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From the ghost land of the easy life.

16 June 2006

cuz i built my life around you :
My week has sucked. Aside from having everyione want something from me, but have no time to give me in return - I've fallen, been blown off and spent 3 hours fighting with a charcoal barbeque. I kinda want to die.

I know I've been grumpy lately. I'm thinking PMS. Possibly raging PMS, but more than that I'm getting dicked around and I know it. The only ray of sunshine I've had is flirt guy, and he's been circling the drain. How come all the guys I know are like seriously ill? Flirt guy's been complaining for weeks about chest pains. They put him in the hospital all last week and again Wednesday. Turns out he's developed arythmia and they aren't sure why, or what triggers it. He's not the only sick guy I know. My married friends have colds and rockstar hair(rsh) has some form of stomache ailment. I'm far from healthy but I'm miles ahead of them.

I spent most of the day running around getting ready to see rsh. I can't say it's a worry free relationship for me because he seems to run hot and cold. I seem to be constantly managing to say the wrong thing that makes him shut down and if there's someway I can make him withdraw and go in the other direction I find it. I don't even know how. I get this sense that we meet and he's expecting something to be off so no matter what I do I flip the switch. Even if I do nothing at all. Somehow I've become the always wrong girl. I talk wrong, I think wrong, I act wrong, I look wrong, I respond wrong. I'M WRONG. It's frustrating because the rules to that game exist only in one person's head and I can't seem but to live down to the lowest expectations.

Thing is I like rsh. I'm honestly not sure how I managed to become so offensive and off putting but I've done it. And I sent a bitchy email and I vented about being ignored, and being wrong, and not getting told straight that the steak dinner I had been planning all week and bought everything for and was dying to cook (what's better than cooking for someone?) wasn't going to happen cuz he feels like 7 miles of shit. I'm a big girl I can take it straight up. Instead I get nothing. I ask, to be sure he's interested cuz he keeps saying he's sick - and I basically get told to make up my mind. I'm not the one constantly saying how bad I feel. I'm dense but not a moron, I can take the heavily flung hint. So why can't he just come out and say it? Sorry I'm just not going to be up to it, we'll do it another time k?

Not for me. Instead I get heat for having nothing to say. I say nothing because what could I say without getting berated for it? Everything I say is picking on him, or putting him down. I'm not saying anything because how nice is it for me to make him feel worse when he already feels bad? I don't get points for it though. I get minuses. I get static about the following week too. After a nifty email sounding like he wants to spend time with me it's now all maybe I'll email and maybe we'll do something else. I'm not into maybe. I'm a definite person. I make plans and follow through and I get mad and I get disappointed and I can't hide it, so I try to not say anything and always someone manages to goad a response. Cuz I like to be open and honest and I hate bottling this crippling shit up, goading a response isn't too hard cuz keeping it inside feels like lying.

We don't really talk to each other. It's killing me, but we don't. I'm not sure he really wants to talk to me and, worse still - he's doing a really good job of finding every way to shut me down and shut me out. I'm really a nice person and I'm so capable of the warm fuzzies and yet it seems that he doesn't believe that because no matter what I try he doesn't see it. If he does, he manages to forget about it whenever we talk or email lately. Maybe I'm making it all up. Maybe I'm wrong but it's not like I can tallk to him about it. I'm only maybe ever going to hear from him again. If this post and that email don't cause him to explode.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:15 PM

MenTal fUrbAll