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From the ghost land of the easy life.

14 September 2008

dishing out love to a hungry world tell me would that appease you :
Yea so I'm not Joe Sanity these days. My POS job is giving me migraines. Mostly because I care. I care that I'm getting passed over for promotions that I work for, ask for and lobby for all the while being told that I can't have it because I haven't been doing X long enough, or if I want to advance in the company I should move to get a better job. All that while watching people who are just days and weeks into the contract get the training I asked for and I know they aren't doing a better job then I am. How? Becuase all these newly advanced are more then willing to tell you how they are fucking the dog and yet they still get the breaks. I'm pretty sick of it and the smug bullshit of my managers.

I keep looking for guidance here, I mean what do I do? Who do I turn to? Everyone I ask has a different story and most won't leave the job because they won't get paid the same somewhere else. I can say that right now money isn't driving me as far as making a decision, I want a little more stability and knowing I can't really lose this job isn't the sticking point it used to be. I'm tired of the building, the people, the blame game where no one is ever responsible for anything or willing to actually help you out. There is NO upward or lateral mobility here for me and being told that my best options for advancement would be to physically move from Canada to the US is bullshit. A week later there is a position open I've also been told I won't qualify for because I've been sick lately, so my attendance is bad. Fuck you!!

It's not that I love my job or the people. I actually hardly see anyone I used to be pals with because we all have different schedules and we don't socialise outside of work so I can't even say I'll miss the people. I don't have a set schedule and no idea what I can do to get one short of getting a doctors note saying I have restrictive work hours. So I've been looking. Actively looking. Not just looking at jobs that will take me to bigger and better paycheques either, actually just looking for anything that seems interesting. Currently I'm planning to apply at a nearby grocery store that has fulltime postions open so that if I get that and the pay isn't too low I can just quit Hell and move onto something else I may hate soon enough but eill enjoy learning and doing for a while.

I keep reading my hororscpe and it keeps saying to stop doing what I've always done and good things will happen. Well I need a little more then that, because depending on the time I've stuck with a job not quitting til something better came along like more money or hours, I've left without having a job to go to, I've left high paying and gone to service jobs just to not be doing the same thing all the time and I've tried my damndest to get soemthing that sounded interesting just to see if I could. Except for the quitting part I'm doing all of the above now. Applying to higher paying jobs, jobs in a differnt line with higher pay, jobs in a different line with lower pay and anything that sounds interesting. The road block I keep hitting is mental. People keep asking what I want to do, well I want to do anything I can to make money. It's not that I'm unskilled or looking to be more of a slacker I just want something fulfiulling and that doesn't leave me with no options. I don't want another dead end job.

There are a lot of cons to this need I have to break free of the call center. If I go somewhere else I'm on probation for the first 3-6 months and can be fired anytime. I may not have any benefits or the same retirement options I have now, I am almost 40 does being a job hopper now look bad or is being satisfied with my job all that matters? Why can't I find a niche were asking questions and being a customer service fiend is enough? Where it doesn't get me labelled as a trouble maker or berated and or yelled at by some a-hole manager who feels imparting wisdom is like a tongue lashing and is wrong anyways. I really HATE my current job and I'm doing all I can not to quit or do so poorly that there is no suprise I'm leaving, but it's starting to seem like this is all in an effort to force certain people out of the door. I'm going to apply everywhere. And I'm going to talk to unemployment because my job duties have radically changed and I have no ability to ever earn more at my job. I'm sure they'll tell me to piss off and that I'm a whiner but I have to pursue all my options.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:03 PM

08 September 2008

is it any wonder i don't know what's right :
I finally got the gumption to start looking for a web host service and emailed a local place that offers domain services and hosting. Of course they didn't get back to me. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with these places? Ok I'm not a business and I won't be making a lot of money from my site, but I'm willing and able to pay not only for the domain name and hosting but all I want is the ability to run a wordpress blog and I get zip.

I'm getting to the point where I'm too pissed to care. I just realized my second last post didn't post it was stuck in drafts for no reason. My job SUCKS and I'm getting numb about it, I am literally only there because of the money now and every day it's an argument I have with myself that I have to go there and do the work to get the money so I can have the things I really want. Of course that doesn't include a life because I am a shift worker and socializing doesn't factor in when they decide to make you work weekends 10 hours a day and with random days off that you won't know about more then 2 weeks in advance. While they will positively batter you within an inch of your life about the time you want to retire, they seem to feel that disabling your ability to plan in advance will in any way hamper your desire to remain with the company. Don't even get me started on the fact that being a woman in this dump guarantees you less ability to move up on the now non existent ladder from agent to anything else. Oh I HATE my job.

