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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

29 May 2006

i don't know how to fix it :
Sometimes you gotta throw a girl a bone. In the big I need to know arena I have a definite answer about my current job. I'm now being paid to basically IM people tech support. Yay no more being nice on the phones- I was getting tired of it really. I was having a hard time not doing the deep hard sigh of exhaustion talking to some of the folks. But you could tell, cuz I'm sure I've said.

I've been thinking about all this talk that's been going on here and on the blogs I read (cuz we're all mentally linked somehow I'm sure). I don't know how to define how well you can know someone. Or how well someone may let you know them. I think the hardest part of dating is knowing what rules someone is using to define the situation. I'm easy going but I have a weird life right now. Apparently the sun shines out my ass and I have men all over looking at me. Where were they all before? It never rains it pours y'know.

So I thought I'd take a minute to define my idea of a good relationship. My role models there are Morticia and Gomez Addams. Now some people will say that they're freaks, a cartoon, a bad tv/movie series. Whatever. In whichever medium the fact remained the characters were into each other. They didn't lie or hide it - they felt and acted on the feeling. M and G were not always together, but they made time for each other. They accepted each other for the flawed and special people they were/are and made the best of it. They lived their lives with each other in mind and always being true to themselves as well - no easy feat I know. Still it's not impossible to be open and sharing yet still have your own interests and pursuits. It's really healthy that way. Yet so many fail to do that. I know it's a lack of communication that brings the problem. We don't know how or are afraid to or just don't want to say somethings. Even the simplest things that can't be verbalised can be done and shown to others. It really comes down to the little things. It's not the great cara mia kisses or torture racks that kept M & G together, it's the fact that they gave each other the rose garden, so she could cut the roses off - and that he golfed off the roof; and that she never said don't sword fight in the house. They made time for all the crazy relatives and partied like they were kids - without forgetting the kids. Sure they're fictional but I am recovering from a cinderella complex right?

So other than thinking that a cartoon ghoul couple had it all I don't really hold with all the fantabulous stuff that hollywood churns out. It always ends before the real making a go of it gets started. My my, it's a Monday post alright. So Lins is back from England. No plane crashes but lots of layovers and juicy computer crashings. Just thought you'd want to know since I told y'all she sent me a post card. BTW all this philosophising was brought on by a discussion I overheard about summer flings and the like. I think it's like wondering about the future - that I always do - that gets me so deep in here. Because before me are endless possibilities, but they all have finite time frames. If I take one I lose others and others still beckon and wait. And I want to get it all right - I want to make it to the best place I can be but I don't know which door leads there. It's my continual conundruum. I always want to do it right the first time - and it's not pssible. Because I am not really so much in control of the world as I'd like to believe. It's hard to be the captain of your own ship and master of all you survey when the map relies on other people to draw it and the view is full of fog you can't see through.

Where's my Gomez when I need him?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:29 AM

28 May 2006

forget me not :
I didn't forget the play list. And said guy didn't come near me today. Yay, so I'm glad he took me serious when I said his hitting me was assault. Yay.

10) back to you - john mayer
9) atomic - blondie
8) adventure - angels and airwaves
7) dani california - red hot chili peppers
6) spin spin sugar - sneaker pimps
5) walking in my shoes - depeche mode
4) sorry - madonna
3) promiscuous - nelyy furtado and timbaland
2) glamourous life - sheila e.
1) canned heat - jamiroquai

"Canned Heat"

You know this boogie is for real.

I used to buy my faith in worship,
But then my chance to Heaven slipped.
I used to worry about the future
But then I throw my caution to the wind.
I had no reason to be care free
No no no, until I took a trip to the other side of town
Yeah yeah yeah, you know I heard that boogie rhythm
Hey- I had no choice but to get down down down down.


Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance,
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance
Got canned heat in my heals tonight baby

I feel the thunder see the lightning
I know this anger's heaven sent.
So I've got to hang out all my hang-ups
Because of the boogie I feel so hell bent
It's just an instant gut reaction, that I got
I know I never ever felt like this before,
I dont know what to do
But then thats nothing new,
Stuck between hell and high water
I need a cure to make it through.

Hey- dancing nothing left for me to do but dance
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance,
Hey got canned heat in my heals tonight baby
You know know know I'm gonna dance yeah
Off all the nasty things that people say.

Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight
Dance, come on got canned heat in my heals tonight
Canned heat in my heals tonight.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:37 PM

i've got to hang out all my hang-ups :
I'm a definer. A labeler if you will. I like to know what something is so I can figure out how it fits in. It's not that I'm not a fly by the seat of your pants kinda gal => cuz I so am. But there are parts of me that need organized intelligence to function without breaking. It's partially because I know there's a difference between what people say and what they do. It's also because I've more than once gone along for the ride to find out I was the extra who gets cut out in the second reel. I don't like not being comfortable with the natural unraveling of a story, yet over the years one learns fast to find the signs of what's to come. Some peole are inscrutable. And that's a problem.

I get along with certain people like a house on fire. It's fast, it's easy and it's always a good time. In most instances that's fine but when it comes to others it speaks only to fast death of the situation. Going too far too fast can be a killer. Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse right? Not always the best way to handle relationships. Friendships either. I find in any case that those who are all on the tops with intros and the plans and the your buddy, my buddy, we buddies - are the kind who stay around and are inclusive. Then there are the negatives. Those people so busy telling you what's wrong with themselves, how badly they treat others, what a bitch/prick they are (or used to be). They act like it's hard for them to trust but they're really sucking you in to fuck you over. In the end they've taken the time assessed your weaknesses and decided what they can get from you. And I usually give it, I'm a giver. I get taken for a ride a lot.

It doesn't help when people say what they are like. You have to spend time with them to see them in action and if you don't get to pick where and when, then seeing them in action can be skewed to seeing them at their best in an environment they are comfy in. Sometimes you gotta venture beyond the comfort zone. That's usually where the ideas of the person breakdown. The calm and cool break and flounder under pressure. The pretty turn ugly when uncomfortable. Sometimes you end up showing off your unprettyness in trying to get to know other people, but that's the thing. If someone likes you - for whatever reason - they've gotta take all that you are. Some people don't think that's true.

That guy at work, the one I scare. He's gone the other way with his interested. He's decided that play ground tactics are the better route to go. So instead of chatting me up he calls me names. He comes by and say flip things to people I'm with, and they don't think he's funny. But he does. He thinks it's cute to 'playfully' punch me. He's done it several times now, in the shoulder => but I've asked him to stop. He seems to think I'm joking. I'm not. When seemingly good guys get mean is always beyond me - but first off it hurts. For whatever freakish reason my upper arms are really sensitive and even a little poke in jest will bruise them and it hurts. And he thinks I'm joking. I do reflexively say OW to things that don't hurt because I know they should - but in most instances only something that actually HURTS will get me to say OW. Ususally it's more like OW fucking OW shit that hurts.

I don't know what it is about guys and the sneak attack either. Flirt guy will sneak around the cubes to tap me on the shoulder while we're on calls. Now that's cute. I can live with that. Being whacked in the arm, or having my chair checked while I'm talking PISSES me off. Now that I'm going to chat I won't have to worry about saying something rude to the customers but c'mon. What's up with that? Wasn't smack the girly ou like something that boys did in grade school? I'm too old for this shit.

In the mean time it's not like I can threaten him with anything less than harassment. Which seems kinda severe but I may have to pull that loudly out to get him to back the fuck off. Of course I could tell him I'm married and lie and say my husband will kick his ass if he doesn't lay off. I don't advocate violence, but sometimes the 'boyfriend' card gets these skeezie dudes to take a walk. Cuz that's what they are when they get mean => skeezes. They don't want a confrontation with another guy, cuz they're all about feeling powerful and unless they other guy is a 5 pound midget - they aren't going to feel too powerful. Women though - well they're just there to entertain. I've got my back up, if he whacks by tonight I may tear a strip off him.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:49 AM

27 May 2006

who knows maybe our luck will change :
I begged and wheedled and managed to get off work a half hour early. I owe someone a cookie now :) I went to hang with my married friends. Of course I was early and madcap bizzaro hilarity ensued where she wasn't home and I searched the building for her only to find her and her married friends waiting in the lobby for me. We palyed canasta and drank rum and coke and they smoked like chimneys. I met a young python, 2 new cats and a big baby dog. Since I've met my married friends I have spent the occassional night on their couch after we hang out, stay up way too late (for them) and eat drink and head bang. He doesn't drink, so mostly I'm entertainment for her while he games/cartoons or whatever.

