<!-- --><style type="text/css">@import url(https://www.blogger.com/static/v1/v-css/navbar/3334278262-classic.css); div.b-mobile {display:none;} </style> </head> <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d13240712\x26blogName\x3dMenTal+fUrbAll\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dSILVER\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d7038441246555938682', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script> Today's Honoured Guest

my peeps The Boys

RaJ
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OEN
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the pretty pictures

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blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.


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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05


From the ghost land of the easy life.

30 November 2005

ain't nobody does it better :
Well maybe somebody. I don't know them. Another 3 hours tinkering with my blog template and nothing I want it to do works. Right now I want to bludgeon myself. I don't do failure well. Oh, I know what people say but I'm not listening cuz it's what I'm pissed at today. I'm also pissed at the guy from work who was supposed to call so I could show him where the Christams party is going to be, didn't call. I didn't wait either but I gave it a good 3 hours before I went out and said to hell with you.

I did get it looking cuter to me tho and I hope RaJ and anyone else, doesn't have any seizures looking at the new title.

My room looks nicer today. A little more organising going on and some quality time sitting on the airbed. I went to Leons and looked at furniture. I can get a Klik Klak for 419 and tax or a double bed for 479 plus tax. Neither of which they will deliver without a 50 dollar fee. They suck. Seriously I'm right across the street and you wanna charge me 50 bucks and I have to wait all day for you to come over with the bed? UMM NO.

I did manage to find some crickets.











I do have a nasty looking picture of me. I think it's nasty because, like most girls I don't like my own photos. I did take it myself and I did manage to not look worse than I feel so it's not that bad I guess. Wanna see it? Of Course you do. I know it's just me saying so but I am very pushy and determined and it's not a bad thing. Now there's a face to go with all the information.






I'm incredibly boring right now. My 50 bruises and the idea that I'll have to go to the doctor and have my foot checked for glass are bumming me and I'm just tired. It's been a long week of moving. A really long week. I could sleep for days if everyone here would just be quiet that is. Ah learning to live with others will do me good.

Keep blogging.



ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:56 PM

29 November 2005

hey you :
I’m miffed.
I got online today. Finally since the whole shebang’s being weird and stuff. It’s wireless, there’s a router and the roommates are saying it’s the ISP.

I spent the day getting knocked around. I stayed up too late, got up too early and nothing went off without a hitch. I did manage to be a super packer, loader, unloader, unpacker and arranger. My new room is almost heaven – it just needs some furniture and we’re all aces.

I’m not that mad the super at my old apartment accused me of dumping a truckload of disgusting furniture in the garbage room and told me that they building has cameras and they can PROVE it was me. I told him to go watch the tape because I AIN’T on it and it AIN’T my furniture. I was split second away from busting out in tourrettes on his ass. How dare he. I looked him square in the eye and said my couch was orange not ugly like that one, and my stuff is in one of 4 places I’ll give you the numbers you can call them. I must have said it’s not my stuff 20,000 times and he SO did NOT understand it. He was convinced it was mine. Then the 'little birdie' (she wishes the old meddling battle axe may be better words) showed up and told me it was my stuff - as she had doubtless informed the super. Then she changed her tune to “I thought it was yours cuz you’re the only one moving out.” Well apparently NOT. Needless to say they were sore that they hadn’t foiled the conspiracy of ugly furniture. TOO DAMN BAD.

What really bugs me is that I’ve been de-blog rolled. I have a lot of names on my blog roll. I do actually visit the sites and read them at least every other day - when I can. I don’t always comment and such. This last month has been murder for reading and writing and commenting has been almost forgotten about. I do try. I have been keeping up. But some people have de-listed me like I died. First of all I can’t quite get the magic of getting everyone I link to, to link to me. There are a fair number who do and I’m so happy to know them and be blogroll pals. There are quite a few who haven’t returned the favour and I don’t know if it’s a rebuff, if I don’t meet standards but I’m being watched and then maybe added or if it’s just a clique thing and I don’t belong. I'm not really a cool kid. I obsess about having friends.

And I still can’t figure out how to fix my site. I’m feeling a bit unloved in blogland.

This is not to dis RaJ. You have done an amazing job of dropping by and leaving comments even when I fail to reply or comment on your site. You’re on the list. Earl* and I are doing the 12 steps of karma together, I need to keep the luck train running.

I will unpack my digital camera soon and I will post more picks and stuff. I may even have some real thoughts to throw on or maybe some poetry and I know there was no mental play list but there will be a top 20 this Sunday to make up for it.

Keep Blogging.
********************************
My Name Is Earl – Jason Lee – Carson Daly teaches him about karma TOO Funny.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:08 PM

28 November 2005

one for the money, two for the show :
So I'm back. Miss me? I got a weird ass comment in my email from Kevin Senter (I think) saying happy thanksgiving and then it's nowhere to be found on the blog. If he erased it is that why I don't see it?

Anyways. I'm all moved in but far from unpacked. I've had the time to install the wireless card in my computer and get online, because I'm all about what really counts obviously. I took 2 days off this week to do the moving, and since Thursday have been packing, hauling and loading various boxes and furniture. I became a mover and didn't know it. I'm not done yet either because tomorrow I go back to Brockville to hand in the keys and such and I get to help load up the OTHER half of carpool guy's apartment.

See there are 2 ways to load a van. The Right way and the Dumbass way. They chose option B, so they have boxes and boxes and bags and bags and their furniture now lives alone in a 2 bedroom out of town. Some people have limited experience in moving or thinking about space ahead of time. Now I can't draw a map to save a life, at least one that has real and easily quantifiable dimensions, but I can pack and plan space in my head like nobody's business. I'm glad I got here in one piece and nothing got seriously broken. Since it was ice rain and I didn't actually get to come home til 1 am last night I was happy to not have dropped my tv even though I did rip the leaves off one of my bamboo shoots and my jade tree (which is so heavy it needs steel reinforcements to stand upright now) lost several leaves; I AM the ONLY thing I care about that hit the ground while moving.

See I brought the last 6 boxes, bags, and whatever’s up with carpool guy last night. Then I got to watch the U-Haul for 2 hours while he and his g-f unpacked half of it so we could go get their new couch from half way across town. So we go out there and it's a disgusting ugly 60's lipstick shade of pink couch (and I'm so not a PINK lover (ok the singer is good the colour does nothing for me)) which he has to have because it's cheap. Now this thing is old. It's got those straight, been moved too much the WRONG way rip in the back along the frame that leather gets and it's HUGE. A 6 foot couch that I have to help him get out of a doorway barely big enough to get it in through, on a 100 degree angle. It wouldn't have been so bad but the unhelpful seller was all like be careful, don't ruin it, don't drag it. I was thinking shut up yoga pants girl because you aren't helping.

