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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

31 October 2006

your moment will run out cause of your sex chromosome :
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You wait and you wonder about something and if you ar patient, all questions are answered. What if it feels like the wrong answers? What is it's not what you wanted? If you are getting what you need, how do you reconcile that with how you see yourself? Sure I'm an open and honest person, but being challenged on all my biases, being made to wonder what I even have standards for is wearing thin. Apparently I can't be trusted to think for myself or to pick things for myself -> because it all turns into a perverse charicature of what I've always thought I wanted.

I get it, I do. I have to stop wanting things. Obviously this is what the universe is trying to tell me. I'm not stuck with the Xfiles literal evil genie universe am I?? If I am, kill me now because I'm seven seconds from postal. Seriously.

It's halloween. I'm getting dressed, I'm going out, I'm going to lean on my friends. I don't think I'll tell them why, being a dreamer and all, broken dreams are hard to explain. Then there's the entire patheticness factor. Oh I know I'm totally pathetic. I know I have no excuses for the what I do and I get myself into trouble everytime because I see the good in everyone. Some people like that about me but I'm pretty certain it's my biggest flaw. I always end up disappointed in the quest to conquer my own fears and find what I deserve because I am Schrödinger's cat's. I also like Wikipedia for the info on the cat. And because I'mnot a total sad sack you have to go here and see the cat for yourself.

I'm going to go out and get food and then set about making the rest of the day good and glorious. As best as I can what with leaning on my friends and all, and while I do that I have to hope the Gods stop thinking of my desires as their own personal irony pond and smile at me just a bit there. Just to keep me sane. Just a bit, please?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:18 AM

29 October 2006

but not being there might break your sweet heart :
I'm not suddenly living my life like I was in an airplane that nearly crashed. I have been living my life that way for quite some time. Cutting away the needless, blocking off the inroads for those who mean to hurt and offend. I am working on me and it's getting me noticed. It's also getting me to that familiar nowhere space, where I know if I rely on what I've done before (the tired and true) I'll regret the results being the same. On the other hand there is the unknown and the unknown is scary. I don't know if I'm really ready to go through that door and just find the path for me there. I need to let go of my insecurities and trust that I can find the rest of my life without them.

I know that a certain percent of communication is unsaid. I know that I'm being told that I'm cared for and carefully I'm being sized up and put off in the hopes I can wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I want to wait or push and get turned down. I know there is fear here and maybe it's fear of moving too fast, not being ready or of being hurt. What I don't know is if I should try to help the fearful cast their fears aside and move on with the future, whatever it may hold. I know I care and I want to know what the future holds. I waver on wanting the possibility only when I let the old bullshit I hear about myself well up and make me insecure. The rest of the time I know this is what needs to happen now.

I guess the real issue I have is the unknown again. I don't have a time frame. I don't know what is going to happen or how long it takes to get to where I want to be. I won't say there isn't a definite place I want to be, because there is. I have definite designs for my life and I think that all the pieces are millimetres from falling into place. Given that, even with that certainty, I know that the slightest misstep and it will fly apart in the ugliest fashion available. I think I just need a clue, a little pat on the back that says good job, keep going. Unfortunately there are no sign posts on the road up ahead. I don't like the ides of not knowing the final score for quite a while, but it seems, my new found patience is paying off.


10) you are my joy - the reinderr section
9) let's get it on - matthew good band
8) knife in the country - hawksley workman
7) great indoors - john mayer
6) baby i love you (leave me the fuck alone)- the yahoos
5) fix you up - tegan and sarah
4) letting the cables sleep - bush
3) try - nelly furtado
2) call me when you're sober - evanessence
1) it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol

"It's Beginning To Get To Me"

I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
Cos I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:40 PM

27 October 2006

i'm bill pardy bitch bitch bitch :
I managed to find Slither in town. I looked for it when it came out Tuesday and I was at the Rideau Centre. After 4 hours of hairtainment I needed a break. It was no where to be found. All I kept thinking was how can a freaking horror movie not be available the week before halloween? What is wrong with these people?? It wasn't in HMV, Futureshop, Blockbuster or WalMart. I went online and found it at Best Buy and on a whim yesterday went into Music World at St Laurent and found it. After one of the sales clerks telling me he'd never heard of the movie, probably because of his apathy. Whatever.