Sometimes we play Mario Party, and I lose ungraciously. I try to be a good sport but it would be nice to have a chance => which I don't and I know it. I've been tapped to house sit in July. SO it's kinda like a mini vacay, where in I don't leave town and I don't have to see my roommates or anyone else I don't want to. I can pretend I live alone for 3 days, which is probably NOT what I want to be doing seeing as I don't live alone and really need to keep in the good renters book. References are everything.

In the mean time I had the blessing of the fan in the window all night and it's cool in here now. Well not for long cuz the computer tends to heat things up, but cool enough I didn't wake up feeling ill. ALWAYS a good thing. Day three of five, and I hope I can talk mostly to people who can read and who don't rely on I DON'T KNOW as the rosetta stone of their existance. OMG I can't tell you how DUMB I feel after trying to help someone like that. It's unreal, I mean how did you survive this long if you REALY don't know. Seriously this makes Darwinism look wrong.

On the other hand I may see my sister next week. If she can make it to town that is. It sometimes never works out. We'll see. Somethings you have to say to make real, so I can say it'd be fun to see her. Because my family in small doses is always a laugh riot. It's after a while that the vitriol poisoning sets in. So we don't spend LARGE amounts of time together. Yay! Besides there are people I'd rather get to know, as I pretty much have my family down as people go. But then again I'm such the weirdo. I made fast friends last night at canasta by not being afraid of dirty talk at the table, satying Bite Me and being unphased by rampant PDA's. Don't even want to go into the guy who basically dropped his groceries to talk to me as I was going to work. That'll teach me to smile.

I'm gearing up for some straight talking, straight shooting. Sometimes I'm mellow and I don't care. Other times I get the nerve on and I make bold incisive decisions that fuck with my little universe. Cuz I'm a freak, and I can't leave well enough alone and I shoulda been a tabloid reporter because I NEED to KNOW. I have the Who, What, When, Where, Why and How down pat. And I was missed last night. My BFFU called and I wasn't here and I don't know where she called from, our place doesn't have call display. But I'll be home tonight Lins, after 10. I swear. Call me :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:12 AM

26 May 2006

so go unlock the door :
It's Friday and I've got a bad feeling about all this. My roomates are going away. That's ok. It's gonna be just me and Kid E here with the cat. And apparently I'm not trusted enough to take care of said cat because only explicit instructions were left for Kid E. Now I can't blame them. I haven't exactly been telling them when I'm not coming home. I guess they noticed I wasn't here. I guess they feel left out because they don't know where I've been going for the past few months, when I don't come home. Guess they feel like they should be in the know. Canada => passive aggressive central. It doesn't really feel like we share that kind of stuff. So I don't tell them where I'm going or when I'll be back. I don't go MIA for weeks. Maybe over night. But whatever. It seems to have made me untrustworthy.

Then there's the whole numbers logic. See in my head I have a secret. I want to tell the secret to all my friends. Problem is that invites expectations. Not so much for me, but other people. Cuz as soon as I open my mouth people will want to know details, and meetings will be arranged and the potential for awkwardness triples. On a rainy bad feeling Friday it's more than will fit into my little brain.

I'm not sure if I want to invite expectations. I find having expectations usually is the beginning of problems. Mind you it's only if those are unclear/unshared/unagreed upon expectations. But who of us doesn't want what they want when they want it? My horoscope says this is my tough challenges phase and I need to focus on the little things. Funny, when it comes to people I'm veritably trapped in minutia, combing over everything like a CSI looking to convict. And then again today, while some condo corp fucker cuts the lawn again, I so don't care. I just want to not think about anything. I know I'm freaking out over my promotion. It's a lateral move really. I'm going to chats. So I'll be typing. It has an intsa spell checker so no worries => but I feel like I'm learning it all over again. It took so long to get good at the phones part, now I'm starting fresh. But I always freak out - I don't want to fail. I'm such a whiner :)

It's a grey and supposedly gonna lightening out (insert hope a system failure and irrational fear of being struck by lightening here) day. And it's really hot in here. Really. I think the heat is making me feel ill and I'll go to work and wear my jacket all night cuz I'm freezing. How's that for fun? Boy Posts' Cranberry Bran is good. I never cared much for Raisin Bran. Go figure.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:21 AM

25 May 2006

so load up and keep marching :
It's not that I'm not sympathetic. I question everything. Not because I'm a doubting Thomas, but because I'm Spock. My sister always called me that. I want to know why. IF I don't get it, why you feel how you do or think what you do or something I'll question you. I probably should have a handy lab coat in my back packet, to slip on so people can tell it's the need to know WHY in me asking => not just a heartless streak that wants to inflict pain by questioning your feelings. But hey, no body's perfect.

I'm already not wanting to go to work. See I woke up to amillion little screaming parts that went on strike and were forced back into service under threat of death. I'm kinda worn out. I guess it takes a couple of days to hit me, before I fully hit the fatigued state where my muscles can no longer feign ability to go along with my brain. I'm not mean and evil, it just takes me longer to get plum wore out than others. Sure we were there and doing the same thing at the same time but you're all done in and I'm marching on. Because I can. I can keep going for another day or so. Then I'll pay for it. This is why I find the rules about exercising so screwy. I won't pay the next day for what I did it's 2 days later I'm feeling it - y'know that time when you're supposed to be doing it again. It's by that time I'm thinking nah. Ain't happening.

It's really warm in my room. I sleep right under the totally wide open window so I
know it's been pretty warm all night. I'd rather layout and have a nap then go to freezer world and all that talking. I'm taking my socks, and my coat, and wearing long pants - I hope not to pass out form heat exhaustion crossing the road. I'm so going to get some corona. When it's really warm I always want a beer. It's a childhood thing. The only time I ever really enjoyed beer was one time out swimming with a friend at her cabin. We were alone and it was hot, and all there was to drink was beer. And we drank it like it was water and we kept swimming and drinking. I can't even remember how old I was then. We only went once and I think I was never asked back because of the beer. Oh well.

My hair's decided it waned to be the weird oily and dry type, so I feel like some kind of critter. I'm trying to dissuade it from full on greasies versus fried rebellion, but if it comes down to it I may have to take drastic measures. Since I've been forbidden to cut my own hair (and did I ever tell you I have a problem with authority?) I'm not sure how things will be dealt with. Soon enough it will all be clear I'm sure. Now if only allergy season wasn't in full swing and I would be able to walk and talk AND see straight! Who needs to be drunk? I loose total control of my ability to focus anywhere near a garden. And we have one. We also have a condo corp that seems to think cutting the grass once a week is AOK. Burnt grass anyone? Nevermind my allergy to cut grass - that's minor compared to the pollen and dust. Because they dug up Walkley road. Get this though, the only thing they have paved in the 3 weeks since then => is the sidewalk edges. That's it. The road is a choppy dust devil zone waiting to getcha.

Ah so I'm off to sun the bamboo, whip the hair into something I can live with and to contemplate lunch. I really need to be more proactive about lunch. Lately I've been skimming through with a cereal bar and an apple. I think I may have to start planning lunches so I take something instead of just shrugging and going I'm too lazy to put some bread and meat together. Seriously I am too lazy, I kid you not. I just want to listen to tunes and relax and not be responsible. I may have to pencil in a talk with myself about the importance of a brown bag lunch. That way I can get determined to be more proactive. Nobody really wants to eat from the wheel of death. Unless there's some strawberry milk. Then I can make the sacrifice.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:26 AM

24 May 2006

thing is time was :
Now I'm back to 300 posts. I went downhill after moving the poetry to another page. I was MIA. Making people believe in god - that's all I have to say :)

I'm kinda tired with allergies and all, plus I'm keeping myself up so I can be all on track for the next 5 days. Wherein I will be talking to all manner of annoying and arguementative, but-you're-just-a-girl types. Cuz it's summer and it's their long weekend and we never get to volunteer to go home early. I think there should be a Get Outta Dodge card. I'd work myself into the ground for that card. I wanna leave as soon as I get there. It's my kinda card. It's not like I'm the only one with that idea in their head, I'm just the first to say it. I know I'm definitely the first to say I don't care if using the card means I don't get paid. I'm cool with that, I can do math and I know when I need the money.

