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From the ghost land of the easy life.

12 May 2006

i'm a never was trying to be a has been has been on the come back trail :
I've been all over town today and even though I'm thinking of staying home now that it's 6.28 and I've no hope of getting to the Mayfair before 7. I still wanna go out. I want to go do something more exciting than think about how the rain makes me feel like my brains turned off. I can't really care when i't grey outside, which gives me a great break from the noise in my head - but I kinda need the noise. I kind of need a distraction, someone at least - to drink weird mixed drinks with and sing karaoke. I need to be doing anyhting but actually adding up the time I spent with my EX

I got my marriage certificate today. Which means I can get divorced now. I ahven't spoken to him in over a year and it seems kindo fo mena to just send him the paper work like I can't stand him. And yet I'm a bad person. I can't stand him, the very thought of him makes my skin crawl and I feel like the most awful person because of that. I made the mistakes that led to what I got into and, though I didn't make him do any of what he did or does, I did let all of that warp me into this person that I couldn't stand. I HATE that. I never want to see that woman again, and yet even speaking to him conjures her from the dead like it's some kind of evil fairytale spell. Our combined 2.5 years together left me physically ill, menatlly exhausted and wanting the world to end.

Now, I'm not in that place anymore. I remember it and I don't need to revist it to know why I left. I was thinking how much energy I wasted just wishing and hoping he would return to being the man I met and all that. All the times I still wish he'd just get help so we could talk at least. It's weird because people talk about forgiveness and all but I don't know if I can forgive him for seeing that I needed to really be broken down. That sounds odd I know. But I spend most of my time in the future, planning out how J is going to go and letting a-b-c-d-e-f etc. alone to work out and happen on their own => because they were J days, weeks, months or years ago. I don't allow myself the time to be and appreciate and love the now. I was running away from the past and all I had let get me down and in the end I managed to find all of the things I never wanted to deal with all wrapped up in my EX.

I know there were al ot of good times. I know we really were friends. I know he can actually say he's sorry and sound like he means it enough for me to believe it. And I can forgive him. BUT I can't forgive me. In the long list of things I'm willing to take and have been forced to be responsible for, my greatest defeat is being responsible for the bad ME I was after being with him. I changed too and that fed his changes and we were one horrid vicious cycle. The wiorst parts of domestic life, we visited them to each other. And seemingly he's moved on and I'm still wondering how and why it went to shit. Because I don't ever want to find myself there again. Not with him or any other man. If I somehow made all of the moves the brought me to the place where I ended up then, how can I be sure I won't do it again? I was sure it would never happen then. I was totally sure I had it made, that I'd escaped the statistic that is my life. But I was just another digit in the final number it seems.

In the end I'll get my shit together and take the marriage certificate and that down and file my divorce petiton. I want to be divorced more than anything. I never thought I'd ever get married. I'm not against marriage. I'd do it again and not think too hard about it. I don't think I'll ever get the chance again. If my track record and thought here about my dating prospects don't clue you in +> I'm not a big dater. I'm beyond gun shy and somehow I'm not sure there's a hollywood ending written for me. So I'm trying not to be lue, drinking blueberry and pomegranate juice and thinking it'd be good with some vodka or creme de cacoa or both. And really wishing someone would call and say let's go play pool. But I have no friend in town who'd do that and I have no one to call to ask. I'm a little tired of wallowing. I'm always going to be screwed up over guys, that's what I should put on my business card. Not going to keep me from living life.

I got a free movie pass, so I may truck my ass down to the World Exchange and go see Thank You for Smoking. I was thinking about seeing Poseidon, but it's NO PASSES at South Keys, and I'm not sure I want to go out to Silver City. I knda feel like a steak though and I don't know a good place in town to get one anymore. Can anyone tell me why it's so hard to make friends? I remember it used to be easy. Maybe I need to stop singing to myself in public, but really it's a unique quality that'll help you pick me outta crowd. SO until I get a real posse I'll probably be here drinking and driving on NFS Most Wanted. Eating some wings and chips and wishing and hoping, cuz I'm trying to be in the now but every now and then I gotta dream.

Keep blogging.

And thanks, Lins - for the post card.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:40 PM

MenTal fUrbAll