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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

27 August 2006

you were naked, you were shamed :
I've been sporadic lately I know, I've been busy being selfish and self absorbed. Mostly I've been thinking how I hate dating. All dating does is make me believe the world is full of liars all out to get what they want from whom ever they can dupe. I'm not interested in being duped. I'm not even interested in trying to figure out how I am lying to people. If everyone does it I must be lying too. I think I know how I lie. I lie by saying to myself and everyone that I don't care. I do care though. It bothers me that I'm letting a friendship slip away because the friends in question couldn't be bothered to help me out when I needed it. I always find a way to get into lopsided relationships, where I have power because I am either giving things like food, money, entertainment or I am with holding those things.

I've never thought of myself as a power player before but I've noticed that what I was previously seeing as altruism on my part, helping my friends by feeding or getting alcohol or taking them somewhere - it's jsut buying company. In most cases the people I chose to patronise (yea isn't that a hoot for a charitable word?) are non recyprocating. Sure they say they'll buy next time but next time comes and they are broke and I'm buying again. I end up feeling used and taken advantage of. Ironic because I establish the precendent myself. No one is forcing me to buy anyone else anything, I just don't see the need to be cheap if I can afford it I should share. Funnily enough it's kind of guilt inducing to have someone else buy me something if I have the money or not. I think I've reached aplace where I can look at that internal contradiction for what it is.

So after all these years I've realised that not only do I make other more important than me in everyway I do it financially too. I'm not giving away my money to my loser ex to support his myriad of dependencies anymore, instead I'm giving it awayt to make being alone ok. I give it to stores so I can while away my empty hours with DVD's and puzzles. I give it to unfortunate folks hoping that will make them like me and be my friend so I have somewhere to go on a Saturday night, someone to talk to on the phone. None of that gives me any real peace of mind. None of it is making the kind of relationships that get you real connections, understanding and help.

I'm not saying I don't have friends, because I do. I've lost far more 'friends' thatn I care to count and I am reather ruthless about cutting people out of my life when I feel it's necessary. Lately I'm finind it necessary to just sit back and contemplate my navel. Seriously. I need to look into that little hole and figure out how I'm going to erase all the crap in my head that has me running around trying to impress people who don't give a shit about me for no reason other than to feel important. I need to find a way to make my self understand that I am important all by myself. Even if no one ever notices me, laughs at a joke I make or ever reads this blog. I matter and I make a small difference in the world. Yes it's raining today, I always get a bit downer postish when it rains.

Mental Playlist:

10) chasing cars -snow patrol
9) blue velvet - bobby vinton
8) the messenger - the tea party
7) it doesn't matter - alison krause
6) hate me - blue october
5) rearview mirror - pearl jam
4) bad medicine - bon jovi
3) crying in the rain - aha
2) ordinary -train
1) i alone - live

"I Alone"

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!

it's easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
we long to be here by his resolve
alone in the church by and by
to cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself chained to fate

oh, now, we took it back too far,
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn
all come runnin' back to you,
all these rhythms that you hide
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 3:04 PM

MenTal fUrbAll