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From the ghost land of the easy life.

15 May 2006

the silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload :
The cat came to visit today. I like the cat, he occassionally likes me. He climbed into - INTO - my dresser and tried to go to sleep. I pulled him out so he got disgruntled and left. So goes my Monday so far.

I don't like Mondays. It goes beyond the Garfield cartoon reasoning of Mondays being a piano coming out of nowhere and killing you for no reason on Monday. I was born on a Monday and it's been trying to kill me ever since. It may just be my inhernet bad things are gonna happen paranoia => but Murphy brings the laws down on my ass ever Monday. Seemingly enough today's a nice enough grey day with little/no rain. Just overcast goodness that will be actual sun by the time I'm at work.

Some guy at work wants me to trade him for later shifts. I'm not sure I want to start at 3 and finish at 11.30. I'm not sure I want to be nice, since it's easy to come by and ask me for a favour when you know you'de NEVER do it for me. He wants to work at the AM. Like a regular Joe. I already know I'm not normal. I don't have any heart attacks/strokes or random chest painy goodness in my life (as per yesterday) so I'm already the a-typical call centre geek. Thing is people see me coming and want to take advantage of my niceness, as long as it benefits them in some way. Kinda tired of it cuz I don't understand. Why do the people who are no good know I can be taken advantage of, and the people who are good fear me?

Ah I'm too karma stupid for my own good. In the mean time I've been reading blogs. Interesting things to see on Sass and Elle's blogs. They're in the blogroll. To continue in my own vein about Sass's thoughts - There are things I don't say here on the blog. Cuz I imagine that somehow somewhere someone who shouldn't will read it and get pissed. In the meantime I feel stifled and moronic. My Ma and sister know I have a blog. They think it's stupid and don't want to read it. My Ex doesn't know. Most of my friends do and aren't interested in reading it at all either. I think if they did read it and I knew it'd be weird. But thing is I don't think people have a right to get pissed about the feelings or thoughts you may have randomly and put down in the blog. I know I may be stupid and say shit carelessly in person, and I have to live with that - but technically reading any of that here or in my journal is like reading my mind. Since I can't honestly say I like myself ALL THE TIME, I can pretty much guarantee there are going to be points where I'm not crazy about you. People are funny that way. You say a random thing with no idea, no purpose and it'll hit them and have an effect regardless of what was intended. People don't tell you if you make them mad, or they don't understand or can't figure out what is going on. People by and large don't ask questions, they make assumptions and take it personally and get twisted and it builds up and things go bad, or good, depending on how it goes and rolls into the piles of their mental decisions.

Thing is it's not like I'm easily offended. It's not like I'm not easily offended. I'm not a real mind reader but I'm psychic given the right circumstances. I have no problem making friends and yet no idea if the friends I've decided on even think of me as a friend. I get weird vibes from people and I I don't ask. Because being the questioning person makes me scary, anomalous and forgein. I can stick out enough on my own. People tell me things, but they don't do that because they want to be friends. They don't do that because they have any real interest in me or my life. I don't know much about guys - or how to tell if they'll get off the fence and make a move. I know when they're watching tho. It's hard to miss that. I get the rack stare a lot. I know when a guy watches me walk away. I know my knowing makes them nervous. I don't know why. Maybe I have a shark like appearance. Maybe it's because some of them are young, 8 years or more - and that's got me thinking too. But nothing needs to be said. I just want to see how it all plays out. I want to see if there really is a guy out there who can ask a girl out. Seriously it's never really happened to me. Where I got asked out. I always do the asking. I just get tired of waiting - patience isn't a virtue I have.

But this Monday I've got resolve. To play all the guy games. To see how far the swivelling neck takes me. To blog fearlessly about the things I want to say. To be me. Cuz Monday's trying to kill me, so I might as well put my best foot forward.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:36 AM

MenTal fUrbAll