<!-- --><style type="text/css">@import url(https://www.blogger.com/static/v1/v-css/navbar/3334278262-classic.css); div.b-mobile {display:none;} </style> </head> <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d13240712\x26blogName\x3dMenTal+fUrbAll\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dSILVER\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://amber7211.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d7038441246555938682', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script> Today's Honoured Guest

my peeps The Boys

RaJ
Tayster
factory_peasant
Surfer Mitch

Scared Bunny
Jake
Hof

my peeps The Girls

Sass
Steff
Crystal

Lyvvie
Cate
OEN
--spared--

Rachel
bitchy

Pajiba
Dlisted
Janet Charlton
MPH
Go Fug Yourself

the pretty pictures

Tristan Roy
Owen Billcliffe
No Traces
Sam Javanrouh

the professionals blog

Radiohead
Matthew Good
Margaret Cho
Rick Mercer
Tony Pierce
Whil Wheaton
Waiter

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

11 May 2006

does anybody wonder? anybody care? :
I'm a little gone crazy. I've got spring fever and a man in mind. I'm wearing myself out being proactive. I really have to learn how to let things happen, cuz usually what I make happen is bad mojo somehow and there's no heart left in me for that. I'm a little weirdo, looking for a place to happen. And some beer and some steak tomorrow => and I'm going to paint my toenails red. I'm going to do that because I stopped a long time ago. Not for any good reason though. I used to have red toenails as a girl. It didn't bother me that my Da hated it calling me hooker toes, or that pickrel fish were supposed to like red and bite it - and they were all over the lakes I swam in. It never bothered me that I was the only girl around who had blood red toenails. Everyone else was pastel and cool and pink/purple - maybe blue. It wasn't so much daring to be differnt. More it was just liking what I liked.

I'm a late bloomer, so after a fashion I moved out into the world and became a slave to the fears and expectations that were so readily available to me from everyone. Sass talks about friends on her blog. I was a blank slate for a long time, doing whatever I had to to make friends. Well, to be honest I did everythig short of sex cuz I was kinda uptight about that. I Did have a Cinderella complex and all. I still do have that complex but I've grown into the shamelessness of my existance now. I am the queen of overshare. I am getting back to what I really like.

Back when I could feign confidence I asked guys out. I always got shot down. Sometimes I got laughed at, scorned, ridiculed and more often than not I was just lied to. I'm not up for that again. I'm not looking for that kind of rejection. I don't have the desire to put myself out there that way. I should. Then I'd have my definitive answers about the guys currently circling. I am the scary girl. I am the one guys can't talk to. I am the one making it worse by taking the game to them and forcing them to make a choice. I AM THE BIG BAD :) Because I am miles ahead. I am impatient. I enjoy the dance but I enjoy just cutting to the chase and making the time to sit and talk and relate. I have no idea what is so scary about someone telling you I want to get to know you better. But in whatever flawed way I do it, I terrify.

Why am I saying all this? Because I have 2 whole days off starting 10.30 tonight and I'm staring down the barrel of being incredibly bored and toxically left to my own devices. I've been trying everything I know to make new friends. The only success, my married friends - are leaving for the weekend. I don't begrudge them that, infact I need a break from hanging with the happies. But all by myself I have no desire to go and do anything that might get me meeting and greeting people. I'm a girl and I don't like to go out alone at night when I don't HAVE to. It's just a fact of life that it's a bad idea to do that. So I languish alone when I should be hanging and grooving and funning.

I know I'm intense. I know that I'm always on fast forward. I don't know how to help myself in that regard. I don't know how to not end up seeming like the really bizarro clingy leech freind that no one wants to get stuck with. I feel that way. Mostly because people seem to take my genuine interest in them as some sort of offense. Sometimes I get the feeling that being interested in peopl is the best way to get labeled as a freak and a stalker. I've always been interested in people, I like to know all about them. I'm big on stories and so far I haven't met many story tellers. So in the end am I the weird one or are the people I'm trying to get to know the weirdos? I think it's me because I'll be making friends with just about anyone. I give all takers a chance. Now if only I could say they do the same for me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:24 AM

MenTal fUrbAll