I watched it this morning. Too funny really. Really. I love horror movies and Halloween is the time to get the collection extended for the good low prices. Slither is new so it's not cheap, but I missed it in the theatres and I was so disappointed. I was determined to get the DVD and now I have it. I'm way happy about it, because we have to face the facts -> not all reviews will reflect my taste and some 'horror' movies that have been 'liked' lately I think are pure crap. I like my gore with a total dressing of comedy. If it's taking itself too seriously I'm kinda bored and disinterested. I'm a huge fan of the 80's horror schlock like House, Fright Night and Waxwork. Add to that my classic monster fetish for vampires and werewolves and there's a lot of room for a lot of horror movies to view and decide upon. Lately I've gotten more into the watching the classic black and whites too, but I still shy away from the 70's B horrors of that genre, for that I prefer the slasher stuff. All in all I'm a well rounded horror film buff, though a zombies are the least entertaining of the lot for me.

I never did find any wicked witch black and white stockings for my costume. I am not sure exactly what it is I'm going for with the concept. Apparently there is a team concept where we all come in in head to toe black like a bunch of emo goths or something. I overheard it, I wasn't told directly. Since I don't work it's more like I'll show when I want looking how I want and see what happens. I'm going to take my chicken slippers in a bag and my camera because I want some pictures of this dammit. I'm all about the pictures. I was snap happy yesterday and the best was trying to get the rabbits we saw close to Pinky and the Brains' house. But my flash wouldn't go off right and 4 of the 5 pictures show nothing at all really, except for eye reflections and I'm mad that I spent the money to get the rechargeable batteries that never recharge and are always failing on me. I'm so beyond unimpressed with it. I mean I KNOW how hard on batteries that current electronics are and all, but c'mon this is ridiculous. Between buying batteries for my MP3 player and the digital camera I'm going broke and the recargables are shit, even though they say they are designed for use specifically with digital cameras and such. Errg.

So we didn't do any pumpkin carving because we got lazy and it was cold and it's still cold but I got a new sweater and I'm happy shmappy. I have to spend some time helping my sister reinstall the video card drivers in my old computer because she got spy ware and instead of telling me about it she decided to just delete stuff off the hard drive herself and she deleted the video card drivers and now has giant icons and no colour selection. Wing nut. She actually told me to skip work and go there and fix it for her. Sure I'll not get paid today to spend money to travel an hour plus on the train at full fare, to go fix what you shouldn't have broken but called me about, and then spend more money to come back on the train and then work tomorrow. Yea right. Family, wanna buy one cheap?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:18 PM

25 October 2006

and folks they used to smile and now they just think that they should :
I've gone and had my hair done again. 4 hours and an obscene amount of money later and I'm not happy. Nothing shocking there because I'm never really happy. I have never gone to a solaone and come out thinking I got exactly what I wanted, at least not since I went through hairstylist classes myself. Now I know what's supposed to be done. Plus most hairstylists think that chopping up my hair like a fucked up flowby attacked me is a great punk style. No that is just not being able to cut in a strait line.

I've been getting my flirt on big time. Hot/flirt guy from work and I have been emailing. Last night he spent hours chatting with me on MSN, that was after emailing me to tell me he'd not be reachable til Friday. I wasn't the only person he was chatting too. It seems his friesnds seeing him online were hitting him up to go out with them. He stayed in a chatted with me instead. Lately he's been all about the telling ma specifically what he's doing or going to do. Our latest conversations have included mentioning of going to bed, sleeping, undressing, male full frontal nudity, showering and jammies. I cracked back lst night that he's always trying to make me think of naked men and his snappy reply was that nudity is standard at his place and I have been warned. Hmmm. Sounds like something I wouldn't mind. I'm so ...

I'm going to go slaughter some pumpkins tomorrow and drink. The last few nights off I've had drinks to wind down. I've been spikey with the pressure of a neverending queue at work and the whole ongoing email flirt and probably the weather. I'm worrying too that I'm maybe slipping into a bad habit but It's not like I'm passing out drunk all the time. I have a drink here or there and right now the only one judging me is me. I feel guilty because I don't know what it takes to make an alcoholic but I come from a long line and I don't relish the idea of falling into line with that part of the family. Still I'm going to go drink and kill pumpkins so that they can shine their light off the balcony of the 18th floor at Pinky and the Brains' house.

