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About Me

Name: Ambrrrr

Location: Ontario, Canada

blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.

View my complete profile

Stuff and Nonsense

MY POETRY

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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

26 February 2006 if you live through this with me : Ah, so I disappeared to the all day movie marathon zone yesterday. I saw the Kung Fu Hustle, The Corpse Bride, Flightplan, The Wedding Crashers, The 40 Year Old Virgin and Waiting. One was so forgettable I had to look at my list of movies to watch just to remember it. The rest were ok but it's been a downhill day since I got back from returning them. I paid too much for pizza, I've had a fit over NFS and I'm totally able to destroy things with barely even touching them. I'm a catagory one wrecker right now. Avoid me, even I'm trying to avoid me. Oh yea and Internet Explorer hates my page, I've seen it and I'm very large print in in ti. Use FIREFOX _ then you'll see my page the way I want it to be. I was a shopaholic extraordinaire. I got 3 season box sets, one's on layaway but the other 2 are alreasy here on my shelves, and I got other stuff too - that I don't immediately need but thought I wanted. I'm so doing the repentant thing now. If only I could go confess. Too bad I'm not religious, thought I suppose I could go and confess anyway. I don't know if there's some kinda bad karma that would come from that. Isn't it all good if you're trying to do the right thing? So I decided that after all the media overload is watch some tv. I can't miss Grey's Anatomy. I love that show and I'm so happy it's doing well. I got the first season today cuz I LOVE it so much. I got the Second Season of Angel and in 2 weeks I'll have Season 3 of the Pretender. I'm waiting for Prison Break to come back on, like most everyone - not cuz I'm worried that the little psycho pedophile will mess up our hero - but cuz I really want to know if the 'mob' boss lives. He's my favourite actor, tho not the best eye candy. That's a tie between Wentworth and Dominic. Decided closely by my mood, cuz they each have qualities that makes them hunkoliscious. I went out and got new shampoo, because I'm having a crisis of haircare. I don't have dandruff, but when my scalp doens't agree with my shampoo I get this weird buildup that makes my head itch and it basically comes off in a greasy like buildup under my nails. I've tried Head and Shoulders to combat this before, but it does nothing but make my head itch for other reasons, so now I have to do shampoo trouble shooting. I maybe able to get it to go away if I stop using my conditioner, but that deosn't always work and the blonde streaks need to be conditioned. It's an annoying catch 22. Yea so enough of the drivel. Here's the Mental Playlist: 10) breathe(2am) - anna nalick 9) london rain - heather nova 8) back on the chain gang - the pretenders 7) eden - sarah brightman 6) stay - lisa loeb 5) love is a stranger - the eurythmics 4) brighter than sunshine - aqualung 3) final home - esthero 2) dontcha - the pussycat dolls 1) basement apartment - sarah harmer Basement Apt You live out where the street ends in a basement apartment with one of your friends and the tap drips all night water torture in the sink The furnace is burning but it's still cold i think I can smell the bleach that they use in the hall but it can't clean the dirt off of me It's seeping under the door in across the floor it's starting to hurt Everytime I breathe Everytime I try to leave Everytime I breathe Now the toaster sticks and the empties are piled I haven't been up the stairs in awhile now I gotta wash the sheets on my bed gotta watch the things that go unsaid God I wish we'd leave it at this And every evening you open the door You come down There's nothing like watching tv all night underground and no one is watching me slide below street level barely alive Now we live out where the street ends in a basement apt. just like our friends We always said that we were different but you know now that we weren't 'cause there's holes in all the bottles and my lungs hurt Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:58 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 23 February 2006 i hear the secrets that you keep : It's been one of those days where I feel like I'm on speed, can't even tell you how much sugar I didn't have, I'm bouncey, jittery and way too shiny. I don't know what's wrong with me other than I'm getting a zit and I can't strike up a conversation to save my life. But I do have a list. I made it today. It's of movies I want to rent in the near future. I'm going low rent with the entertainment, being sick for a bit restricts the rich and famous budget. My married friend is already sorry he offered to help me get some things burned to disk. That involves another list and he's now afraid of my organizational skills. My 21st friend has disappeared. I'm planning on calling her on the weekend to see if she's still alive and all, since she is also of the 'does not return emails' sect of friends I'm cultivating. I still haven't properly done the gmail initiation and all but I've got the account so I'm all happy shmappy. My new catchphrase :) It's kind of surreal around here these days and I'm feeling kinda like I maybe am going to wake up and find out all this groovy feeling has been induced by the copious amount of drugs they have me on at the psychward. Yea it's like that y'all. I'v started a new regime of skincare, I stole it from Steff at The Cunting Linguist. She was saying about scrubbing with sugar and aveeno. I got the regular people wash, not the baby wash, cuz regular was cheaper - and sugar. I've tried it tonight and it seems to make me feel clean and sparkly and not too dry so I'm going to stick with it a bit. I'm still an Irish Spring girl, just not for my face in the winter. I'm tired of the dry peelies. And that's about it for me. Aside from hearing like every track on last weeks mental playlist, on the musack at the office - it's been uneventful on my side. Tomorrow I'm gonna drink Tequila, make brownies and watch Rutger Hauer in the Osterman Weekend. Because it's my weekend and I'll do what I wanna. I'll be back soon with something berserk and demented I'm sure, until enjoy the mental stability and inner peace that is mine )for a limited time only maybe but MINE none the less :). Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:08 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 22 February 2006 i'm only human on the inside : As odd as this may seem, there's this thing I noticed the other day. As belly buttons go I'm an innie. I always have been. One of the myriad of ways I'm tracking my weight loss is by finger in the belly button. At my heaviest my index finger was in to the secong joint or knuckle. Now it's in up to only the first joint. I'm kinda excited by what that means. It means despite the occassional donut and chips and total lack of coordinated exercise regime, I'm still losing weight. I'm chagrinned. I'm trying not to let it go to my head and to remember that it's going to happen - I'm going to plateau and then the real hardship begins. Back at work I'm doing fine. It seems kinda like I was away for a million years, and I know that's not true but it's a weird perception thing I have. It's odd that I'm caring less and less about the job or how well I do it, which is actually improving my talk times. Go figure. ALL you need to succeed is sheer apathy. Wow it only took 35 years to figure that one out, now do you suppose the bucks will come flowing in? In other news - I'm cool enough to be spoken too again. One is