Since I'm a spending freak I've been shopping. I like to shop, mostly to get out of the house. I like my bed but there's only so much time I can spend in it comfortably. And I like going out and about with a purpose. I got crocs. For those of you who don't know they are these things, and they are shoes - kinda. It's like wearing squishy slippers and they're cool, but my feet are getting blisters - cuz my feet are in between sizes. So the M I got is too big but the S would be too small - as these 'shoes' have sock like sizing. They span a set of sizes. As I look at the link the pair there is red, exactly like the ones I have. How fortuitous.

I've been honing my psychic abilities. I am now able to judge how my day is going to go by thinking of who I want and determining how they will respond to seeing me. I got it 100 percent right tonight, I wouldn't be here now but the married friends are sick and I don't need to catch a cold. I want to be healthy, wealthy and wise. I got some of that covered. I'm slowly analysing what about me keeps me from the other. I'm also examining my defenses. I'm really kinda hard to get to know and I think it's less than fun for my current interest. I'm trying to get over it but it takes time to scale the walls I built. He has walls of his own, so we're evenly matched. And that can be a problem there right? When we're doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts and keeping the same distance. We're equally indecisive/easy-going which makes making plans a real exercise in generosity of spirit.

He wants to know about me. I don't know what to say that's real. What really matters? Is it important to just say what comes into my head or craft a real and truly fleshed out response? As time goes on I know he'll be like, where in the hell did that stoic girl I couldn't get to answer a question go? In the mean time I cheshire cat it into the best, not too weird, answer I can pull out of my 'closed for the holiday' mind. It's like those multi coloured feet on the do it yourself ballroom dancing mats, there's a certain pattern that is supposed to happen. Right? Or have I been confused by hollywood and television and storybooks again? I thought I had a script, and I thought I knew it all and now there's a new player in town. And he thinks I'm the cool kid. Truth is he's the cool kid => if only he'd listen to me when I say that.

So I'll work on speaking up and we'll see what happens next week, cuz dating is serialized currently. But I got the stereo to work. Turns out Nero updated and decided my burner should burn at 52x, which ISN'T supported by the cd's so they play weird. Turn the speed down and it's all sunshine and roses again. SO I am once again soumdly satisfied. I'm ok with the finale of Alias. Not so much caring about what happened on LOST. I do like that Desmond is back, or was => we'll see. Hoping that maybe Sark gets a spin off and that the summer season isn't so horible I want to barbeque myself instead of watch Big Brother :)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:22 PM

23 May 2006

cuz i'm down like that :
I got my shit together and found a template and mashed it up and the poetry blog I like is up, with actual stuff to read. Yea it's stuff you saw here, but I moved it there so it's not here anymore. I'm going to post more but considering how long it took me to get the blog I don't think you want to hold your breathe do you?

Go here, read, enjoy


I can't spell, thing straight or plan today. Yesterday I went blind at work, well at least everything got really fuzzy and out of focus, gotta love allergy season :>}
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:47 AM

22 May 2006

my god my tourniquet return to me salvation :
Today's a stretch by any sense of the word.  It's a holiday which means I have to be here, like I had to be here yesterday.  If I'm not I don't get my double time and a half, which makes it all worthwhile.  And did I mention I'm getting a 36 cent raise.  I rock, but I'm unrated ???

It's another not sunny day here.  It's rainy and really windy.  It's not happy, but tomorrow it's supposed to be nice.  I gloat because I may finally be getting a nice day off :)  Yeeha.

I'm well slept and this refrain from Tourniquet by Evanessence keeps running through my head.  It's battling with Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars and then Prince comes in with  Purple Rain bit every hour or so.  It's the best way to get around the blah Monday, blah working, blah silly people - syndrome.  It's keeping things inteesting as Kene slips in there now and again with Somewhere Only We Know.  Head's in overdrive as my stereo dies a slow death.  It started crackling today, while getting barely throught song 4 and 5 on a disk.  I did that yesterday but it was on song 12-13 instead.  This doesn't bode well for me and my panasonic.

I know it's not the disk, I have a DVD player that can double as a stereo in a pinch, and it works fine ith there - but the player has it's own issues.  Ah to be rich and not buy stuff from pawn shops and the morally bankrupt :)  Technically this is at work blogging, but I'm emailing it in and I can do that at work.  It's all we can really do, but we aren't supposed to do it on a call - like that stops anyone right?  In their quest to keep us bored and working they have at times turned off the ability to read blogs and blogger comments.  Currently most of these things work, so I'm able to keep up a bit better.

I'm gonna work on my blogroll and my pages again, I may have some good changes to entertain all soon.  until then, keep blogging.

Share your photos with the people who matter at Yahoo! Canada Photos
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:41 PM

21 May 2006

and i'm glad that i knew him at all :
I live in my head a lot. To the point where things don't get said because based on other things that did get said, I'm pretty sure what I'm trying to convey will get over explained, said wrong or misconstrued. And there are no words to make me feel I can say what refuses to come out of my mouth. So I write it down. I pass it on. Then people know. It kinda seems like the 'chicken' solution to conversations I should be able to have, but it's the only real way I have to say somethings to some people.

Truth is I'm in a strange frame of mind. I don't necessarily sleep well with others, and I've found someone to sleep with. I'm kinda freaking out about the whole evolution because it seems fast, but in my mind it plays out slow. I'm freaking mostly because I have such star studded potential to fail to say the right thing at the right time and make things go bad. Even though I'm a good dancer I have historically proven to be someone who suffers from tactless abandonment of logical thought process and screaming inability to remove my foot from my mouth. Being good with words fails me when I feel direly compelled to use them words, to make sense of the person I am. It doesn't help that he doesn't know me and can't read my mind, because I mystify him and he questions me and I balk at that - for no real reason. Maybe because my intentions are impure.

I am complicatedly tied up in worry that I will fail and I have a hundred thousand questions that if started will come out like the most awful interrogation ever to be. Slow. It's nice when things are slow. My world, the frenetic place in my head where I live, is NEVER slow and then I found someone to sleep with. And there are these moments where everything is still and quiet -> inside. I long to go with it, revel in it and let it go on forever. And the irony is - he talks a lot. It makes me nervous, and I question myself - because I don't want to be thinking. It's nice and quiet in my head, and instinct is kicking in and I'm loosening up and it's rare => I'm guarded and don't like to let go. I've learned the hard way it's not a good thing to do that. To just be there and enjoy.

All this is uncomfortable to say, but I - as reigning queen of the overshare - I say it anyway. Yes, he reads my blog. I don't know if I can even publish this because I know he reads my blog and I judge myself harshly for all my self perceived weaknesses. 'It's folly' my mind screams, to publish this. 'You should say these things in person to him.' Yet I hold out hope he can understand that I can't hear myself think in the slowness he gives me. And that is a good thing for me. I look forward to it.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:38 PM

would you lie with me and just forget the world :
I just got home with my timmy's hot chocolate and muffin. I haven't posted here for a bit and it's Mental PLaylist time. Short sweet and too the point. I'm going to run off to work right after this and struggle to stay awake :) The number 1 is courtesy of Grey's Anatomy. That show so runs my soundtrack :D

10) back to you - john mayer
9) wires - athlete
8) smoke baby - hawksley workman
7) shy - ani difranco
6) why can't i - liz phair
5) breathe - michelle branch
4) hit - the sugarcubes
3) see a little light - bob mould
2) purple rain - prince and the revolution
1) chasing cars - snow patrol

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:45 PM

18 May 2006

when you build your house i'll come by :
I didn't go and do anything today. I'm going to go to work and then come home and go to bed. Maybe IM a little, but then really go to bed so I can get up kinda early and run around and do stuff. I feel bad for not going today, but I was dreaming my dreams. It was sparked by something I read at freewillastrology.com. I was thinking about it as I went to sleep and viola => dreams ensue. I won't say exactly what I was thinking about but it's partially under the heading of things I want and things I don't understand. In respect, I have limited knowledge of more than a few things, but my perennial mystery of the sphinx would be men. It seems no matter how many you know there's still no way to understand what they are doing, why they say certain things - or how and if to take them seriously.

There's a guy at work, grandpa (for the endless string of grandkid pics), and he's trying to father me. He's all up in my space telling me men are pigs and to be careful cuz they eat little girls like me for breakfast. He. He thinks I'm 12. I told him I KNOW men are pigs, and I kinda like that about them. It was like I slapped him. Oops, I did it again - manhandled someone who was trying to have my back. Anyhow he forgave me, but I know he's wondering what I'm thinking. And there it is - the communication break down. Why is it so hard to understand each other when we are all speaking the same language. And I'm not even meaning just men and women => people can't seem to communicate in any worthwhile ways. We lose patients (not a virtue I have) and get scared and stop trying. Some of us are shy, some of us are self absorbed, and some of us need a script to work from because left alone it's nonsense.

