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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

26 November 2006

i want to lie shipwrecked and comatose drinkig fresh mango juice :
I know I haven't been here in a while. Thanks for noticing RaJ :)

I haven't been doing anything exciting. Playing Civ3 and trying to take over the world. Hvae strange encounters of the social kind and playing darts like a champeen. He he he.

Nothing interesting has been going on int the life of me. I've not been dating, or wanting to date. There have been dumb ass notes and way wicked plots of retaliation. There have been laughs and satisfaction galore. Plans that never got anywhere and plans that sailed on finely. Life's been even and basically good. Nothing to talk about that's new or meaningful or interesting to me. I've just been living in the slow move circle, where I go where I want to only slowly and with lots of trepedition.

I'll write more soon. Have a good weekend. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:26 AM

12 November 2006

if you want me you can find me left of center wondering about you :
It's a long week. Split days off will do that to ya. I finally got my raise. I didn't get my performance appraisal. My new boss hasn't bothered to introduce himself to anyone, I think it's bad juju to not even have the balls to bother saying hi to your new crew. Another lamo boss, gee wiz.

All's quiet on the dating front. I'm thinking of joining a local fat girls group. It's a good way to network and socialise with people who aren't going to put me down for not being a barbie and hopefully I can find a nice guy whose fetish is larger size rather tan large groups, young things, cheating or being beaten. Yea I get the winners.

It's all about the pay cheque this week. I did a lot of overtime. To the point where I don't want to do a minute more than I have to. For at least a couple of days anyways. I'm doing good on that whole healthier eating via the less fast food thing. Mainly because I want shopaholic psycho and overspent before. Now it's kinda cutting into my extra circulars but whatever, I'll deal. Tomorrow starts the count down to the operation part 2. Dec 13 I get the pleasure ? of having the glass finally taken out of my foot, and the 1.5 month hobbling time not counted, couldn't be happier. My DR may want to kill me but he's a drama queen anyways.

In the stupid is as stupid does department I got blamed for the smoking oven. I told Kid N the thing was smoking and I didn't know how to clean it and he says don't worry about it. Kid J come out with full white board notice on my not informing them of the issue. Uh, not really my fault I don't get paid attention to is it? And PS it was smoking before I used it, it's been smoking for weeks and your sitting there and honestly trying to sell me on the fine-ness of the oven as you used it right before me I don't buy it. You just didn't see the smoke? Right, that's why when I walked in the kitchen was all fogged with smoke. The oven just knew I was coming huh? I thought about writing back and instead went and said my piece. Whatever was smoking was there before I used the oven, way before and you can say what you want about it. Apparently I cook more then you because I've seen it for weeks and apparently I am way more observant to boot.

Yea, if only we could all just get along and be friendly. This whole us against you thing is lame. As if the world isn't a cold enough place already. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:21 PM

10 November 2006

i hope he never lets me down again :
It was interesting to take a space and time break yestereday. I was planning to go into work to suck up some overtime and make this next paycheque huge -> only I didn't do it. I did a whole lot fo nothing instead. I really can't say where the time went. Except for the hour at the mall getting supper and the 2 hours making supper, including adding a little grease to whatever was already burning in the oven. I got nothing but a few tv shows watched. I did a little crocheting and contemplated the meaning of idleness.

Having mt hopes dashed for me typically heralds a return to work in a blinding panic to achieve something, to prove my intrinsic value and absolute worth. I just don't care any more. I wish I did. I want to want to work like a maniac and all that, throw myself into something, anything with abandon. Work just doesn't jones me like it used to. In a way it was beyond high time for some mental and non social downtime. I got some quality me time in and I'm kinda really down with that. On the other hand it was mega creepy sitting there last night, in the middle of a double deja vu -> wondering if I didn't make the right decision the first time am I making it the next time and then realising that I never came to the deja vu place in time, I just had the same dream about that point, twice. Then wondering if that means that the turning point is extra special important or if I'm just sliding off the slope into mentally unstable already. I spent so much time wonderin that, that I totally forgot that it's about a decision. I didn't actively make any decision at all. I didn't come to any conclusions or plan squat.