I'm all for being careful but I know 2 things. It was not a great couch to begin with the colour not withstanding, and the carpool guy got ripped off. I also know that this shrewish harpy has a complete Burlington's Coat Factory behind the door and has turned the exit we need to use to get the couch out, into a lovely place lined with a jumbo curio shelf and a freaking poncy upright miniature piano. Carpool guy is a frigging weakling. And I'm on the outside and he's inside. I'm trying to get him to move the couch up so we can get it over the logjam of furniture and onto the stairs. The whack job seller is whining and the more she whines the freakier carpool guy gets. I'm on the end going backwards down the stairs at 120 mph when we finally get the stupid thing unjammed. Of course he just wants to keep going like that and it woulda been ok but it's winter now.

So there's this weird thing wherefore no reason the ground rises about a foot and a half and it's solid and it's covered in snow, and I'm being propelled backwards by a speeding giant ugly ass pink couch. I hit this whatever the fuck it is and bam, BAM. I'm down. So carpool guy's g-f comes over and checks that I actually fell over something. "You're right. It is solid. I wonder what it is?" He's flipping out about the couch getting dirty and wet and what the hell am I doing etc, etc, etc. "I'm lying here in the snow, what does it look like? And the couch is on me NOT the ground so I can't get up." Eventually the forces of good conspire to throw carpool guy in reverse a bit and to allow me to get up so we grab the couch again. and his g-f says to me, like I have any control "It's not like I can get a good grip on this when you're moving so fast." Like I'm all along for the ride mini girl. Talk to the sockless wonder there and see why he's going 3000 mph with this couch like it's not going to just be a pain in the ass to get into the U-Haul.

It was. I was too big to go lengthwise. Of course he wouldn't listen to either of us when we tried to tell him it had to be angled into the truck. The couch nearly snapped him in two because he was all under it trying to move it the wrong way. It was sadly funny. SO we get it back to the apartment. And after the elevator from hell tries to crush me 3 times (seriously if it could talk it's be saying FUCK you I'm so closing, I don't care how many bones I break I'm CLOSING NOW) we get the ugly thing onto the elevator. Then into the hall and promptly wedge it into his door. Now it's after 11 pm, but I don't care because I'm not waiting til the couch gives in or someone chews through it to get out, to leave that night. It's wedged because the door is small and the hall is too short. The only way to get it in is to have the neighbour right across the hall open their door and let us pull the couch in and then through to his place. HE WON"T KNOCK.

SO I do. The girl is nice, understanding. It doesn't look like we woke her up or even scared her. Carpool guy is mortified. He's ready to die. Doesn't even speak to her at all just starts shoving the couch at me then dragging me into the apartment with it. Yea fun times. So tomorrow he has to go get the other half of his apartment in Brockville and I know he's gonna want me to help. I don't wanna. I didn't mind the hauling bags and bags of clothes because I'm a fashion victim/clothes horse too. I can even understand the boxes of books and videos and Dvd. But the 12 boxed of magazines. Nuh UH. I don't get the freakish attachment to the encyclopedias, which are not current either. The 2 of them are weird hoarders. AND then there's the assemble a bed that the brought out of the truck. It looks like it's been through about 100 floods; maybe Noah used it on the ark. It's a jigsaw puzzle and I don't get it but it seems to be old and therefore cool so maybe I'm just not that shabby sheik.

Oh and you thought this would be boring huh? Thought I'd have nothing interesting to say? Me too. I'm tired tho and I'm on the go again tomorrow so I'm off like a herd of turtles. I'll write soon.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:24 PM

25 November 2005

you'll learn to love it later :
I think I'm going to rename this place the cricket factory. I'm also now looking for a new MSN name and I'll get an email address for this place while I'm at it. I'm going to hock a bag full of cd's and dvd's and praying I don't do all this for nothing. I threatened to take my digital camera back. Now it's working, at least pretending to by letting me turn it on now, where before, not even that would happen. We'll see how it goes. I'm still freaking about losing 200 bucks of work hours by possibly taking tomorrow and Sunday off. I'll post later - just to keep myself informed since I can't remember anything anymore.

***********************

I was thinking earlier about why I don't like chocolate. Oh sacrelige I know. See I was with Y last night and she is totally grossed out that I like DARK chocolate not milk. When I was younger I hated chocolate anything. I was a Vanilla girl until I was like 12. It was then I discovered Strawberry. I converted to sometime chocoholic in my late 20's - after discovering a world of dark chocolate delights at Godiva. Before that it was pretty much the Terry's chocolate orange and the Pot Of Gold at Christmas that made my chocolate world revolve.

Nowadays there's the health kick thing and it seems every chocolateer is pandering to the health market with a dark chocolate version of their confection (except Mr Big, I haven't seen one in dark yet). I like chcolate milk and I will eat any old candy bar if I want to. Usually I hold out for the dark chocolate for any and all candies tho. Milk chocolate doesn't taste right and it gives me indigestion. Always has. Dark chocolate doesn't, unless I eat a lot. A giant Hershey bar for example, but that would make anyone sick I think.

So I'm thinking about that because it's the holidays and I was depressed a bit today because this moving thing ISN'T so much working out like I need it too. I've taken the day to hock stuff so I'm up 60 bucks. I can now afford to bribe someone to help me. I still have no names on that list. I'm back in the faith tho, I'm pretty sure this will all work out no matter how many days I miss work. After all it's only going to happen once and then I'm golden. To further calm myself I'm indulging in a Keanu Reeves - athon. I'm also gonna mess around with this page some see if I can tinker it into submission so bear with me. Unfortunately something happened to the person who was helping me revamp. Hope it's all working out ok. Now I'm left to my own devices and we're all gonna suffer under my dellusions of programming k?

I'll be back.

*********************
I'm back. Been detoured by a dog napping and a couple visits to a tittie bar to see Y's boyfriend and tell him 1st that she can tame his beast of a dog and 2nd that she can't tame his beast of a dog. My arms are killing me because I got to walk the beast of a dog, and try to keep it in the backseat while she drove. AND the PTB LOVE me and I have a way to move stuff tomorrow so now I'm packing like a mad person and I'm thinking it's be nice to have someone else do this shit. I never got a hold of carpool guy so he's gonna show up here and be pissed or maybe he'll forget me. I pray, I pray real hard. Anyways he didn't return my call so fuck him.

Yea I'm so not caring right now. I'm planning how the weekend will spin out and all that. I'm all on fire to get all this over and done with. I do what I can with what I have and pray for the best y'know. Thing is I have to let people in here Sunday to get shit outta here. And sometime I have to clean the mess I made leaving here and I'd rather get it all over with and then I'd be happier. My buddy, the Good Man1 will come by probably around noon so I have some time to get all this together and make it all work like a greasy machine. Plus I still have the chance to go with Carpool guy Sunday so I'll have it all ironed out by tomorrow night anyways. I think he'll be happy that I won't have anything to take really but am willing to help him move a bit. He needs some help with all that.