Being in tech support I see all of this a lot. I have to talk to people and try to get to the heart of the problem. I have to then help them fix it. It's not easy. I scared someone off the phone last night because she just had no clue what I was talking about. I got her timid daughter instead. I wasn't the harpy she beast or anything but it wasn't HARD what I was asking and the person I started with bolted and ran. I think it's synonymous with my frustrations in general. I'm kinda blunt and I kinda just say stuff and I don't know a lot of people that do that. I don't know a lot of girls who'd tell ANY guy that chest pains are caused by their bra being too tight, repeatedly. That's me, stuff just flies out. I've been told before that I'm all innuendo and suggestion and I think it's partly that people have dirty minds.

Not that I don't have a dirty mind. If I believe the stereo types I'm a man. I think about sex like all the time. I have a roving eye, and a vivid imagination. You can look at me and not guess what I'm thinking, and it's probably a good thing because I'm pornographic - Playboy is not. So the other day when flirt guy looks at me and says 'did you just fluff that guy' I wasn't thinking what he meant. First off I was thinking I can't fluff someone over the phone and then I thought if I did this would be a 900 number and you're so not going to be hired there (him not me) and then I thought YOU DID NOT JUST ASK ME IF I'M A FLUFFER. And then he asked if I just fluffed the customer off. Suddenly we were speaking the same language. Suddenly I was wondering if the first part was my Freudian mental slip or his verbal slip. Cuz we flirt. And he stares and lately he's really keen on knowing when I'll be at work. And I HAVE A DIRTY MIND. But I have that all the time. I think I was blushing a bit. So now we're even.

Thing is he's so easy to talk to but the winning horse in the trying to get a date category would be the I make him nervous guy. He gets his spine on once or twice a month and makes a fly by. It's kinda funny, cuz he's a meh guy. Nothing really there but I wouldn't say no cuz I don't know him, there could be something there. He doesn't pop. I don't know how guys define date worthiness but I'd hang out with the devil, if there was some good times to be had. I like to meet people and learn about them and some people make that easy. Some people make it like pulling teeth and I bore with a challenge. So when I look to the world and see all the possibilities and wonder why I'm hanging solo most of the time, I kind a think it's my dirty mind. It holds me back because I don't want to be known as the girl with the not purest intentions (aren't we supposed to be sought after?). SLUT was never a name I wanted to make for myself, just because I am in my mind, and really WHO isn't? Doesn't make me want to go out there and try for the title of office whore or anything. Cuz in reality what I say most of the time is just this side of a harassment suit anyways, and that's idle chatter with my friends. So you see why, when the chips are down, I kinda like a guy to make the move; cuz then I know I'm not reading into things, or somehow caught in a scenario in my head. I know there really is a play in motion and not something I'm thinking could be going on. Cuz I have a VIVID imagination. I can go places with a few words that no one else can get to with a Sherpa guide and GPS satellite tracking.

Of course all of this blather was brought to you courtesy of freewillastrology.com. The 4 guys at work who flirt with me. Okcupid, my IM and the overwraught brain of doom :) In the meantime I'm going to contemplate the worthiness of cute clothes I can't wear at work, cuz I work in a meat freezer (I HATE air conditioning) and have no one to wear them for and therfor impress with. Cuz my married friends don't care and I can't look at myself that much => I'm afraid of developing narcisissim (?) and I'm just not that in love with people who STARE as I walk by. I get kinda peeved, which makes me look like the angry tattoed girl (and yes they always stareat mt tats, guys set there from the rack). So I like to keep that to a minimum, and I'd prefer to have a few compliments to go with before I subject myself to the general staring populace I guess. That said, I'll shop anyways, but in moderation. Mostly for frosted mini wheats and a nice skirt. A BAD/Good girl needs a skirt right? Now I'm going to turn off the slow sad music and put on something to pump me up or I'll flatline before work.

Keep blogging.

PS Technorati is bs, it says only 8 places link to me but there are more than that. What gives?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:53 AM

17 May 2006

in a little while i'll be there :

I wanted to make this my new icon. Blogger won't let me cuz it's too good, and too big. Bastiges. I'm running late, no time to ramble so I'm gonna save this and come back tonight and finish it. This should be a .gif but it didn't upload like that, so if you wanna see the postal kittie email me and I'll pass it on. Got it for Mental Health Day :)


So I'm back with the random stuff in my head.

Like why are you wearing heels and using a cane? Not one of those adjustable canes and all, one made for someone not wearing heels when they've already got some problem that requires a cane.

Why does it always rain, why is it raining like there's no drought anywhere else? I'm kinda tired of rain. I've never lived in BC but I think I have a grip on it since SouthEastern Ontario became rain central. It's not just this year, it's like every year. It's now that I miss the prairies most.

I got my eyes tested and the doc put that gluey stuff in my eyes and then wanted to check the pressure. SO he tells me no to look at it and of course I do what he says which makes me freak out about it so I keep pulling away. He wasn't happy, even tried holding my eye open for me. Note to Self => next time just look at it and it won't freak you out.

I got my other blog up and screwed with and I like it enough I may repost the link once I get some stuff up there. I'm working on it and we'll see.

I want to go shopping tomorrow and get cute clothes. I know I probably won't even wear most of them. But I saw and I want and I have to work so I'd have to run out and get them early and I'm not even in bed now and I make excuses in run on sentences eh?

I made flirt guy blush today, but kinda of invading his space. Not on purpose I was coming around the corner and he turned into my direction and he kinda blushed and backed up. Lil ole me - so intimidating :)

I'm sad that Invasion is cancelled. I really like Tom and his wafflinf good/evilness. Didn't really care for anyone else but I like his charcter. I like the actor too, whatever his name is cuz it escapes me. I'm now going to watch the end of the Amazing Race and eat some fries and yogurt.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:12 PM

16 May 2006

i want what i want :
There's this certin look of disappointment I see on people a lot. I get i mostly from people I meet whothought I was lying about myself, and from people who firmly believe I am younger than I am and then find out my age. I got the look last night when I told my manager my age, cuz we were talking. He got all hinky. He thinks I hate him now because he's 7 years younger than me. Nah. If I hated him it would be for a better reason than that, like that he's a schizophrenic conversationalist or a plain old fashioned liar. Those are better reasons. At least for me.

Now I don't think I actively perpetrate a falseness about myself. I act how I feel. Being a Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius I age backwards. Iwas older when I was younger, now I'm older I'm younger and such. I don't dress that youthfully - no belly shirts and hipsters and whatever is the rage. I don't lie about my age. I do get the heebie jeebies telling people I'm 35, cuz they tend to start looking at me differently. Sometimes it goes away and it all goes back to normal. Other times it changes the way they relate to me in such a serious way that it's never really like we're friendly anymore. My roommates are like that. They had made a decision about me based on my age and it's never changed. It's why they can't be bothered to get to know me, as far as they're concerned I'm an old lady. Since I accidentally found out how old flirt guy is I now have to contend with the fact he wants to know my age, and I don't really want to see that look on his face.

****spoiler alert*****

I'm kinda tired today. Sinus allergies are a bitch :) And there's still construction on the road so there's all manner of noise. And there's still no sun so I can make the big blue vein on my face disappear behind freckles. Woe is me, I'm sun deprived. In the meantime the most taxing thing I'm doing today is going to have my eyes checked and then, maybe, a steak and some quality me time at the Highlander. I'm planning on rolling home early to catch the finale of NCIS. I'm so Sad that Denny's dead. I wasn't that interested in Meredith and her reunion, it's kinda contrived and soap operaish; but Christina and Burke and Kallie and George and even Alex kept me watching. I feel sorry for Addison and the end of Prison Break was weak - in that I think cutting off the hand was overkill, cut off his thumb at the joint and that's all you needed. Everyone is on the run now til September/October - so we'll see how it goes eh. Will I still be watching Prison Break, will I still be able to stange Grey's Anatomy if Meredith becomes even less likable? Will Gibbs ever remember he's the MAN?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:10 PM

15 May 2006

the silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload :
The cat came to visit today. I like the cat, he occassionally likes me. He climbed into - INTO - my dresser and tried to go to sleep. I pulled him out so he got disgruntled and left. So goes my Monday so far.

