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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

05 April 2006

the future's been sold :
This last little while I've been blast from the pasting with my music collection. It's kinda because I can and it's kinda because I don't find it interesting to listen to the radio anymore. I think I just officially got old in my music tastes. Anyways, it's been a mixed bag of pretty much anything and everything with Motley Crue's Live Wire coming out on top as THE SONG I most want to hear. It's the pounding music more than the lyrics, because c'mon Vince Neil isn't exactly the best and most articulate singer ever.

It hit me the other day, while I was walking around and thinking about what's wrong with me. I've talked here about being a slacker. I so am. But I'm not a slacker because I don't want anything. I slack because I'm TERRIFIED of success. I can barely take a compliment, there's no way I could sort out in my head how to deal with getting what I really want and worked for and all. I've spent a long time being a failure. I learned it in school after being terrorized for being smart and accomplishing straight A's. It's hard as hell to unlearnt that people will like you more if you underachieve. It's hard to get over being a people pleaser. It's HARD living for yourself.

All in all, I just do enough to get by. I don't try much. I give up a lot. I come from a long line of quitters, so I know it well. But I'm not satisfied. I've walked away from everything I was ever told I should want because it left me cold. I sit here wondering what it will really take to kickstart me into making any real tangible moves towards attaining my goals. I have simple goals, but I do virtually nothing about them. I don't read my poetry anywhere, I don't submit it to magazines or contests and I hardly post it do I? I don't take the time to exercise my storytelling chops and I bought a new camera I don't take pictures with. There's a whole lot of decision that goes int that. Mostly it's NOT RIGHT NOW. Seriously that's what I think. Yet my life line is getting shorter, and I keep putting my life off. I'm doing that killing myself through not really living thing. I've noticed.

How do I stop?

So I'm making changes that pull me outside and make me move. I joined a gym and am pursuing having the foot fixed. Since I mentally quit my job I've been impressing the hell out of my boss, who now says getting sick there was the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm really bored silly but it's an easy job so I'll stick with it until I have the ability to get something better, upward and onward. Tomorrw I go and pay for the gym membership. I may not work out as I'm currently weraing 2 ankle braces. The weather prompotes walking, the glass in foot promotes compemnsating and so now I have the burning twinges of impending sprain and tendonitis. Yeah I have help in putting things off :)

I had found a neato article at Binsk's place but the link is gone now so I googled the name in the article. Sinc I read this I've been thinking of how true it is and how I've gotta step up and stop coasting. I'm never going to be all I want if I keep letting myself fumble the ball. Even Clifford Franklin eventually caught the pass :)

I've taken some time to sloganize (which I did take from Binsk)

Out Of The Strong Came Forth Mental Furball.
The Mental Furball Effect.
Any Time, Any Place, Mental Furball.
There Ain't No Party Like A Mental Furball Party.
Schhh... You Know Mental Furball.
Strong and Beautiful, Just Like Mental Furball.
You Deserve A Mental Furball Today.

and my fave :)

There's Only One Mental Furball.

The most fitting lyrics for my mood today are from BLUR

The Universal

This is the next century
Where the universal’s free
You can find it anywhere
Yes, the future’s been sold
Every night we’re gone
And to karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
’though the words are wrong

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go

No-one here is alone
Satellite’s in every home
Yes, the universal’s here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow’s your lucky day
Well, here’s your lucky day

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
If the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go

Keep blogging
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:34 AM

MenTal fUrbAll