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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

24 April 2007

it's a high price for your luxury baby :
I think I really hate people with short attention spans. It's spring, time again for the online dating I do to make myself remember why I like being a woman and that even geek girls can get laid more then geek guys. Still there's that endless barrage of idiots who feel that the most compelling thing that can offer is to sleep with me? Really, you have a dick and that's it? It's kind of weird how unappealing that can be when there is nothing else on the table.

But it's not just the "wannafuck?" thing. It's the prelavence of the chat speak, the u 2 4 crap that makes the profile claims of employed and educated seem like utter bullshit. You are educated and you 1) can't remember who I am (there are so many girls you're trying to get with you fake player) and 2) you can't string a sentence together without using some annoying short form to make your self seem uber cool then 3) fuck off.

We were talking about how dating and personality are mutually exclusive. I don't think so. You have to show your personality to get a date, somewhat, and that can be the easiest way to lose me. Why? because I'm not interseted in just picking you up, that doesn't really involve any conversation at all. I actually prefer not talking to you if it's a fuck and run, because it kills the fantasy of the one night stand. Since all the guys of late puport to want a relationship (yea they think that's better then quickie, booty call or fuck buddy) they can't figure out why I bristle when repeatedly asked for my picture. I don't see you offering any, just why in the hell should I be giving you mine? I mean really, if you can't recall who the hell I am, don't bother talking to me. And you boys living in your parents' basement, don't throw it out there all "I already told you that" style and get pissed when I slap you down with an "oh no you di'int". I mean please, I've been thrown outta the house since I was seventeen, I do so remember when a 32 year old is living with mom and dad in the basement.

I mean please. If I go through the hassle of talking to you, and it is a hassle since it's a fun game of decoding the bs in the profile, the messages and then the chat -> stop lying. I'm not interested in the married, the losers thinking I'm a sure bet since I'm fat and that equals desperate. I'm straight forward and to the point, and the point is that I don't want your love buddy, I just want to use you a while and move on. It's not a big deal but it's less fun than it used to be with all the gutless whiners inhabiting the dating-verse. If I could have one wish it would be to find someone with a little guts and some inner strength. They're usually fucked up, but so am I, and we'd have devious cranky fun.

Until keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:56 PM

22 April 2007

she puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair :
Anyone on facebook can read this now and I don't think it's making a damn bit of difference to my traffic, but that's what I get for post like 3 times a month for an entire quarter right?

Well everyone knows I'm moving (you didn't? Now you do.) and as such I've been going through my crap getting rid of the crap I don't really need at all. There is so much of it too. I'm sitting here now with this supposed boar's hair brush I got a dew years back. I'm pretty sure it's not really boars hair and I'm also pretty sure that in the 2 times I've used it since I bought it I won't miss it if it's gone. So where do all the things I'm parting with go? To a certain extent they go to my friends. I give a lot of it away as I don't mind giving it to people who will use it. In the mean time I'm conflicted and wondering what to do with these things that I know logically I don't need and barely use. What is the point of keeping that shit?

Ok so now I have to unpack something because I obviously need ti get rid of because cool as it was and all I don't need it and it's not like I'm stuck with it as I'm stuck with this lousy frigging sinus cold-allergy attack I'm suffering with.

Speaking of suffering I got home from John Mayer, yahoo wee he should done more songs I say!!!, to find my door barricaded with the boxes I had stored in the basement. I couldn't even get the the handle of the door as the boxes were shoved against it and piled on top of one another. I was forced to rearrange my room at midnight to get them out of the hallway so that I was not going to be accused of blockading the bathroom form others, even though technically I didn't do that they did because my bedroom door is directly across from he bathroom door.

I left a white board not telling them that before they do me any favours they need to ask if I need a favour. Surprisingly dip shit and fuck head's only response to that was to ignore me all day yesterday and today. Amen, hallelujah.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:27 PM

19 April 2007

when marimba rythms start to play dance with me make me sway :
I've been told people don't really notice that the blog titles are almost always song lyrics. I've been told I sing like someone strangling a cat. I've been told a lot of things that strike me as odd or unfounded or wrong, not necessarily those things though.