So about the dog napping - I was helping Y 'rescue' her new boyfriend's dog. Now I personally am a strict disciplinarian. I don't let my pets away with anything, but I love them so. Pets in general love me and I'm not always dying for the attention. Sometimes I don't want to pet the pet but the pet doesn't take no for an answer. Anyways. Y has a dog and she's totally this dog's bitch. That dog runs her better than anyone or anything else in her life. And the sad thing is that her dog didn't like the b-f's dog so it's back to living in the backyard in the cold and snow because no one wants to spend time with it because no one's had the patience to train it. See her b-f he is all into having a big dog to have a big dog, not cuz he wants to take care of a dog, train it or take it for walks or anything, it's an accessory. It's a crying shame but I'm not worried about the dog because Y is a dog person. She's gonna make that dog into a total dog that will also run her life, she's just going to do it by wheedling away at her b-f until he does something other than what he is doing with the dog. I expect in 6 months she'll have 2 dogs and a new man because of this.

Keep blogging. I'll be in transit so don't expect anything until Monday or maybe, Sunday night if I'm not dead.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:00 PM

24 November 2005

will i ever understand you :
This is where I'm going


This is where I'm leaving.


Huge size difference and all I really want is some one with a snoplow and closed cab truck to come by with some huge guys and then in the next hour I can get the 10 boxes I do have ready to go gone. I'm so disgusted with the weather. All week teasing me with nice snow free-ness and now it's snowing and really cold. It's a real pisser. Still moving stuff tonight.

************

Stuff moved. It's official I'm a wimp. I'm tired and I hardly moved anything. I'm fucking amazed at the amount of clothes I've given away in the last month and yat I still have a tonne of them left. I can't bring myself to part with any more of them. I don't want to spend time moving them either. Maybe I'll just leave them behind. Then I'm no further ahead because at some point I will have to replace them. I will need to get socks and shorts and tank tops again.

You have to understand I'm used to being poor so I have this attachment to my stuff. I can have a piece of clothing for ten years or more (and I have) and I keep it in excellent condition and wear it often enough to make it relevant to my wardrobe. I still miss items I used to have but that went to hole heaven, or I lost weight retirement. So the past while has been hard. I can't rationalize getting rid of anything I've had less then 5 years, because I haven't really used it yet. Add to that that I'm giving away the majority of furniture and household goods I've acquired in the last 8 to 18 months, and we have a new neurosis budding. I think I'll call this one post traumatic giving syndrome.

Oh and the hits keep on coming. Because I'm the A-type control freak I want to be involved in moving my stuff and I want to make sure I don't lose anything in the process. I trust carpool guy about as far as I can see without my glasses (I could throw him farther than that I swear). So the thought that I offered to give him and who knows else, the keys to my place and free reign to do whatever - is tripping me out. I also think that I'm going insane when just taking 2 days off sick to get all this done (because Carpool guy decided to tell me last night he's moving SUNDAY not TUESDAY like we've been planning - and OH YEAH he actually said "I'm helping you move since when." SMACK.) is making me worry about my job security and my possibility of making my room mates wonder what kind of whacko I am.

I've hit post traumatic giving stress disorder nirvana here because it's paired up with over achiever paranoia and the side order of self loathing I get every holiday season. I'm not feeling all bright and shiny but I want to be. And more than that I want to try to remeber that everything is going well. It really is. I don't need to let myself agonize over the trivial because in the long run it's all going so well I should be having my ass xrayed for horse shoes instead of my foot for glass. While I'm at it I think I'll have my head examined, I'm expecting them to find nothing there :)

I'm whacked out I know but all this is upheaval city and it's affecting my work and making my life a blur. I can't wait til I get some spin control on this ride because otherwise it's gonna make me hurl. I'm so confused I can't remember anything. I could barely remember my own name. I'm amazed I got by this far with out being called on my total lack of focus and inability to keep up the appearance of someone who was interested in anything. I feel like a navel gazer because in the last 24 hours I've been so self absorbed and obsessed I don't think anything has made a dent really. Other than the stress, I hate stress by the way. It's the purveyor of GERD in my life and closely associated with my Ex and therefore all things bad, obnoxious and wrong.

In the meantime I'm going to try (and fail) to watch the television shows I've missed all week. I'm going to try and make things work to my advantage and sell more of my stuff to afford the lifestyle I want to live, and the gas money I'll need to have to get all things squared away so that all is good and right in the world, or at least my little part of it. I'm looking to expand. Gonna get me an entourage so I can have someone to talk to and someone to go places with and someone else to lend me a hand. Yea I'm a dreamer.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:50 PM

somethings will never change :
Soon I'll hit post 200. Oh joy oh bliss. Just as attendance here has dropped to an all time low for the comments anyways. I know I've been away and boring, even more boring than usual. Just hoping someone missed me. *crickets*

I'm not gonna get the XM satellite radio service. But the ad where David Bowie stole Snoops' bling makes me crack a smile all the time. I graduated to cool kid this week I had my own lunch time posse. I got the benefit of 2 shortcuts to work and I got bitched out for being too quiet. Yea you heard me - too quiet. Apparently I'm not being too at homwe in the new house. I was accused of delibertely creeping around. I'm deeply suspect because I'm actually NOT disturbing people. It's a bit weird. I've never EVER had anyone object to me being quiet before. I really don't know where to gowith that, except to say today I played the radio if anyone in Big Brother was listening :)

Well things are weird. Carpool guy is moving everything Sunday. He's skipping work for it. He swears he will help me move my stuff and he'll come here get my dresser and bring it up Sunday. It's the only peice of furniture I'm taking. He swears the rest of my stuff can be moved in his car. I just hope all this shit works out cuz I don't need him to turn around at the end of the month and refuse to help at all. I'd be some pissed. I'm not joking.

NEWS OF THE FOOT:
It's still healing but I'm worrying still that there's something in there that didn't come out. I'm hoping I'm being paranoid and it's not true but until I go get an xray (can glass be xrayed?) I'm gonna worry I've got something unnatural in there. I'm pretty sure solid glass isn't biodegradable in any kind of way I want to know about in my foot.

CUTIE ALERTS:
I got to talk to my new crush. He makes fun of me for getting hurt all the time, which isn't true. Sure I cut my foot open and a phone fell off the wall yesterday and gouged a small 1/4 inch outta my hand. I'm not the poster girl for War Amps or Band Aids or anything. I got him back tho, I picked on his holey shoes. Yea I'm low. But why kick a girl when she's clumsy?

In other news some new guy I was talking too all of a sudden offered to buy me coffee. I think it was an overture because he started with giving me his papers to read so I wouldnt get bored. I'm feeling a little cocky since I have a lunch posse and all. I'm not gonna worry about what happens to my cool factor if my shifts get radically altered again.

I do have a pic of my room but I don't have a pic of here yet because my new camera has issues with batteries. Apparently it eats them up and spits them out in the 2.5 seconds it takes to try to get the power to come on. I'll get someone to take a pic of me and I will get pics of others. In the mean time imagine if you will whatever you want laced with the smell of a cheap plastic air mattress. My days in a nutshell. Add to that the odd feeling that I hadn't lived this life, the life I have here, in years as I got out of the car tonight at midnight (the witching hour) and you ahve a real idea of how screwed up all this has been so far.

