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From the ghost land of the easy life.

18 May 2006

when you build your house i'll come by :
I didn't go and do anything today. I'm going to go to work and then come home and go to bed. Maybe IM a little, but then really go to bed so I can get up kinda early and run around and do stuff. I feel bad for not going today, but I was dreaming my dreams. It was sparked by something I read at freewillastrology.com. I was thinking about it as I went to sleep and viola => dreams ensue. I won't say exactly what I was thinking about but it's partially under the heading of things I want and things I don't understand. In respect, I have limited knowledge of more than a few things, but my perennial mystery of the sphinx would be men. It seems no matter how many you know there's still no way to understand what they are doing, why they say certain things - or how and if to take them seriously.

There's a guy at work, grandpa (for the endless string of grandkid pics), and he's trying to father me. He's all up in my space telling me men are pigs and to be careful cuz they eat little girls like me for breakfast. He. He thinks I'm 12. I told him I KNOW men are pigs, and I kinda like that about them. It was like I slapped him. Oops, I did it again - manhandled someone who was trying to have my back. Anyhow he forgave me, but I know he's wondering what I'm thinking. And there it is - the communication break down. Why is it so hard to understand each other when we are all speaking the same language. And I'm not even meaning just men and women => people can't seem to communicate in any worthwhile ways. We lose patients (not a virtue I have) and get scared and stop trying. Some of us are shy, some of us are self absorbed, and some of us need a script to work from because left alone it's nonsense.

Being in tech support I see all of this a lot. I have to talk to people and try to get to the heart of the problem. I have to then help them fix it. It's not easy. I scared someone off the phone last night because she just had no clue what I was talking about. I got her timid daughter instead. I wasn't the harpy she beast or anything but it wasn't HARD what I was asking and the person I started with bolted and ran. I think it's synonymous with my frustrations in general. I'm kinda blunt and I kinda just say stuff and I don't know a lot of people that do that. I don't know a lot of girls who'd tell ANY guy that chest pains are caused by their bra being too tight, repeatedly. That's me, stuff just flies out. I've been told before that I'm all innuendo and suggestion and I think it's partly that people have dirty minds.

Not that I don't have a dirty mind. If I believe the stereo types I'm a man. I think about sex like all the time. I have a roving eye, and a vivid imagination. You can look at me and not guess what I'm thinking, and it's probably a good thing because I'm pornographic - Playboy is not. So the other day when flirt guy looks at me and says 'did you just fluff that guy' I wasn't thinking what he meant. First off I was thinking I can't fluff someone over the phone and then I thought if I did this would be a 900 number and you're so not going to be hired there (him not me) and then I thought YOU DID NOT JUST ASK ME IF I'M A FLUFFER. And then he asked if I just fluffed the customer off. Suddenly we were speaking the same language. Suddenly I was wondering if the first part was my Freudian mental slip or his verbal slip. Cuz we flirt. And he stares and lately he's really keen on knowing when I'll be at work. And I HAVE A DIRTY MIND. But I have that all the time. I think I was blushing a bit. So now we're even.

Thing is he's so easy to talk to but the winning horse in the trying to get a date category would be the I make him nervous guy. He gets his spine on once or twice a month and makes a fly by. It's kinda funny, cuz he's a meh guy. Nothing really there but I wouldn't say no cuz I don't know him, there could be something there. He doesn't pop. I don't know how guys define date worthiness but I'd hang out with the devil, if there was some good times to be had. I like to meet people and learn about them and some people make that easy. Some people make it like pulling teeth and I bore with a challenge. So when I look to the world and see all the possibilities and wonder why I'm hanging solo most of the time, I kind a think it's my dirty mind. It holds me back because I don't want to be known as the girl with the not purest intentions (aren't we supposed to be sought after?). SLUT was never a name I wanted to make for myself, just because I am in my mind, and really WHO isn't? Doesn't make me want to go out there and try for the title of office whore or anything. Cuz in reality what I say most of the time is just this side of a harassment suit anyways, and that's idle chatter with my friends. So you see why, when the chips are down, I kinda like a guy to make the move; cuz then I know I'm not reading into things, or somehow caught in a scenario in my head. I know there really is a play in motion and not something I'm thinking could be going on. Cuz I have a VIVID imagination. I can go places with a few words that no one else can get to with a Sherpa guide and GPS satellite tracking.

Of course all of this blather was brought to you courtesy of freewillastrology.com. The 4 guys at work who flirt with me. Okcupid, my IM and the overwraught brain of doom :) In the meantime I'm going to contemplate the worthiness of cute clothes I can't wear at work, cuz I work in a meat freezer (I HATE air conditioning) and have no one to wear them for and therfor impress with. Cuz my married friends don't care and I can't look at myself that much => I'm afraid of developing narcisissim (?) and I'm just not that in love with people who STARE as I walk by. I get kinda peeved, which makes me look like the angry tattoed girl (and yes they always stareat mt tats, guys set there from the rack). So I like to keep that to a minimum, and I'd prefer to have a few compliments to go with before I subject myself to the general staring populace I guess. That said, I'll shop anyways, but in moderation. Mostly for frosted mini wheats and a nice skirt. A BAD/Good girl needs a skirt right? Now I'm going to turn off the slow sad music and put on something to pump me up or I'll flatline before work.

Keep blogging.

PS Technorati is bs, it says only 8 places link to me but there are more than that. What gives?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:53 AM

MenTal fUrbAll