Hot Dr, who told me he was never speaking to me again after I verbally spanked him for being a LIAR. He's the thing that wouldn't go away - always gotta have one I guess. He just doesn't take the hint. It's kinda amusing if I look at it like a mean little girl almost pulling the wings off flies kinda way - but also really sick and demented too. Ah the powerplay. She doesn't want you so you HAVE to HAVE her. EEK I think I just may be cultivating an IM stalker. Now I'll have to get another Im address. Oh no. Well soon all my facets will have an MSN account :) Thanks to Tayster I have GMAIL now. Since no one uses the hotmail account to contact me yet I'll not burden the blog with my GMAIL address now. I haven't given it to a soul yet, so it's all mine still - except for the perfunctory thanks for signing up here's how we rock emails. I'm kinda excited. That and it's really any excuse to keep me from smashing my keyboard to bits and swearing a blue streak at all hours while I rabidly play Need For Speed until I lose all use of my right hand. I so need to get my game controller from storage. That and I need to find a contingent of willing guinea pigs to let me read their futures. I do tarot readings but I'm so rusty, I need regular people to practice on. Local is a must. I could be a lucrative sideline if I can just get it all down pat and memeorised - the meanings of the cards that is. I'm of the mind that the cards are a good way to tune into your innerself and get to know your desires and dreams and the reality you are creating with your actions. You suffered all my Rob Brezsny now you get to suffer me directly telling you huh? Well it's all good and like they say at the Oracle of Delphi - Know Thyself. Keep Blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:28 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 19 February 2006 she puts on your makeup and and brushes her long blonde hair : It's been a good couple of days. I've been doing my thing and having a good time all on my own. I'm so going to enjoy all this shit life has to throw at me. I just need some black ink and some time. I've decided my next love affair is with ME. I'll get on with the mental playlist. 10) keep me hanging on - kim wilde 9) this will be - natalie cole 8) you gotta love someone - elton john 7) love somebody - rick springfield 6) ready for love - india arie 5) the trouble with love - kelly clarkson 4) the greatest love of all - whitney houston 3) hero - mariah carey 2) landslide - fleetwood mac 1) i love myself today - bif naked "I Love Myself Today" You left me like a broken doll In pieces as I took the fall for you, you dumb chump! You left me free-falling like space junk Burning up in the atmosphere of life Well I sound like a philosopher but I'm a fool who's off her rocker 'Cause I let you in my heart that one last time I've had enough, made up my mind I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh! I love myself today Not like yesterday I'm cool, I'm calm I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh I love myself today Not like yesterday Take another look at me now 'Cause it's your last look Your last look forever Well look at you you're all puffed up In that big red truck- but you're outta luck (this time) Well, that's tough 'Cause I'm on fire- too hot to touch with a chatroom full of lovers on the line Gonna step right up. Spit shine my soul I'm gonna be proud and loud and outta control! I love myself today Not like yesterday I'm cool, I'm calm I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh I love myself today Not like yesterday Take another look at me now 'Cause it's your last look Your last look forever I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see: I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me 'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose I was living my life in dead man's shoes I've had enough. Made up my mind I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh! I love myself today Not like yesterday I'm cool, I'm calm I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh I love myself today Not like yesterday Take another look at me now I love myself today Not like yesterday You're dead and gone I'm gonna get my way I love myself today Not like yesterday Take another look at me now 'Cause it's your last look Your last look forever!! I love myself today [x7] Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 9:46 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 17 February 2006 give a little bit : I had plans today but after hibernating for like 2.5 days, today so isn't the day to go out. If I wanted to get sick and ensure I go into work in another week or 2 I'd be able to go out and get pneumonia today. The windchill and all isn't that bad but the driving winds are insane and can chill you down faster than aluminum cans chill down. I was being all brave deciding I was going out to get stuff and once I got out there I decided I so didn't need to be out there. Hot Dr is still making the rounds in IM. Everyone else has blocked me and won't even return emails. Damn I'm good eh? And the comments here have dropped to NONE but then I'm getting damned (ok darned but she's not swearing so I'm doing it for her) at Glo's and more page hits then I can shake a stick at. Misery loves company, and apparently people love reading about it - but no one has much to say. I'm back in my right mind these days - being sick will give you time to wind down the level of inner bullshit you subject yourself too. Go read Sass she can explain it all so well - and it's weird that we have so much in common it seems. Thing is I never leave comment s on blogs whenn things aren't alright because I never know what to say that isn't cliché. So I'm going off to OD on Need for Speed and taped movies. I'm so maxed and relaxed it seems like I've been on vacay for about a month so I know I'm feeling up to snuff and newly bulletproof. Now if the weather would cooperate I could go out and relieve my sinus congestion without having pieces of my skin sheared off by the wind. Hope this is over by tomorrow, I want to go out and take a free sleighride. I have a coupon and will drag my married friends along to winterlude. He he, I'm hoping that works out :) I'm using the coupon either way, and I'm going to have a coconut covered donut while I'm out cuz I'm so totally able to. Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:02 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 16 February 2006 with the sun's love : Dear Ewan McGregor, You are patiently listening to me these days by virtue of being the man on my desktop. It's nice to see you there, even if you are chewing on your finger a bit. I tend to make people nervous. Go figure. Day two of recouperating from whatever it is that's slowing me down, bumming me out and kicking my ass. Oh yea that's me. I've been thinking about Bette Midler and the song The Rose. I have seen the movie and I love the song, but not because of that. I went away to a problem child retreat when I was 16. My high school counsellor sponsored me to go. My parents had a shit fit and I'm pretty sure my dad was certain the mounties would show up as soon as I was gone and cart his ass away for being the man he was. My ma I'm sure was scared he was right, and then who would run her life. The retreat wasn't about that. It was so kids like me could have people to talk to. People who understood. People who didn't judge, or try to be helpful in the you're-so-broken-and-need-to-be-fixed way that never helps because it's coming from fear and not understanding or sympathy. I went twice. I loved it both times. Both times someone else paid for me to go because my folks