Just so you know I counted today and since I was born 18 January 1971 I have had 36 addresses to my name. More than 1 a year. WOW. As a capricorn I balk at the idea I've given up so much stability in my life by shuttling around and around. I'm a gypsy. I'm also wondering what I'm all so not missing by living in a room instead of a place alone. Well I know I'm missing a certain ability to bring people home, but I'm all about single guys that have their own place right now and there are a few shortlisted so I'm getting them all lined up for knocking them down at the Christmas party. It's the only function we have that I know people will be at. Yea I sound slutty. It's been a while, forgive me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:48 AM

21 November 2005

i am cheap and see through :
I've been thinking lately about how unfun moving is.  I'm so sad to be going to just a room but on the otherhand I can't shake a stick at the ammenities and the price and everyone seems nice.  I actually got to sleep in a bit today so I sorta feel refreshed.  I'm maybe even feel ing a bit cheeky.  I got myself a coke Zero today.  It's ok but nothing like they make it sound.
 
I'm doing ok but I've hit the first snag on the road to the new room.  I got an air mattress, great idea right?  Except I'm allergic tocertain kinds of plastics and guess what.  It's THAT kind of plastic.  AND it smells awful.  So awful I have to keep my window open because I'm afraid I'm gonna die of the fumes.  There should be a warning label on these things, seriously.  Because this one's not great I'm hesitatnt to get a more expensive one that may cause the same problems.  Or not.  Not all air mattress are made tha same.  Plaus the one I do have loses air overnight, I'm giving it the benefit of stretching right now so if it doesn the same thing overnight I'm definitely taking it back and complaining.  Well taking it back anyways.
 
I'm not doing much exciting right now.  Living for my weekend and the 2 solid days off that come with that.  Lots to do and give away.  Hopefully Carpool guy will be a mensch and come pick me up Wednesday night so I don't have to take the train home Thursday morning.  If he won't I'm a gonna be broke, broke, broke for a while.  Of course there's a host of hockables sudeenly up for grabs that I can get rid of now and will for the money :)
 
I just want to say that the reall peeve of my days is people and guys specifically, that think telling me how to live my life is a good idea.  I know I have almost 2 university degrees, a college diploma and brains for miles.  I do not feel like I am wasting my time doing what I am doing.  No I'm not a teacher and No I'm not working in 'my field'.  I don't own any land ok - so I'll work in anyone's field.  Nuff said.
 
Keep blogging.
 
 


Find your next car at Yahoo! Canada Autos
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:38 PM

20 November 2005

mental playlist from the corners of my mind :
I know it's Turkey Day down south this weekend, which I'm hoping is like going to make the next couple of days quiet at work. I can dream. I'm bringing a pad and paper and I'll write down anything interesting that crossed my mind to share ok? There will be things here this week, promise.

I'll be back soon. Miss me.

10) poeple are people - depeche mode
9) i'm not your lover - jann arden
8) white room - eric clapton
7) sara - fleetwood mac
6) heaven - the psychedelic furs
5) liza (all the clouds roll away) - thelonius monk
4) the stage - live
3) walk on the ocean - toad the wet sproket
2) you and me - lifehouse
1) beautiful day - u2

Beautiful Day
The heart is a bloom, shoots up through the stony ground
But there's no room, no space to rent in this town
You're out of luck and the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck and you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend to take you out of this place
Always
Someone you could lend a hand in return for grace
Always

It's a beautiful day
The sky falls and you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road but you've got no destination
You're in the mud, in the maze of her imagination
You love this town even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over and it's been all over you
Always

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light, and
See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

Day

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

It's warm in the sun, I reach to the sun

Keep Blogging!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:15 AM

19 November 2005

at the end of the day :
Give a girl a paycheque and one day and she will get new shoes, socks, fill her perscriptions and get a low end digital camera. Not El Cheapo but no really tricked out one either. Just one that works and does what I need it to.

I have a place to live in Otawa. Now the REAL fun begins. I'll be away til Wednesday night and then I'll try to have some intelligent things to say. In the mean time I'm going to take picks and regale you with them.

So here goes the pics. First up the orange couch and the crazy sheets. More to follow. I'll be gone tomorrow but I will get a pre-emptive Menatl Playlist up before I go and then it's all waiting with baited breathe til I get back to chat again. I'm glad the email post thing worked and it looks ok. I will try the audio post sometime just to do it and also because I'm not planning to be so cheap I can't make a long distance phone call to talk to ya'll. I won't post new posts today I'll just be addidng to this one. Keep checking it will get better :)
My Orange half moon couch, $8.65.


The Crazy Sheets.


The foot, doing ok under my care.


What moving looks like here at casa furball.

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:00 PM

15 November 2005

i beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden :
We have a little free time right now so I thought I'd drop you a line.  Yesterday was a bad scene.  I talked to that student loans lady and she's trying to tell me that I owe the Federal government money, yeah I do - but she's then telling me I have to pay it all right now up front.  I laughed at her.  She then told me that they will take me to court and get a permanent lien on my Social Insurance Number and take 30-40% of my paycheques til it's paid off or 15 years and either way I have to go to court and pay for having it removed.  So she told me I'd have to pay for court twice, because all the court fees the collections agancey incurrs getting the lien will be added to my bill.  Yeeha.
 
Add to that getting up early to be here with Carpool guy and his g-f, I was so unimpressed by the time I got to work.  Double bad vibe points go to carpool guy and his g-f.  Her for making a big thing out of putting on makeup in the car on the way in because she didn't 'want to look like she didn't care' (jab) and she ended up looking like an  ugly halloween troll or one of those evil biting dolls from Barbarella (jab back).  Him for having agiant spaz while taking me to the place I'm staying this week.  He didn't/wouldn't take the exit I told him too.  Argued endlessly that he knew better and I had us lost and he was gonna stop the car, throw me out and he ws gonna go back to work to hell with me.  STRESS.
 
I threw the map at him called him an ungrateful p-r-i-c-k and proceeded to get us to the place.  He, of course, got lost getting back.  It's so not my fault that he doesn't know Ottawa after living here for years, can't read a map, and is worse than that girl that always falls down running away from a serial killer, when it comes to freaking out about nothing.  Oh yea I wished he was never born yesterday.  Geez Louise.
 
So now I'm all rested up, but the weather is bad.  I'm not able to read blogs here at work and I have no idea what's been going on with anyone.  I'll try to catch up Friday night/Saturday.  In between more moving madness and trips to the pawn shop for money that is :)  If the weather doesn't cause me to slip and fall and break something I'll be happy.  They're calling for freezing rain tonight and I only have my sneakers to get me from the bus stop to the apartment.
 
Now it's your turn, drop me a line and keep blogging.


