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From the ghost land of the easy life.

27 January 2006

i used to carry the weight of the world :
I think someone may have found my blog. It doesn't bother me that some of the Kids in the house may be reading this, what irks me is that if they are, I'd rather they come out and say it then try to casually work it into conversation. Now the truth about me is I'm flawed. I know it. I will talk about your flaws with venom, because they are things I hate about myself. I write here because I need an outlet for all the weirdness that sets up shop in my brain on a daily basis. I don't write this to offend anyone. I'm not always funny or happy. Infact a good part of what gets up here is my immediate perception of something, and it's usually negative - I'm all through the looking glass darkly. It has to do with the whole of my upbringing and experiences. I was always to blame, the outsider, the disliked and the whipping girl. It's a hard thing to throw off when a good chunk of those experiences came from people that are family, and who are still around bringing that stuff to the fore.

Anyhow I did post yesterday. I did it on my OTHER blog. Wanna read it? Go here. Thank god for back ups because I've been sliding backwards into my internal bullshit these days and dragging people with me. Because I'm a perfectionist and a faker I can hide it, you don't always know it to look at me, but talk to me and it crawls out. I hear the ugly accusatory tones in my voice, I feel the acridity of bitterness, and I can almost see myself morph into something like that 'habit' in the ice mint nicorette commercials. It's an ugly feeling and it got so strong right now because I wallowed. I let myself get right in there and pity myself for all the rejections and barriers I've encountered. I took them on like pieces of armor and they dragged me down to the lowest level of my psyche where I'm mean and petty and judgmental 24/7. There is so much paranoia there and self hate. I get a lot of exercise jumping to conclusions, chasing down the ideas, building up the assumptions and tearing myself down. But it really is no fun. And, usually, in that place I get very spiteful towards others.

It's true on my blog I've called people names, tho I don't use their real names at all. I call people names in real life too. Just the other day I called my friend a moron because he couldn't grasp that I was saying I was going to treat him and his wife to a lunch. I HATE moron, that word has so much negative power and yet I used it all the time on myself and occasionally it flies out of my mouth at others. He's forgiven me but I still feel bad about it. I am evil to others because I am evil to myself. It's true. If I put every last thought I had here it would be dark and gross and not really worth reading. It's my curse and I'm hoping y'all will work with me here to let me know that even evil, assuming, judgmental, name calling, funny, bitter, mean, happy, outgoing, learning and growing people can conquer their dark sides and be shiny happy too. It's really what I want and I thought a lot about it last night.

While I was at work, out of the blue, I started to think how I had to cast off these robes of shame and degradation I've been wearing for so long. They cling and are dirty and obnoxious to me. They are breaking me down and crippling me, and the more I snuggle into them the less I am in the real world and the more I am in the past living the events that caused me to be who I am today. When I look at the world with those eyes it's an ugly mean place that wants to destroy me and I'm unable to do anything but let it. It's really depowering for me. I decided last night that that was so the wrong thing for me to be doing. I actually noticed the choices I was making and the thoughts slipping into my head triggering all this. SOME of it is caused by a lack of sleep, I get bogged down because the sensors in my brain don't bounce as well as they should and stuff I can normally weed out gets in and parties and it gets messy in the brainpan. It's the reason I alienate people. I know I do, but seriously IF I CONTROL MY PERCEPTION then I want a better world to live in. And I'm working at seeing it that way EVERYDAY. Honest I AM. HELP ME OUT OK?

So this was much more eloquent in my head but I never write when my brain is swinging on the grooves of language because I have to go to bed and sleep before a die hard gamer gets up and starts living their life and disturbs this lighter than air sleeper. I used to sleep like a log and I wish I still could, now I sleep very lightly and any, ANY noise will wake me up and if it's constant enough it will keep me awake and that is something I can solve, I may have to run my fan tho, to make some white noise. I did get myself some excellent swag for being a good agent yesterday. Good enough to make my friend jealous. Hell It makes me jealous looking at it, that's the kind of swag the whole place should get but I know they don't, never seen anyone with this kind of cup. It's stainless steel with little finger grips so you can't burn your fingers on the hot stuff inside. Most excellent.

On the side notes, the hot doctor decided that pissing me off and feeling the wrath of me - I get MAD and then move on. Was reason enough to lie to me again. He PROMISED to make it up to me and has since TOTALLY disappeared. Say it with me people - chicken! I'm going to play video games this weekend and I'm going to eat chicken wings and meet people and maybe go to yoga. I'm going to ask Kid J if she wants to come, because yoga is better with a friend. Keep your fingers crossed for me as I try to be a better me.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:18 AM

MenTal fUrbAll