do it. Cuz it's like that y'all. I prefer scaring off the crooks be left to the mens.

I know I'm boring these days but I'm working on something I think is cuute and you'll have to wait. It's easier to write a seven part ALIAS script than to get the pics I need to pull off the thing I'm thinking of writing. In the meantime you all are acquainted with my blogroll to the right. At least go read Pajiba - it's funny and the pics are safe for work, if not the writing. Of yes I DID have to think about the side. As my cab driver found out ht eother day, I don't much know my left from right as I say right instead of left. I mean really - don't tell me you know where you are going if you don't because I need about a minute's warning before I can give factual, no pointing involved directions off the top of my head. Otherwise I'll say right when I mean left.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:40 AM

01 June 2006

save your strength save your wasted time :
I got up and ran out to get groceries. I now have food enought to keep me going and hopefully I won't get freaked out tonight. I know they're going to make me do 2 chats. I know they're waiting for it to get busy to see if I flip out. I know and I worry - cuz failure waits.

Had my 2 days off. I was MIA and somebody called here for me really early yesterday and I wasn't here. It was weird. Really weird. Cuz no one has this number but my doctor's office. AND the caller didn't want to leave a message. And they had my name wrong (which sounds like my doctor's office) I don't recall making an appointment. My my, I have a mystery to figure out. Mind you I sorta don't care - if it was important they would have left a message right? You would think so. You would, but who knows.

It's been shitty hot. The thing about the house here is it's the extreme of whatever the weather is. If it's cold out it's really cold in here, it it's warm out this place is an OVEN. Yeeha. I gotta tell you it's going to be a workaholic summer if the weather keeps up this way - I'll want to be at work just for the AC - so I don't feel ill all the time. It's Just June now and already we're getting slapped around by 40+ degrees of humidity. I so don't need that. I so don't.

I'm not really looking forward to work. I know it's sad that it's not really the kind of job I enjoy and look forward to. It's strictly a pay the bills job - until I can get myself together and actually want something else. I kinda feel like I'm in a nice warm pool of water. It's getting kinda funky but it's still really nice and comfy and I like it. SO I'm in no real hurry. I've switched off the A-type desire for more more more in that field - for now. We'll see how that goes.

Other than feeling yuck cuz of the weather and crap because of the allergies I'm kinda tired from tiring somone else out. ALWAYS catches up with me, just takes a while. I'm going off to enjoy my frootloops and cranberry bran cruch. I'm weird I know.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:41 AM

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