In this new move to the new situation with new basket cases (at present as they did put the cat down) I have been cleaning house on a grand scale. I've gotten rid of stuff that I never would have been able to get rid of just months before. I'm ridding myself of stuff that I was holding onto. Sometimes for sentimental reasons, sometimes out of stubborn insistence I would need/use it later. Yea I'm kinda wacky that way, but I've recycled most of that stuff. Some I have had to throw out totally. It's weirdly liberating to reduce the clutter and still feel completely ok with that. It seems I was attaching an unnatural amount of my personal identity to the stuff I own as a source of identity. My stuff is me, I am not my job etc. Blither blather bla.

I don't care about that anymore. I'm giving it all away. I used to be that kind of person, just give people my stuff, my time, my money and not care why or what for and never expect it back. It's nice to revert to that because I always enjoyed it. It wasn't until I was repeatedly told that what I was doing was a bad thing by giving people things. I was made to feel bad for not feeling used and eventually I resented anyone who wanted anything of me. I can remember it all so clearly now. And I don't care. I don't care that I'm a cold callous person who deal with death and loss with barely a tear, pause or second thought. I don't care that I feed most of my co workers on a fairly regular basis with leftovers and snacks I got myself and didn't want or need. I'm not worried that somehow I'm wrong and that this is further proof that nature botched me but good.

What I worry about is the inordinate amount of bad shit happening to people around me. Car accidents, deaths, sudden illnesses, depressions. It's whirlwind of varying catastrophe around me and I'm either in the eye of the storm or far removed, I just can't figure out which one. It started with me flushing my mp3 player down the toilet and shit has ensued since then.

Along with that has the began my social networking gambit. I joined facebook and started up Myspace again. I really only got MySpace to get John Mayer's blog, who I get to see in concert tomorrow night. That has escalated to Nathan Fillion's blog and both are now my friends. I'm feeling good about that. I have to go shop now so keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:46 PM

17 April 2007

i won't be there to break your sweet heart but not being there might break your sweet heart :
I don't have pets right now because I've put myself inthe position of being beholden to other's rules and regulations. I miss pets because they are great comfort and satisfaction to the loners like me who don't always have people around to commune with when it's needed. Now my soon to be roommates have pets. One of which I'm allergic to to the point my hand will swell when I pet that cat. Ouch I know. THe other cat, it turns out, has kidney stones. I guessed that was the issue a while back but they didn't get him to the vet until he started screaming while peeing.

The vet, who is gouging them for bringing in the emergency case (in my oppinion) says it's gonna be at the least $1200 to get the cat back up and running, $1650 if they do what he wants and more out the door with a new diet and all the perks of an constant vet visit to check for more stones. I feel for them because we're talking about family here, this is someone to them. Someone they love and don't want to lose. However this is someone who is very sick and and may continue to get dangerously ill and possibly die of the side effects of the illness. Best case scenario they put up all the money and buy the food and it all works out well. Still there's stress because we're moving and money's tight and they already have a lot of shit going on.

The other option, so sayeth the vet -> put the cat down. My gut instinct here is mercyless. I vote kill the cat. I don't see the point in letting the cat continue to suffer. I have know people with cats that had this problem and they paid all the money and bought the food and the cat suffered on for years and years. They all suffered together. It's a horrible thing. I, myself, have never had a cat that was desperately ill. I did have a dog that I had to have put down because he got strange as he got older and started trying to attack children and the elderly. It got to the point where we couldn't let him out of our sight because he would charge anything he thought he could take down, and we lived near a school. We couldn't give him away because he was untrainable at that point, and we do not know what caused his issue. I got him from the Humane Society and for the first year he was fine. After that he changed and we made the tough call to put him down.

I know it's not the same thing. The reasons and the call are not even close to similar but I know what having that decision feels like. For all the words you can say it's still a hard call to make. Now people will say don't own pets unless you are prepared to make the long term high priced commitment to keeping them and I agree to a point. I also say that just because you can do something doesn't make it the right thing to do. It's a high price to pay for your peace of mind no matter what.

I don't know what they will do. I don't know if they will kill the cat or keep the cat. I know what I would do. Later I would go out and get another cat and try like hell to make sure that the same damn thing didn't happen again. I wouldn't do it because pets are disposable, or because I'm cheap. I'd do it because I don't believe for the life of me that an animal has to suffer like that. There is no way that they can understand what is going on and I am the one that is there to take care of them and make the hard calls and suffer the consequences of all of our actions. Captain of the ship so to speak. I don't believe in needless suffering for anyone.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:39 PM

15 April 2007

it's only when I lose myself in someone else that i find myself :
The least fun thing about packing is tinning out the masses of crap that your pack rat genes have encouraged you to store and transport with you over the days/weeks/months/years. Of course the rampant procrastination that goes with almost anything I plan in the long term. I procrastinate because I am essentially very lazy. At least right now I am. Procrastination is a form of world control as I feel things are slightly beyond my power and going with the flow, the actual day to day flow, still doesn't come naturally to this recovering A type.