Find your next car at Yahoo! Canada Autos
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:46 PM

13 November 2005

i should be hoping but I can't stop thinking :
Been MIA. Sorry. Kinda been trying to find my way round the massive accumulation of the lives I've led. Through the only bowling trophy I ever got, my science fair award, report cards, reports, old journals, old day planners, old work stuff I didn't need then and should never need again. My mom ws here today. She came to fill out the paper work to help me get that apartment I can't afford but have begun to hallucinate about decorating. She took home bags of stuff I don't want to move with me. It was kinda fun loading her up. She usually does that to me when I leave her place :)

I can now circum-navigate the apartment without jumping any hurdles or hurting myself while causing an avalanche. I have so much crap tho and I'm having a hard time parting with it. My foot is doing great. Some of those silver healing elastoplast bandages, the occasional peroxide bath for cleaning and the general not being shoe bound is doing wonders for it. To give it a taste of the week to come I walked up the street and back today to get lunch/dinner/lunch for tomorrow. I'm going to be dreading the whole 4 days vacay for work thing until I know I can get where I need to and never miss the bus. I so don't want to get stranded anywhere. That would beyond suck. Yesterday for fun I did laundry and pawned of a couple more boxes of stuff on Y. I'm making her life very easy because whatever she doesnn't want she gives to her friends and now she has a stock of perfectly good presents to give.

I'm thinking this will all end up with me living in a room somewhere missing all my stuff while it sits in storage and that's sad but it may be the immediate future for me. That and that evil student loan woman is calling leaving messages again, and insinuating that I am NOT calling her back on purpose. But I DID call her back and I told her that she needs to talk to my TRUSTEE. So I called her back again and told her AGAIN to call my TRUSTEE. I know in a couple weeks she'll just call again. Soon my phone will be disconnected so that'll fix her for a little while anyways.

I've been thinking a lot about how apartment sounds alot like apart - meant to be that way. I'm not so much wanting to be apart. I want to be together. I want to hang, chat and in all myvisions of my near future I see myself sitting alone on a parquet floor trying to entertain myself. I may go mental and refuse to go to work anymore and have to be hauled out of the nearest closet (perhaps that really big walk in one but I can't hold my breathe I've seen the application) and strapped into a wraparound shirt. Well it would be a whole new way of life that.

I think at most times one is pretty much insane. You only get certifiable when you stop being able to resist the urges to do the wack things that cross your mind. At least it's my POV on the sanity issue. I talked with my manager yesterday and he says I'm doing just fine and it's all good. It was made clear that cutting people off and pushing them around on the phone is ok if you appologise and if it makes your calls shorter. It's nice to have goals right? Now if only there wasn't a ile of script that we have to say on each call, 2 minutes less right there if we never had to say that.

Scattered much? Well yes I am and I still have to do the Mental Playlist :-)


10) rock a little (go ahead lily) - stevie nicks
9) black horse and the cherry tree - kt tunstall
8) because of you - kelly clarkson
7) broken - seether featuring amy lee
6) the show must go on - queen
5) this woman's work - kate bush
4) down by the water - pj harvey
3) it's a good life if you don't weaken - the tragically hip
2) doesn't remind me - audioslave
1) anger as beauty - hawksley workman

ANGER AS BEAUTY

Gather at the church
Say a quiet prayer
Hold each other's hands
Praying that you might be there

In honesty and peace
With the whispers of your god
Falling on your ears
Falling on Your ears

This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty.
This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty...

Melt your silver down
Kiss your lover's face
The sirens start to sound
And you're caught up in the only place
Where the honesty of fear
Makes a battle like a song
Falling on your ears
Falling on Your ears

This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty.
This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty...

Fighter soul alive
In a whiskey fueled rage
The tears burn in your eyes
The saddest of the souls to save
Sings lovely in its fear
With a voice that's Broken/strong
Falling on your ears
Falling on your ears

This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty.
This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty...

Lover don't you wait
Lover you'll be safe
Strangest quiet in the streets
Fighters for the love dug deep
They're under paved ports
Gently lifting up a song
Falling on your ears
Falling on your ears

This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty, anger as beauty.
This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty...
This is anger as beauty, anger as beauty...

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:17 PM

11 November 2005

but you loved you the most :
I saw a great place today. The lvinig room is too small and it's too expensive but it's right across the street from the job and you can't beat that with a stick. I'm not sure how I'd managge paying 675 a month (all inclusive) and then phone and cable/internet. I probably won't get it because of the credit check and the bankruptcy but it has this amazing walk in closet. I could live there, in the closet, and other people could rent the rest of the place. I'm going to take my chances and apply, because I need to try more to get this all sorted out instead of flipping out and then never getting a place without a melt down ensuing. Yea because I can avoid like that, and it never ends well.

The foot is struggling with the reality that even new skin will come off because it sweats too much with the sock and the shoe and the padding to save my sock the ooze. No infection so far but I really wish I had a go to nutball who'd just sew it shut for me. I can't do it myself. Maybe if I was left handed, but even then nah. All the band aids and such came off with my sock yesterday. It was wild and not the ugliest thing I've seen but I wasn't impressed that it wasn't even a day after being blown off again that the whole thing came off.

I got stay next week so I may not be here, I may have Lins guest post and or post my stuff if I can't get the email thing to work or maybe I'll voice post. Like anyone wants to listen to me???

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:06 PM

09 November 2005

my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on :
So for a good dose of Sexual innuendo go by Lab Boy's place. I can't leave a comment but maybe you can. It maybe a blogger thing I don't know but I'm copting and pasting everything before I publish tonight just in case.

My foot is still bleeding. The glue and tape has mostly come off so I called emerg and they said you can come if you wanna, "I can't tell you what to do." were the exact words. It's pissing rain so I paid for a cab there and back to have yet another 'nurse' put more tape and bandaids on it and tell me I could just go to Walmart and get my own bandaids. DUH, but they seem to be missing the point that the glue didn't take and the tape didn't hold and now I'm gonna have this really ugly scar about 4 inches long and 1/4 inch wide. But it's ok, cuz it's on my foot so it doesn't matter says useless - err the nurse. Apparently concern for one's own well being is not seen as the norm in the healthcare field. Or at least the employees here in hicktown just don't care. I vote for the Don't Care thing. After all they have a corner on the market here, there is no one else for almost an hour.

Had another phone interview for Dell tonight. Got a management interview the end of the month. I was told to brush up on my tech skills. Umm, like you didn't ask me any tech questions so what are you alluding too - woman from haych arrr? I don't really care to bone up because I did the math myself and it's just a bit over 13 an hour to go work for them at starting pay and doesn't start til the first of the year anyhow. So getting all in love with the idea right now is only going to lead to delusions of granduer and I need reality with me right now. Right now I need something to eat cuz I'm really hungry but I have to go to bed soon. ERG.

So I'm going to get into the car tomorrow and after work we're supposed to go look at apartments. We'll see what happens. I also have to make arrangements for next week, when we'll be on totally different shifts and have different days off I'll need somewhere to stay. Yeeha.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:13 PM

08 November 2005

sadness is all that ever happens but we have our eyes set dead on the ocean :
Big shout out to all my peeps. Thanks for the kind words Dash Bradley, anon, Kate and Raj.

