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From the ghost land of the easy life.

15 March 2008

that's not the end of my world just a slight change of plan :
There comes a time when you look around and wonder what the fuck am I trying so hard for?  I work hard to get ahead and am devalued at work.  I work hard to keep friendships alive while others toss them aside as if they were used kleenex.  I try hard to stay fit, not break my diet and be a good person.  I try to not be cynical about another lousy 10 cent pay increase, when I'm doing a whole lot more work and getting better feedback then almost everyone.  Life is always playing favourites, and I'm not on that team.  I get it.

This doesn't stop the overachiever in me from striving to be the best, and being mad when my work goes unnoticed.  Or the optimist in me from hoping that it will all turn out well in the ens and being forever disappointed at the next shitty thing that happens.  It doesn't stop me from trying, but I'm starting to wonder why bother.  All these people around me aren't trying for shit and they seem to be getting everything they want.  The better raise, the better shift, the house and car.  The move on to the better jobs and I keep trying to get some faceless employer out there to notice me and after I'm hired, to place real value in me.

But I am not an ass kisser.  I am not a toady.  I do not not ask the hard questions, and I argue to be explained to when I don't understand.  I am not the go with the flow, ply the boss with falsities to get what I want kind.  I have little interest in office politics and so am ever the last to know anything.  This riles me up.  It makes me dislike the things I try too hard to ignore, even more.  I've only had one job I loved and one boss who real,ly understood and valued me.  I miss those days when everything seemed easy and finding a place seemed possible.

Now I'm forced to wonder what tomorrow will be.  How I will be lumped in with all the other people who don't try, can't or won't make their numbers and just don't care.  Because there is no I in team, no one here values the individual, rather the statistics are key and they alone will get you by.  But I'm kind of tired of just getting by.  Maybe it's time to really move on.  Time to get a real job, not just another this will do job.  I've made an unstable career out of them already.  So now I have to fight with my need for certainty and security to face the jungle of probationary periods and job interviews looking for the elusive job I'll like and boss who gets me.  Would I settle for one or the other?  Probably.  But I'm praying for both.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:30 AM

MenTal fUrbAll