There will be pictures. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:43 PM

23 October 2006

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappointment, because I think there is really nothing people fear more. Sure people are afraid of lots of thing, hackers, stalkers, rejection but the active fear of diappointment leads people to do many strange things. They lie, they avoid, they act out. This isn't anything new because fear, like love, makes you crazy.

Still how do you stop from being disappointed? Sure it's just caused by your projection of beliefs onto others and events -> but how do you stop that? When the every word you hear is visualize what you want and you can make it happen. I know it's not that easy, it's not that simple and that it can be very very dangerous. On the other hand having low or no expections to avoid disappointment is just as dangerous. It seems we walk a fine line between wanting something and wanting nothing in a fitfull mode of expectation and panic.

It's been crazy busy at work and I got weird traded shifts and haven't been here muck. To make it up to you I present you with part of my haloween costume ->

ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:52 AM

17 October 2006

we'll find a place in time a place in time to call our home :
I know I'm not a regular poster anymore. The less i post the less people read. Or maybe I'm just finding my real stats now. It doesn't stop me and I don't think 0 readers would even hurt my feelings at this point. I'm awash wondering why it seems that things are the way they are.

I know so many people who do not celebrate life. They are afraid of living, dying, getting older. I have fear, fear made foolish and simple by the sheer number of reasons it should not be a fear I succumb too. Fear is fear and it hones regret. I'm a pusher though, I push myself to move on and go around and do what I need to do. Sometimes I do it in slow motion. I read this and started wondering about my fear. I don't like to be told no. I don't want to ask the hot/flirt guy out because I don't want things to change. I like taklking to hime, I like learning about him, I like the flirting. And if I ask him out and it scares him off I could lose all that. I don't have that many friends that I can lose the ones I have.

It's a silly, baselless fear. He's been talking to me this long, worse that would happen is that we stop talking. I have plenty of other people to talk to. But it would kill the fantasy. The fantasy that someone is interested in me. Why is that a fantasy? Mostly because I do not notice when someone is interested. They don't tell me, if someone doesn't tell me I have no idea. Because I live in a bubble, a bubble where everyone is my friend and it takes a big gesture to make a dent. No gesture = no clue with me.

It's not so much that I think I'm unworthy, uninsteresting, unloveable anymore. I know none of that is true. It's a lesson I let my friends teach me. It's a lesson I took a long time to learn. But now that I'm having grown up moments I'm realizing that the things I was told to want don't matter. I have to give that up and start building my family. I may never have one any other way. I may never get my happily ever after but I will have love. The love of my friends, if not my biological (pathological)family.

Everyone is flawed, has fears, dreams, desires. Everyone out there feels alone and hurts for the loss of something. I want to hug you all and let you know it's going to be ok. There is a reason for you being here, something to learn and take away from that fear and agony you are going through. You may never be able to see it, it may never become clear, but in the bigger picture of your life it will be there finishing the shot. I can't help the people I am caring for from afar, but I can send this message out.

Someone cares. Someone knows and understands. You are going to be alright.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:21 AM

13 October 2006

sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me :
In the days when it's cold I become lyrical and know I'm under appreciated. I give a lot, and sometimes it takes a lot for me to come out of my self and smile and talk. I live on sugar to fuel my hyper activity so I can be out there and talk to everyone and be friendly. When things are good and I'm out there and being in hte world and living and happy I forget about the inside of my head. I forget where the quiet is and where the alone is and I walk away from the path that leads to eloquence and blistering insight and revealations galore. I do it as a great compromise, because I'm a different person when I'm all in and really writing and I don't want to be that lonely. Locked inside my head with the mystery and poetry and ideas I'm so far away from reality and I don't want to come back. I can't be in both places and the other one is sucking me back.

It's creeping into my thoughts and dreams and it's making it hard to think in straight lines and plan things I want to do. I want to lie in my squishy bed and dream about how wonderful all my life would be if I could visualize it into reality. I doubt vizualization is a viable way to motivate myself because in the best case scenario it's day dreaming and in the worst cse scenario it's living outside of the actualality of reality. It keeps me from seizing the opportunity to offer cute/hot work guy dinner because I'm worried it'll set a bad trend and he'll be just like any other loser I ever had the misfortune to actually eat food with in a date esque fashion. In a way it's true, because he's a man and I only date men, so in that vague way he is exactly the same as everyone else I've dated.