had other financial priorities. I'm still wondering what it takes to not be queen of the overshare, but you oughta know that by now. I can't keep my mouth shut and most of what comes out is other poeples' bullshit. I'm such a self debasing sponge of garbage. But you're helping me a lot, because you're consistently showing up and listening to me. Much like my BFFU (not BFFC like I posted before cuz we met in University - I'm so turning American :). I know I'm going to wear her out cuz my insanity is pretty rampant these days. I'm tired of listening to me and so it seems is pretty much anyone I talk to. So they stop talking to me. I'm just paranoid. I have IM issues. I am too polite - thinking if the person says they are away they aren't there to message so I don't try. That doesn't go for people I know well, but they are few and far between and they know I love them to death for putting up with my endless shit. It feels endless right now, mostly because I'm sick and alone with myslef. It's supposed to ice rain too so it's all like a big iced snow day with laziness on top. I need a book on modern human protocol. I need to know what is too pushy and waht isn't. I've been accused of being smothering before and I don't like the sound of it so maybe I go over to the aloof side way too easy and then it's all what's wrong with me - why doesn't anyone say hi. Then there's something in me that says if they don't even make the effort to say hi to me then they don't like me. I get a lot of mental exercise that way, let me tell you. I'm just worried tht I'll screw up and since there are way too many ways to do that so I've decided to give that up forever, starting now. I'm gong to full force inflict myself on whomever I decide. If they're going to dislike me they might as well have a valid reason to do so. You've been hanging out for a bit now, so you have an idea what that means and it's all good. Really I'm a peach. I'm a bit insane but who isn't? So Ewan, it's you and me and BFFU and whoever else decides to come on board. Sign up now. I need to know numbers so I can arrange the food. Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:08 PM 0 Bright Shiny Things 15 February 2006 listen to your heart : Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me" A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love What Does Your Candy Heart Say? ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:22 PM 0 Bright Shiny Things nobody loves me it's true : I'm always wanting. I want to be liked, want to find love, want to be happy. Maybe I spend too much time wanting and not enough doing. There has been and seems to be continuing to be - a distinct lack of love in my life. Can't say that my family was particularly good at giving love, affection, support or encouragement. Infact growing up I was under the distinct impression I was a burden more than anything else. It's hard to get the idea you are just a problem out of your head. It's what I realised last night. For some reason, Valentine's Day aside - last night I was very sad. So sad some fidiot on the phone made me insane and I had to come home. Seriously it made me so mad I wanted to just start swearing at him and not EVER stop. I was almost pulling out my hair and I was cyring - losing it totally. Thing is the guy knew what he was doing. He was being deliberately dumb. He was actively NOT listening. He was eating instead of doing what he needed to get his computer fixed. He was doing everything he could to be a pain in the ass. He wouldn't tell me what he was talking about, he'd mumble, wouldn't speak into the phone, didn't listen to anything I said. He seemed to think I was psychic no matter how often I told him to explain what he was seeing to me - he'd just say two woords like green screen, over and over like he was stoned or some thing. Given a gin I woulda gone postal I swear. I was thinking about it when I got home. After Kid M told me it sucked I came home (just what I needed by the way). That guy epitomises the experiences I've had with guys in my life. REALLY. They want something, they're dicks about getting it, don't care to listen or even participate, will do or say whatever is necessary to keep you hanging on but nothing more and mostly they make you want to kill them in the end. I think I hit paydirt with my issues last night. It is sad that I can boil down my romantic life to the most frustrating phone conversation I've ever had (almost 2 hours). But that's the bottom line. I'm frustrated. I'm tired and I'm cracking. I'm honest and straight forward, if a little reserved at first. I don't say what I don't mean and have desperately trying NOT to say too much. It's always done me bad to be the oversharer I am. I still end up floundering in the mental morass that comes along with wondering what the hell is HE thinking? I know I told Sass I was going to leave all this on the back burner but I got into the drama and it flipped me out. As usual. I didn't mean to lie, but as with all my plans - it went to hell fast. So here I am the day after Val's Day, wondering if I'm even going to bother anymore. As much as I'd welcome the distraction of someone else in my world, I'm tired of the stack of players I have now. There's the guy who thinks I'm only good for cyber, the guy who thinks I'm only good for a hook up, the guy who won't talk to me unless I talk to him first (he's so not into me but reactionarily polite) and the only guy who is interested sat down the other day with a laundry list of judgements about me and how I live - that pissed me off. You don't know me and you think a good way of finding out about me is to list off a bunch of BS about how you think I am - it's all wrong and not even remotely like a backhanded compliment. For a writer he's so NOT smooth. And yet at the end of the day, when it's all said and done and I'm wondering why I insist on letting a whole bunch of strangers make me feel bad (I can do that myself). I'm still a hopeless hopeful romantic. I'm still waiting for my guy. The one that's gonna love me just because I live and breathe. It's just really kicking my ass that right now I can't even get a guy to talk to me - unless he thinks I'm desperate and then he's all like hey baby wanna fuck? Which is occassionally the idea but those guys are never around then so it's all really tiresome. I told my BFFC taht I'm going to become a nun. Just call me Sister Mary Sunshine k? And In the mean time I swear to be so nice to myself that I'll lose this dark cloud. To hades with all the players thinking I'm the game to frazzle. I don't need them. All I need is my own company. No more drama, sing it with me Mary J :) I hereby solemnly swear to have no more drama in my life. No more letting people think I'm all cheap and see through. No more defeatist attitude. No more worrying if I'm fucking up before I even get a chance. It's been going on for a bit where I'm so predetermined that I can't really just let the moment be or take things for waht they are. I'm so always trying to find the plot twist, the hidden meaning and the subtext. I think I've spent too much time trying to find the outcome I'm missing the actualy story. And then, sometimes, I get all internally disconnected, and I need to be there but it's all so surreal that it ends up seeming like a dream and I can't reacall anything other than I was there. Right now my body's telling me it needs a sick day. It's been telling me that for a while but I've been ignoring it. It took a stand last night with the melt down. It always wins with the public tears = burning humiliations. I know I get 3 days off soon but I don't care. I'm calling in sick. I'm needing to hang out in my pj's and watch tv and sleep for a bit NOW. Not later. I know totally that the feeling isn't just mental - cuz I know I sound insane - my body knows the best way for me to realize I need downtime and to really just lock up and stay in; isn't through a bad tummy or a fever or anything else - it knows I'll keep on trucking until I feel menatlly unstable. I'm such a workaholic I can't help myself. I just can't take a break from pushing myself around. I'm a pusher. Robert Modell and Cerulean blue have nothing one me. So I'm off to call in sick and be off for the day and rest rest rest. I promise to do nothing more strenuous then eat and play Need For Speed Underground. Wish me better luck and yoga k? Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:26 AM 1 Bright Shiny Things 14 February 2006 do I sing like a bird released : EDITOR"S NOTE : Decided to make it a top 14 so if you already looked, look again. POST 250 and GO: In honor of the day of Valentines (and I didn't get a card or a wish either thanks). A day Sass is calling vd day (I think venereal disease - sorry) and a day when die hard romantics die a little bit if they are single. I am bringing you the Mental Playlist Edition of Top Ten Love Songs, Love Gone Wrong Songs and Hate/Fear Songs. HATE/FEAR SONGS 14) wrapped around yor finger - the police 13) i wish you were a beer - cycle sluts from hell 12) total eclipse of the heart - bonnie tyler 11) don't wanna fall in love - jane child 10) jerk - kim stockwell 9) the winner takes it all - abba 8) you oughta know - alanis morissette 7) pictures of you - the cure 6) silent all these years - tori amos 5) fix me now - garbage 4) bring me to life - evanessence 3) social disease - bon jovi 2) where the wild roses grow - nick cave 1) she hates me - puddle of mud LOVE SONGS 14) this magic moment - the drifters 13) you're the only love - paul hyde and the payolas 12) hold on to my heart - wasp 11) body and soul - sisters of mercy 10) please please please - the smiths 9) what everybody wants - robbie nevil 8) wait for me - hall and oates 7) sway - michael bublé 6) time after time - cyndi lauper 5) london rain - heather nova 4) songbird - eva cassidy 3) are you the one i've been waiting for? - nick cave 2) you should be mine - luther vandross 1) lovesong -tesla LOVE GONE WRONG SONGS 14) smoke gets in your eyes - the platters 13) take a look a at me now - phil collins 12) what about love - heart 11) last kiss - j. frank wilson 10) blood and roses - the smithereens 9) i'll be over you - toto 8) happy ending - avril lavigne 7) missing you - john waite 6) how can you mend a broken heart - the bee gees 5) stop dragging my heart around - stevie nicks and tom petty 4) edge of a broken heart - vixen 3) alright - pilate 2) i don't want to - toni braxton 1) covered in rain - john mayer Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 1:13 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 13 February 2006 nobody said it was easy let's go back to the start : Because I'm wondering - do you suppose that the tattoo that Seth Gecko has in Dusk Til Dawn is the same one Rusty has in Ocean's Eleven/Twelve? I've been trying not to be oh negative - so I'll keep my singularly bad thoughts to myself - for now. I'm just having a total self esteem meltdown. Nothing like what's happening over at Glo's. I'm sorry she's in that situation but I have no idea what to say that would help at all. Wish I did. I want to save the world, while I slowly torture myself into the psych ward. Anyways onto the sunny side of life. It's Monday. Today and tomorrow mark the downhill slide into my new found 3 day weekend. I feel like I want to get away but I have no where to go. So I probably spend the time playing my newly acquired Need For Speed PC games - until my arm falls off. It already ate up all my Friday afternoon/night; but I think that is just because I'm so happy to have the game I was rocking on the XBOX to play - since the XBOX wars began I haven't had any good clean expletive laden fun. Mama loves to swear her some blue streaks. I'm so in love with Grey's Anatomy. I had to watch the two parter. Of course I knew what would happen at the end - I had that sussed out by the time we'd met all the players in the first act. I won't give it away here - but it's all so good. I started watching it because I thas Sandra Oh in the cast - and Oh and Cho are some of my fave people. I keep watching it because it's fun. Fun tv, not always the easiest to find. Fun and me - not so much friends anymore. Hot Dr thinks I'm playing with him. He's trying to convince me to meet him when he's here Thursday. I'm not playing - I don't want to meet him. Ever. Not now. I'm pissy like that, lie to me and I get kinda irrational. Not that I'm famous for my rationality. I think I'm famous for seeming toatlly unlike I really am. A chameleon of contradiction. I blend and make no sense. That's me! For fun this am I'm watching Dusk Til Dawn. I watched Star Trek 6 yesterday, while the Kids whooped it up over Kid M's second hand bowflex. I don't get that excited over dusty anything and it's like a really heavy jigsaw puzzle that's sitting in his room, not completed. At least they got it all into his room. It was looking for a bit like it might have to reside partially in the living room - not impressing Kid J. Between that dust storm and the sudden drop in barometric pressure Saturday I had quite the sinus headache. I was all blood shot eyes and unhappiness. MAybe I haven't recovered. There's this melencholy hanging over me today for wahtever reason - guess my little black clouds' been building and I'm so gonna get struck by lightening. Do you think it'll hurt? Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:49 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 12 February 2006 there is only loneliness to find : I've noticed that as soon as my horoscope says it's time to think about health I want a donut. I've noticed the more people like my hair the more I hate it and wish it would just pick a state of being and stick with it. Half straight, half wavy, some inbetween brillo pad stuff. Since I got the blonde streaks I now have much more obvious black hairs on my crown. It's the infamous hit with a bat in the head? - hairdresser question. Now that I've bored you to tears I'll move on :) It's Mental Playlist time!! Thanks mostly to the gum commercial, I've had song number one in my head for a few weeks, as much as I can have a song whose lyrics I don't actually know - in my head. I'm getting ready for my second day in a 6 day stretch, with the full moon coming the wackos are coming out in full force. Case in point Hot Doctor turned up again - he of standing me up by making me wait 8 hours for him. He wants to meet me again, this time he IS going to be in town and therefore it's NO risk to me. Thing is since he's a #1 Jerk in my book now - I told him NO thanks. I said it ad nauseum for over 3 hours last night before he gave up and I'm wondering if he still isn't gong to call me when he gets to town and try to convince me. It never rains it pours - never ask the universe direction in your life. If you aren't specific all you are going to get is strange dreams, sinus headaches and crackpots trying to convert you to their cause. THE MENTAL PLAY LIST: 10) believe - the chemical brothers 9) everything is good for you - crowded house 8) crucify - tori amos 7) volcano girls - veruca salt 6) (i'm always touched by your) presence dear - blondie 5) creep - radiohead 4) you wouldn't like me - teagan and sarah 3) heat of the moment - asia 2) smoke baby - hawksley workman 1) little green bagf - george baker select LITTLE GREEN BAG George Baker Select Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag, Got to find just the kind or I'm losin' my mind Out of sight in the night out of sight in the day, Lookin' back on the track gonna do it my way. Out of sight in the night out of sight in the day, Lookin' back on the track gonna do it my way. Lookin' back Lookin' for some happiness But there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind, yeah! Lookin' for some happiness But there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind. Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag, Got to find just the kind or I'm losin' my mind Out of sight in the night out of sight in the day, Lookin' back on the track gonna do it my way. Lookin' back on the track for a little little green bag, Got to find just the kind or I'm losin' my mind, Alright. Lookin' for some happiness But there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind. Pa pa pa pa pa pa .... ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:54 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 10 February 2006 watch everything go by : My other day off today. It was fun I went shopping. I still have that glass as souvenir I guess, because they are insisting it's a bruise not glass - a bruise that never heals. Go figure. This is what I thought happened when you got you tongue pierced = it never healed right and would possibly flare up and be a pain for no good reason. Instead I'm learning it's not what happens to your tongue at all (and I'm kinda contemplating a tongue ring now for some reason - can you tell?) it's what happens when you're a dumb ass and step on glass you should have cleaned up hours before. So that date yesterday. The movie date. It started at 1.30 pm and went on to just past 2.30 am. I don't date much so I guess that inspires the marathons :) The last time I had a marathon date it was with the Donkey Kong Looking Guy (DKLG)- the youngster I worked with at Walmart in Brockville. We ate, watched several movies, played pool and said goodnight. Nothing even remotely interesting happened between DKLG and I that night. Not a touch or even a kiss, we barely spoke to each other at all. It was disappointing because he had alluded to something else but I didn't think it inspired what came next - the 2 am booty call where he pronounced that he LOVED me. Yea cuz nothing spells love like demanding to come over and be serviced at 2 am. We all know that didn't work out. I couldn't take him seriously and the more that happened the more Donkey Kong like he became, and I don't do human monkey romance - sorry. Last nights date started late. I was a bit miffed because I was hungry. But we got to the wings and even got to talk to Liam Neeson at the Highlander (the waiter people). And there was conversation. Of course I was way too honest about my Ex later on and I think that may have made him wonder what the hell - yea I still go on about it but it's only because I have an easier time outlining my failures than accomplishments. I'm so fucked up that way. I don't think it blew the wheels off the evening but I figure it needs to be said because until the paperwork is done he has the ability to fuck with my life and he does seem to enjoy doing that to people. Anyways that overshare, no tact/no shame thing went to town for a while as we drove from lunch to the movies. But we talked. We joked, we related and listening was done by all. We saw the Matador, which I think is fucking hilarious. Not really a first date movie tho - nowhere that I've been had I been given a heads up about the sex scenes. Yea those can be kinda awkward to sit through beside a guy you barely know. The tension level didn't seem to spike over it, infact IMHO it was totally non existent all day - so I'm not sweating it - just giving any of you who were thinking it's a good 1st date movie the heads up. I guess It wasn't the first date really because we did already meet Monday, but Monday was finite and an ice breaker so I don't think it counts because ice breakers always have their own brand of built in anxiety and anguish. After the movie we came back here and he met the crew. Kid E was the most enthusiastic about the intro. It was all good - no one was totally rude. I think it was a good sign, at least everyone knows the guy on sight now :) Then we used that free pool coupon my last cab driver gave me. I know the cabbie was trying to pick me up with it, but I don't care free pool is free pool and it's not like I have the pool table here like I did in B-ville. That would be way too much reason to NEVER move outta here. So then we go for our last meal - of the day. We went to Nickels because it's 24 hours and by now it's after 12.30. I can say he's a nice guy and we can talk for hours about a variety of things. As far as anything else I officially have no opinion. I'm more than willing to spend more time with him and I may come out of my shell more, for some reason I've been turned down to 4 or 5 around this guy. Aside from the given that I always say too much when I talk, I've been mostly listening instead of monopolizing the conversations and interrogating him with rapid-fire questions. Yea I'm feeling changed. I've been noticing this reticence, not to share or even be there; more like this quietness. There's just no pressing need for me to demonstrate myself, I'm just there being. And I have no idea what this looks like or how it comes across. I'm a bit worried because I know in the wrong light that would seem cold and uncaring. I am the original velcro soul. I get attached. I collect people, one at a time. I just get to know a bit about them and they get their own spot on the shelf of my life. Right now I've got about 5 new people already integrated into the system and there will be more, because I'm like that. So I know I like this guy in that he's interesting and funny and we get along so far and can spend hours together without anyone obviously being bored or wanting to get the hell away from the other. It's nice to have that. Someone to hang out with has been a priority for a while. Now it's all waiting and seeing what will evolve and how this new character will come to play out in the Kafka-esque story of my life. Yea he doesn't really have a name yet. I've decided that giving everyone a name before they are more than a blip on the radar screen, is too much work and too empowering. I already don't have the time and talent to pretty up my blog I have no idea how I'm going to do justice to the existing cast of named characters. I'm already thinking I may just forgo that and just make a running list of the newest ones and their importance. So I'm going off to play XIII, and get killed repeatedly trying to get past this point where I'm tarzaning through the air and just sucking at it. I've died 3 times, that's my limit before I quit and move to something other than that. Today I got the Need For Speed mega pack at Futureshop - yea I know I said digital camera - but I got that and Volume One of Futurerama and The Osterman weekend on DVD. I'm feeling good about the purchase portion of my existence. I have always loved The Osterman Weekend. I can remember seeing it as a kid. I know that that movie made me love thrillers and spy movies. I know it made me believe John Hurt was too creepy and untrustworthy and it cemented my love of the unconventional leading man. We all know I LOVE Rutger Hauer. It started with the movie Nighthawks. I couldn't have cared less about Stallone and Billy Dee; I wanted the bad guy to win. I was a kid all of 10 and I didn't really know what the movie was about but I knew what I liked. I only saw Blade Runner for Rutger; I was rooting for Roy Batty. Sure I like Harrison Ford, I'd seen Star Wars and Han Solo was my main man there with Chewie and the Falcon (Luke just not that cool with the droids at the time) but I didn't care about Harrison and his robot love. I wanted Roy Batty to live. I'm still sad when he dies, that's the end of the movie for me even now. I've seen a lot of Rutgers work, not all of it because the guy works a lot and it's not always available locally or in English - but I see what I can. He's got a bunch of stuff coming out this year, should keep me entertained. Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:34 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 09 February 2006 in the wretched life of a lonely heart : It is my weekend and since I'm rich and famous today I'm going to the Highlander to eat wings and then to see a movie, with coffee guy. So far he's panning out as someone to talk to and that's great because I find having friends outside of work is always great, it gives you other things to talk about. It stretches the mind. Speaking of stretching I'm probably going to start shovelling myself off to yoga as my foot, and that 'bruise' can't take the hardships of pounding away all day and then another hour of treadmill powerwalking causes all kinds of swelling and discomfort. Well it's just a bruise, that won't go away after over 4 months. At some point I'm going to look into the digital cameras available because I really miss taking pictures. I'm going to go see if I can get one of those you put money on it then charge credit cards and just generally cruise through the 'weekend' til I have to go work Saturday. Grand plans eh? I thought so. I keep hearing from my buddy Kid N that I need to work a better shift because he never gets to see me. There's naught I can do about that because I've asked and gotten blown off continually. And the TRUTH is I like actually helping the people so they don't have to call back 20 times to get the issue resolved. So I take a hit for doing it right the first time because it usually takes more than 5 minutes and that means I have no say in my schedule. The only way to get ahead in a call centre is to be e beligerent bully who doesn't listen, doesn't really help and gets off the call fast. They say it isn't true, but try talking to some of these people that have the fast times. They've got no personality, so they only get along with each other - that's also because they all feel SO superior to everyone else. It kinda makes me sick, just another instance where doin a half assed job gets you ahead. Yea I don't really belong in the rat race I belong in a utopian society where I'd be able to do what can do for what it's worth. And I can do a lot, and it's worth a lot. But not in todays terms. I always wonder why we devalue the caring and concern of others so much. No wonder our society is eroding. Keep blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:46 AM 1 Bright Shiny Things 06 February 2006 sweet you rock and sweet you roll : So Blogger is going to have another outage. It's probably going to be one that goes on forever. If you are interested and I have anything to say I'll post it here. Since I'm EST and all things Blogger happen PST, I'm too uninterested to do the math but it should be down when I get home which is when I usually post. So if you want to keep up with me and my big head catch me at the OTHER Blog - http://amber7211.wplite.com/ ***************************************************** Ah so it let me on. I'm happy. I had an interesting lunch date. I had no idea the guy I was meeting would be so nervous. He was a jabbering wreck, which was cute. Since I didn't expect him to show up I was surprised when he called to say he'd be late. I was more surprised when he turned up like a half hour later and the fun began. It was nice to just listen and I didn't really try to interject much, but I'm wondering if I left the impression that I didn't really care he was there. I dunno. Now it's wait and see if we end up doing anything Thursday. Originally the plan was to meet up then and see a movie, but I proposed meeting sooner as a preemptive - 2 hours on a bus to see a movie with someone who never showed up - strike. He seems like a really nice and genuine guy. I have no idea what he thought of me and he seemed really worried and concerned tht I didn't like him at all. Other than that it's been a fair to middling Monday. Nothing too unexpected but tiring. The weather, the teen angst here in casa du Kid and the fact it was MOnday and the people can be real good or make you want to cry. The were great today. I was so relieved. I took off abit early. I couldn't help myself because I was tired and I'm still tired and I don't need to get sick when everyone else around me is sick and trying to share. This is the real RING, the passing of the cold/flu. There is no horro movie scarier than the one that has you laid up for days wishing you were dead and NOT getting paid at ALL - honestly cut off anything in a horror movie and nothing still scarier than that can happen to me, anyways. It's late and I want to go and sleep before the giant loud ass 8 am convos start and the 8.45 am ritual slamming of all the doors happens. It sucks being a light sleeper. It really really sucks. Love you. ************************************************* Keep Blogging. ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:29 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 05 February 2006 it's something that I'm supposed to be : So I've got a lunch time date tomorrow with another hopeful, who is so gunho that he's already saying he wants to take me to a movie Thursday. We'll see. I'm wondering why it's so hard to make friends, especially online. Isn't everyone supposed to be friendly online? Ha ha laugh at me if you will. But the friendly people have to be hiding somewhere. They are just nowhere to be found, especially it seems, after reading my blog and hearing my stance on cheating on your SO. I've been cheated on and I refuse to cheat, if I find you are cheating I drop you. I'm not trying to get into heaven but I don't need the headache either. Stalker free all these years too. But I digress. It's Mental Playlist night. Since I actually watched Teaxs Hold 'Em today with Kid M, I feel enlightened and not necessarily interested in ever playing it. It seems really complicated, basically because I wasn't too sure what was making the hand good or bad. I'd have to care and I don't, so it escaped me. THE PLAYLIST - 10) it's a good life if you don't weaken - the tragically hip 9) crash - dave matthews band 8) yearning - the trews 7) who needs shelter - jason mraz 6) the one i love - david gray 5) ever the same - rob thomas 4) run baby run - sheryl crow 3) somewhere only we know - keane 2) into the sunset - neil finn 1) the rainbow connection - Kermit the Frog The Rainbow Connection Kermit The Frog Why are there so many Songs about rainbows And what's on the other side Rainbows are visions But only illusions And rainbows have nothing to hide So we've been told and some choose to Believe it I know they're wrong wait and see Someday we'll find it The Rainbow Connection The lovers, the dreamers and me Who said that every wish Would be heard and answered When wished on the morning star Somebody thought of that And someone believed it And look what its done so far What's so amazing That keeps us star gazing What do we think we might see Someday we'll find it That Rainbow Connection The lovers, the dreamers and me all of us under its spell we know that it's probably magic. Have you been half asleep And have you heard voices I've heard them calling my name Is this the sweet sound Keep blogging. That calls the young sailors The voice might be one and the same I've heard it too many times to ignore it it's something that