I don't like Mondays. It goes beyond the Garfield cartoon reasoning of Mondays being a piano coming out of nowhere and killing you for no reason on Monday. I was born on a Monday and it's been trying to kill me ever since. It may just be my inhernet bad things are gonna happen paranoia => but Murphy brings the laws down on my ass ever Monday. Seemingly enough today's a nice enough grey day with little/no rain. Just overcast goodness that will be actual sun by the time I'm at work.

Some guy at work wants me to trade him for later shifts. I'm not sure I want to start at 3 and finish at 11.30. I'm not sure I want to be nice, since it's easy to come by and ask me for a favour when you know you'de NEVER do it for me. He wants to work at the AM. Like a regular Joe. I already know I'm not normal. I don't have any heart attacks/strokes or random chest painy goodness in my life (as per yesterday) so I'm already the a-typical call centre geek. Thing is people see me coming and want to take advantage of my niceness, as long as it benefits them in some way. Kinda tired of it cuz I don't understand. Why do the people who are no good know I can be taken advantage of, and the people who are good fear me?

Ah I'm too karma stupid for my own good. In the mean time I've been reading blogs. Interesting things to see on Sass and Elle's blogs. They're in the blogroll. To continue in my own vein about Sass's thoughts - There are things I don't say here on the blog. Cuz I imagine that somehow somewhere someone who shouldn't will read it and get pissed. In the meantime I feel stifled and moronic. My Ma and sister know I have a blog. They think it's stupid and don't want to read it. My Ex doesn't know. Most of my friends do and aren't interested in reading it at all either. I think if they did read it and I knew it'd be weird. But thing is I don't think people have a right to get pissed about the feelings or thoughts you may have randomly and put down in the blog. I know I may be stupid and say shit carelessly in person, and I have to live with that - but technically reading any of that here or in my journal is like reading my mind. Since I can't honestly say I like myself ALL THE TIME, I can pretty much guarantee there are going to be points where I'm not crazy about you. People are funny that way. You say a random thing with no idea, no purpose and it'll hit them and have an effect regardless of what was intended. People don't tell you if you make them mad, or they don't understand or can't figure out what is going on. People by and large don't ask questions, they make assumptions and take it personally and get twisted and it builds up and things go bad, or good, depending on how it goes and rolls into the piles of their mental decisions.

Thing is it's not like I'm easily offended. It's not like I'm not easily offended. I'm not a real mind reader but I'm psychic given the right circumstances. I have no problem making friends and yet no idea if the friends I've decided on even think of me as a friend. I get weird vibes from people and I I don't ask. Because being the questioning person makes me scary, anomalous and forgein. I can stick out enough on my own. People tell me things, but they don't do that because they want to be friends. They don't do that because they have any real interest in me or my life. I don't know much about guys - or how to tell if they'll get off the fence and make a move. I know when they're watching tho. It's hard to miss that. I get the rack stare a lot. I know when a guy watches me walk away. I know my knowing makes them nervous. I don't know why. Maybe I have a shark like appearance. Maybe it's because some of them are young, 8 years or more - and that's got me thinking too. But nothing needs to be said. I just want to see how it all plays out. I want to see if there really is a guy out there who can ask a girl out. Seriously it's never really happened to me. Where I got asked out. I always do the asking. I just get tired of waiting - patience isn't a virtue I have.

But this Monday I've got resolve. To play all the guy games. To see how far the swivelling neck takes me. To blog fearlessly about the things I want to say. To be me. Cuz Monday's trying to kill me, so I might as well put my best foot forward.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:36 AM

14 May 2006

i don't care what they say, i won't stay in a world without love :
I was trying to get online before now. I was trying but the roommates/bandwidth hogs - were preventing me. I freaked them out by letting the dinner I was mking alone in the overn, and apparently the timer on the oven going off for maybe 30 seconds => is justification to be pissy assholes about it - but not justification to go and turn off the oven. So they're freaking out at me about how irresponsible I am for not watching the oven and taking the time to call my mom for mother's day. I didn't burn dinner, nothing was even smoking - but the beeping of tha alarm raised everyone's blood pressure and they had to speak out about it. No knock on my dor or check it themselves - just yell and make a fuss when I went to look. Well at least I know who will survive a fire alarm. They might hear it but they won't do anything about it.

Aside from that I had an amusing weekend. I was then returned to work to meet the regulars, on my corner - and hear the tales of my abnormality. It turns out flirt guy is 27. I didn't ask him, the guy next to me did after flirt guy shared he's had a stroke and is currently having chest pains. It wasn't a conversation I was directly involved in. I was just listening. Flirt guy did ask me if I ever had chest pains and I had to answer honestly - no. I said that if he were a girl I'd have a ready answer => you're bra's too tight. I've never had chest pain that couldn't be alleviated by taking off my bra. He asked me not to make him laugh because he wasn't wearing his bra today. Seriously the guy is cute - and other than that I think he's probably the most long suffering person whose stories I don't know. He's a walking wreck just this side of a body bag. If I find out one more sad thing about the state he's in I might just cry, right there infront of him.

Now onto the interesting things, Mental Furball TOP TEN:

10) the grace - neverending white lights
9) kickstart my heart - motley crue
8) no reason to cry out your eyes - hawksley workman
7) it's all about the benjamins - puff daddy
6) walkaway - kelly clarkson
5) out of my head - mobile
4) virgin state of mind - k's choice
3) ps I live you - the all american rejects
2) cherry pie - warrant
1) c'mon c'mon - the von bondies

C'mon C'mon
The Von Bondies

On another day c'mon c'mon
With these ropes I tied can we do no wrong
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

With my teeth locked down I can see the blood
Of a thousand men who have come and gone
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I ever learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

As I make my way c'mon c'mon
These better nights that seem too long
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

With my teeth locked down I can see the blood
Of a thousand men who have come and gone
Now we grieve cause now is gone
Things were good when we were young

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I never learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

Is it safe to say? (c'mon c'mon)
Was it right to leave? (c'mon c'mon)
Will I never learn? (c'mon c'mon)
(c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)

And know this day these deepened wounds don't heal so fast
Can't hear me croon of a million lies that speak no truth
Of a time gone by that now is through

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:25 AM

12 May 2006

i'm a never was trying to be a has been has been on the come back trail :
I've been all over town today and even though I'm thinking of staying home now that it's 6.28 and I've no hope of getting to the Mayfair before 7. I still wanna go out. I want to go do something more exciting than think about how the rain makes me feel like my brains turned off. I can't really care when i't grey outside, which gives me a great break from the noise in my head - but I kinda need the noise. I kind of need a distraction, someone at least - to drink weird mixed drinks with and sing karaoke. I need to be doing anyhting but actually adding up the time I spent with my EX

I got my marriage certificate today. Which means I can get divorced now. I ahven't spoken to him in over a year and it seems kindo fo mena to just send him the paper work like I can't stand him. And yet I'm a bad person. I can't stand him, the very thought of him makes my skin crawl and I feel like the most awful person because of that. I made the mistakes that led to what I got into and, though I didn't make him do any of what he did or does, I did let all of that warp me into this person that I couldn't stand. I HATE that. I never want to see that woman again, and yet even speaking to him conjures her from the dead like it's some kind of evil fairytale spell. Our combined 2.5 years together left me physically ill, menatlly exhausted and wanting the world to end.

Now, I'm not in that place anymore. I remember it and I don't need to revist it to know why I left. I was thinking how much energy I wasted just wishing and hoping he would return to being the man I met and all that. All the times I still wish he'd just get help so we could talk at least. It's weird because people talk about forgiveness and all but I don't know if I can forgive him for seeing that I needed to really be broken down. That sounds odd I know. But I spend most of my time in the future, planning out how J is going to go and letting a-b-c-d-e-f etc. alone to work out and happen on their own => because they were J days, weeks, months or years ago. I don't allow myself the time to be and appreciate and love the now. I was running away from the past and all I had let get me down and in the end I managed to find all of the things I never wanted to deal with all wrapped up in my EX.