The good news is we passed the 2 week mark and the official countdown to a new residence happens now. Of course I'm all trying to figure out how I'm going to have a separate space that doesn't feel too invaded by sharing. After all it seems kind of clear that the two households are going to be distinct in their contradictions. For instance the full sized bright orange throw I bought today fits me to a tee and garnered looks of death from the soon to be roommates. Oh well I'm not so crazy about your taste either so na na.

I'm being boring because it is the only way I know to get by without spending money. When the weather is depressing and I'm left to my own devices I tend toward retail therapy and at this point in time there is really nothing I need and really nothing I want so if I don't go out and tempt fate I can't feel bad about spending money on nothing I have to have.

I filled Friday with Drive. I watched it for Nathan Fillion and fast cars, mind you the fast cars are not so much an issue at this point. It seems to be a decent show and gives my DVR a Friday reason to live. I'm reserving judgement on the show until we get a bit further in because somethings are not adding up and I want to make the mental connections myself. In other news if you didn't see Juliet coming on LOST you were also totally surprised by Micheal and may never have watched tv before, ever. I keep hearing the final episodes are going to rock and so far I have failed to be even slightly amused since Desmond's groundhog day revelations. I'm hoping the Season finale of Heroes will come off a sight better then most of the 'fabulously exciting' episodes I've seen of everything else lately. As a tv viewer I'm less then impressed by what's on these days and that's a hard thing for me to say as I love tv, we go way back. Yet we may be breaking up. At least until I get the fog of ideas in my head clears out and can focus on it again. Except for Drive. A little speed a little hot assed guys and I'm there.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:11 PM

06 April 2007

ooh e ooh ah ah bim bam walla balla bim bam :
I learned today that all the electric heaters upstairs are on the same breaker and that the landlords had turned that breaker off preventing us from turning on the heat when it got down to -12 with the windchill. Anyone wonder why I'm moving and there's not an ounce of love lost here.

It's Easter weekend and surprisingly enough Google calendar doesn't list Good Friday as a Canadian holiday, it's only listed on the American holiday calendar. Piss me off. I did not check other countries to see if the same held true for anywhere else, I just checked those 2 because I can never remember when Easter is and since I'm an hourly employee I get stat pay so I always want to know when the statutory holidays are. Not because I want to work them, it's better if I do but I get paid pretty much the same no matter what.

I got sick off of a meal replacement drink the other day, nothing like having food poisoning from a canned liquid snack. I was still wonky yesterday but I'm better today. Tomorrow I shop, it's the only day I have off that the shops are open this weekend. I do now have all weekends off for a couple of months, as I took a 7pm-3.30 am shift to get a static schedule. Ah the things I do for stability.

I'm a little tripped out that I'm getting a new house, new roommates, new furniture and a newer lease on life in just 21 short days. It's very freaky to me. Very freaky.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:59 AM

03 April 2007

i hold on so nervously :
I did not die.
Did you miss me?
I've been working and cramming as much not in this house time in as I can.
Still being disappointed by the losers online.
Don't be there saying you there saying you want to meet when it's a total lie.
I say fuck you to all them losers.

Besides the eternal non backbone of the chickenshit generation there is the fact I move in 24 days. I'm kind of worried I'm walking into another version of the stress drama I've been living this last year, but I'm trying to be positive. I know that things are going to get better, I just have to want that. Like I want to lose weight and I am; Nothing earth shattering about that, just a slow steady loss that I am seeing and so far maintaining. I could be back in shape-ish as soon as May. By the end of may, what with the whole new room to move new place and all, I'll have my exercising groove on. I have a plan.

In the mean time I am saving money and have managed to finagle some of my very own furniture. I am soon to be the proud owner of a futon and desk. I already have a bed, the next things I have to get are a bed frame and tv stand. Then I'm golden for furnishing my space in the new digs. Well except for a carpet, but I'm working on that.

I promise to keep in touch this month, as best I can. Since there is no one currently actively fucking with the internet connection I can finally get online and communicate. I'm still working on those stories, by the way. I'll let you know what happens with that.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:24 PM

MenTal fUrbAll