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From the ghost land of the easy life.

12 September 2006

the truth about cats and dogs :
I don't claim to be able to get to know people, or to know anything about them really. I'm a great watcher of people and as such, I've become good at guessing what people will do in any given situation. It's about the only valuable thing I learned to do growing up. That and lip read.

I've been wondering a lot lately about my family, since the hostage negotiations started over the stuff they volunteered to keep for me. I should have known better thatn to think my remaining family wouldn't turn right around and usr their act of kindness against me. As much dysfunction as I have lived through with them I should KNOW that they are just terrorists looking for an excuse to attack.

ter‧ror‧ism  /ˈtɛrəˌrɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ter-uh-riz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government.

Unfortunately for me I have a stubbornly persistant streak of seeing the good in people and believeing that my family has finally turned around and is going to be nice, honourable and kind is a fanatasy I can't stop falling in love with. It bites me in the ass everytime. I should have KNOWN better, it took a little longer this time (maybe because they're getting old) but they up and leveraged my stuff against me. I've come to the conclusion that I must cease this deliberate act of self punishment and just forget I have a family. Then it won't hurt when they don't bother to call me on my birthday or christmas. It won't bother me when I don't get asked to a family gathering like thanksgiving, only to be told how great it was and what a bitch I am for not replying to the invitation I never got. I won't feel so worhtless when I'm told I'm only invited to visit if I bring presents. It saves me a lot of money not investing too heavily in the dream I suffered through for so long in my 20's -> the dream of a happy, loving and understanding family. I totally was disabused of that dream via my EX and his family. I know part of my willingness to get married was to belong to what seemed to be a nice, caring family. I've always wanted that. I'm finally willing to give it up.

I can blame my dad for this, as his way was to punish, brutalise and beat whatever he wanted out of you. My sister learned that lesson too well and clings to threats, intimidation and violence as her favoured toys. My mother, always the victim, is living in a symbiotic state of coercive malaise with my sister. The two of them bring out the worst in each other and in me. If I have one true fear it's to be like them. I know that parts of their defeated and vicious psyche lie deep within me. You can't live with the losers so long and not learn the mantra. I stopped living it but I still know the walk, the talk and the nightmares it brings. My family, what's left of it now that Dad's dead over over 18 years now, is a joke. I often feel guilt for wishing that they would just forget about me and I long to tell people I'm an orphan. I have tried over the years to reach a peace with in myself and forgive the shit I've done and do that is hurtful, disrespectful and mean to myself and others. I know I learned to a live that life at home that was a dog eat dog competition to get the other person beaten down, locked up or humiliated.

It was a constant battle field, where you ally was your next best enemy. I've played that dynamic out so many time in my life and I finally can't stand to see it anymore. If it even seems something is going that way I go. I can evilly amuse myself at someone else's expense because I know how to push buttons and hit the sore spot, but that's not the person I am. I'm not about Anything to save yourself. Anything to lose the fear of reprisal and retaliation. Every interaction my family ever had was marred by some fight, some fit of escalation. Ours was an endurance trial of hate and loathing and when I see them it's all there again. It's the best teleportation device I am aware of. My family still has this instant ability to make me feel like I'm losing the battle and I become willing to die rather than endure the constant rhetoric of bull shit and cracked thinking that exists in the time warped vacuum my mom and sister inhabit.

I can't say that I've gotten rid of the sickness that all this suspicion and distrust bred into me. I probably will forever have that festering inside and taking me down like a lion does a slow gazelle, every time I spend time with them. Thing is I know about it, I recognise it. I can see it and control it. I have worked to make it less of totality of my life, less of a cycle, erased the soundtrack that it plays in my head. I can't say my family has tried, or even care to. If you talk to my family they seem nice and normal, but as with everything it's the familiarity breeds contempt thing that makes them hard to take. They are almost totally isolated. They share a common delusion -> that life should just give them what they want.

I've said before that I used to be very type A. I am an achiever, a doer. I accomplish things. My family will tell you I am a quitter, a failure and a loser. It's what they say to me constantly. The thing that I just realised today is that my family, as much as they seem to despise me and wish me harm -> want me to succeed. They want me to go out there and make it big. It's not that they believe in me or have any faith in my abilities, it's so that they can live off of me. They feel that they should have so much more than they do, they have a gigantic sense of entitlement, and I am constantly enlisted to help pay for these things they want. Why? Because I am the only one of them who has ever held a steady job. I'm the only high school, college and university graduate in my family (I'm not including the extended we don't even know\talk to them family). I'm the only one making any money, so I'm the Bill Gates of us. As far as they are concerned I'm also selfish and evil because I don't share my money with them.

Having lived with them, and recently enough too, I know that they need money because they don't budget. They buy frivolous stuff that is hardly used and then don't pay bills because of it. My sister bullies my mother and then my mother whines about it and bullies my sister. After a while they get sick of each other and decide to try to bully me. I really like not living anywhere near them because I don't have to constantly hear about their demented drama. I can see both sides and I can work the middle like no one's business. However, all in all, my family has only really brought me pain, sorrow and taught me the worst kind of person to be. I know I'll never be disowned as long as I have the potential to make money. If I ever make a lot of money or win the lottery I'm sure they'll be all loving me till the bank is dry, or suing me because I won't share. What a great lot of relations.

I've been thinking of dying my hair black ever since a girl at work came in with black hair. I'm dying to be goth for Christmas I guess. I had a fucked up dream last night where I was living here, but not here and I had personal hair and clothing people. They were trying to dress me for a tv appearance and dye my hair. My hair came out a deep rich hot red and the outfit was all black. I was hot, but I still don't know what I was 'doing' that warranted all the fuss and tv coverage. Maybe I'll go dark red, as a compromise on the needing a hair change.

Keep bloggign :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:17 PM

MenTal fUrbAll