I know there were al ot of good times. I know we really were friends. I know he can actually say he's sorry and sound like he means it enough for me to believe it. And I can forgive him. BUT I can't forgive me. In the long list of things I'm willing to take and have been forced to be responsible for, my greatest defeat is being responsible for the bad ME I was after being with him. I changed too and that fed his changes and we were one horrid vicious cycle. The wiorst parts of domestic life, we visited them to each other. And seemingly he's moved on and I'm still wondering how and why it went to shit. Because I don't ever want to find myself there again. Not with him or any other man. If I somehow made all of the moves the brought me to the place where I ended up then, how can I be sure I won't do it again? I was sure it would never happen then. I was totally sure I had it made, that I'd escaped the statistic that is my life. But I was just another digit in the final number it seems.

In the end I'll get my shit together and take the marriage certificate and that down and file my divorce petiton. I want to be divorced more than anything. I never thought I'd ever get married. I'm not against marriage. I'd do it again and not think too hard about it. I don't think I'll ever get the chance again. If my track record and thought here about my dating prospects don't clue you in +> I'm not a big dater. I'm beyond gun shy and somehow I'm not sure there's a hollywood ending written for me. So I'm trying not to be lue, drinking blueberry and pomegranate juice and thinking it'd be good with some vodka or creme de cacoa or both. And really wishing someone would call and say let's go play pool. But I have no friend in town who'd do that and I have no one to call to ask. I'm a little tired of wallowing. I'm always going to be screwed up over guys, that's what I should put on my business card. Not going to keep me from living life.

I got a free movie pass, so I may truck my ass down to the World Exchange and go see Thank You for Smoking. I was thinking about seeing Poseidon, but it's NO PASSES at South Keys, and I'm not sure I want to go out to Silver City. I knda feel like a steak though and I don't know a good place in town to get one anymore. Can anyone tell me why it's so hard to make friends? I remember it used to be easy. Maybe I need to stop singing to myself in public, but really it's a unique quality that'll help you pick me outta crowd. SO until I get a real posse I'll probably be here drinking and driving on NFS Most Wanted. Eating some wings and chips and wishing and hoping, cuz I'm trying to be in the now but every now and then I gotta dream.

Keep blogging.

And thanks, Lins - for the post card.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:40 PM

11 May 2006

does anybody wonder? anybody care? :
I'm a little gone crazy. I've got spring fever and a man in mind. I'm wearing myself out being proactive. I really have to learn how to let things happen, cuz usually what I make happen is bad mojo somehow and there's no heart left in me for that. I'm a little weirdo, looking for a place to happen. And some beer and some steak tomorrow => and I'm going to paint my toenails red. I'm going to do that because I stopped a long time ago. Not for any good reason though. I used to have red toenails as a girl. It didn't bother me that my Da hated it calling me hooker toes, or that pickrel fish were supposed to like red and bite it - and they were all over the lakes I swam in. It never bothered me that I was the only girl around who had blood red toenails. Everyone else was pastel and cool and pink/purple - maybe blue. It wasn't so much daring to be differnt. More it was just liking what I liked.

I'm a late bloomer, so after a fashion I moved out into the world and became a slave to the fears and expectations that were so readily available to me from everyone. Sass talks about friends on her blog. I was a blank slate for a long time, doing whatever I had to to make friends. Well, to be honest I did everythig short of sex cuz I was kinda uptight about that. I Did have a Cinderella complex and all. I still do have that complex but I've grown into the shamelessness of my existance now. I am the queen of overshare. I am getting back to what I really like.

Back when I could feign confidence I asked guys out. I always got shot down. Sometimes I got laughed at, scorned, ridiculed and more often than not I was just lied to. I'm not up for that again. I'm not looking for that kind of rejection. I don't have the desire to put myself out there that way. I should. Then I'd have my definitive answers about the guys currently circling. I am the scary girl. I am the one guys can't talk to. I am the one making it worse by taking the game to them and forcing them to make a choice. I AM THE BIG BAD :) Because I am miles ahead. I am impatient. I enjoy the dance but I enjoy just cutting to the chase and making the time to sit and talk and relate. I have no idea what is so scary about someone telling you I want to get to know you better. But in whatever flawed way I do it, I terrify.

Why am I saying all this? Because I have 2 whole days off starting 10.30 tonight and I'm staring down the barrel of being incredibly bored and toxically left to my own devices. I've been trying everything I know to make new friends. The only success, my married friends - are leaving for the weekend. I don't begrudge them that, infact I need a break from hanging with the happies. But all by myself I have no desire to go and do anything that might get me meeting and greeting people. I'm a girl and I don't like to go out alone at night when I don't HAVE to. It's just a fact of life that it's a bad idea to do that. So I languish alone when I should be hanging and grooving and funning.

I know I'm intense. I know that I'm always on fast forward. I don't know how to help myself in that regard. I don't know how to not end up seeming like the really bizarro clingy leech freind that no one wants to get stuck with. I feel that way. Mostly because people seem to take my genuine interest in them as some sort of offense. Sometimes I get the feeling that being interested in peopl is the best way to get labeled as a freak and a stalker. I've always been interested in people, I like to know all about them. I'm big on stories and so far I haven't met many story tellers. So in the end am I the weird one or are the people I'm trying to get to know the weirdos? I think it's me because I'll be making friends with just about anyone. I give all takers a chance. Now if only I could say they do the same for me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:24 AM

10 May 2006

and the songbirds keep singing like they know the score :
Note to self : no more McDonalds, EVER. I had a craving last night after work. I borrowed a dollar and headed over to rotten ronnies, via the you're gorggeous guy and his car. Not that I couldn't have walked but it's rare I get to go anywhere by car so I let him drive me. So 15 seconds later we're in the parking lot. I knew about the value meal. I had no ide3a it had replaced the day of the week meal deal. I actually went and said I can't believe I'm paying the same price for less food. The worker looked at me like I spit on her. But it's true. For $4.27 I used to get a real McChicken, medium fries and a drink. Now you get a mini McChicken and a small fries. Incase you're new here, this is the huge overshare part +> I wanted one. I think it's because fast food is my favourite form of colonic.

Yes another I didn't really sleep night and I'm trying to deprogram myslef from thinking of the flirt guy. I'm trying to focus on the others who flirt and compliment. If I get too fixated things seem to fall through. Plus it's not like I plan on doing anything about it, so if he doesn't suit up and make a move this will just fade away. Whatever it is, and it's something. I just can't pinpoint what. I maybe just the weather and my imagination. Since I have no back up on this tip, I can't get a second oppinion on what's what. Life in a call centre, mostly people only pay attention to themselves.

I'm kind of getting closer to my weekend. 2 more days of forrest gumps and loss of IQ and I'm done. I have to stop ducking out early, it comes right off my cheques and there's no need for me to be short just because I'm incredibly impatient and can't bare to be there longer than I need to. I should never have been told anything under 15 minutes doesn't affect me. It's just the wrong info to give me when I'm ready to shriek like a banshee and verbally go postal on some helpless, maybe rude, never listening caller. Technically I'm spoiled as there are people who have to talk to them 7 straight days in a row, but I'm feeling abused. I need a mental recharge a lot faster than that. Especially when I'm sleeping oddly +> even if that is my own fault :)

So the sun is out and the birds are singing and I'm going to work 9again) and I'm going to play nice, not be vicious, repent I was vicious yesterday, and try not to look too much like I'stalking flirt guy. Cuz y'know, I neeed my smile fix.

Keep blogging.

PS does anyone know why the template at my other blog looks like that? It's not supposed to and I want to fix it but don't know how. Any help/suggestions?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:40 AM

09 May 2006

when you gonna love you as much as i do you say that things change my dear :
So I told my self, self - your ass is way tired and you're going to bed early. Self said The cute guys from Proson Break are breaking out tonihgt! I HAVE to watch. So I said OK, that show and then straight to bed. I was sleeping by 11.30. I was kinda disappointed with the first part of the break out, I thought there would be more drama. I so didn't see anything I couldn't guess before it happened. I'm glad Sarah didn't become an addict again, but all the allusions to it seemed weak. Or was it just me?

Blogger's being fucked up. I can't read blogs and I can barely get this page to load. I have no idea if this will ever post. I woke up to Winter in my head. Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes and I go WAY BACK. It's my enduring 90's favourite. I listen to it way more than any other disk I got at that time. I am not so sure why that is. It's the newest disk of the lot, the last one I bought that year, but I can't keep it off my player for long. And now I have a scene in my head for nearly every song on the album.

