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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

01 October 2005

people talking and they're saying that you're leaving :
I've been reaching out for change with a big old warm hug for a while now. Change is treating me worse than a bastard step child thrice removed. I'm not happy. I've done everything but steal a car to get a new job and yet everyone around me seems to have the mojo going on with getting what the want and having things happen for them. I feel like the fucked up fairy who can't get things right, everything I wish for myself is magically given to others. Actually I'm happy for them but I really wish the fucked up mantle would be passed on to another and I could get some funky shit happening for me. I just want to get my happy on, in a new city with a better job.

I'd say I'd be happy with a good man with a car but I'd be lying. At this point my internal dissatisfaction with how I'm a spinning my wheels is past the get-your-groove-on-then-move-on phase. It's turned into a full blown body itch that keeps me awake at night wondering how in the hell am I gonna make it happen. I'm half past ready to take my fabulousness to town. My fabulousness has split off and is currently threatening to beat me down if I don't get off my ass and produce something worhtwhile of it's, well, fabulousness. God it's hard to be an over achiever trapped with the realization I'm living a slackers existance.

I have and will continue to live my life by the seat of my pants. I tend to just go for it and make rash decisions that piss people off and make no discernable sense. In the end it all falls into place. The fact that I'm still not seeing the big picture after over a year floundering here in soon to be divorced land is beyond pissing me off. Sure the sensible thing would be to plan a slow steady course of attack. Planning and me like naplam and nuclear holocaust tho. Never a good thing came of me and any of my plans. Me and my leaps of faith tho - well they never fail to give me what I need when I need it. Now thing is this leap of faith has me splattered across the windshield of a really dull life. Am I repeating myself OH HELL YA. Am I forgiving myself- I'm trying. Am I open an understanding of what the fuck the universe is trying to tell me? Maybe AMBER can't read the writing on the walls - so I'm asking for a little ray of light.

All I'm saying is I'm not figuring out the riddle of the Sphinx any faster than I'm figuring out the riddle of who the hell I'm going to grow up to be or what in the world I'm going to be for the time being. For now I'm going to work on my control issues. I'm going to stop being mean to me and start being a lot more into relaxing. I've been not doing that lately, I've been preoccupied with how to rule my world and all that banal workaholic bullshit that comes up everytime people start talking about Christmas and presents to me. I've had an epiphany while working, well while at the workplace anyways. I realized that I have some big spinning out of control issues and these issues are fueling my endless chip cravings and suddenly reappearing junk food weekends. Self abuse, oh lord I'm addicted to it and I need help. Quick someone send me a tread mill and burn down the Quickie!!!!!!!!!! The Quickie, devil dealer of junk food delights and the movies I eat them buy (I'm so afraid I have PSA - ask if you wanna know))

I'm off to cope with some black tea. Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 8:38 PM

MenTal fUrbAll