I'm supposed to be Someday we'll find it The Rainbow Connection The lovers, the dreamers and me ghost writer Ambrrrr at 11:19 PM 0 Bright Shiny Things 04 February 2006 i take a look at my life and realize there's much left : Yea though I walk through the valley of the chatter of doubt, I will fear no word. I thought of that tonight as Coolio spun through my head and I took in my 21st friends' rap about people. She a) hates people and b) doesn't believe in having friends. She says she was fucked over by people one too many times. Now she's having none of it. I think it's all hype bullshit because I'm not living down to her lowest expectations. I'm sure I'm failing somewhere, because there's gotta be a balance right? - but I'm not sure where. She’s not much of a talker more of a statement maker. There's an air of myth making there, but the legend in your own mind kinda myth. If blogger eats this post again I'll pout I swear !!!!!!!! Ok I'm pouting because it ate it again. So I'm being smart and copying and pasting everything again to word and then trying the damn thing. It's funny, today is my day off and I'm all alone left to my own devices and all anyone wants to know is what I'm doing. Why aren't I at work, why am I here. Gee do I throw a little wrench into the works? I think it's dawned on the house that I so don't have to worry about hearing them ever; I have quite the set up in my room and can more then create a solid wall of noise for myself. And all the kids are infighting and I'm slightly amused at the over all level of passive aggression displayed all over because if they just talked about this pidly shit, they wouldn't have to be mad and slighted by it all the time. Good idea for us all I guess. It's a long day when I have nothing to do. I feel lost and adrift and I've so totally lost my taste for adventure. Because lately it seems like adventure comes with more baggage than I do. It has to be the stars, making me wonder again. It has to be something else to have the wheels come off and still keep going and then get re-wheeled and keep going. If they could do that in formula one those cars would never have to worry about the length of a pit stop. If I could patent this I'd be rich and terrified of someone wanting me for my money :) Now I'm broke they pretty much have to want me for me :) And ALL I wanna do is lie in bed and watch some new movies - but I can't rent any cuz I don't have a membership and I don't want to spend the money. I've also decided I'd rather never shop on the weekend. I was at Walmart. That Mecca of the cheap and poor, and I was spinning a thought. Since I worked there Walmart has lost a lot of its glitter. I still adore that there are things there I can't get elsewhere, and the process are decent. But it's really get what you paid for there, in that you may have to go again in a couple days, weeks, months and get that thing again because it's cheap at Walmart because it doesn't have the best quality. Not that this is some sort of revelation but I know so many people who are so disappointed at the low quality there. It's that whole want the whole cake and to eat it too thing I guess. You can't have it all. Well maybe if you are Oprah. BTW if you were really surprise that the old O tore that writer a new one, then whose show have you been watching? Oprah started doing live sacrifices as soon as she lost weight. Since that happened she has become someone I can't stand to watch. Money has changed her, into the perfect all knowing all fearsome career killer she is today. It's sad that she went on for a while backing the guy up just so she could have him on the show and eviscerate him - but I knew it was coming. Because sadly, Oprah is a bit drunk with power and felling superior and if someone makes you look stupid - killing that buzz - look out. So don't cross O. Don't watch her either; she's boring and unoriginal. I haven't seen her really REALLY listen to anyone in years and I'm not sure she's not been replaced with a robot. If she has been she can just exercise all the time, wear her expensive favourite thing pyjamas and eat whatever she really wants before working out again. That's what being a billionaire is all about right? There's nothing wrong with working out. I like it. I just think being smug about doing something that is really really hard is ok, for a bit. If you totally forget how hard it was to do and can't have any sympathy or compassion for people going through what you did then - THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. I think it's a sign of forgetting the past in an I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTRHING from it BOUND TO REPEAT IT kind of way. That's just me. I am a history major; I know what forgetting the past does. In the mean time I have the downtime necessary to paint my toenails and contemplate my belly button. I'm going to enjoy it and stop caring about Oprah. She can pay people to worry about her problems :) See ya!!!!!! Keep blogging! ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:32 PM 1 Bright Shiny Things 03 February 2006 treason's all brand new : It is finally Friday. Not that much happiness is mine cuz I'm only getting a one day weekend then I'm back to the silly and incapable of spelling for 4 days and then 2 days off then 6 - SIX - days with them and then 2 days off. OMG I want to cry when I get some of these people because they are AFRAID to type things on their keyboards and can't spell and BEG me not to abandon them like children. It's so incredibly sad for them and heartbreaking for me because it's making me mental. Truly I want to yell at them, go lear to read/write/type and then you have the right to own a computer, tech support is here for real issues not because you can't manage to spell your OWN email address right 20 times in 40 minutes. Yea it's free range anarchy out there and add to that the virus that's supposed to be out there today and that our servers for antivirus were down, we had even more sad people calling, these ones were the non listeners. But I digress. I got to treadmill for almost an hour last night. I did ok. Iam so outta treadmill practice. I screwed up my foot, I disconnected the saftey line and had to start all over again and I could barely go up stairs afterward. But damn was it fun. Yea I'm weird. I took a shower last night and woke up with sexy curly hair, which isn't going to help me with this guy at work who asked me if I had my hair done for a date. Like I can't just do my hair? He's trying to find things to talk to me about and unfortunately for him, wearing that deer int he headlights look guys get when I scare them. I'm trying to be nice but I'm toasting all that NOT yelling at the people on the phone and so my fellow phonies (phone users not literally phonies - but yet we are being phony cuz we are all trying to get you off the phone as fast as possible) are getting burned a bit. I must work on this. I may have another meet and greet date, or 2, this weekend. We'll see how it goes. There's no harm in getting stomped on again. I've recovered from the last round of humiliations and I'm heading out there hoping ofr the best. Could be worse right? I could have met an axe murderer and ended up in someone's freezer. I'm working on the positives :) It's raining today and I'm in a weird mood. Almost happy, almost chagrinned. I'm almost the cliche from that Garbage song - Only Happy When It Rains. So far it's shaping up to be a day I'll have tonnes to do and I'll just wanna hide in bed under the covers then kick myself for missing the opportunities. I'm like that. So for fun today I'm going to try and be positively happy. I'm praying that doesn't make the day drag on like