But I'm fixated. Captured. I can't wait for the next email. I get excited I got added to the chat feature. I'm completely projecting the ides he likes me in the possible date way and yet I go no further then that. I don't dream of fairytale anythings. I actively change my thoughts away from him to limit expectations because this time it is going to be different, and so far it is. But do I know what 'it' is? Nuh uh. And I'm not asking either. I've been there and done the massively impatient, scary girl with pressuring questions and built in expectations before. Right now I'm trying my best to be the go with it girl, and it's so unfamiliar and foreign that I'm preipherally scared to death. But that's out there, not in here with me like I can feel it and breathe it and live it, it's something I'm wearing that I want to shrug off but it keeps tripping me up.

I don't want to be stupid and unlucky again. I don't mind getting hurt as long it's not futilely or embarassingly. I know you gotta flop around a long time to find the real gold at the end of the rainbow, and sometimes the gold is just an illusion -> but I am a romantic and I so believe there is someone out there. Did I find him? Did he find me? Is there a hope in hell I won't grow up to be the crazy snake lady with an errant cat? We'll see what the erstwhile fates have in store for me. So far I'm just one wild shift trade away from working 8 days in a row straight.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:54 PM

12 October 2006

i'll give a little bit i'll give a little bit of my life for you :
At any given time these days I'm conflicted. I know I'm judgemental and I still do it regardless of what it does to me karmically. I'm stuck in an internal drama that has the regular part of me fighting the neurotic part in a battle of defeated logic and stillted views. I can't make up mt mind as to waht I want, I take chances I'm sure will burn painfully only to end up all smiles. I walk with the devil and call him friend, because for the time he is. All the while knowing he wil turn on me. Even as I beat myself up ove things I have the lack of will power to control, I regret the acts for the merest breadth of a second an move on.

I'm still suspicious that my blog is being read by people in the house. Why? Odd questions that have no reason to be asked. Patently bad investigations going on and I don't really care if they do read it. After all you can't really expect to talk behind people's backs with out it getting to their fronts eventually. They don't call it a bad habit because talking trash about people you know makes them love you and want to be your BFF. Well maybe if they look for that in someone it does, but generally I like straight up people who aren't massively passive aggressive. The level of avoidance in this house is exhausting, good thing I'm around mostly when everyone else isn't. No sense in dealng with other people's drama unless you sign up for it and I like mine serialized.

I think the bulk of my problem is that I think at all. I over think, analise and fret. I say I want things to unfold but I'm impatient and feel undeserving because I'm so unsure. It's like my hair. I really wanted it different all of a sudden, and I went drastic and it's almost completely worn off now and I've already decided that (even though my last hair change was a latent reaction to my 4th year wedding anniversary and yes I was divorced) I want my hair to be Izzy Stevens blonde now. It's still got gob patches of pink where the purple red has faded. I'm not worried that it won't come out as much as I'm worried that the hairdresser won't want to touch it with the pink that will come out and all. Or worse, that they'll try to bleach it out and fry off my hair.

I guess I'm prescious about my hair, even if it does grow back, because I'm potentially dating again. And anyone who has dated knows that guys like longer hair. I'm actually liking my longer hair so these two things work out. Generally I'm an expectations rebel, but these days some thing in me has seen expectations turn to something closer to the main stream. Sure I'm almost 36 and still punk rocking my hair. Sure I'm contemplating a piercing where the sun don't shine, since I decided against the tongue -> but hey I tend to want things for a bit then give up on it because I'm lazy and therefore what I want is unattainable. At least I know this and can accept that I am the product of my own lack of self discipline and toatl inaction. Now I have to turn that all around and make it work for me next year.

