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From the ghost land of the easy life.

16 February 2006

with the sun's love :
Dear Ewan McGregor,

You are patiently listening to me these days by virtue of being the man on my desktop. It's nice to see you there, even if you are chewing on your finger a bit. I tend to make people nervous. Go figure.

Day two of recouperating from whatever it is that's slowing me down, bumming me out and kicking my ass. Oh yea that's me. I've been thinking about Bette Midler and the song The Rose. I have seen the movie and I love the song, but not because of that. I went away to a problem child retreat when I was 16. My high school counsellor sponsored me to go. My parents had a shit fit and I'm pretty sure my dad was certain the mounties would show up as soon as I was gone and cart his ass away for being the man he was. My ma I'm sure was scared he was right, and then who would run her life.

The retreat wasn't about that. It was so kids like me could have people to talk to. People who understood. People who didn't judge, or try to be helpful in the you're-so-broken-and-need-to-be-fixed way that never helps because it's coming from fear and not understanding or sympathy.

I went twice. I loved it both times. Both times someone else paid for me to go because my folks had other financial priorities. I'm still wondering what it takes to not be queen of the overshare, but you oughta know that by now. I can't keep my mouth shut and most of what comes out is other poeples' bullshit. I'm such a self debasing sponge of garbage. But you're helping me a lot, because you're consistently showing up and listening to me. Much like my BFFU (not BFFC like I posted before cuz we met in University - I'm so turning American :).

I know I'm going to wear her out cuz my insanity is pretty rampant these days. I'm tired of listening to me and so it seems is pretty much anyone I talk to. So they stop talking to me. I'm just paranoid. I have IM issues. I am too polite - thinking if the person says they are away they aren't there to message so I don't try. That doesn't go for people I know well, but they are few and far between and they know I love them to death for putting up with my endless shit. It feels endless right now, mostly because I'm sick and alone with myslef. It's supposed to ice rain too so it's all like a big iced snow day with laziness on top.

I need a book on modern human protocol. I need to know what is too pushy and waht isn't. I've been accused of being smothering before and I don't like the sound of it so maybe I go over to the aloof side way too easy and then it's all what's wrong with me - why doesn't anyone say hi. Then there's something in me that says if they don't even make the effort to say hi to me then they don't like me. I get a lot of mental exercise that way, let me tell you.

I'm just worried tht I'll screw up and since there are way too many ways to do that so I've decided to give that up forever, starting now. I'm gong to full force inflict myself on whomever I decide. If they're going to dislike me they might as well have a valid reason to do so. You've been hanging out for a bit now, so you have an idea what that means and it's all good. Really I'm a peach. I'm a bit insane but who isn't?

So Ewan, it's you and me and BFFU and whoever else decides to come on board. Sign up now. I need to know numbers so I can arrange the food.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:08 PM

MenTal fUrbAll