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i doesn't matter if I cry doesn't matter if I bleed : I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in over 4 years today. I recognised her even though she is a bit heavier then when I knew her before. She seems comfortable with it where as before she was a wee obsessive about being perfect and it was unbecoming. This time around her energy was so calm and I wanted to be her friend again, right then and there. She told me some interesting news. It turns out that my ex husband is dead.
Wow, I came off like a giggling crazed maniac of glee. I always knew he would die soon and I didn't kill him, honest. I just figured, considering how he lived when I knew him, there were few possibilities for him unless he changed drastically; which he swore he'd never do. So he died. I don't know how, but I know when - October 12th, 2007. She told me he was sick. She told me he had an idiot girlfriend and that people felt sorry for him and his illness. I know what kind of sickness he had, it wasn't one of those you can officially feel bad for him kinds like cancer or something - he abused drugs and alcohol until it (or possibly someone else seemed likely too), killed him.
I don't have to worry about running into him anymore. I don't have to worry about where I live or any of that. He's dead and buried, in a Christian ceremony the obit says - and I'm like a widow once removed. It made my day, which must make me the most horribly mutant person to ever walk the earth. Everyone seems to think it does. I'm glad that someone who treated me like crap isn't around anymore. I felt this way when my dad died too, like a giant weight had been lifted and I was free. It seems like an inappropriate reaction about someone I loved, doesn't it? Shouldn't I be sad and possibly do something to express condolences to his family? He's been gone 3 months. He lived 15 months past our divorce, I don't know if that's significant but I had to figure that out.
I should worry about what she will tell people. She really likes to gossip, as do we all - but I know he was telling people I left because he was sick and I couldn't deal with it. True, but not for the reasons he would have given. He wasn't going around telling people he was eating boxes of robaxacet with a mickey of vodka every night, or buying oxycodone from people and eating it like candy. He was careful to make the illness nice and mysterious and guilt worthy. I mean would people feel sorry for him if they knew how he was making himself sick? Probably not, at least not me.
Maybe I shouldn't have been excited to hear that he died. It seems in poor taste. I should have saved that for when I got home.
Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:31 AM
18 December 2007
i've become impossible holding onto when everything seemed to matter more : I'm tired. Working nights and having limited days to run out and get tings done is leaving me slightly sleep deprived. I have things to do like pack and sort and throw out, and I have to go cancel my gym membership and I can't plan that accordingly because people keep fucking off.
If I haven't mentioned it we have mice at the house now. My ex-roommates have decided not telling me what is happening with the exterminators and everything else is the best way to go. In keeping with that I have decided not to bother them with stuff they should know either. Like the gas bill is 123.44. I haven't seen the hydro bill yet, but guess what - my name isn't on the gas bill which means I'm not responsible for it. Of course I'll pay it.
It's getting close to Christmas and as much as I'd love to bliss out at a theater watching cheesy movies like AVP-R and I Am Legend (I read this book because I have a thing for vampires and love Richard Matheson). I am working instead because being paid for the holidays is fine, being paid for them and working them is so much better when I have to hire movers and all that fun moving in February crap. I can't remember what the apartment I rented looks like now and I'm sorta freaking out. I have no storage and I'm thinking I have too much stuff to move into that place. But there is no way I can be separated from my stereo components and Vinyl LP's and 45's. Even the cassette tapes are coming, screw the outdated technology - I can't afford to actually replace all that stuff so it's coming with.
In the spirit of the season people are getting more introverted, that means that there's more of the dreaded telling you what ever to make you go away syndrome. Also more of the back up friendship virus flowing around. Watch yourself, the holidays are a depressing time of year because human frailty is exacerbated by the rampant and apparent lies of convenience that abound in this season. It's the time to have faith in your fellow man, and that means that you're going to be more disappointed then if you were a cynical non believer. People let you down, that's life so move on.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:58 PM
17 December 2007
don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands : The holidays pretty much suck for me, that's why I work every year. The preponderance of memories where we didn't get along outweighs the ones where it was good. There was always food, and food never fought with you or shamed you. I have food issues, can you tell? Holidays for me more or less are about cookies and working. I don't get invited to dinner at home or anywhere else anymore. By this time of year people are tired of me, or tired of the idea of someone who really doesn't have a family to speak of trying to make them a part of her new fangled family. In the movies and on tv people always gather round their friends and celebrate, not so much in real life when people are already feeling put upon and worry about their own dysfunction. Well they just don't have time for you and yours.