I got 11 hours in, with little qwake ups here and there because I do live with roommates who so don't care to stop and think about anyone but themselves. I don't want to be 20 anything anymore. I'm starting to realize how screwed up I was and how badly that whacked out my world. It led to a lot of screwy things that I'm still getting over, around and through. So I can blame my parents for laying the ground work, doesn't mean I can't accept responsibility for being the one who went merrily down the path and made the nightmare a reality.

Life is short and I do things differently, to save me from myself. Unfortunately I'm really my own worst enemy. Now I just wait and see if I get to flirt with flirt guy. I talk to whoever is around and I do what I want. Life hasn't really changed much for me, it sort of reverted back to it's more recognisable parts. And I wait to find out if I'm house/cat sitting for my married friends. They are supposed to be gone all weekend, but I have no idea waht's happening there. Hopefully all of the stars line up in order and it all works out gloriously and I get some sun to freckle and tan a bit so I don't look too much like a washed out blonde.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:56 AM

08 May 2006

i go to waste all my time is missing :
I had a 'rough' night last night. Sometimes I have nights where I'm pretty much awake every hour on the hour. Lately I haven't been sleeping solid. I've been kind of excited, but it's all imaginary excitement and I'm letting it affect me in the wrong ways. It's hard for me to sleep at the best of times. I have a few less than admirable traits like a bad sense of smell, no tact, a high tolerance for pain and the inherent inability not to think. Shutting down the facility is more like re directing the energies to somewhere else. It's why my dreams have soundtrackas and I generally remember what they are about. Last night is no exception.

Aside from the typical stress dream where every one I encounter has a computer problem for me to fix (and someohow the ISP I work for has obtained global domination) I had to forcefully make myself think of other things to dream of. So then I'm dreaming of taking a giant travelling office building to another town with my mom, sister and a bunch of older people I usde to live with in low income housing. As much as I'm trying to get away from them I need them to help me out and get me into the building/car. I can't get left behind, and I'm not => but I'm kind of confused and lying to the Big Brother type voice driving.

Why? Because suddenly I'm remembering in the dream that I've actually dreamt this all before. So when the voice asks where it knows me from I first answer it doesn't. I then remember I've dreamt this before and back pedal and fluf because I don't really know if it knows me or not, if it remembers we already did this before and so on. If I was good with paradoxes I might have had a fighting chance of not coming out of that conversation feeling like a moron. But it was a dream and I went from being the Queen of Tech Support and all wanted, to being just another low rent schlub feeling like a loser on a short bus.

Yea so waking up every hour on the hour last night led me to wash my hair and now it's full on fluffy and it looks not so sleek and cool and I'm wishing I had my own stylist. Mostly I'm wishing to not be so tired at work that getting home gives me my second wind and I'm up late an still not sleeping right. I don't want to spend my first 2 days off in a row in a while, lying in bed trying not to be a zombie because I apparently have caught the insomnia that's goign around. At least if I have caught it, it's because of good feelings and thoughts and smiles. I'm a late bloomer so I'm just getting my first losing sleep crush ok?

I had The Grace stuck in my head ALL night. I had to look the lyrics up and everything because it's all kinda muffled when I try to hear it on brain radio. I saw the video like a week ago and since then it's become a pervasive song in my days. It's like Keep Myself Awake by Black Lamb => it keeps creeping into my head at the weirdest times. And then there's just my all time favourite Queen song that keeps spinning and making me dance => I Want to Break Free. I make a lot of mixed cd's, because I just have to hear these songs when they got on my mind. Of course some of the same songs keep showing up, but they get higher rotation in my brainpan I guess, so they get the repeat treatment. I'm going to be obsessed with The Grace until I learn all the lyrics inside and out. Then it won't be the loudest song in my head, because my brain can't tease me with knowing it better inside then I do on the outside of my dreams.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:25 PM

07 May 2006

i was there and you were my baby :
I went out and mad groceried early. I start a half hour later this week so I had the time. Since I got my hair done and all that I've been feeling intensely different. I'm not sure why but I do and I like it. I feel the sunshine again. I smile with ease and I sing along again. I found my way out from under the weight of my world and I plan to stay there. Be happy for me as I soldier into the new question mark of my life.

I came home and performed more surgery on my stereo. One speaker wire has a short in it. Egads. I got the Neverending White Lights cd and I'm going to enjoy it this week. It's easier to embrace the melencholy of my soul then fight it, I love sad songs. They make me happy.

Since I'm a new person, since I felt that shift and the start ofthe slide to change => I have realized that I don't really have a game plane for my life. I've been playing by other people's idea of what my life should be and now that I call the shots I see I have no direction. I wonder if it's a really bad thing to begin coasting 15 years away from 50. I wonder if I should bother wondering and not just let things happen.

Mental Playlist

10) summer son - texas
9) the grace - never ending white lights featuring dallas green
8) belle of st. mark - sheila e.
7) rough boy - zz top
6) killing me softly - the fugees
5) i wish - jem
4) blasphemous rumours - depeche mode
3) london rain - heather nova
2) extraordinary - liz phair
1) sick of myself - matthew sweet

Sick Of Myself
Matthew Sweet

You don't know how you move me
Deconstruct me
And consume me
I'm all used up
I'm out of luck
I am starstruck
By something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive

But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think Baby you don't know

I'll take or leave
The room to breathe
The choice to leave you
I'll throw away
A chance at greatness
Just to make this
Dream come into play, I don't know if I'll find a way

'Cause I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think Baby you don't know
I'm beginning to think Baby you don't know

There's something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive
But I'm sick of myself when I look at you
Something is beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think Baby you don't know
I'm beginning to think Baby you don't know

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:10 PM

06 May 2006

i wish i was going too :
Post 300 came and went. Welcome to post 302. Sounds like a business stream class in highschool doesn't it? Yesterday I took my ring money and got a semi whole new me. I went BLONDEr and got a funky spiky cut to go with it and spent most of the day marvelling about how I didn't much look like me. I spent too much money as I got some earrings, some pants and then some lobsteritas and a a rel lobster to celebrate my positive life change. My married friend was less than thrilled. I got the basic the hair looks great, but I can tell I was wearing thin with her. Since she has insomnia I'll cut her some slack but it wasn't the funnest thing I could have done. I start a six day stretch today and it's pouring rain out. What a way to go eh?

The Kids are alright. It seems they made it back to town in one piece from their trip to wherever. I was never really told where they were going and so I don't remember if I ever heard where it was. Now we're one big selfishly dysfunctional and non communicative family again. I miss having a girlfriend to talk to. I have no one to blather about flirt guy to, since I'm SURE he's actually interested in me. We're doing the information dance and I guess he's trying to figure out if I'd be worth it. I hope he decided yes, but over that i have no control so I'm just going to go to work and be and flirt and hope and think WOW and such.

I've got some templates to play with that, by the end of next weekend could be quietly living here instead of what I do have now. We'll see. I make no promises, I don't like breaking them :) Other than that I was positively run off my feet yesterday and I really need to know why the days off are more frantic than days on?? Oh and I need to know why when I'm happier the people are dumber and less fun to work with too?? I read Sass tallking about quitting tech support and how it's so great and the thing is IF I do that I'm like headed for a stellar food service career in fast food or a coffee house, where there's little need for me to speak/read/write French. I do none of that. I'm really starting to feel like I should just take the hell off somewhere else, since Ottawa's kinda dead end in the job spectrum. But then again I have no where to go and no real desire to sell all my stuff to go there.

Ah being the crazy impulsive just do it type really leaves me wanting to just have a bit of a need to put down roots and stay put and see what long term happens. I've counted. I have more than 2 addresses for evey year I've been alive, and at that rate I'll be having to live to 100 to make it like 1 address for every three-five years I've been here. I move alot, but not always is there a changing of the job involved. Of course I blame it on boring easily. I always want to be feeling a little challenged. As much as I rally against change I am also the biggest catalyst for it in my own life. I guess that's why I don't like having people change things on me or for me. Me doing change is A OK but having change forced upon me is not that great. I'm so wierd. I've learned to love adversity by bringing it to myself.

