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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

24 November 2005

will i ever understand you :
This is where I'm going


This is where I'm leaving.


Huge size difference and all I really want is some one with a snoplow and closed cab truck to come by with some huge guys and then in the next hour I can get the 10 boxes I do have ready to go gone. I'm so disgusted with the weather. All week teasing me with nice snow free-ness and now it's snowing and really cold. It's a real pisser. Still moving stuff tonight.

************

Stuff moved. It's official I'm a wimp. I'm tired and I hardly moved anything. I'm fucking amazed at the amount of clothes I've given away in the last month and yat I still have a tonne of them left. I can't bring myself to part with any more of them. I don't want to spend time moving them either. Maybe I'll just leave them behind. Then I'm no further ahead because at some point I will have to replace them. I will need to get socks and shorts and tank tops again.

You have to understand I'm used to being poor so I have this attachment to my stuff. I can have a piece of clothing for ten years or more (and I have) and I keep it in excellent condition and wear it often enough to make it relevant to my wardrobe. I still miss items I used to have but that went to hole heaven, or I lost weight retirement. So the past while has been hard. I can't rationalize getting rid of anything I've had less then 5 years, because I haven't really used it yet. Add to that that I'm giving away the majority of furniture and household goods I've acquired in the last 8 to 18 months, and we have a new neurosis budding. I think I'll call this one post traumatic giving syndrome.

Oh and the hits keep on coming. Because I'm the A-type control freak I want to be involved in moving my stuff and I want to make sure I don't lose anything in the process. I trust carpool guy about as far as I can see without my glasses (I could throw him farther than that I swear). So the thought that I offered to give him and who knows else, the keys to my place and free reign to do whatever - is tripping me out. I also think that I'm going insane when just taking 2 days off sick to get all this done (because Carpool guy decided to tell me last night he's moving SUNDAY not TUESDAY like we've been planning - and OH YEAH he actually said "I'm helping you move since when." SMACK.) is making me worry about my job security and my possibility of making my room mates wonder what kind of whacko I am.

I've hit post traumatic giving stress disorder nirvana here because it's paired up with over achiever paranoia and the side order of self loathing I get every holiday season. I'm not feeling all bright and shiny but I want to be. And more than that I want to try to remeber that everything is going well. It really is. I don't need to let myself agonize over the trivial because in the long run it's all going so well I should be having my ass xrayed for horse shoes instead of my foot for glass. While I'm at it I think I'll have my head examined, I'm expecting them to find nothing there :)

I'm whacked out I know but all this is upheaval city and it's affecting my work and making my life a blur. I can't wait til I get some spin control on this ride because otherwise it's gonna make me hurl. I'm so confused I can't remember anything. I could barely remember my own name. I'm amazed I got by this far with out being called on my total lack of focus and inability to keep up the appearance of someone who was interested in anything. I feel like a navel gazer because in the last 24 hours I've been so self absorbed and obsessed I don't think anything has made a dent really. Other than the stress, I hate stress by the way. It's the purveyor of GERD in my life and closely associated with my Ex and therefore all things bad, obnoxious and wrong.

In the meantime I'm going to try (and fail) to watch the television shows I've missed all week. I'm going to try and make things work to my advantage and sell more of my stuff to afford the lifestyle I want to live, and the gas money I'll need to have to get all things squared away so that all is good and right in the world, or at least my little part of it. I'm looking to expand. Gonna get me an entourage so I can have someone to talk to and someone to go places with and someone else to lend me a hand. Yea I'm a dreamer.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:50 PM

MenTal fUrbAll