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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

02 November 2006

baby life's what you make it can't escape it :
In the mean time, while I've been gone, I hope you've been enjoying other things. As usualy I've been mining my own mind and I realised how I tend to shut myself of and switch directions endlessly. It's simple really. I lose interests easily. If something is too hard I stop doing it. If someone shuts me down in the least I walk away forever. It's not that I'm a quitter really. I'm insecure with who I am so if I try for something and meet any resistance I lose hope and freak out and feel badly. I guess I'm rationalising giving up aren't I?

I can't complain too much about my life. I'm alone a lot. It's better that way because people, being people, tend to be hurtful. Not intentionally, but sometimes even on purpose. What with an uncaring mom, abusive dad and spiteful sister -> I grew up and into the victim role well. Somethings are hard to get over or around. Maybe it's hard to give up. I just know that I go looking for friendship and fun and I tend to find the opposite. Some of it is me hiding inside myslef terrified to even say hello to someone. I have to force myself and it's always so shocking when the world doesn't end. It's really apparent my social phobias are internal and debilitating about 20 percent of the time. In some ways I've managed to circumvent them totally and I don't know how. In other ways they take me over completely and wrack me with this stifling depression over how totally crap I am.

It's winter, the tea time of my total mental melt down has arrived. I usually feel like a sordid kind of hell only over Christmas, while others regale me with the endless tales of happy families and good relationships. I have a laundry list of the dark side of life and thing gone horribly worng. And I dwell on it. I brood. I try to figure out how to atone and the thing is, it's all about things I think I may have possibly somehow done wrong. The curse of the responsible pleasing person. So how do I fix it??

It hit me the other night -> fuck fixing it. I probably say this every year, but right now I'm totally determined to leave the giant flaming issues of the past steaming there in the middle end of 2006. Yea I'm sick of myself again. I never learned how to cope. Never had anyone to talk to or rely on and in many ways I believe I never will, despite all evidence to the contrary. That's the rub. While I sit and wallow I devalue all the people that do and have cared. I negate all that I am given and do have because I focus only on the things I didn't get and don't have and managed to drop the ball on. Yea I suck, but who doesn't. I'm going to kick my neuroses one at a time and be happy about it. Or at least act happy about it because it feels so much better than wallowing. It really does.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:44 PM

MenTal fUrbAll