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love is all around you : In a vain effort to put off going to work way early, but not actually starting until my designated time, I am blogging. I am blogging a wee bit out of guilt because I've been absent and really haven't cared. I've been thinking a lot about the idea that the things you pursue are changed by your pursuance and noticing that I'm slipping back into being one of the guys. What that means is that my most interesting times and conversations are now happening with the guys I know. The girls didn't die, they've just kind of lost interest in my affability I guess.
Work is boring because the people are predictably rude and stupid. Things at home are precariously weird. Kid N and J went away, but not before Texas left and are making sure to get back before he does. In the mean time I've been told to feed the cat if he gets too annoying. There's this giant note on the whiteboard that is addressed not to me as if I ceased to exist after being told they were leaving. As if to make the point that I'm not a thought they made enough noise leaving Monday to make me wonder if the closing of the closet door was a vain attempt to take out the fucking wall. Assholes - why yes they are.
And they expect me to do the dishes they left, and that Kid M is continuing to add to. I'm probably responsible for making sure the recycling and garbage go out tonight too and I just don't care. I haven't and refuse to do the dishes sitting in the sink and I'm not going to touch the garbage either. Why? Because the note on the board doesn't have my name on it, so that means it's not for me. Any of it. And the dishes? Well I hate to say this, but I rarely eat here, at least anything I had to go into the kitchen for so I'm not doing the damn dishes either. I haven't used any and therefore haven't contributed to the pile.
Is there going to be a note? Probably. Usually someone would break down and do the dishes. Me, Kid E, Texas - but not Kid M. He's too important. Maybe he'll get his girlfriend over here to do them, I don't care. I don't care what kind of bullshit note I get either because I'm moving out. It's a done deal, signed on the dotted line of my mind and they can go straight to the unmitigated hell of whatever perverse experiment they think they are running on us here.
Yes I'm cranky, I hate the thought of moving and I never wanted to do it again, ever. But this was too good to last, cheap and enough fucked up crapola to make you suicidal. Everyone I know gets fucking psychotic hearing about it, even the really nice people. I'm also cranky because I'm allergic to the dye in my vitamins so I can't take them any more and I had just really gotten into the habit too. In an effort to break with my pack rat ways I am giving a lot of stuff to charity, stuff I don't need to move. I'm at a loss as to what to do with this crappy desk tho. It's put together obviously wrong and it's total shit but if I move without it then I have to buy a desk. I wanted a new desk too, but that's not the point. Do I get rid of what I do have to wait until I get the one I actually like?
Ah the ceaseless conundrum of me. That and the weird freaking dreams I've been having. I'm left wondering why I'm all about blondes all of a sudden and why I'm dreaming about sex with particular people, who I don't even know and who seem indifferent. It's easy for me to spot all the obvious familial issues that points to, but unlike Meredith Grey I've not been trying to die and I disappeared a long time ago and really no one did notice.
From the ghost land of the easy life. Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:39 AM
15 February 2007
i follow the night can't stand the light when will i begin to live again : I'm a workaholic and now kinda broke power partier at least last week. I guess that explains why my free time has been taken up with not filling you all in on anything. I'd say sorry but that sounds lame and the fact its there's nothing really happening here. There's a little 'I'm giving my moving notice in a couple of days and I'm tripping' going on but other then that it's the usual.
All the taken guys treat me like the bestest girl in the world. All the single guys ignore me or get drunk and are insulting but think I'm madly hot for shutting them down and tell me that but don't do anything about it otherwise. I got to vd wishes from clients and none from friends or foes. I did wish everyone at work a happy vd and got made fun of. Ah the fun of it all.
Aside from the snow storm I'm working on a way to rescue my stuff from my family, who last time I checked were moving in March and throwing it all away. If it all pans out it'll be here by the 23rd and then I'll spend the evening with Rod Stewart. My first real concert in forever and I have friends to go with and all.
I was told last night by this guy at work that I remind him of his Mom. His words were that I'm matronly, outgoing, motherly, orderly, possibly scary when mad and very exacting. Wow I don't sound fun or interesting at all. I'm not sure how I feel about that but it explains a lot.
