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From the ghost land of the easy life.

17 October 2006

we'll find a place in time a place in time to call our home :
I know I'm not a regular poster anymore. The less i post the less people read. Or maybe I'm just finding my real stats now. It doesn't stop me and I don't think 0 readers would even hurt my feelings at this point. I'm awash wondering why it seems that things are the way they are.

I know so many people who do not celebrate life. They are afraid of living, dying, getting older. I have fear, fear made foolish and simple by the sheer number of reasons it should not be a fear I succumb too. Fear is fear and it hones regret. I'm a pusher though, I push myself to move on and go around and do what I need to do. Sometimes I do it in slow motion. I read this and started wondering about my fear. I don't like to be told no. I don't want to ask the hot/flirt guy out because I don't want things to change. I like taklking to hime, I like learning about him, I like the flirting. And if I ask him out and it scares him off I could lose all that. I don't have that many friends that I can lose the ones I have.

It's a silly, baselless fear. He's been talking to me this long, worse that would happen is that we stop talking. I have plenty of other people to talk to. But it would kill the fantasy. The fantasy that someone is interested in me. Why is that a fantasy? Mostly because I do not notice when someone is interested. They don't tell me, if someone doesn't tell me I have no idea. Because I live in a bubble, a bubble where everyone is my friend and it takes a big gesture to make a dent. No gesture = no clue with me.

It's not so much that I think I'm unworthy, uninsteresting, unloveable anymore. I know none of that is true. It's a lesson I let my friends teach me. It's a lesson I took a long time to learn. But now that I'm having grown up moments I'm realizing that the things I was told to want don't matter. I have to give that up and start building my family. I may never have one any other way. I may never get my happily ever after but I will have love. The love of my friends, if not my biological (pathological)family.

Everyone is flawed, has fears, dreams, desires. Everyone out there feels alone and hurts for the loss of something. I want to hug you all and let you know it's going to be ok. There is a reason for you being here, something to learn and take away from that fear and agony you are going through. You may never be able to see it, it may never become clear, but in the bigger picture of your life it will be there finishing the shot. I can't help the people I am caring for from afar, but I can send this message out.

Someone cares. Someone knows and understands. You are going to be alright.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:21 AM

MenTal fUrbAll