Why next year? Well it's not that I've totally given up on this year but the entire glass in my foot situation is really holding me back and won't be done with and healed until the end of the year. That means my best plan of action is get myself revved for big changes come January. I can lay the ground work now but next year is going to see the real progress and effort kick in because there will be nothing keeping me off my feet. Even if someone manages to sweep me off them at some point, I'll still be standing like I want to be, not in heavily padded shoes with a giant swollen lump making me stand and walk weird.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:43 PM

10 October 2006

let it play out buy the rights to endless love if your friends don't like it you can tell them for me to fuck off :
When it starts to get cold I start to notice how much I don't get touched. I didn't grow up in a friendly environment, we didn't hug much and as I grew up I learned to be physically stand offish. My evil twin is as touchy feelie as they come, but it's a natural thing for me to touch someone and not wonder if they mind that I touched them. I mind when people I don't touch me, it just sets off alarms galore in my head; but sometimes you want to be touched. You want a hug, a kiss, some affection. I dislike being single for the total lack of touching and affection. I can do almost anything else I need, since I'm a girl with a toy box - but the touch thing.

I think it's that this time of year is when you cover up more. Since I have sensitive skin I have to moisturize almost all the time, but in the winter it's so much more important to moisturize then in the summer. In the summer you can sort of slack a bit without consequence but not in the winter. At least not me. All that slathering lotion, looking at the parts of me that will miss the warm aire and sandals and the sun makes me long for someone else who'd enjoy applying the lotion. It's the kind of day today where it feels like that someone will never come. Worse still, it's shaping up to have been that kind of year.

Sure there was that Summer fling, but it was a boring guy and a boring time that I hesitate to repeat with anyone. Mostly because it was just a lousy time. It's hard to be with anyone who doesn't make an effort to get to know you or care to recall anything about you. It's the littlest bits of attention that stick with you, that make a difference. The difference between someone you'd really want to get to know and someone you'd make time to get to know is how imporant they make you feel right? Catching the details is what defines that difference. Unfortunately NOT everyone gets the same time of day considerations and we all know it.

I'm divorsced now and no longer dating on a sliding scale of imperfections. Speaking of imperfections -> when do you let the details flip you out? Do you freak when the guy who says he doesn't smoke has nicotine stains on his fingers? When the single guy who says he doesn't have kids starts telling you all about his son's birthday or when that not married guy's wife shows up? It's all in the degrees and everybody lies. My lie? Omitting my age. Oh I know I have to give it up and take the risk that the younger guy will still wanna talk to the older girl, and no matter how many times I tell someone my age they so forget anyways so I don't know why I feel so WRONG about my age and younger guys. I guess I caught the bad attitude from society. Now how do I lose it?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:52 PM

08 October 2006

past the road to your house that you never called home :
We were talking Turkey the other day. Literally as Thanksgiving is tomorrow (Monday) here in Canada. I was talking toe Pinky (ooh she's gonna love that name)and saying how I'm not big on Turkey but I've always wanted to make a duck for a holiday dinner. I had duck once as a kid and loved it and have always wanted to make my own. So a plan, of sorts, was hatched. We decided the throw together our own Thanksgiving today (Sunday). The catch being that I am the only one wha actually wasn't working today.

So thanks to Pinky and her man (the Brain?), my dream of making duck for a holiday dinner came true. I rocked the duck, she rocked the sweet potato fries and he rocked the stove top. He came back the latest, so it was sort of an eat and run situation but it was so fucking sweet to do the dinner thing, mostly civilized (I do eat with my hands) and we had late season wine and laughed. I felt like a grown up. Almost 36 and I just had my first 'grown up' moment. I've always been a late bloomer. The only thing we didn't get, that we talked about, was pumpkin pie. Mostly because the ones we did find looked disgusting, but a bit because I think in our hearts we knew it would have been a waste. Now I know it would have been cuz we wouldn't have been able to eat any of it.

I went shopping. I got Grey's Season 2 and an iTunes card. I don't know if I'm going to love or loathe iTunes, but I don't have an iPod so I don't know why I signed up and all except for psychic peer pressure. Everyone else is doing it and I kind feel proximally left out. I'm weird, I know.

Speaking of weird -> having given up reallly caring what is going to happen next in anything has had the weirdest effect on the men around me. Flirt/hot guy is paying attention, I have a subtle stalker, and a couple of weirdly attached gossips. It's leaving me wonder what the hell I really did to get the whole I don't exist thing turned around. It must have been dying my hair Vampire red, since then I guess I seem more approachable and at least more interesting. It's had a dissonent effect on one guy, but he's got a weak streak anyways so I guess it's for the best.