In the mean time Texas has sorta stopped being remotely friendly and is now leaving heaping mounds of toilet paper in the toilet so someone else can flush it and then pluge the toilet. Fucker. I can't wait to move and yet we have nowhere picked out or nailed down yet. We're hoping to get into a townhouse near by and that's all we've got right now because the area is under new and totally disorganised management and they don't seem too interested in my soon to be roomies cockroach problems or with making the the transfer from their apartment to the townhouse possible.
So that's all the wonderous shaking happenings around here. I'm waiting on the next episode of Grey's where we're all pretty sure that Mere lives and all. I'm also waiting for the world to get warmer snd less intensely snowy. We waited a long time for winter and all but I'm kind of tired of the intense coldness in the house and not the outside weather really. Because it's been so cold I've been having to run the heater all night and it's killing my skin and hair and sinuses because it's not like there's a humidifier in this house and all the humidity sits downstairs away from the heat nowadays. Geez we can't win here in hell.
Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:05 AM
04 February 2007
more than i could handle and a life that i can't live : I haven't been frivilous in a while so I thought I'd recap the whole of my entertainment experiences lately. You all know I love NCIS for Mark Harmon, although there is something a little trite about the show now I keep holding out for a big plot twist that will make all the heavy-ish melodrama that is this season - pay off. So Tony has a girl friend and Ziva is jealous. If they don't fix that soon, she's a terrorist or her ex-bf is - they're going to have to shoot one of them for effect. Why? Well because for me the love triangle angle doesn't work for those two. Sure they had the instant rub me the wrong ways, but the 'family' grousing that is supposed to occur is too easily taken to the I want you end of the field. Why they just can't make Ziva more anything is beyond me. She's not too strong, or stromg willed or threatening or anything anymore. She went from being cool and mysterious to being weirdly needy and jealous. I don't like that. Please fix that NCIS writers.
On the other end of the scale is Grey's Anatomy which seems to be settling into the drama heart of itself. I already had a clue as to the relationship Merdith and her mom had, hello my family anyone? The funny thing is if I had to pick a character I most see myself as I'd have to say Christina Yang. She's a real tough cookie but ther's a creamy centre in there too. In the mean time Izzie's all wierd and potentially heading to hatersville because she sees people around her with what she doesn't have. If that actuallt is her problem. Maybe she's supposed to be over compensating her fineness, and she'll have a good cry and be more Izzie-ish. I think her character's been pretty even for a long time and maybe they're giving her a chance to show some other aspects of human nature, but she's supportive girl and if that's really just all of a sudden gone there had better be better reason then Callie O'Malley.
ER's boring me to tears. Seriously. I already knew that kids was his, if John Stamos's charcter didn't then he's never seen the show. The characters are boring and predictable and I can barely watch anymore. It took til this year, the best year in ever some say , to seriously turn me off. I don't really know why though. I think it has to do with the little changing for the good part. So Sam kills her baby daddy and absolutely nothing happens to her. Her punishment is her kid's now a pyro and kills someone she knows. Pratt goes to jail for being a drug dealer? Kovacs is almost killed - well actaully maimed a little. Morris is still the painfully retarded, not really funny man child of the world being as stupid and gross as they think he can be. Ray's story line has faltered into a near oblivion of his character, Neela's all weird and lacking depth. One minute she's all about Ray but married now she's all about the new DR, who's like really taken even if he doesn't want to know about it. Too much drama not enough sense anymore. Sorta like CSI for me. I miss one or two episodes and Grissom is gone and the weird new guy, Keppler is there. Is it just me or are they tricking him out to be a psycho with mutiple personalities?
Lost is finally coming back and I'm not sure I care anymore. THe usual promises of more twists and turns and surprises. You know what I think would be surprising - really -> Micheal manning up and coming back to fix what he did. If he actually got away he should be able to get back. After all we've waited all season for Desmond's rich girlfriend to find him or the freaky Juliet to pony up and actually show some real potential. It's not lost on me that Jin, Sun and Sayid as well as everyone else we loved til now are MIA and we're suddenly promised they're coming back. From where exactly? I mean have they been on vacay on the other island while we've been watching the not terribly interesting coercion of Jack or the kinda freaky breaking of Sawyer? One episode's white rabbit does not a season's worth of watching make. So I may tune in, as my previous Wednesday treat Saved is MIA on the local channels.
