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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

07 April 2006

how far is heaven :
en·tro·py n. pl. en·tro·pies

1. Symbol S For a closed thermodynamic system, a quantitative measure of the amount of thermal energy not available to do work.
2. A measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system.
3. A measure of the loss of information in a transmitted message.
4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.
5. Inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society.

I've been reading my blog roll buddies. Sassinak is sufferring from ennui and Steff is talking about passion. I agree with it all. I feel it, and then I suffer from the above. I have no ability to get up and worry about anything. I need to make some definite decisions and do some total reorganization of my meantality and I'm so totally putting it off. The only suggestion I have is from my horoscope at freewillastrology.com , that says be verbose. Oh I so have no problem with that, I have a looming problem with my phone time, again. It's going up again.

The last three days it's been ridiculously high when compared to what it was. In all fairness we're talking like a 3 minute difference, but it's not good. I don't want to obsess about it to the point where my stress gives me gut rot. I'm a stress internalizer so I usually get gut rot, then I start clenching my jaw and then the grey hairs start multiplying. Eventually I could get- eek - wrinkles. It sounds lame but it's really just another form of making myself sick. I seem to know how to do that well. The days are rolling by and I feel kind of out of control, like it's all going somewhere I need to get to, but I'm not excited about getting there. I'm wishing I KNEW what was coming.

So that guy at work, who thinks I'm gorgeous, tried to talk to me yesterday. I say tried because it goes like this => HI, back handed compliment, yammer yammer yammer, bye. He ends up saying the stupidest things. He told me I'm mean, then he told me he thinks I'm relly a nice person. He has a schizophrenic oppinion of me. And I just sit there and smile at him. And he gets flustered and forgets what he wants to say and then he can't look at me and eventually he scampers off. Gee I've really got that unattainability down, now how do you rub it off? Wish I knew that.

To the most unfortunate points of distraction, I really don't care. That guy who broke up with me via email, when we weren't dating => emailed me the other day, like 2 months later, to say he'd like to be friends but he has NO TIME. I have to understand that. I'm wondering what kind of test this is, that I have to understand ruddeness because it comes with a warning label. I can so tell you that my spidey sense talle me his other friends don't get shined on like that. So I haven't written back. I don't need no new hoops to jump through, got my one entropy course and no desire to run it.

So I sit here spinning in infinity and wondering what will it take to kick my but into the proper sequence of motions for excitement. I think a little less rain and little more effort. I'm so unimpressed. I got the appointment with the 'real' surgeon. He's a plastic surgeon and he won't even see me and my glass foot til 29 June. So I'm going to not be exercising regularily til next year. I can't do it, I've tried, and the damn spot swells and hurts and IT'S PISSING ME OFF. Cuz there's supposed to be nothing there. I'm supposed to be able to live life normally and all I can do is work my ass once a week then gimp my ass around in payback sufferage. Ok I guess today is bitter day. My bad, I shoulda announce unhappy hour at the top of the post. Better late than never eh?

Keep blogging.

PS my hair has been more noticably shedding/falling out, so I'm paranoidly convinced I've developed alopecia and am going bald. It's the grey days, I'm sure.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:22 AM

MenTal fUrbAll