Dash _ I do still have and di have a legally required person to go to hospital with me the time before this. He told me he was going to work and then called in compassionate leave and spent the day in bed whil I spent 8.5 hours in emergy where I was water, ultra sounded and full body CAT scanned before being sent home with a note (so he could get away with the leave and I woudn't get fired) and 5 days worth of oxycocet for the pain. They were fairly cetain early on it wasn't appendicitis but they had no idea what 'it' was that was causing the OMG pain, that I couldn't be relieved of becuase it had to be diagnosed first. After the blood and urine and the embarassing gown travelling the halls with an iv and eating in the caf with my bank card day, I was fine. I know they kept me to make sure I wasn't going to spike a fever (no malpractice here) and/or drop dead. Once that was pretty much eliminated I was free to go. And everyone was nice and understanding and had no problem answering my questions. It was attitude free. Unlike yesterday. I can deal with the wait and the BS but don't give me attitude and treat me badly ever. It makes me angry and I take it from no one.

Raj - Sorry to spoil your illusions of public health care here in Canada. It's usually a wait no matter where you go. It's because we have a staffing and funding crisis, or so the news says. See above, generally it's pretty good to go to emerg. I think the doctors can be relieved to see someone who isn't on drugs, bleeding and or violent. Sometimes you aren't as interesting because of it. I dislike the doc's that want to keep poking or prodding where it hurts, like it's fun. I slapped the hand of the doctor who, 14 times, poked me in the same blindingly painful spot when I had sprained my shoulder. He told me not to do that, like a spoiled kid who wanted to tell mama on me. He didn't poke me again tho. I woulda slapped him again.

Anyways I did the Dell testing today. It was mind numbingly easy. I say that because for the first 40 minutes I was there I did nothing but wait. Then I finished the 3 hour testing in less than 2 and I would have done it faster if the testing was all at your own pace but a lot of it was held up by the computer. It was the evil monotone teacher reading all the stuff you could read yourself - to you. Making you wait endlessly for the answers to choose from but rushing you for an answer (simulated pissy caller) if you actually wanted to look it up. God forbid. I have a brain like a seive, so unless I do it a lot I don't learn it. It just gets filed away and take out of RAM - so to speak. I've functioned efficiently like that all my life. (OK not so much when it happen yesterday and I cut my foot - and did I tell you I had to explain that I was not domestically abused 5 times - because I live alone and my EX is in another city? Sheesh.) Anyways they want to call me tomorrow to set up an interview. Like I have all the free time in the world to just hanf g out and wait for them and am living for them. Umm I KNOW I told them I'm employed.

I was THE ONLY girl there for the testing group. There were other women there, all in HR tho. I got a lot of looks. I got a lot of other looks when I was the first to walk out of testing. I figure I pooched the last call scenario about half way. But I so don't care. I wanted out of there. Carpool guy was late so I didn't get to go get an application for the place I wanted. I didn't call anywhere cuz I was pretty sure that would happen. While I was testing carpool guy and g-f went off apartment hunting. They said they saw 1 place and the price changed twice from what it was advertised as. Also he was shocked that they would want last month's rent up front to hold the place. DUH, have you never rented an apartment in the city? It bugs me a bit that he doesn't listen to a word I say. I know he thinks I'm 18 but c'mon - I haven't been wrong YET.

So I was thinking for my new uses of old inventions flair with Always maxi pads. I'm still using them on my foot cuz it's still bleeding here and there and it saves my socks. Thing is instead of using the whol thing I can cut it up and use the sticky side to attach it to my sock and then I won't waste so much of it, it will stay in place and my whole foot won't be surrounded by plastic. Then I was thinking that it made sense that on any kind of irritated spot you had that required a buffer but not a cover, you could do the same thing. Now I'm not saying ALways will rush out an strike up an ad campaign based on the new versatility of their product as a band aid replacement/gause dressing alternative; but I'm sharing it with y'all becaue you should know that, in a pinch, feminine protection products are useful to non-women.

Got these from Glo:
Which sexy actor will you marry?
by Aurian_Fry
Name/Username
Age
Fave place to be kissed
You will marryViggo Mortensen (Aragorn, Lord of the Rings)
The marriage will last how many years27
Why will he leave youHe didn't leave you - you left him, the grass is always greener.
Quiz created with MemeGen!


What Makes You Sexy?
by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part IsNothing
Special Talents AreEverything (Multi-talented)
Quiz created with MemeGen!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:56 PM

07 November 2005

feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one :
************WARNING BITCHING, WHINING, BLOOD AND PISSYNESS FOLLOW****************

I am Monday's child and Monday fucking hates me with a passion. Thinking I'd wait out the giant storm of celestial blah blah from this Mars retrograde thingy I was all doing that downsizing thing. While I was at unpacking and repacking stuff and getting rid of crap, I took out my old wish jar. It was a Kraft peanut butter glass bear head. It sldi off the bed and broke on the floor. I thought at the time, no big I'll get it later. Later, after forgetting it was there, I stepped on the broken top edge of the still intact jar bottom, slicing a giant smile into the bottom of my oh so flat right foot. I proceeded to curse and scrabble to the bathroom, stopping just long enough to determine that there were not huge shards of glass hanging out of my foot.

Leaving a trail of blood, I got into the bathroom and put my foot into the tub to run cold water over it. I won't lie. I was gonna pass out. I was grossed out to the max, which is why I'm not an EMT. I'm too emphatic. Real blood and pain hurts me to see. Movie blood and pain isn't the same. So there I am, thinking Holy shit I'm gonna faint here and bleed to death from my foot or crack my head open and maybe even drown in the tub. I'm so melodramatic when I see spots and my ears ring and my vision narrows to a dark tunnel.

I fought it off. I made myself breathe. Calm down I said to myself. Just breathe. You're ok, you can do this. You're gonna be fine. Okey dokey. I got it together after about 15 minutes. I just focused on the Price Is Right and Bob Barker whining about how he'd had his putter stolen and hadn't found one he liked or got a hole with since. I focused on how I didn't want more blood on the carpet and how I was gonna get dressed, get my health card and a cab and go to emerg.

I pulled my shit together. I took out an always maxi pad and wrapped it adound my foot and then taped it down with the last of my adhesive medical tape on the nifty metal spool. I decided to crawl out to my departure, and then got out into the main room and realized I had all my boxes everywhere so I would have to stand up to get to the clothes and shoes and money and phone. So I pulled myself up with the dresser and dumped everything off it onto the floor breaking my favourite keepsake jar. Yea, but the mirror was fine so I won something.

After cleaning all that up, picking up all the loose odds and ends and stuffing them in the dresser and then cleaning up the glass from the bear head. I got dressed. I called a cab and went straight to hell. At emerg there were exactly 2 people there infront of me. It was 11.30. By 12.30 the place was filling up. I had a wheel chair but not one with foot rests. When I was triaged they soaked my foot, wrapped it in gauze and stuck a boottie on it. They have the A/C going mach 10 there so I was cold. It was warmer outside at a crisp 5 degrees celsius. After hanging out for like 3 hours I dared ask what the wait time was. I got attitude. The nurse said I should have known to bring a book because the wait would be long and there was 6 people in front of me. She asked this after looking at my chart. Where I'm pretty sure it mentioned that I came in bleeding from slicing open my foot. But where was my head? I should hung out a bit more and got my lunch, books and a walkman in order before seeking medical attention.

