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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

03 May 2006

how can Ii try to tell you what i want you to know :
I've hit the bottomless introspection that seems to bludgeon me everytime I start hanging with those who 'have it all'. I'm not much of the sort that ever fit in, I'm too self conscious from years of being the hated fat girl and or brainiac. After my EX I'm like totally devoid of self esteem. Enough so that I find myself waffling on the easiest things and giving up on even the most harmless of interests because I see no point. I'm not worthy, at least I can't seem to find any kind of outward sources agreeing with me that I am. AND without that little bit of back up I've gone and fallen into a semi pit of despair.

Since I actually noticed this the other day, it's not full on despair. I think I just got the anti-life blues. I was actually listening to myself talk about me to someone else and I realised I had nothing good to say and I can't figure out why. Why is it all that comes out of my mouth seems to be some version of bad things told to me over the years=> like I'm all set up to warn people with what I've been told is my problem instead of being all smart and letting them decide for themselves :) So I said to myself yesterday - get the fuck over it. The only thing you really need to do is stay alive and try not to kill anyone else, and you're golden. All these things you want will happen, you know it just takes luck and a blind eye.

Thing is nothing ever seems to roll my way visibly til I actually give up on it. I didn't see flirt guy for over a week. I decided that I didn't care if I ever saw him again and there he is yesterday. I don't care about my job, I'm so bored, and I couldn't be doing better at it. I've lost the ability to lie and I'm actually enjoying the role as the scary guy that one guy at work can't talk to. I'm slipping to the darkside and I'm finding it warm and cozy. I don't want to slip into the mean single world. The bitter old maid thing was never something I relished and I'm so feeling it these days, I'm just a step away from dressing like the chick on the card. I know it's because I'm unsatisfied. It's because I come home to and wake up with the tv and, well, tv isn't a girls best friend. I have no one to really talk to and even though all my free time has been going to my married friends and hanging out, they don't understand. They've been a couple like 13 years. Single isn't something they can wrap their heads around.

Aside from that I've been clawing my way out from under my black cloud, in time for more actual rain. I'm of the oppinion we need more sun and less grey. I never really cred before but I kinda like the btightness when I' stuck in mental shades of grey. I'm just trying to get myself back up to snuff, in the I'm ok and hit me with yer best shot modes. I'm sure by Friday (since I got my ring money) I'll be right as rain. I'm getting my hair done, I'm gonna have a meal at the Highlander (oggle Liam Neeson maybe) and then catch up with my married friends so we can get plastered on cinqo de mayo. Then I work for 6 straight days and get 2 days off. I'm loathing schedulers in all their forms lately because they're just fucking with me and I'd like to slap them silly for even thinking it's a good idea. It doesn't much matter to me that they don't know me personally or anything, I still want to fly to India and tear a strip off someone. It's more for the trip then the strip though, a vaction is most needed I think. Because I'm just a little ball of don't wanna be here.

I'm just on bad person away from crawling back into bed and becaoming a shut in. Which, apparently the universe knows so it's been throwing me a bone lately. Flirt guy is back, the people are semi sane and mostly able tof floolw directions and my roommates have been non existant. Actually I'm being kinda paranoid since I was here on Sunday with my married girl friend, neither Kid N or Kid E will talk to me or even be in the same place with em. I'm pretty much convincrd that they have decided I'm gay and can't deal with it. Why gay? WEll because I wasn't home the night before then I show up here with a girl and these guys are so lame as to connect the dots that way. I'll know when Kid M gets back, because he's all about the sexual - so he'll have to ask. I'm not gay, it just seems that way when a girl can't get a date.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:23 AM

MenTal fUrbAll