In the mean time have a good Thanksgiving/weekend my pretties. I'll be making stat pay tomorrow, yeeha.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:19 PM

05 October 2006

but I know that you'll miss me blind :
I didn't sleep Tuesday night because I was hopped up on pepsi and Jack Daniels. I alos was terrifed that the frigging rent cheque would bounce because I was 3 dollars short. I went in early to put back the differnece and it mocked me all day. I did get to go have the angus swis and mushroom burger at Burger King. Texas took me. He's foing fine, especially since it's been nice and quite around here with the total lack of Kid M and all. Yea we wish he'd moved out.

I went bug shit at Walmart and ended up with a DVD RW recorder and Hard Disk Drive recorder. It was cheap and I needed something besides the VCR, which wasn't on sale. I'm still looking for Grey's Anatomy at Wally World and it's never there. I'm trying out the DVR thing and find out someone else had it already. I knew that kind of because the damn thing wasn't packed on the inside the right way. I knew for sure when I was setting up the record function and found that there were already shows on it. It doesn't seem to have a way to record to the DVR and then DVD. Maybe why it was so inexpensive, but I'll see how it goes. If it's cool then I may stock up on disks to record directly to instead.

I watched LOST, even though it really bored me last season. It promises to make me wonder why I'm watching it this season, but I'll watcha few more to see if I'll keep bothering. I love Grey's and amazingly enough CSI seems to be bouncing back from the mid run malaise that has hit so many shows around Season 5/6. At least I don't look at George Eads and wonder WTF about his hair all the time. It was bad wigs last season I swear. I'm not sure why but I still watch ER, it's not so much habit it's more like the one lingering soap opera I can't put down. I picked up Saved because of Tom Everett Scott and his blue eyes. I also really like paramedic dramas. I loved Emergency as a kid.

I'm happy Gibbs is back at NCIS and I love the scuffy hair and all, don't like the moustache so much but I'll learn to live with it I know. I was kind of hoping the ditzy/awkward newbie would be around longer but she got thrashed as Gibbs is back. Oh well, they could have brought he back by moving Tony off but that didn't happen either. Ducky is way bitter Gibbs left and came back like he did, I hope that works out cuz the dynamic between them is so great. Love me some Illya Kuryakin. I've always had a thing for spies.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 2:13 PM

02 October 2006

i'll check the stars where ever you are :
Yahoo and welcome to October. Slightly cooler than September. Now fortified with 100 percent psycho stalkers and weirdo men. Apparently I do well in the colder months as hot work guy and freaky new stalker boy are both trying to chat me up. Possibly for different reasons but the focus is hard to discern and I should be straight up and ask but I'm kinda cool with letting the things play out as they may.

In the meantime the shower curtain has been replaced in the bathroom, no notes about it. It's kind of odd because it's all quiet aon the western front and the tense avoidance factor has all but disappeared. Yet I'm still kind of holding a grudge, I don't like being accused of stealing and not being appologised to. That sucks and I'l get over it I'm sure, but maybe not today. Monday has turned into my Friday and as such I'm kind of miffed about the change up where I get next Sunday off and then Thursday (I had to trade for that too it was Tuesday). Then we just wait and see.

I'm feeling like I want pumpkin pie and a bucket of chicken. Not Kentucky fried mind you, I jut want to make a bunch of chicken here in the oven as I've noticed that I haven't been eating cooked food much. If it doesn't come in a package I probably haven't touched it recently. I need to get back to the fabulous chef-inees that is me, when I dare to make with the cookery. I only had pumpkins pie for the first time last year. I don't think I can convince myself to get one for myself as I don't honestly know if I would eat it. I don't like to waste food.

I know I skipped the playlist. Does anyone care? Hmmm, not thinking so. The number one is Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer, cuz it's stuck in my head and I don't know why. I can't get need for speed to play right any more and I'm thinking I'm just going to cannibalize the computer Joe gave me and throw what I don't need away. It gives me a weekend project at the very least. yea my midweek weekend. I'm kinda pissed as this months seems to have started off with the death of my tv/vcr combo's vcr recording abilities. I'm not impressed and I'm thinking I need to head out and buy a new one cuz I don't tivo and I don't want to miss anything and stuff is always conflicting. I should just give up and wait for the DVD's I know but it's a hard habit to break.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:41 PM

MenTal fUrbAll