Yea so 5 hours later I'm sitting in a curtain and the 'new' doctor comes to see me. By now my foot's been twinging and bugging me for hours. I've had to take a broke ass wheel chair outside and half way around the building (because you can't go anywhere from emerg) to get food and a book to read. I've run into the new triage nurse smoking with her pal and telling me I should have walked, as I struggle to get the chair to go straight and uphill. The new chair I got in the main part of the hospital had the foot rests but went to the right, almost exclusively. I kept going past her and her friend saying "Yea and you could help me if you weren't so busy on a smoke break and then you wonder why people don't feel sorry for you when you complain about your job and you want to strike for more money - becuase you're just so busy doing nothing."

Maybe not the best thing to say. She doesn't like me now. Kept giving me the evil eye after that. Oh fucking well. So 'new' doctor looks at my foot and I have to, for the 50th time today, regale her with my stupidity as to how I got the cut. I'm being a pussy now too. Saying ow to everything. Like when the bandage sticks to the cut, like when the irrigation and tweezers sting. I guess they thought I would cry (I wouldn't I was just keeping my eyes shut so I wouldn't be imagining how what she was doing would feel) so 'new' doctor insisted that having freezing shots in my foot would be too painful and unnecessary. Yes I did need stitches but she was equally sure that this blue glue and little white strippy things would do the trick just as well. So they make me lie on my stomach and glue and strip my foot. Then I get the big DON'T GET IT WET FOR 72 HOURS talk and a piece of paper that says the same. They say walk on it normal, it'll be fine.

Thing is it isn't. It hurts. I can deal. But it's breaking open and bleeding a lot. Like when I first cut it. And so I called them up and asked if that was ok, blood is wet and I'm not supposed to get this wet for 3 days, and it's bleeding a over. Should I come back. The freak on the phone is all like "No you're fine it will ooze a bit and that's ok. You should see the blue glue it will take it'll be fine." And I'm like "Um no it's not oozing it's bleeding, I'm leaving a trail like when I first cut it open, and there's no blue there's the blood and the white stips covered in blood but no blue nothing.' Her response? "Well put pressure on it and if it doesn't stop in 20 minutes then come back."

Umm well ok, of course it stopped. I'm not moving. But I live ALONE. I am going to HAVE TO MOVE at some point. No one else is going to bring me water or food or pee for me. So now I'm all depressed. Because I am alone. No one I knew would even come and wait with me in emerg. Sure Y came and picked me up and brought me to Walmart and then home when I was all glued, but she didn't stay to help me make a path around here. She wants me to call her and let her know how I'm doing but she's getting drunk and high with her new boy toy, so she can't/won't come with me to the emerg if I have to go back. My family? Oh they want a call too, to know what's going on but I can't expect them to come down and hang with me like I'm called upon to do when they go to hospital.

Right now I'm so sad that I'm alone, I almost wish I had passed out and drowned in the tub; because then there would not have to be a next time something huge and scary and painful happens to me and nobody cares enough to show up. I wouldn't have another night worrying about how I was gonna make it and get all I need to get done done while I take it easy enough not to permanently damage myself further. Because let's face it. I only have me. I have good friends, flung far and wide, who would help if they could. But I am here and they are there and at the end of the day - if I choke on chinese food and die alone like Miranda feared in Sex And The City, those people would miss me. But I'd still be dead, becuase I'm alone and I don't even have a cat to eat my dead body. Yea I'm wallowing. I warned you.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:51 PM

06 November 2005

leads you here despite your destination :
I finally have time to read blogs. I've been reading since I got home at 10-6 tonight. I miss not knowing what's up with people I've chosen to read. Mostly because the blogs I read are the most permanent relations I have with people these days. I live my life in transitory spaces and eventually I leave everyone behind. I don't always leave comments because I don't always have anything even remotely interesting to say. And good writing needs good comments, or something a little heart felt I think.

I'm a bit sad I don't get more comments since I do go to a lot of blogs (my blogroll tells not even an 8th of the tale) and comment and for some weird reason I thought that leaving comments would be how others found you and became readers, outside of reciprical blogrolling that is. I don't have any personal patience, it's all used up in my work life where I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy and a bottle in front of me then talk to the people who call on weekends. Add to the fun a full on server meltdown for half the day and you have an idea of what I was dealing with today. Yes children tech support neede tech support. Feel the irony?

I just want to say that I have a problem. Some of my more avid readers (not you thirty second blinkers) may have already guessed. I LOVE men. It's so bad that if you could actually hear what was going on in my head at any given time I'd be arrested. I break a lot of laws in the confines of my head, where there are no inhibitions, no rejections, ridicule or rules. I have hang ups in the real world. My appearance for one. My weight for another. My age, last but not least. I'd hate to be accused of deception but I good age guessing abilities. So when not more than 25 is flirting with me I feel guity cuz I know he doesn't know how old I am; I, approximately, know how old he thinks I am. Add another albatross to my growing inhibitions - my fear of other people's oppinions. I've become the classic definition of the lonely geek. It's all in my head, not in my life. Oh dear.

So my resolution is to get out there. I'm all chatty cathy these days. Talking to and smiling at anyone and everyone (not so much worried about stalkers here). I've had fear in my life a long time and it is hard to get rid of. I got married out of fear of being alone/never being wanted or good enough. I got so far into student debt out of fear of not living up to expectations of my friends and family (none of whom cared or even want to help) and I am more or less driven by the fear of being nothing and poor. I have low expectations of myself and others and they usually get met. Sad to say I know. But things are changing. I am realising that the first step is not just knowing what the problem is, but alerting others to it and telling them you are now my deputy - help me fight this in myself. It's also finding a way to marvel in the wonder of yourself.

I'm amazing myself these days. Doing the Oprah-esque being thankful thing in a way. I'm just trying to pay attention to the little things I do. I figure if I pay attention to myself in positive ways I can change my negative self perceptions. Breaking them down little by little until they just don't exist and are replaced by other things. Better things and more importantly - self loving things. I know I can do it because I am an achiever.

Mental Playlist's Top Ten

10) close to you - the cure
9) wild boys - duran duran
8) aurora - the foo fighters
7) these are the days - paul westerberg
6) private conversation - lyle lovett
5) 1000 oceans - tori amos
4) solace of you - living colour
3) libertine - good riddance
2) silence is thier drug - sponge
1) songbird- eva cassidy

Songbird
(Christine McVie)

For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before

To you I would give the world
To you I'd never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before Like never before

Like never before
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:23 PM

05 November 2005

but I prefer it all to be out in the open :
I pitched a bit of a fit on the way home today. I don't know why people on the weekend have serious brain damage and decide to call in for tech support. Could you please go to rehab and then call? I'm not saint enough to be able to listen to you scream angrily in my ear like I'm a moron when you arent' a) listening to what I say to do or b) doing what I say. I am not the moron here. I can follow directions and I don't need to be told 5-10 times how and what to look for and do. It's nice you love me and are happy when we're done but now I'eaf and wishing I had a transporter so I could pop by and throttle you. Yea you, you know who you are. Beligerent jerk.

