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From the ghost land of the easy life.

17 December 2007

don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands :
The holidays pretty much suck for me, that's why I work every year.  The preponderance of memories where we didn't get along outweighs the ones where it was good.  There was always food, and food never fought with you or shamed you.  I have food issues, can you tell?  Holidays for me more or less are about cookies and working.  I don't get invited to dinner at home or anywhere else anymore.  By this time of year people are tired of me, or tired of the idea of someone who really doesn't have a family to speak of trying to make them a part of her new fangled family.  In the movies and on tv people always gather round their friends and celebrate, not so much in real life when people are already feeling put upon and worry about their own dysfunction.  Well they just don't have time for you and yours.

When I think of Christmas I want a nice tree and gingerbread cookies and either I have steak or a tv turkey dinner, it's tradition and quiet.  I like it.  I already have my 3 foot tree up, I already have the tv dinner.  I already have a whole lotta time and a half coming my way for working so I'm mostly trying to avoid thinking about the anniversaries of dead people this month.  Amoung the many birthdays I can't escape the New Year's anniversary of my Dad's death.  20 years gone and still making the new year hard.  Way to go dad.  This year I work New Years so I'll actually be with people who will say Happy New Years and I believe mean it.  I'm looking forward to getting my swiss cheese schedule back on track after the holidays, I have 3 days off in a row now and since they are currently split it the days are all blending and not seeming like enough.  It's becoming a blur of trying to motivate myself to pack and throw things out.

At the end of this month I will officially be on moving countdown.  I have to hire a mover, with the weather and the month and all, no one really wants to volunteer to move me.  Heavy stuff and crappy weather are not a good combination.  I can't blame them, but then again I'm dreading saving the money for movers as it seems so hard right now to break even and I haven't even seen a utility bill yet.  Pray that I don't stroke out when they do come in, 18 days with 4800 watt space heaters and the coldest winter in 15 years are conspiring to give me grey hair and financial nightmares.  I swear all I want for Christmas is a lottery win.  Then it'd all be easy right?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:02 PM

MenTal fUrbAll