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From the ghost land of the easy life.

08 June 2006

that's why i've done it again :
I'm kinda tired and thinking a lot about Sass's post today. I know I'm pretty sensitive to myself, but perhaps I am not as sensitive to others as I need be. I know it hurts when I run head long into someone else's walls and I wonder if it hurts them the same way when they run into mine. I wonder about a lot of things. But mostly I wonder if I'm projecting things. They say you get back what you put out and if that is true am I getting back what I'm putting out? If I am does that mean it's only a matter of time before everything goes bad. Cuz when I can't be good I'm bad :) I worry a lot that some bad thing I'm thinking or doing or saying is somehow going to butterfly effect me out of any good things coming my way. I'm overly aware I could be fucking things up just by being me. As trust issues go not trusting myself often comes in at number 1.

I have a medium history. I won't say long because I'm not sure it is. I do know it's not pretty but mostly I can sum up saying people leave me and I leave people. My history is one of people walking away. In a way I'm always waiting for the day someone just won't be there anymore. I'm fairly sure I'm going to flip the switch that will turn someone off every second I am talking. It's always there in my head - did I just do/say/ask/type/look/breathe/be the wrong way? Do they hate me now?? I'm not all that self assured. I guess I fake it real good.

At some point there will be tension, strife, a problem that will either go by or cause some sort of bump in the road of any interpersonal relationship. Be you friends or lovers, you have to watch how those bumps are navigated. I hate being ignores and I don't like authority much. I'm kinda used to doing my own thing so I tend to have some far out wacky ideas and my closest friends roll with them and those getting to know me fear them. Oh I know it may be easier just to let me have my way. I don't just pout, I sulk out loud. I'm beginning to think I was an only child in some past life and all that petulance has sopped through to this life and is my karmic burden to live down. The excuse I'm part of the McNow generation doesn't quite cut it, but you know what I mean right - I'm just trying to get what I want however I can.

Do I have a right to let what I want infringe on other's rights to what they want? Am I more important? Well I want to be, but doesn't everyone? That's the rub. How do you let people be important without feeling like that is giving up all the power? I'm really type A, take charge, be the ball, JUST DO IT. I fear roller coasters because I'm outta control on them. It's a similar loathing I carry for having my fate lie in the hands of others. I can take responsibility if I mess up, but it sucks having to take responsibility for someone else screwing the pooch when you gave them the ability to. If you give someone else control, however small - how do you gracefully suffer the consequences?

I haven't learned how to do that yet. Gracefully accept that on the road of life there will be some co captains and there will be some backseat drivers and then there will be ones who demand to take over and then the crisis begins => can I let anyone else drive?

It's not that I have no empathy. I can empathise. I can see your side. I just can't stop wanting to be in control. I think it comes from feeling so helpless and insignificant growing up. Now I'm in charge. I have a hard time not being in charge. I don't know how to turn it off. It's the most unforgiving, uncompromising, walled up/off part of myself. I really hate being in charge tho. Ah these schizophrenic conversations.

I know I'm weird. Jaded and neurotic. Panicky and sad. Happy and frenetic. I'm not perfect. I don't know I've ever met anyone who is. Some of the saddest people I know are the ones you would think are perfect. Some of the happiest seem oblivious to what we are told are defects. I'd rather roll with the sinners then die with the saints - so sayeth a slightly hipper than thou Billy Joel. All I really want is that soft place to land when the barometer spikes up or down and I go blind in one eye and get them to take pity on me and let me go home because of it, at work. I want someone to care and I'm dense so it takes some constant work to get through to me that I matter and am important. I think that's why I work so hard at scrabbling the little things together for everyone else. It's the little things that really make the difference and are the firm warm fuzzy demonstrators. It's my I care details I'm most proud of, but that are most often overlooked. Don't we all do it though? Isn't that why we don't know what we've got until it's gone?

I don't have the answers as to why the world spins this way instead of that. I don't know why we like what we do and don't. I can't say why I love tequila and only the death of an animal in a movie will make me really sad. I didn't cry at ET and I still don't. I want a scotch, a steak and a shag. Or at least a nice hug. I'm not getting any of it tonight and I'm not so sure exactly when I'll get any of it. That's the fun of being short and outta range and making moves that unscheduled against a heavily fortified bunker. Communications break down and tomorrow is another day. I think I'm penciling in a Scotch and a Steak and my dress before I have to get up at 6.30 Sunday and chat to the wonderful minions begging to be enlightened.

He he. Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:05 PM

MenTal fUrbAll