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From the ghost land of the easy life.

19 June 2006

whatever you're looking for don't come around here no more :
Someone once told me you can't go back. Things are never the same. There was a vey funny and kind of cruel Sex and the City episode where they talked about taking your fuck buddy and trying to make a dateable person out of them. It doesn't really work. Not for the guy or the girl. It's a window of opportunity thing. If you see a window of opportunity coming and jump to take it - and it falls short => can you go back and try something else or do you just move on?

I tried being a playa for a year. I managed to pull off a few one nighters with guys whose names I don't know now. I never intentionally saw any of them again. All of them wanted to see me again. I couldn't figure out a good enough reason to or not to see them again. I've done the serious settle down relationship with someone, and things roll along and then things change and fall apart. The faster you go to bed the faster you hit that wall where you find out what the other person is really like. I seem to keep ending up with people who don't value my personhood as much as my womanhood.

Thing is after you go down the sex trail can you go back down the friends path or revert back to dating? I've never stayed friends with an ex or a fling. There's no point. When I'm done I'm done. No reminders, no regrets and no more hanging about trying to get freebies without attachments. I know guys think sex = girls fall in love. I don't. It takes way more than that to get my heart. The promise of sex will cause me to forgo shit I will later get pissed about => and that's the trap. I need to be upfront. I need to say that x,y,z doesn't cut it. I want open honest total communication. If pulling words outta you is like pulling clothes off a dead man - I'm going to get bored fast. Bored is the killer. Bored = interest lost. I can't get it back. Mostly because people you hang with are supposed to be fun and if they bore you, well how fun is that?

I seem to somehow get what I thought I was looking for, only to discover it's so not what I wanted or really what I need. It doesn't matter if we move slow or fast. It always seems to be that the person I start with isn't the one I end up with. When the good behaviour fades away I'm always wondering where it went. Of course I am a mirror. I tend to act towards others how they act towards me. If you are closed up and with holding I do the same to you. If you are funny and easy going I am too. I am a horrible imitator - because I know people like to see themselves reflected. It's why I'm a good people person. Even though I spend time reflecting, I don't use that to hide who I am. I am there living and breathing and participating and noticing. Still some men never really see me. Maybe I'm too good at reflecting pars of themselves at first, that they get confused when I'm not exactly what they thought I was to start with.

Of course there is my problem with authority. Every guy I know tells me not to cut my hair and it always makes me want a haircut more than anything else I've ever wanted. Some guys have a tonne of rules. Some are all about the play, some are all about the pristine. Some want a dirty little secret. I've been all those things and more. I don't mind if I know straight off what's up. I'm done with the secret shit though. My glorious bit on the side shingle has been burned. What do I really want? Someone who can appreciate who I am, not spend forever telling me who they think I am.

The problem with being a doer is that who I am gets lost in what they expect - cuz I can move too fast/too slow and I follow the rules set out for me which, the guys don't follow themselves. The problem with me is I do what I say and say what I mean, truth is my ally. It makes it hard for people who are skimming the surface to come back and put words in my mouth, because I know what I said. I am almost scripted in some areas so I KNOW what I did and didn't say. Still there are always people who think they know better than you. There are always people willing to tell you a lie to ease their own pain.

In the end I think everyone is well used no matter how badly the cookie crumbles. No matter how weird the relationship everyone gets something out of it. Whether it's exorcising or exercising their demons. Some people will go out and find a bad date just to prove that they have bad luck. Some people go out looking to get used, looking for love, looking for sex and don't find it. I go out and be me. Sometimes it works and I catch eyes and imaginations. Somehow I find that that first impression is the first to get lost and good people become spiteful and mean. I'm not sure of that's because of the good behaviour rule, where most people are just different until they get comfortable with you - or if people are so convinced they are unworthy that they front until they can't front no more.

I fear when people tell me I've changed. I haven't. I may have been holding back, trying to be nice and not scary. I am always myself, even if I turn it down from 11 sometimes. Sometimes you have to close down to deal with the belittling some people hand out as a part of their establishing superiority. I'd rather rip their heads off and shove it up their ass, but there's a time and a place for that and sometimes it just isn't worth starting a battle with an unarmed person y'know. Some pissing contests are more fun. I will always get into a battle of knowledge before opinion. I have lots of knowledge.

So while I make my way paving some relationships over and planting new ones I always wonder how much of me matters to the other person. How much of me do they value and know? Some people are fair weathered friends and will only be around when they want something, some are great talkers with lousy follow through and then there are those who back you up when the chips are down and will party with you at Mcd"s playland if you want to. Which kind are you?

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:13 AM

MenTal fUrbAll