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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

04 August 2007

that i would be loved even when i am not myself :
I did join a gym and I go once a week, which isn't totally making a dent but it's making small changes and taking baby steps right? I'm on the carrots not chocolate band wagon and inappropriately lusting after guys at work. Why is it inappropriate? It seem like they're single and over 18, but I don't know them and they don't know me and it's like this wave that hits me and bam it's like 'God You're Hot.' and it's embarrassing. I won't pursue it to be shot down or picked up. I shouldn't have said anything about it to anyone lest people start to wonder about me and my oh so faulty taste in men.

Of course I want the tall guy who doesn't have a clue I exist, it's like my life long torture to find that aloof I-don't-know-if-I-like-you-until-I-know-you-like-ME-type irresistible. It never ends well because I need more. I need self confidence and strength and I have yet to find one guy who can give that to me and still be there at the end of they day wanting me. Because I'm a little intense and I freak people out and I can't change who I am no matter how hard I try I just dress it up respectably and turn down the volume on the bitching. In the mean time I get the hots for the quiet gamers who wouldn't notice me unless I was an animated bimbo in one of their games, and then I'd be too hot for them or some other BS excuse. There is always a BS excuse and I'd prefer just to not bother then get shot down. Cuz my workplace is scorn and ridicule friendly and I don't need any of that of my own in that department anyways.

In the mean time I got a 500 dollar POS computer part assemblage via my roommate. It appears that not only did he not read the specs for the stuff and I ended up with no video card - but he may have fried the motherboard when putting it all together and then I'll have 150 dollars on non functioning crapola sitting here and my 5 year old machine chugging along merrily not doing what I want it to and no money to upgrade it because I will be paying for the stuff I can't use at all.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:31 PM

MenTal fUrbAll