When I think of Christmas I want a nice tree and gingerbread cookies and either I have steak or a tv turkey dinner, it's tradition and quiet. I like it. I already have my 3 foot tree up, I already have the tv dinner. I already have a whole lotta time and a half coming my way for working so I'm mostly trying to avoid thinking about the anniversaries of dead people this month. Amoung the many birthdays I can't escape the New Year's anniversary of my Dad's death. 20 years gone and still making the new year hard. Way to go dad. This year I work New Years so I'll actually be with people who will say Happy New Years and I believe mean it. I'm looking forward to getting my swiss cheese schedule back on track after the holidays, I have 3 days off in a row now and since they are currently split it the days are all blending and not seeming like enough. It's becoming a blur of trying to motivate myself to pack and throw things out.
At the end of this month I will officially be on moving countdown. I have to hire a mover, with the weather and the month and all, no one really wants to volunteer to move me. Heavy stuff and crappy weather are not a good combination. I can't blame them, but then again I'm dreading saving the money for movers as it seems so hard right now to break even and I haven't even seen a utility bill yet. Pray that I don't stroke out when they do come in, 18 days with 4800 watt space heaters and the coldest winter in 15 years are conspiring to give me grey hair and financial nightmares. I swear all I want for Christmas is a lottery win. Then it'd all be easy right?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:02 PM
16 December 2007
gonna close my eyes gonna watch you go : Sometimes you just know somethings wrong, even before you hear it. Often times I know something's coming before it happens, that leaves me prepared and at ease. It's always good not to have to guess. Being a good student of people and learning their tells and traits leads to knowing them and predicting their behaviour. Once in a while I'd rather be surprised, it'd be better then being right all the time.
It fascinates me to watch people do the same thing over and over, as if the human condition leads to a predisposition to never learn from one's mistakes. I do it too, don't get me wrong, but I know I'm doing it or know I did it again and I don't say oops either. I don't find it cutesy to shrug things off, to shirk responsibility. I write a lot of stuff on this blog that is built up of bits and pieces of conversations I have everyday. Some days everything everyone says can build up and bug you, to relieve that stress I have this blog. I don't have a tonne of understanding friends, being a gypsy doesn't allow for that really; but I have this blog and the limited readership. It makes a difference to vent, even if no one ever reads it or identifies with it.
In getting ready to move to new digs, I'm getting overwhelmed with getting rid of the useless. The stuff I never used, don't need or want or care to move around. Funny how moving makes you think of your friends. How if you had to make a list how many of them you'd want to take anywhere and have fun with anytime. How many of them would just be a hassle, wouldn't play nice with others and just really aren't friends. It's the season to be festive, and sometimes the best gift you can give someone else is the gift of giving them exactly what they want.
All the people out there that I know who have been good to me this year, thank you muchly. We may not spend any time together again, now I'm a graveyard worker again, but you have helped me out and I thank you. To all the readers, thanks for reading. More things will improve here and even on the poetry blog I swear!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:47 PM
09 December 2007
what you’re here for, what you bleed for, what you live for : It's all right now. I have, in the bizarrest and most panicked fashion, gotten exactly what I wanted. I realized this the other day. I wanted those roommates to just disappear and they did. I wanted a new place to live, and I got one without anyone else's help or co-signing of leases. I managed to get exactly what I thought I wanted.
I wanted to live alone again, I wanted a dog for company and I wanted to make as much money as possible. Now I have another apartment I'm not crazy about to move into 1st February. I have a psychotic dog that can't remember who is in charge and I have the graveyard shift at work again, because it's all what I wanted right? I've got it all.
I also want friends who want to spend time with me. People I can call up and talk to, make plans with and actually do those things with. I need friends not related to work, people who aren't tired of me because they see me all the time already. Right now I have no one to call, no one to talk to. No one to shop with or see a movie with. Everyone I know already has friends and lovers and family and plans. I'm the one scrambling to work for the holidays so I don't have to be alone, again.
Some may argue that having a dog means I'm not alone, but he's a terrible conversationalist and lacks social skills. He can't go to the movies with me or shopping, I can dress him up but he's never going to replace people entirely.
So now I have to find a way to be more social. To make friends and meet people to go out with and have fun. I've reached my quota on rearranging my circumstances, now I'm onto changing my life. I don't know if I'll start small but I'll make this happen too; because I am important to me. I am worthwhile to know and good enough to associate with. It's time I stopped waiting. I can go and do things alone, been doing it for years, but now I think I can find accomplices who aren't afraid to join me.
Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:39 AM
Radiohead blue eyes,
Radiohead blue eyes,
blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.
Stuff and Nonsense
You LOVE Me THIS much
What Came Before
What Came Before