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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

01 February 2006

a little mystery to figure out :
My 21st friend has been working on me a little lately. She's been telling me thoughts from my own head in a way that makes me think about them in a new way and I can't say I don't appreciate it but there's also a hint of mistrust in my mind. Everything she says makes sense, is exciting and something I've pondered more than once in my time. She has a slightly different view of the world than I do. She is currently overweight as I am. She was not always so though, in her younger days she was very athletic and fit and something happened to change all that. I can't say the same for me. Infact there really isn't a time I can actively remember when I wasn't overweight. Sure there are pictures of those times, but I don't have any memory of them.

Now that is important because it speaks to this strange fear of the unknown I've developed. I've been losing weight. I don't know what it is about Ottawa and being here and all, but it agrees with me in the shedding pounds and clothes sizes. It's nothing drastic or anything and its surprise even me because there IS a plateau coming, and that's where I usually wash up. Because you see I'm not REALLY trying to lose weight. It's just happening. Factors of life and all. I have been eating slightly differently and walking a lot more and just moving. Left to my own devices in B-ville I was a virtual shut in sitting on the couch doing nada. Here I'm always on the go and I don't want to sit around on the couch for more than an hour or two. And there's this fear - that I'm becoming someone I won't even recognize. It's a weird one that I keep slamming into and, now that I'm seeing it, I have to wonder how many times this roadblock had propelled me backwards into the land of the safe and known and recognizable.

I'm not exactly a play by the rules person. I do what I want to do and go where I want to go and I suffer the post birthday melancholy every year. It's a weird thing the melancholy - because it's prompted by a broken promise. If my dad had live to my 18th birthday he had promised to kill me. Knowing him he'd have sent my ma and sister out of town and chopped me up and fed me to the dogs telling everyone I ran away. My dad was practical. It sounds really bad, but I was living my teenage life in eager anticipation of the end. Because my life, back then sucked so badly as far as I was concerned. Then he died and the world spun out of control for a while and I totally went with it. It's been 18 years and I’m just pulling myself together and finally getting parts of my head together. It doesn't all want to come at the same time mind you, it's getting better. Now I have my 21st friend who is telling me I'm so busy being seriously defeated I'm wondering to myself WHY am I bothering to work through all this if all it's getting me is this opinion from other people?

And then I'm thinking GEEZ aren't I just looking for an excuse to wallow and be all dull and old school about myself. It's this little war that happens in my head every year about this time where the Capricorn kicks the crap out of the Aquarius with a laundry list of failings and incompletes and standards that make no sense and series of berrations that sound like the background noise of the 9th level of Dante's Inferno and I'm kinda stuck there on a surfboard in the turmoil. I can see it now. My eyes are open and I' more than a bit offended that I think this about myself, that I DO THIS to myself. I should be locked up for abuse. Really.

Yet I'm here for the first time, and I can see it all. The wasteland of my mind and all that keeps me idle and inactive and doubting worried and paralyzed. I am slowly packing it up and carting it off to the dump. As I do this there is someone I call friend eternally saying the things that I don't need to hear. I know she thinks she is helping but it's not. These words channeling through her are things that add frustration guilt and helplessness. They are verbal shackles and chains and I had just about gotten rid of everyone else’s, now I have hers too. Because I am just looking for a reason NOT to change. This change is scary for me because I will cease to be the person I remember I have known and memorized. If I can do this I will be someone else and the world will see me in a different way and I'm not too sure I can deal with that, because it is ultimately unfair that I have to fundamentally change to be accepted (I've had this soap box a LONG time). That I was changing for my own self-benefit and pleasure was never the point before, it was all about NOT doing what I was told. Get that - FAT as REBELLION.

So I wonder now what have I done to my psyche that it's projecting these internal voices out in the world and sending them at me through my friends?? Is this a challenge? Because I'm tired and telling me I'm tired and defeated gets a bleary nod and I just keep the rest to myself. I am too serious but I seriously am determined - and that person talking to me is misguided and not helpful. I need a little Rob Schneider clone sitting in the corner going "You Can Do IT!" Not all these voices listing off the reasons why I don't get what I want because as WE all KNOW I'm defective and unable to be accepted by society and this is how it tells me off - by dangling a carrot and enjoying my disappointment at not receiving it. It's real old hat for me, I know all this shtick. So is it wrong that I can't find anything in myself but sadness and pity for the bitterness and venom that I hear in these 'helpful' talks? Is it bad that I think I'm listening to a plea for help from someone who feels worse about the way they are than I do about how I am? I think the real problem is that no matter how Powerless she feels I am POWERLESS to help her. There is nothing I can say or do to affect the change she needs and is detailing for me. I also know the jealousy aspect of it. There is an us against them thing that happens with heavy people and I'm defecting as my clothes start falling off week after week. Seriously I HAVE to wear a belt now, cuz all those new pants are falling off whenever I stand up. It's really annoying - in a good way.

And sure I have given up. I've given up listening to all the yada yada yada that falls out of my head and other peoples' mouths because I know me and if I pay attention to that I won't listen to myself. Seriously it's about time I had a say. I've got plans and they include shuffling off to the gym several times a week starting the end of next week when I can get a membership. It also includes wearing an heretofore unknown clothing size by summer. I’m on a roll might as well keep going. And if people see me differently that’s ok, and if people malign me well that’s ok too. I’m going for it in the all or nothing nonchallantmess of my style. If I can sabotage myself with indifference then By George I’m going to motivate myself with indifference too. Watch me go.

Now all I need is a sewing machine, I’m going to make a one of those oversized bag out of my old pants, I can’t give them away because they are ripped and I really want to make something out of them because I can but I think I’ll get arthritis if I try to do it by hand.

Keep blogging :)
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:42 AM

MenTal fUrbAll