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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

07 October 2005

i said sometimes i hear my voice and it's been here silent all these years :
My future holds a new job and a change of place. I've gotten the job now I have to work on the place. My to be rommie Y is being understanding, though she's encouraging me not to leave the hated job here until I'm sure the new one will work out. She makes sense but it really kills the excitement of being all brand new and shiny. I know what I want, I want to just move to the city. I have to pay rent here til the end of November so I can stay here and commute until I find a place out there or figure out where/with who and how I'm going to live there. What's throwing a wrench in is uncertainty. I rarely go without a concrete plan and I never go far without my stuff and I'm fairly certain right now I'm thinking this has been part of my problem. Me and all my stuff, all my baggage - all these years.

This year has been about simplicity. I've been trying to pair down and live a good life, a clean life and a non-Paris Hilton-esque simple life. I know that right now everything looks really complicated and screwy. I know I want to be back in the city. I don't want to be there at all costs. I don't want to do anything at all at all costs, anymore. I know I have a great opportunity here and I've waited long and hard for it. I am not going to give it up. I may have to give up a great many different things in order to have what I want. I'm ok with that. What irks me is the total lack of fait and the endless wuestions I'm getting from everyone else. I have a whole chorus of second guessers nay saying in my ears and not a one of them here is going I'm happy for you. It's funny how people are leashed by fear. I don't fear the change or problems of the changes. I fear the not taking the chance. I fear that my chances are running out and the dorrs I can go through to my future are behind this chance and I'll never get there if I miss this one. Fear as a motivator instead of a roadblock.

I do have support, I have many people excited to hear from me and willing to help me out in my relocation. As much as they can and as much as I will let them. Thanks, Lyvvie, Lindsay, Joelle and others. I hope to tell Y something definitive about being her roommate status, I know I'm holding her in check and making her life hard and I'm also going to cause problems for the guy driving me to Ottawa if I move there permanently. What I need to do is be more egocentric. I am worrying about them being disappointed in me but I should be worried about what's best for me. Ib the long run staying here i hickstown isn't. I've outgrown this place. It is time to move on. I'm going to tell Y that I'm going to be looking for a place in Ottawa and I'm going to tell driver guy too. Theat way everyone knows and no one is getting any suprises. No lies and no hiding. I am an approval junkie. Another secret revealed.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 12:24 PM

MenTal fUrbAll