Wonder how that's gonna work for me int he grand scheme of things. In my life to come, is it really so important that maybe I didn't make that life altering decision right there when that scene I'd dreamt of a twice popped up and I recognised it and felt the importance of it. Have I somehow managed to negate my entire existance by possibly failing to make the the single most important decision I've had to make yet? We'll see.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:59 AM

07 November 2006

just let it take you where it wants to only a fool puts limitations on love :
I've recently discovered I have no drive to achieve left. There are noises at work about firing the vocal disgruntled. there is tonnes of over time available. I don't want to think about any of it, much less do the over time. I should though. I need the money for that rainy day thing that everyone talks about. There are more and more reasons to save money and make plans and I am positively ambivalent about it.

Kind of like this blog. I'm falling off links rolls and losing readership weekly and no one even comments anymore, and I don't care. I started this to make a dent o hte world in a way, to leave a mark and make myself known and overall it's sort of like no one wants to know me or they're losing interest. I know it's the season and the weather and people have their own lives. What ever happened to reaching out? Whatever happened to making friends? What ever happened to social networking? If you're not constantly talkin about celebrities, politics, gossip, sex or your kids you can't keep a readership. The occassional weightloss and my thoughts blog rakes them in too. Am I just too out of the norm? Am I missing the magic potion to rake in the interested?

It's that unknown. I just don't have a clue and I have to guess it's that there's not enough sweetness and light here to keep people interested. It's the best hypothesis I can determine other than people don't like the 'voice' I use or the content of the blog sucks. Maybe it does. Maybe that is what no one is willing to say. Maybe it's no comment retalliation. I haven't been leaving remarks else where so I get none of my own. What ever ir is I'm not all gung ho to fix it. I'm just not gung ho to fix anything these days. I'll bebetter next year. When the foot has finally fallen into place :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:27 AM

02 November 2006

baby life's what you make it can't escape it :
In the mean time, while I've been gone, I hope you've been enjoying other things. As usualy I've been mining my own mind and I realised how I tend to shut myself of and switch directions endlessly. It's simple really. I lose interests easily. If something is too hard I stop doing it. If someone shuts me down in the least I walk away forever. It's not that I'm a quitter really. I'm insecure with who I am so if I try for something and meet any resistance I lose hope and freak out and feel badly. I guess I'm rationalising giving up aren't I?

I can't complain too much about my life. I'm alone a lot. It's better that way because people, being people, tend to be hurtful. Not intentionally, but sometimes even on purpose. What with an uncaring mom, abusive dad and spiteful sister -> I grew up and into the victim role well. Somethings are hard to get over or around. Maybe it's hard to give up. I just know that I go looking for friendship and fun and I tend to find the opposite. Some of it is me hiding inside myslef terrified to even say hello to someone. I have to force myself and it's always so shocking when the world doesn't end. It's really apparent my social phobias are internal and debilitating about 20 percent of the time. In some ways I've managed to circumvent them totally and I don't know how. In other ways they take me over completely and wrack me with this stifling depression over how totally crap I am.

It's winter, the tea time of my total mental melt down has arrived. I usually feel like a sordid kind of hell only over Christmas, while others regale me with the endless tales of happy families and good relationships. I have a laundry list of the dark side of life and thing gone horribly worng. And I dwell on it. I brood. I try to figure out how to atone and the thing is, it's all about things I think I may have possibly somehow done wrong. The curse of the responsible pleasing person. So how do I fix it??

It hit me the other night -> fuck fixing it. I probably say this every year, but right now I'm totally determined to leave the giant flaming issues of the past steaming there in the middle end of 2006. Yea I'm sick of myself again. I never learned how to cope. Never had anyone to talk to or rely on and in many ways I believe I never will, despite all evidence to the contrary. That's the rub. While I sit and wallow I devalue all the people that do and have cared. I negate all that I am given and do have because I focus only on the things I didn't get and don't have and managed to drop the ball on. Yea I suck, but who doesn't. I'm going to kick my neuroses one at a time and be happy about it. Or at least act happy about it because it feels so much better than wallowing. It really does.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:44 PM

MenTal fUrbAll