Anyways I was over at my fave horoscope site www.freewillastrology.com when I can across this. It's maybe not what you belive but it's cool and it's good spirited and we all need some of this mojo, reword it to suit yourselves. Wish I'd wrote it and so I share it with you go there, read it!!!!!

Well week after next carpool guy and I have totally different schedules, which means if I keep mine I spend a week in Ottawa living on someone's floor. Or I beg to have my schedule changed to his OR I try to trade with somone and definitely end up the loser of the deal. I'm feeling quite blessed to have a 2pm shift. I'm liking the idea of sleeping in just a little bit anyhow. I'm totally maxing out on the fact thaat I have nowhere to live and less and less time to make that happen and so much non help getting it done. I wish I was cloned and could send clone to work while I went off and finagled a great place with (possibly) cool roommates. To dream, perchance to live that dream.

Keep blogging.

OH PS

I see you guys from all (6 people from 4 countries like Germany, US, Poland, China and Spain) coming by. If you don't want to comment at least leave a pin. Pretty PLEASE.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:18 PM

04 November 2005

it's alright, I know it's right :
Ok. I'm back. Made it through another long drive back here after a long day of being everyone's favourite (you're a girl?) tech specialist. Oh don't get me wrong, I feel the love and all. Now if only that made the fear that's churning in my belly go away. Mostly I'm afraid that bad things are looming on the horizon. I guess I'm worried that things are going too well and that there is no way it can keep up that way. It's just because previously things never went that well for long before. It's a theme around many blogs this day, but I'm worried that I'm holding onto things form the past and they may be the defeat of my upward goodness. I'm my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. My own worst frenemie?

I'm procrastinating. Sure I am. There's nothing else for me to do really. Until I know what's what and all, I have no real way to decide what to do with what and all that. Yea it's the riddle of the what. Hee hee. I won't really have time to post anything in depth or delightful or even interesting til Monday. I don't have enough hours in the day or a laptop with it's own built in wifi server so I can be online all the way from here to work and back. If I could do that you'd knw I'd be rich, everyone would be paying me for the way to be online everywhere and anywhere they are. Aah the dream.

I'm contemplating getting one of those donate money to me accounts, thought I feel bad because I'm not that bad off. If I could get someone to give me 50 grand I could thumb my nose at them student loans collectors and then I'd be laughing and scratching all the way to my only went bankrupt oce death. As it is I'm worried now that I'll be scrimping and saving my way to the bankrupt twice and just a loser death. I have a lot of grandly overblown fears. It's never that bad, but I think all my melodrama gets filtered into money worries and that's why I'm so cool about relationships. I have no need to get all Scarlet O'Hara (did I spell that right?) over the guy and what's going on. I do that all over my wallet and how thin and unused it is so I have nothing left over for the man - unless he's adding to said thinness and unused ness. Then the melodrama abounds, I'm sure.

I could win an oscar for money melodrama. I think it's a being poor by product. I feel that it's awfult to live with so little. I've got the material sickness to some degree but I've also got the want something better fever and a slight touch of the meaning of life shakes mixed in. At the end of the dead I don't want my headstone to read Amber 1971-whenever, whatever. I'm gonna be someone, eventually. It's taking a while but all I can say is, I'm working on it a weeee bit at a time.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:01 PM

03 November 2005

gimme, gimme, gimme :
A break. I can't believe no one's complaining about Madonna's new song. Ok yea I need something to write about. I need a break from Hung Up. It's everywhere and Abba did it first. Not only that, woman put some clothes on. As part of the record buying public I don't need to see your butt cheeks hanging out all over while you try to be 70's and 80's hip in one outfit. Notice how she doesn't leave any prints on the mirror she's dancing with, or breath marks. Can't be trying that hard if you can't leave a mark is all I have to say.

I'm flustered. I'm not officially out of bankrtuptcy and ALREADY I'm getting calls from collection agencies. Piss me off. I'm being bad, as a deadbeat bankruptee I'm also bouncing my rent cheque this month. I know they'll let me pay half now and half later anyways but I didn't plan it this way. Pray I don't wake up dead tomorrow cuz carpool guy just loses it on the highway. Shit always happens in threes, so you don't forget the sting I guess.

I still don't have anywhere to live and only 27 days to find a place. Carpool guy's g-f got hired at work today. She's doing customer service and therefore will be paid less. He ripped her head off because she wouldn't even try the tech test. I said "Great you got a job." I didn't think she could do it. I don't know her that well tho so I'm going on looks alone - I know bad me. Carpool guy is a necessary evil like almost everything in my life these days. I can't ditch him til mid month when I have enough money to pay to live in the city. I can sleep on a few air mattresses until then but I'm paranoid about leaving my stuff here alone. Not that I think it'll miss me or anything, but it's more like I'll miss it when people steal it from me. It's gotta be a pack rat thing. And I'd miss my blog and all my readers :)

I've gotta go get ready for another early day. This one's starting at 4:30 am and will go on until close to 9 pm as possible. Long days. Short nights and not much fun for me :( Haven't killed anyone yet or even had the urge to pitch a fit, so I know I like what I'm doing so far.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:53 PM

02 November 2005

my weakness is that I cared too much :
Bumping along here. The varying pre dawn hours are taking their toll on me. I'd rather be drinking a lot then waiting around for hours before work (cuz carpool guy starts before me) and after work (an hour in traffic on the 417 cuz carpool guy doesn't believe in listening to the traffic report); I was up at 4.30 and 13 hours later I was finally home to figure out how to spend time before I fall into a waking coma. Sheesh!

I'm getting along okey dokey at the new job. Got me an appointment to take that test for Dell. It's Tuesday, so wish me luck. Carpool guy broke down today and decided he's going to apply, even tho he's been PMSing endlessly about how Stupid I am for even applying when they prefer people who have A+, MCSE and the like. I have the experience and the balls to apply and I'm gonna run that as far as I possibly can. I may have said this all before and if I have I have now becaoem myt mother in print. She who repeats the same story endless EEEEKKK!

So if I had half a brain I'd have something interesting to say. All I really know is I wish my eyes took pictures, then I could show you the great sunset I saw tonight while stuck in traffic. I could show you what the golden undulating underbelly of the predawn looks like on the highway. Really quite entrancing. I would let you see what the silver slit velvet sky cracked with ripe orange skin is truly like. I'm gonna go and dream about that and sexy guitarists and boys with elbow tattoos because I can - right after I make my lunch for tomrrow.

Keep blogging and wish me housing.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:22 PM

MenTal fUrbAll