some giant concrete albatross that i trying to prevent me from getting to my ONE day off this week. Please please please. And while I'm asking how about some superfly peeps to chill with round my neck of the woods, cuz this whole afar friends things is cool, but local would be welcome. Keep blogging :) ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:35 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things 01 February 2006 a little mystery to figure out : My 21st friend has been working on me a little lately. She's been telling me thoughts from my own head in a way that makes me think about them in a new way and I can't say I don't appreciate it but there's also a hint of mistrust in my mind. Everything she says makes sense, is exciting and something I've pondered more than once in my time. She has a slightly different view of the world than I do. She is currently overweight as I am. She was not always so though, in her younger days she was very athletic and fit and something happened to change all that. I can't say the same for me. Infact there really isn't a time I can actively remember when I wasn't overweight. Sure there are pictures of those times, but I don't have any memory of them. Now that is important because it speaks to this strange fear of the unknown I've developed. I've been losing weight. I don't know what it is about Ottawa and being here and all, but it agrees with me in the shedding pounds and clothes sizes. It's nothing drastic or anything and its surprise even me because there IS a plateau coming, and that's where I usually wash up. Because you see I'm not REALLY trying to lose weight. It's just happening. Factors of life and all. I have been eating slightly differently and walking a lot more and just moving. Left to my own devices in B-ville I was a virtual shut in sitting on the couch doing nada. Here I'm always on the go and I don't want to sit around on the couch for more than an hour or two. And there's this fear - that I'm becoming someone I won't even recognize. It's a weird one that I keep slamming into and, now that I'm seeing it, I have to wonder how many times this roadblock had propelled me backwards into the land of the safe and known and recognizable. I'm not exactly a play by the rules person. I do what I want to do and go where I want to go and I suffer the post birthday melancholy every year. It's a weird thing the melancholy - because it's prompted by a broken promise. If my dad had live to my 18th birthday he had promised to kill me. Knowing him he'd have sent my ma and sister out of town and chopped me up and fed me to the dogs telling everyone I ran away. My dad was practical. It sounds really bad, but I was living my teenage life in eager anticipation of the end. Because my life, back then sucked so badly as far as I was concerned. Then he died and the world spun out of control for a while and I totally went with it. It's been 18 years and I’m just pulling myself together and finally getting parts of my head together. It doesn't all want to come at the same time mind you, it's getting better. Now I have my 21st friend who is telling me I'm so busy being seriously defeated I'm wondering to myself WHY am I bothering to work through all this if all it's getting me is this opinion from other people? And then I'm thinking GEEZ aren't I just looking for an excuse to wallow and be all dull and old school about myself. It's this little war that happens in my head every year about this time where the Capricorn kicks the crap out of the Aquarius with a laundry list of failings and incompletes and standards that make no sense and series of berrations that sound like the background noise of the 9th level of Dante's Inferno and I'm kinda stuck there on a surfboard in the turmoil. I can see it now. My eyes are open and I' more than a bit offended that I think this about myself, that I DO THIS to myself. I should be locked up for abuse. Really. Yet I'm here for the first time, and I can see it all. The wasteland of my mind and all that keeps me idle and inactive and doubting worried and paralyzed. I am slowly packing it up and carting it off to the dump. As I do this there is someone I call friend eternally saying the things that I don't need to hear. I know she thinks she is helping but it's not. These words channeling through her are things that add frustration guilt and helplessness. They are verbal shackles and chains and I had just about gotten rid of everyone else’s, now I have hers too. Because I am just looking for a reason NOT to change. This change is scary for me because I will cease to be the person I remember I have known and memorized. If I can do this I will be someone else and the world will see me in a different way and I'm not too sure I can deal with that, because it is ultimately unfair that I have to fundamentally change to be accepted (I've had this soap box a LONG time). That I was changing for my own self-benefit and pleasure was never the point before, it was all about NOT doing what I was told. Get that - FAT as REBELLION. So I wonder now what have I done to my psyche that it's projecting these internal voices out in the world and sending them at me through my friends?? Is this a challenge? Because I'm tired and telling me I'm tired and defeated gets a bleary nod and I just keep the rest to myself. I am too serious but I seriously am determined - and that person talking to me is misguided and not helpful. I need a little Rob Schneider clone sitting in the corner going "You Can Do IT!" Not all these voices listing off the reasons why I don't get what I want because as WE all KNOW I'm defective and unable to be accepted by society and this is how it tells me off - by dangling a carrot and enjoying my disappointment at not receiving it. It's real old hat for me, I know all this shtick. So is it wrong that I can't find anything in myself but sadness and pity for the bitterness and venom that I hear in these 'helpful' talks? Is it bad that I think I'm listening to a plea for help from someone who feels worse about the way they are than I do about how I am? I think the real problem is that no matter how Powerless she feels I am POWERLESS to help her. There is nothing I can say or do to affect the change she needs and is detailing for me. I also know the jealousy aspect of it. There is an us against them thing that happens with heavy people and I'm defecting as my clothes start falling off week after week. Seriously I HAVE to wear a belt now, cuz all those new pants are falling off whenever I stand up. It's really annoying - in a good way. And sure I have given up. I've given up listening to all the yada yada yada that falls out of my head and other peoples' mouths because I know me and if I pay attention to that I won't listen to myself. Seriously it's about time I had a say. I've got plans and they include shuffling off to the gym several times a week starting the end of next week when I can get a membership. It also includes wearing an heretofore unknown clothing size by summer. I’m on a roll might as well keep going. And if people see me differently that’s ok, and if people malign me well that’s ok too. I’m going for it in the all or nothing nonchallantmess of my style. If I can sabotage myself with indifference then By George I’m going to motivate myself with indifference too. Watch me go. Now all I need is a sewing machine, I’m going to make a one of those oversized bag out of my old pants, I can’t give them away because they are ripped and I really want to make something out of them because I can but I think I’ll get arthritis if I try to do it by hand. Keep blogging :) ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:42 AM 0 Bright Shiny Things