I'm at the point now where I am starting to panic about how worthless my entire life is, my job stress dripping into every part of my existence. I want different, better or at least someplace where being appreciated isn't just a lip service event. I am starting to fear that I'll just quit, fuck the pension, the benefits the above minimum wage pay. I almost want to cry with frustration when my alarm goes off and I know I have to get up and go to that damned job. I'm seriously contemplating calling in to join a generalized depression study since for months now I don't want to even leave the house and see others, work day or not. Well actually I've always been generally anxious, paranoid and suspicious. I had a bad childhood you see.

I am not at all happy that I haven't kept up with this blog, but I will make the excuse that despite the mental trauma my job is causing me and the physical suffering that has induced, I am making other efforts to be kinder and fuzzier to myself that are making other area of my life better. Since taking a firmer grip on my diet and eliminating almost all artificial colours, flavours, sweetners, tartarzine and msg I feel better and am forced to actually cook for myself (egads!). I've had those food allergies for years and never thought much about them but have noticed since I started eliminating that from my diet I am losing weight and having fewer allergt headaches (sinus related). Not that I inhale my food but I swear somehow eating it would cause sinus issues for me. I'm not 100% allergy free as I'm still allergic to the rest of the world but it's helping to lessen the overall drearyness of the allergy seasong for me and that is always a good thing.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:56 PM

01 September 2008

The Tudors :
I've been watching the Tudors lately. As far as a tv show goes it's very interesting and pretty to look at. Being that history is something I've always been interested in I can't take the show too seriously since it takes great pains to dramatize certain things and downplay, rewrites or ignores others to forward the story. Once I started watching I got hooked, at first I was a bit put off by all the emphasis on sex, but let's face it it's a cable series and sex is what makes them go boom right? Looking past that it's nice to see a show that regardless of the titles given to the events like the restoration or the excommunication or execution - it's nice to see a show that to me gloriously revels in the theme of power and what people will do with it, to get it and to keep it.

I myself have had a fascination with the kings of old since I discovered Arthur when I was 8, however I have travelled down the road through the monarchies of Russia, Austria, Italy, Spain, France, Britain with equal abandon. I like to find out who did what to who and why, royalty is the original soap opera. Especially how it is portrayed here in the Tudors. This is fairly dramatic soap opera fare but soap opera none the less. I love the costumes and the banter, althought the time line is sketchy and somewhat impossible for me to follow since Henry the 8th rarely changes in appearance yet years go by in a coupls of episodes. What most brought to mind the soap opera anaolgy for me wasn't so much the wailing whinyness of Queen Anne, but the soap opera ploy of have a kid, the kid leaves for a bit and when it returns it is suddenly much older then the time that seems to have passed. It happens with Mary and Elizabeth the King's daughters, and I may have missed it but I'm still not sure it was mentioned that Charles had a child until the boy appeared.

It's nice to see a show that wants to go back and show that intrigue and deception, passion and brutality existed then as it does now. Dress it up however you may but people are still using sex and jealousy to get what they want, still using threats and force to get things done. Those in power still have money and finery and women whille in that time were powerless pawns here portrayed as puppets of their reaching families; can have a mind of their own and desires that drive them to good and evil. For the most part to me th Tudors is interesting in showing how all people at the time may have been, without over emphasising the social structures or conventions of the times to limit the characters we are allowed to imagine the people of the day and judge them with our current values.

Using current values to look at the events of times past isn't always a good thing. It leads some characters to be vague and purposeless for their behaviour isn't explaind in the context of their social norms they are presented as if they were someone from today and I'm fairly sure someone from today would most likely have been killed on sight if not once they spoke, for the differences in customs from now to then are so great. Yet in this series the customs are only hinted at or outlined to us, not followed to the letter. I think the show would be less entertaining and elegent if that were the case because the social niceties of the time were many. By using the events and people I feel the series does a nice job of creating interest in the history of the time and weaving a fanciful tale of how it all could have been. Historical innacuracies be damned, it's a good one to watch.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:45 AM

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