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From the ghost land of the easy life.

22 March 2008

no one is watching me slide under street level barely alive :
Right this second I feel very run down.  Almost run over.  Life is disappointing these day at best and I don't know how quite to turn th\is frown upside down.  People appear to be creatures of lies and fear, and I'm really tired of all of it.  I'm tired of other people's dear and their obnoxious lies.  It's all getting to me this full moon, and while I don't have to deal directly with the freaks that come out as customers on these days, I have plenty of freaks to deal with right where I am.

From listening to someone do the simper and moan about their incompatibility with their other, pandering for someone to tell them they are not a freak and they are right and justified.  I can see the end to the relationship coming, if you're so needy of outside validation then inside not only is it not there it's not EVER coming.  I watch people everyday who don't tell themselves the hard truth, who fear to do what they want and beg others to assist them in justifying it.

Do I justify that Belgian chocolate pound cake I got for Easter?  Nope.  I bought it and I ate it and if I had another I'd eat it too.  I also ate the yummy rainbow trout fillet I got and I'm going to keep eating because I need food to eat.  Am I over eating?  Yes, not as much as I have in the past, not for the exact same reasons either, but a little none the less.  And I am aware I will have to work on that.  I am responsible for it and working to not do it.  Like any bad habit it is HARD to break.

On the other hand I am getting exercise.  Ice, snow, slush and rain can't stop me and I have sore legs to prove it too.  Just getting to the street these past weeks has been a hike and I never thought I'd like hiking that much.  Apparently I do.  I also like living alone.  Of course I have to force myself out of the house on a regular basis.  Not because I love the privacy and low stress so much, but because I have no motivation to leave the house now.  Disliking living conditions is a sure fire way to get oneself moving and otherwise you are just finding something else to do.  It's what I do anyways, I just excuse my reticence to leave the house by manufacturing something more important to do.

I'm giving up excuses for Lent, and forever.  I am tired of them and the lameness they inspire.  Instead I plan to work harder to make the thing I want happen.  I haven't quite built the solid resolve I need to not fall back to making excuses, but I'm trying and that's half the battle right now.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:25 AM

15 March 2008

that's not the end of my world just a slight change of plan :
There comes a time when you look around and wonder what the fuck am I trying so hard for?  I work hard to get ahead and am devalued at work.  I work hard to keep friendships alive while others toss them aside as if they were used kleenex.  I try hard to stay fit, not break my diet and be a good person.  I try to not be cynical about another lousy 10 cent pay increase, when I'm doing a whole lot more work and getting better feedback then almost everyone.  Life is always playing favourites, and I'm not on that team.  I get it.

This doesn't stop the overachiever in me from striving to be the best, and being mad when my work goes unnoticed.  Or the optimist in me from hoping that it will all turn out well in the ens and being forever disappointed at the next shitty thing that happens.  It doesn't stop me from trying, but I'm starting to wonder why bother.  All these people around me aren't trying for shit and they seem to be getting everything they want.  The better raise, the better shift, the house and car.  The move on to the better jobs and I keep trying to get some faceless employer out there to notice me and after I'm hired, to place real value in me.

But I am not an ass kisser.  I am not a toady.  I do not not ask the hard questions, and I argue to be explained to when I don't understand.  I am not the go with the flow, ply the boss with falsities to get what I want kind.  I have little interest in office politics and so am ever the last to know anything.  This riles me up.  It makes me dislike the things I try too hard to ignore, even more.  I've only had one job I loved and one boss who real,ly understood and valued me.  I miss those days when everything seemed easy and finding a place seemed possible.

Now I'm forced to wonder what tomorrow will be.  How I will be lumped in with all the other people who don't try, can't or won't make their numbers and just don't care.  Because there is no I in team, no one here values the individual, rather the statistics are key and they alone will get you by.  But I'm kind of tired of just getting by.  Maybe it's time to really move on.  Time to get a real job, not just another this will do job.  I've made an unstable career out of them already.  So now I have to fight with my need for certainty and security to face the jungle of probationary periods and job interviews looking for the elusive job I'll like and boss who gets me.  Would I settle for one or the other?  Probably.  But I'm praying for both.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:30 AM

14 March 2008

it falls apart in little pieces on the floor :
There is always the other shoe. If everything is calm and peaceful and flowing smoothly there is always something that will happen to kink it up. The other shoe falls and things go wacky. We're losing our contract. If it isn't enough i just moved now I may be looking for a job, and I HATE that. I really don't love the idea of doing billing and having people scream at me day in and out and about whatever, because they can and we can't hang up. I don't like that idea one bit. I am already weighing my options.

Of course my options so don't pay what I make now. Leaving this job means MORE loss. A pay cut, a loss of benefits, loss of vacation, loss of friends. I can't forget leaving for anything but another call centre makes me a regular joe, and that pretty much ruins my schedule of vampirish nightowlism. I finally got into the graveyard groove and mow I'll be back on days. Not days I get to pick either, but I may get the weekends off by default. Maybe, because no one know anything for certain. No one that is talking to me anyways.

But I've been thinking of this for a while. Thinking getting a real job, an actual 9-5, regular office job would be awesome. I have only applied for one, because I want to go where I am interested in and not another stop gap job where I while away my days, watching my life disappear doing nothing I even remotely care about because it's easy. Because I'm too lazy to try to get something else. Something better, something where I actually may have value and a boss I like (haven't had but 1 or 2 yet).

So despite all the rigmarole I've been through lately, all the angst and annoyance, the total stress and bullshit of the move and making the money to afford this choice -> now I have to make another series of stressful and hard choices that could leave me unemployed if I get turfed in the 3 month probationary period all jobs seem to have now. Maybe I'll get lucky. I'll walk in and BAM we'll click and all will be AWESOME. Because I believe in fairy tales and I really need this last bit here to be the last shoe to drop. I have several complete sets now. So universe, if you're reading, be awesome.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:54 AM

05 March 2008

i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out :

So I live this close to a water tower now. I've heard that that means your water pressure will be good. It's frickin amazing. Funny how water blasting out of the taps makes something so worthwhile eh? There seems to be one dedicated chain smoker on each floor so I can't escape the smell of cigarettes, however I live alone now so there are no interrupts, inconveniences or imperfections that I don't orchestrate myself these days. God that's nice.

My previous roommates seem to think emailing me and letting me know that there is a message on their machine is good enough for relaying. Not giving me the name and number of the caller or anything, that may be divulging too much. I swear the more I'm away from them the dumber they appear when I hear from/see them again. Oh well. We weren't truly friends anyway.

It's been a couple of years since I lived alone and so getting used to it, while not really an issue, is more related to getting used to being in an apartment building then anything. Like how whenever I'm in a rush the elevator stops on every freaking floor, especially the 2nd - to take people to the 1st. Geez people from the 2nd floor, walk to the 1st it isn't that far. I'd walk myself but I haven't yet, and I live several floors above you. It appears people are perpetually moving out of this place too, so I don't know if it bodes well for the longevity of this living situation or not.

This weekend me and my pals are going to the Ottawa Women's Show. It'll be fun to go with others and grab freebies and such. Then I'll spend the night at work so we'll see how incredibly tired the show and Turkish food leave me. I don't think it can be worse then all the snow and ice rain we've had recently. I look at it all and can't help but think when it does get warm, people may flood. At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:05 PM

MenTal fUrbAll