Sot here will be a mental furball tomorrow and maybe a oicture of my new hair. After all waht fun is any of this if I can't share right? Kepp blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:13 AM

04 May 2006

in a world that's ugly and a lie it's hard to even want to try :
Yesterday I pulled a total girlie girl move. I got to work and someone was sitting in 'myseat'. I pitched a gigantic fit for 15-20 minutes and got the seat back. I was horrified at myself while I did it, but it was a successful campaign and I got what I wanted. I'm kind of ashamed but it's not like the guy didn't know I always sit there. It's the 3rd time I've strong armed someone with crazy chickness to get that seat and it's wearing thin. But I'm so not into change - how will I flirt with flirt guy if I can't see him? It's the little things I don't want to be without, like my buddies in billing and proximity to all the bathrooms. No one understands that :)

So the sun is shining and there is an entire day off for me tomorrow. I'm excited but already feeling worn out => way too much to do and so little time/energy/lazy time. I want to get my hair done and hit the highlander, but I also have to go totally across town for to fill some perscriptions and then I have to be back around here by 4:30 to pick up the party people and determine if a) there is actually going to be a party or not and b) where we are going to go. Someone's got insomnia and it can be a real party killer, but hopefully margaritas will rule.

Since I totally face the prospect of losing my seat again I got prepared yesterday and emailed myself the really important things I'd need to get by elsewhere. I'm totally giving up on needing to sit there because as soon as I think I've got it made someone comes a long and takes it over and makes it not worthwhile. People are gross, and if you don't believe me go into a woman's bathroom sometimes. Ladies rooms are some of the most disgusting places ever, especailly at work.

Aside from all that I'm enjoying tv land. I think JJ Abrams is getting predictable, felt that whole fox in the hen house thing coming. I was also pretty sure they'd clone Sidney in Alias because of the title There is Only One Sidney Bristow. Clues galore. Of course I was sad to see Nadia go, what a sucky thing => to finally get back on the show and get killed, ouch! Since I LOVE Denny on Grey's Anatomy I'm afraid they're killing him off. I don't care about the love triangle, I just love the character. I'm also thinking that all this final 3 episodes BS sounds too much like all these shows are getting cancelled not just breaking for the season. Some of them really are but I know ER will be back and it's kinda really boring. So will Lost, and I hope it picks up the pace a bit because waiting to the end of the season for action doesn't give me much incentive to watch. Other things are up in the air but most of the cute boy shows will be back so there will be something to 'watch' :)

That's all the interesting things I have for right now. I'm feeling better and that's a good thing. I'm getting over myself with the help of tune therapy. SICK OF MYSELF by Matthew Sweet and a host of other goodies. When in doubt, sing it out:)

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:30 AM

03 May 2006

how can Ii try to tell you what i want you to know :
I've hit the bottomless introspection that seems to bludgeon me everytime I start hanging with those who 'have it all'. I'm not much of the sort that ever fit in, I'm too self conscious from years of being the hated fat girl and or brainiac. After my EX I'm like totally devoid of self esteem. Enough so that I find myself waffling on the easiest things and giving up on even the most harmless of interests because I see no point. I'm not worthy, at least I can't seem to find any kind of outward sources agreeing with me that I am. AND without that little bit of back up I've gone and fallen into a semi pit of despair.

Since I actually noticed this the other day, it's not full on despair. I think I just got the anti-life blues. I was actually listening to myself talk about me to someone else and I realised I had nothing good to say and I can't figure out why. Why is it all that comes out of my mouth seems to be some version of bad things told to me over the years=> like I'm all set up to warn people with what I've been told is my problem instead of being all smart and letting them decide for themselves :) So I said to myself yesterday - get the fuck over it. The only thing you really need to do is stay alive and try not to kill anyone else, and you're golden. All these things you want will happen, you know it just takes luck and a blind eye.

Thing is nothing ever seems to roll my way visibly til I actually give up on it. I didn't see flirt guy for over a week. I decided that I didn't care if I ever saw him again and there he is yesterday. I don't care about my job, I'm so bored, and I couldn't be doing better at it. I've lost the ability to lie and I'm actually enjoying the role as the scary guy that one guy at work can't talk to. I'm slipping to the darkside and I'm finding it warm and cozy. I don't want to slip into the mean single world. The bitter old maid thing was never something I relished and I'm so feeling it these days, I'm just a step away from dressing like the chick on the card. I know it's because I'm unsatisfied. It's because I come home to and wake up with the tv and, well, tv isn't a girls best friend. I have no one to really talk to and even though all my free time has been going to my married friends and hanging out, they don't understand. They've been a couple like 13 years. Single isn't something they can wrap their heads around.

Aside from that I've been clawing my way out from under my black cloud, in time for more actual rain. I'm of the oppinion we need more sun and less grey. I never really cred before but I kinda like the btightness when I' stuck in mental shades of grey. I'm just trying to get myself back up to snuff, in the I'm ok and hit me with yer best shot modes. I'm sure by Friday (since I got my ring money) I'll be right as rain. I'm getting my hair done, I'm gonna have a meal at the Highlander (oggle Liam Neeson maybe) and then catch up with my married friends so we can get plastered on cinqo de mayo. Then I work for 6 straight days and get 2 days off. I'm loathing schedulers in all their forms lately because they're just fucking with me and I'd like to slap them silly for even thinking it's a good idea. It doesn't much matter to me that they don't know me personally or anything, I still want to fly to India and tear a strip off someone. It's more for the trip then the strip though, a vaction is most needed I think. Because I'm just a little ball of don't wanna be here.

I'm just on bad person away from crawling back into bed and becaoming a shut in. Which, apparently the universe knows so it's been throwing me a bone lately. Flirt guy is back, the people are semi sane and mostly able tof floolw directions and my roommates have been non existant. Actually I'm being kinda paranoid since I was here on Sunday with my married girl friend, neither Kid N or Kid E will talk to me or even be in the same place with em. I'm pretty much convincrd that they have decided I'm gay and can't deal with it. Why gay? WEll because I wasn't home the night before then I show up here with a girl and these guys are so lame as to connect the dots that way. I'll know when Kid M gets back, because he's all about the sexual - so he'll have to ask. I'm not gay, it just seems that way when a girl can't get a date.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:23 AM

01 May 2006

even though he was only 17 :
I wasn't here and no body missed me. I'm one away from 300. DOes anyone think that'sa as outrageous as I do? I spent my one day off hanging with my married friends. I think it's actually causing a problem, as they may be unable to share me. I'm not sure I could judt be making it up. I do have the mental playlist waitng and I do hope more people will find their way here and read me. I know I have to be tonnes more interesting than that. I'm not, I've turned into a cooler swilling, hair dying, truffle eating suburban dweller and I'm kinda wondering where the hell I went. Funny how you can disappear before your own eyes eh?

I don't understand a lot of things these days, but I know that I've not been rolling with the punches as well as necessary. Good news is I sold my engagement ring.

MENTAL Playlist

10) the belle of st. mark - sheila e.
9) kickstart my heart - motley crue
8) sometimes she cries - warrant
7) fugee la - the fugees
6) life is short - butterfly boucher
5) union of the snake - duran duran
4) so far away - staind
3) tourniquet - evanessence
2) canned heat - jamiroquai
1) beats so lonely - charlie sexton

Beat's So Lonely
by Charlie Sexton

Beat's so lonely
I bet it's lonely at the top
She hesitates
But the beat will never stop

Wanting him only
But the people never see
Her heart burning
That's the secret that she keeps

Come on baby
You know there's something missing
Don't find nothing
No more coincidences

Pretty baby
Look in his eyes and you will see
Things will happen
But only if they're meant to be

Beat's so lonely
I bet it's lonely at the top
So lonely at the top
So lonely

She said
Beat's so lonely
If you let it be that way
She can't tell the difference anyway

She thinks hold me
But she's scared to say
She paid dearly for the answers of her days
Answers of her
Answers of her days

Beat's so lonely
As she waits so patiently
Her heart's yearning
How she'd love him to see

He's not hurting
But he wouldn't mind to be
She still sees him
She sees him interestingly

Come on baby
You know there's something missing
Don't find nothing
No more coincidences

Pretty baby
Before you give him all you got
Got to come closer
You got to give it one more shot

Beat's so lonely
I bet she's lonely at the top
So lonely at the top
So lonely

She said
Beat's so lonely
If you let it be that way
She can't tell the difference anyway

She thinks hold me
But she's scared to say
She paid dearly for the answers of her days
Answers of her days
Answers of her days

So lonely(8 x's)

Come on baby
You know there's something missing
Don't find nothing
No more coincidences

Pretty baby
Before you give him all you got
You got to come closer
You got to give it one more shot

Beat's so lonely
I bet she's lonely at the top
So lonely at the top
So lonely

So lonely (10 x's)

Wish me callers with IQ's. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:52 AM

MenTal fUrbAll