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the pretty pictures

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blue eyes, crooked teeth, intellectual, goofball, slacker, socialist.

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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

06 November 2005

leads you here despite your destination :
I finally have time to read blogs. I've been reading since I got home at 10-6 tonight. I miss not knowing what's up with people I've chosen to read. Mostly because the blogs I read are the most permanent relations I have with people these days. I live my life in transitory spaces and eventually I leave everyone behind. I don't always leave comments because I don't always have anything even remotely interesting to say. And good writing needs good comments, or something a little heart felt I think.

I'm a bit sad I don't get more comments since I do go to a lot of blogs (my blogroll tells not even an 8th of the tale) and comment and for some weird reason I thought that leaving comments would be how others found you and became readers, outside of reciprical blogrolling that is. I don't have any personal patience, it's all used up in my work life where I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy and a bottle in front of me then talk to the people who call on weekends. Add to the fun a full on server meltdown for half the day and you have an idea of what I was dealing with today. Yes children tech support neede tech support. Feel the irony?

I just want to say that I have a problem. Some of my more avid readers (not you thirty second blinkers) may have already guessed. I LOVE men. It's so bad that if you could actually hear what was going on in my head at any given time I'd be arrested. I break a lot of laws in the confines of my head, where there are no inhibitions, no rejections, ridicule or rules. I have hang ups in the real world. My appearance for one. My weight for another. My age, last but not least. I'd hate to be accused of deception but I good age guessing abilities. So when not more than 25 is flirting with me I feel guity cuz I know he doesn't know how old I am; I, approximately, know how old he thinks I am. Add another albatross to my growing inhibitions - my fear of other people's oppinions. I've become the classic definition of the lonely geek. It's all in my head, not in my life. Oh dear.

So my resolution is to get out there. I'm all chatty cathy these days. Talking to and smiling at anyone and everyone (not so much worried about stalkers here). I've had fear in my life a long time and it is hard to get rid of. I got married out of fear of being alone/never being wanted or good enough. I got so far into student debt out of fear of not living up to expectations of my friends and family (none of whom cared or even want to help) and I am more or less driven by the fear of being nothing and poor. I have low expectations of myself and others and they usually get met. Sad to say I know. But things are changing. I am realising that the first step is not just knowing what the problem is, but alerting others to it and telling them you are now my deputy - help me fight this in myself. It's also finding a way to marvel in the wonder of yourself.

I'm amazing myself these days. Doing the Oprah-esque being thankful thing in a way. I'm just trying to pay attention to the little things I do. I figure if I pay attention to myself in positive ways I can change my negative self perceptions. Breaking them down little by little until they just don't exist and are replaced by other things. Better things and more importantly - self loving things. I know I can do it because I am an achiever.

Mental Playlist's Top Ten

10) close to you - the cure
9) wild boys - duran duran
8) aurora - the foo fighters
7) these are the days - paul westerberg
6) private conversation - lyle lovett
5) 1000 oceans - tori amos
4) solace of you - living colour
3) libertine - good riddance
2) silence is thier drug - sponge
1) songbird- eva cassidy

(Christine McVie)

For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before

To you I would give the world
To you I'd never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before Like never before

Like never before
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:23 PM

MenTal fUrbAll