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From the ghost land of the easy life.

13 October 2006

sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me :
In the days when it's cold I become lyrical and know I'm under appreciated. I give a lot, and sometimes it takes a lot for me to come out of my self and smile and talk. I live on sugar to fuel my hyper activity so I can be out there and talk to everyone and be friendly. When things are good and I'm out there and being in hte world and living and happy I forget about the inside of my head. I forget where the quiet is and where the alone is and I walk away from the path that leads to eloquence and blistering insight and revealations galore. I do it as a great compromise, because I'm a different person when I'm all in and really writing and I don't want to be that lonely. Locked inside my head with the mystery and poetry and ideas I'm so far away from reality and I don't want to come back. I can't be in both places and the other one is sucking me back.

It's creeping into my thoughts and dreams and it's making it hard to think in straight lines and plan things I want to do. I want to lie in my squishy bed and dream about how wonderful all my life would be if I could visualize it into reality. I doubt vizualization is a viable way to motivate myself because in the best case scenario it's day dreaming and in the worst cse scenario it's living outside of the actualality of reality. It keeps me from seizing the opportunity to offer cute/hot work guy dinner because I'm worried it'll set a bad trend and he'll be just like any other loser I ever had the misfortune to actually eat food with in a date esque fashion. In a way it's true, because he's a man and I only date men, so in that vague way he is exactly the same as everyone else I've dated.

But I'm fixated. Captured. I can't wait for the next email. I get excited I got added to the chat feature. I'm completely projecting the ides he likes me in the possible date way and yet I go no further then that. I don't dream of fairytale anythings. I actively change my thoughts away from him to limit expectations because this time it is going to be different, and so far it is. But do I know what 'it' is? Nuh uh. And I'm not asking either. I've been there and done the massively impatient, scary girl with pressuring questions and built in expectations before. Right now I'm trying my best to be the go with it girl, and it's so unfamiliar and foreign that I'm preipherally scared to death. But that's out there, not in here with me like I can feel it and breathe it and live it, it's something I'm wearing that I want to shrug off but it keeps tripping me up.

I don't want to be stupid and unlucky again. I don't mind getting hurt as long it's not futilely or embarassingly. I know you gotta flop around a long time to find the real gold at the end of the rainbow, and sometimes the gold is just an illusion -> but I am a romantic and I so believe there is someone out there. Did I find him? Did he find me? Is there a hope in hell I won't grow up to be the crazy snake lady with an errant cat? We'll see what the erstwhile fates have in store for me. So far I'm just one wild shift trade away from working 8 days in a row straight.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:54 PM

MenTal fUrbAll