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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

03 February 2007

been around the world and i can't find my baby :
I've been thinking a lot lately (ya I know this ain't news) about how the world is and how I am in it. If you haven't been to Sass's blog go read her thoughts on common courtesy. I think she's right and I think the newer generations are only getting worse because so much is given to them they think they just deserve it, what ever it is. This whole idea of giving your kids what you never had has spoiled them to being kind,generous, compassionate souls. That's just my opinion. I'm a hard ass task master who seriously thinks working for the desired thing is the only way to get it. SO even thought I want to win the lottery and do nothing the rest of my life I'm fairly sure that isn't going to happen.

In the mean time I've been watching the people around me. The strange co dependencies, the hot and cold running friendships and the soul sucking neediness. I'm kinda happy to go it alone these days. I don't think I could anyone demanding things of me right now. That said I'm kinda tired of the shut out I'm getting from some people who seem to have decided I'm lower on the list of importance these days too. I'm not doing anything differently yet things have changed. When this happens I have to wonder what the hell it's all about. I mean Seriously, what the fuck do you want from me? If you don't talk to me and tell me what the bug is up your ass I'm not going to crawl up there looking for it myself.

I look at the people who are supposed to be happy for me, backing my plays - because we are friends after all - and they are indifferent, shutting me out or all together ignoring me. It seems funny that they would have anything to even say about my family when they are so similar. And then I have to stop. Wait a minute - did I just realise that yet again I replaced my crap family with crap people who will give me the same thing my crap family does? Am I really just finding a way to encourage the negative reinforcement I seem to really deeply believe I can't exist without. It's really sad just how easy it is to find people who will treat you however you subconsciously or consciously think you should be treated.

The thing is I'm not hot shit but I'm not a piece of shit either. I'm somewhere in between. Not King shit of turd mountain but not the lowly trots monster either. Maybe I aspire to be Mayor McShit, I'm not sure but I do really have to get over all this weirdo crap and find some middle ground where I'm not getting shut down every time I try to do something for someone because I'm their pity project and can't reciprocate generosity because that ruins their heightened status as benevolent benefactor.

So how much wrath do I want to incur by not giving a fuck about sensitivities or asking questions about this new found void of friendliness? Do I want to plebe up and kiss ass and hope I can be included again or roll with the me crowd and shun the 'cool' kids with my not giving much of a thought to the weirdness that has developed? There is the every chance this is a misunderstanding, but I really think it's a somewhat calculated plan that is being realised. There was a look yesterday, during a conversation that said it all. It said DAMN I didn't want you along but I'm going to act like I just didn't think to ask. I've seen that look before and I don't know what I did to deserve it but I'm not holding onto the looker either because I have plenty of hot and cold running friends to choose from.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:44 PM

MenTal fUrbAll