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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

12 October 2006

i'll give a little bit i'll give a little bit of my life for you :
At any given time these days I'm conflicted. I know I'm judgemental and I still do it regardless of what it does to me karmically. I'm stuck in an internal drama that has the regular part of me fighting the neurotic part in a battle of defeated logic and stillted views. I can't make up mt mind as to waht I want, I take chances I'm sure will burn painfully only to end up all smiles. I walk with the devil and call him friend, because for the time he is. All the while knowing he wil turn on me. Even as I beat myself up ove things I have the lack of will power to control, I regret the acts for the merest breadth of a second an move on.

I'm still suspicious that my blog is being read by people in the house. Why? Odd questions that have no reason to be asked. Patently bad investigations going on and I don't really care if they do read it. After all you can't really expect to talk behind people's backs with out it getting to their fronts eventually. They don't call it a bad habit because talking trash about people you know makes them love you and want to be your BFF. Well maybe if they look for that in someone it does, but generally I like straight up people who aren't massively passive aggressive. The level of avoidance in this house is exhausting, good thing I'm around mostly when everyone else isn't. No sense in dealng with other people's drama unless you sign up for it and I like mine serialized.

I think the bulk of my problem is that I think at all. I over think, analise and fret. I say I want things to unfold but I'm impatient and feel undeserving because I'm so unsure. It's like my hair. I really wanted it different all of a sudden, and I went drastic and it's almost completely worn off now and I've already decided that (even though my last hair change was a latent reaction to my 4th year wedding anniversary and yes I was divorced) I want my hair to be Izzy Stevens blonde now. It's still got gob patches of pink where the purple red has faded. I'm not worried that it won't come out as much as I'm worried that the hairdresser won't want to touch it with the pink that will come out and all. Or worse, that they'll try to bleach it out and fry off my hair.

I guess I'm prescious about my hair, even if it does grow back, because I'm potentially dating again. And anyone who has dated knows that guys like longer hair. I'm actually liking my longer hair so these two things work out. Generally I'm an expectations rebel, but these days some thing in me has seen expectations turn to something closer to the main stream. Sure I'm almost 36 and still punk rocking my hair. Sure I'm contemplating a piercing where the sun don't shine, since I decided against the tongue -> but hey I tend to want things for a bit then give up on it because I'm lazy and therefore what I want is unattainable. At least I know this and can accept that I am the product of my own lack of self discipline and toatl inaction. Now I have to turn that all around and make it work for me next year.

Why next year? Well it's not that I've totally given up on this year but the entire glass in my foot situation is really holding me back and won't be done with and healed until the end of the year. That means my best plan of action is get myself revved for big changes come January. I can lay the ground work now but next year is going to see the real progress and effort kick in because there will be nothing keeping me off my feet. Even if someone manages to sweep me off them at some point, I'll still be standing like I want to be, not in heavily padded shoes with a giant swollen lump making me stand and walk weird.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:43 PM

MenTal fUrbAll