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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

11 January 2007

never understood a single thing he said but i helped him to drink his wine :
I spend my days thinking about me. I have no significant other to think of and that doesn't look to be changing anytime soon. I have no children and chances are I'll never have my own. I might get the chance to raise someone else's but that's a long way off, I can barely support myself in my selfish over comemrcialised ways. I've spent the last 2 days living without my prevacid, which always makes me wonder how I got along without it. I've been told by now professional health freaks that I don't need the pill and that there is no such thing as acid reflux. Tell that to my falming stomache, my burning throat and the constant knawing in my gut. Make sure to say that loud enough that you can convince it to stop doing what it's doing to me.

I've read a bit about acid reflux. I occassionally worry that I will get throat cancer because acid refux can cause a certain type of scar tissue that is a leading idicatior of cancer. I'm not a doctor, I haven't asked to have my throat byopsied or what ever it is they will do. Still fears are fears. I'm trying to trade in the stock and trade BS fears I live with that I live with 24/7, for new funner fears. I'm not stupid, I know I have issues. I'm even thinking of trying to get referred to a shrink so I can talk to someone who has to listen -. but I'm not sure it will help. As it is I know I'm kinda stuck on this part where I suck and I can't convince myself for long that I don't suck. Somewhere along the line I got convinced by other paople that I'm no good and I'm still looking for them to tell me I'm good. Funny thing about externatl validation -> other people tend to not give it to you because they are so busy trying to get it themselves.

I think a lot and I meet a lot of people just like me. I mean we're not twins, but at the end fo the day we have more in common then they want to admit. I spend the 'holiday' season brassed off that many people get all morally superior about themselves and their lives whwn talking to me. I often wish I was a deaf mute around this time, then I wouldn't be able to tell the stories the get me the mpst pathetic trophy for the season. I suppose I should be thankful I can be a shining example of how bad your family isn't. After all my family stopped talking to me for over a month so as not to have to invite me to Christmas, then emailed me to bitch me out for not calling. A week later appologised for bitching me out and then a week after that hit me up for money. Ah family, nothing like the kiss ass and pick pocket to make you remember why you are going with the orphan statement.

Haven't heard from them since I said I don't have any money to 'lend'. I'm pretty sure that I would never have seen that money again. It's pretty much always that way with my family. Lend, never get it back, get bitched out for recalling that you are owed and haven't been repaid, get hit up to lend again, make the shit list for not lending, get hit up again -> it's kinda endless. I know it could be worse, I could have no family to speak of and be wishing I wasn't all alone, but even with my blood relatives I am all alone so therein lies the rub. I'm intolerant of me because my family taught me that's how I need to be treated and I can't seem to get past loathing how they don't tolerate me and not tolerating myself for who I am and MAN am I flawed. So this weeks LOVE is to get my head on straight a bit, I'm working on my mental soundtrack to get it to play a new song. My song. I have to believe I can make my life better because I need it to be better for me. I just want to be happy.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:27 PM

MenTal fUrbAll