I have replaced Eureka, great show BTW, with The Dresden Files. Not an equal trade but I'm willing to go with it to see if it improves. I'm still into Heroes. I think it's great Hiro's dad is Sulu. Seriously what funky power do you think he may have? I think Claire slipped up and Daddy may know that she didn't forget anything. Not sure he'll have time to fix that since Sylar's learned that James Bond being dead thing. Dr Suresh is a little loose ended for me, he hasn't found his place yet. But that whole invisible mentor thing is so fun. I have a thing for gruff british guys and I even watched the new Dr Who for this one.
I'm already sick of men in trees, and I like Ugly Betty but I'm not so sure how long it's going to go on while it's giving away all the big secrets this season like it's a going off the air rampage. We'll see how they handle the new revelation that the dead son is now a live daughter. In the mean time I think I'm going to love Supernatural for a long time, even though the whole gee I may be evil thing is a bit over the top. Sam has barely even used his powers and now he's number on draft choice for evil inc's board of directors? Tell me there's more of a lead up planned to that? Also tell me he's not Eva's Adam. I smell some sort of showdown/reunion coming so let's hope it's got teeth. After all I need some televised inspiration to brighten my listless life :)
Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:01 AM
03 February 2007
been around the world and i can't find my baby : I've been thinking a lot lately (ya I know this ain't news) about how the world is and how I am in it. If you haven't been to Sass's blog go read her thoughts on common courtesy. I think she's right and I think the newer generations are only getting worse because so much is given to them they think they just deserve it, what ever it is. This whole idea of giving your kids what you never had has spoiled them to being kind,generous, compassionate souls. That's just my opinion. I'm a hard ass task master who seriously thinks working for the desired thing is the only way to get it. SO even thought I want to win the lottery and do nothing the rest of my life I'm fairly sure that isn't going to happen.
In the mean time I've been watching the people around me. The strange co dependencies, the hot and cold running friendships and the soul sucking neediness. I'm kinda happy to go it alone these days. I don't think I could anyone demanding things of me right now. That said I'm kinda tired of the shut out I'm getting from some people who seem to have decided I'm lower on the list of importance these days too. I'm not doing anything differently yet things have changed. When this happens I have to wonder what the hell it's all about. I mean Seriously, what the fuck do you want from me? If you don't talk to me and tell me what the bug is up your ass I'm not going to crawl up there looking for it myself.
I look at the people who are supposed to be happy for me, backing my plays - because we are friends after all - and they are indifferent, shutting me out or all together ignoring me. It seems funny that they would have anything to even say about my family when they are so similar. And then I have to stop. Wait a minute - did I just realise that yet again I replaced my crap family with crap people who will give me the same thing my crap family does? Am I really just finding a way to encourage the negative reinforcement I seem to really deeply believe I can't exist without. It's really sad just how easy it is to find people who will treat you however you subconsciously or consciously think you should be treated.
The thing is I'm not hot shit but I'm not a piece of shit either. I'm somewhere in between. Not King shit of turd mountain but not the lowly trots monster either. Maybe I aspire to be Mayor McShit, I'm not sure but I do really have to get over all this weirdo crap and find some middle ground where I'm not getting shut down every time I try to do something for someone because I'm their pity project and can't reciprocate generosity because that ruins their heightened status as benevolent benefactor.
So how much wrath do I want to incur by not giving a fuck about sensitivities or asking questions about this new found void of friendliness? Do I want to plebe up and kiss ass and hope I can be included again or roll with the me crowd and shun the 'cool' kids with my not giving much of a thought to the weirdness that has developed? There is the every chance this is a misunderstanding, but I really think it's a somewhat calculated plan that is being realised. There was a look yesterday, during a conversation that said it all. It said DAMN I didn't want you along but I'm going to act like I just didn't think to ask. I've seen that look before and I don't know what I did to deserve it but I'm not holding onto the looker either because I have plenty of hot and cold running friends to choose from.
Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:44 PM
Radiohead blue eyes,
Radiohead blue eyes,
blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.
Stuff and Nonsense
You LOVE Me THIS much
What Came Before
What Came Before