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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

29 October 2006

but not being there might break your sweet heart :
I'm not suddenly living my life like I was in an airplane that nearly crashed. I have been living my life that way for quite some time. Cutting away the needless, blocking off the inroads for those who mean to hurt and offend. I am working on me and it's getting me noticed. It's also getting me to that familiar nowhere space, where I know if I rely on what I've done before (the tired and true) I'll regret the results being the same. On the other hand there is the unknown and the unknown is scary. I don't know if I'm really ready to go through that door and just find the path for me there. I need to let go of my insecurities and trust that I can find the rest of my life without them.

I know that a certain percent of communication is unsaid. I know that I'm being told that I'm cared for and carefully I'm being sized up and put off in the hopes I can wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I want to wait or push and get turned down. I know there is fear here and maybe it's fear of moving too fast, not being ready or of being hurt. What I don't know is if I should try to help the fearful cast their fears aside and move on with the future, whatever it may hold. I know I care and I want to know what the future holds. I waver on wanting the possibility only when I let the old bullshit I hear about myself well up and make me insecure. The rest of the time I know this is what needs to happen now.

I guess the real issue I have is the unknown again. I don't have a time frame. I don't know what is going to happen or how long it takes to get to where I want to be. I won't say there isn't a definite place I want to be, because there is. I have definite designs for my life and I think that all the pieces are millimetres from falling into place. Given that, even with that certainty, I know that the slightest misstep and it will fly apart in the ugliest fashion available. I think I just need a clue, a little pat on the back that says good job, keep going. Unfortunately there are no sign posts on the road up ahead. I don't like the ides of not knowing the final score for quite a while, but it seems, my new found patience is paying off.

TOP TEN

10) you are my joy - the reinderr section
9) let's get it on - matthew good band
8) knife in the country - hawksley workman
7) great indoors - john mayer
6) baby i love you (leave me the fuck alone)- the yahoos
5) fix you up - tegan and sarah
4) letting the cables sleep - bush
3) try - nelly furtado
2) call me when you're sober - evanessence
1) it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol

"It's Beginning To Get To Me"

I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
Cos I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:40 PM

MenTal fUrbAll