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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

10 November 2006

i hope he never lets me down again :
It was interesting to take a space and time break yestereday. I was planning to go into work to suck up some overtime and make this next paycheque huge -> only I didn't do it. I did a whole lot fo nothing instead. I really can't say where the time went. Except for the hour at the mall getting supper and the 2 hours making supper, including adding a little grease to whatever was already burning in the oven. I got nothing but a few tv shows watched. I did a little crocheting and contemplated the meaning of idleness.

Having mt hopes dashed for me typically heralds a return to work in a blinding panic to achieve something, to prove my intrinsic value and absolute worth. I just don't care any more. I wish I did. I want to want to work like a maniac and all that, throw myself into something, anything with abandon. Work just doesn't jones me like it used to. In a way it was beyond high time for some mental and non social downtime. I got some quality me time in and I'm kinda really down with that. On the other hand it was mega creepy sitting there last night, in the middle of a double deja vu -> wondering if I didn't make the right decision the first time am I making it the next time and then realising that I never came to the deja vu place in time, I just had the same dream about that point, twice. Then wondering if that means that the turning point is extra special important or if I'm just sliding off the slope into mentally unstable already. I spent so much time wonderin that, that I totally forgot that it's about a decision. I didn't actively make any decision at all. I didn't come to any conclusions or plan squat.

Wonder how that's gonna work for me int he grand scheme of things. In my life to come, is it really so important that maybe I didn't make that life altering decision right there when that scene I'd dreamt of a twice popped up and I recognised it and felt the importance of it. Have I somehow managed to negate my entire existance by possibly failing to make the the single most important decision I've had to make yet? We'll see.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:59 AM

MenTal fUrbAll