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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

11 May 2006

does anybody wonder? anybody care? :
I'm a little gone crazy. I've got spring fever and a man in mind. I'm wearing myself out being proactive. I really have to learn how to let things happen, cuz usually what I make happen is bad mojo somehow and there's no heart left in me for that. I'm a little weirdo, looking for a place to happen. And some beer and some steak tomorrow => and I'm going to paint my toenails red. I'm going to do that because I stopped a long time ago. Not for any good reason though. I used to have red toenails as a girl. It didn't bother me that my Da hated it calling me hooker toes, or that pickrel fish were supposed to like red and bite it - and they were all over the lakes I swam in. It never bothered me that I was the only girl around who had blood red toenails. Everyone else was pastel and cool and pink/purple - maybe blue. It wasn't so much daring to be differnt. More it was just liking what I liked.

I'm a late bloomer, so after a fashion I moved out into the world and became a slave to the fears and expectations that were so readily available to me from everyone. Sass talks about friends on her blog. I was a blank slate for a long time, doing whatever I had to to make friends. Well, to be honest I did everythig short of sex cuz I was kinda uptight about that. I Did have a Cinderella complex and all. I still do have that complex but I've grown into the shamelessness of my existance now. I am the queen of overshare. I am getting back to what I really like.

Back when I could feign confidence I asked guys out. I always got shot down. Sometimes I got laughed at, scorned, ridiculed and more often than not I was just lied to. I'm not up for that again. I'm not looking for that kind of rejection. I don't have the desire to put myself out there that way. I should. Then I'd have my definitive answers about the guys currently circling. I am the scary girl. I am the one guys can't talk to. I am the one making it worse by taking the game to them and forcing them to make a choice. I AM THE BIG BAD :) Because I am miles ahead. I am impatient. I enjoy the dance but I enjoy just cutting to the chase and making the time to sit and talk and relate. I have no idea what is so scary about someone telling you I want to get to know you better. But in whatever flawed way I do it, I terrify.

Why am I saying all this? Because I have 2 whole days off starting 10.30 tonight and I'm staring down the barrel of being incredibly bored and toxically left to my own devices. I've been trying everything I know to make new friends. The only success, my married friends - are leaving for the weekend. I don't begrudge them that, infact I need a break from hanging with the happies. But all by myself I have no desire to go and do anything that might get me meeting and greeting people. I'm a girl and I don't like to go out alone at night when I don't HAVE to. It's just a fact of life that it's a bad idea to do that. So I languish alone when I should be hanging and grooving and funning.

I know I'm intense. I know that I'm always on fast forward. I don't know how to help myself in that regard. I don't know how to not end up seeming like the really bizarro clingy leech freind that no one wants to get stuck with. I feel that way. Mostly because people seem to take my genuine interest in them as some sort of offense. Sometimes I get the feeling that being interested in peopl is the best way to get labeled as a freak and a stalker. I've always been interested in people, I like to know all about them. I'm big on stories and so far I haven't met many story tellers. So in the end am I the weird one or are the people I'm trying to get to know the weirdos? I think it's me because I'll be making friends with just about anyone. I give all takers a chance. Now if only I could say they do the same for me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:24 AM

MenTal fUrbAll